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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/25572211">Never let me stop being scared</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/fandom_mess/pseuds/fandom_mess'>fandom_mess</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Hamilton - Miranda</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alexander Hamilton is a whore, Angst, Bottom Alexander Hamilton, Denial of Feelings, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, Enemies to Lovers, Fluff, George Washington is a Dad, George Washington is fed up, Happy Ending, I can make them pine forever, James Madison is everyone’s favourite wingman, Minor Anxiety, Monticello, More tags to be added, Multi, No noncon, Slow Burn, Smut, They are literally the worst I’m not kidding, They’re idiots, Top Thomas Jefferson, Very Very Slow Burn, absolutely no knowledge of politics at all I’d like that to be clear, author has no idea how politics work, i just love them okay, ish, minor PTSD, sort of angst but not anything too bad, they aren’t really enemies they’re just dramatic, they’re mean in the beginning, they’re so fucking dumb, very gay, we don’t vibe with that, “enemies” to lovers</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-07-28</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-01-26</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-05 02:40:51</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>39</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>92,556</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/25572211</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/fandom_mess/pseuds/fandom_mess</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>When all was said and all was done, they were Thomas Jefferson, the arrogant yet charming, drop dead gorgeous cool guy who, of course, most definitely did not have any feelings for the coworker he was in love with at all, and Alexander Hamilton, the loud, unfiltered god damn beautiful pride of America who always seemed to think he was the smartest in the room. He usually was. They were at each other's throats constantly, crowding in just this side of too close, a few too many lingering touches, stolen glances to really hate each other. And everyone but them knew it. </p><p> </p><p>(This isn’t as angsty as the summary made it out to be I pinkie promise-)</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Alexander Hamilton &amp; Thomas Jefferson, Alexander Hamilton/Thomas Jefferson, Gilbert du Motier Marquis de Lafayette/Hercules Mulligan, Maria Reynolds/Elizabeth "Eliza" Schuyler, past Alexander Hamilton/John Laurens - Relationship</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>653</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>297</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Intro</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>They could fight as much as they wanted at work, argue and push each other, tease and humiliate to their hearts content but this, <em>this</em> is where they belonged. Together, breath heavy and kissing every bit of salty skin they could reach, biting, sucking, trailing nails across skin, marking each other because this is where they were whole. Whispering feverish confessions of love between burning kisses made to claim, words tinged with heartache and denial and guilt and <em>fuck</em>, this was addictive, the press of their lips, the all consuming pressure and the unspoken promise that this was a place where nothing else mattered, where they were safe. Neither would admit it but they needed each other, <em>craved</em> each other in a way neither could understand but tried to make it apparent in the way they that they were constantly seeking the others attention, the way that they tried to get a reaction out of the other with everything they did.</p><p>Alexander had always felt drawn to Jefferson, like something magnetic. He decided that the guy radiated so much confidence, he was so powerful that he got his own gravitational field. Alexander was positive he was not alone in that feeling. He tried to ignore it, he really did but Jefferson was incredibly hard to ignore. He looked like a roman statue come to life and acted like he really did have his own empire. Alexander hated how easily he was drawn in, just like everyone else. He prided himself on his willpower and had always found himself pleased that he had little interest in what others would fawn over, made him feel as though he had more of a hold of himself, that he was more... superior. But, christ, Jefferson was irresistible.</p><p>No, no, Alexander didn’t have <em>time</em> for anyone else in his life, he couldn’t slow down enough to pull someone else along with him, he <em>knew</em> this, he told himself this every time he got a glance at the man and instantly began envisioning an unachievable future, one in which Alex didn’t have to pull Jefferson along because Jefferson could pull for him. But it wouldn’t be like that, Alexander rationalised, Jefferson was too happy go lucky for Alexander to appreciate, too easy; <em>simplistic</em>, he had concluded. There wasn’t enough depth to him, the man was just like every other rich and powerful idiot. Mindless. There would be no challenge with Jefferson and that just simply wouldn’t do. For it was all about the chase, was it not?</p><p>Early on, however, Alexander realised his error. Jefferson wasn’t easy at all, it was just a role he played, hiding himself, what he truly was: the perfect puzzle, one Alexander fell hopelessly infatuated with. But the more Alexander watched, the more he noticed. And the more he noticed, the more he realised how out of his league Jefferson really was. I mean, sure, Jefferson would humour him, he’d listen to Alexander’s impossibly long rants, his political views and so on and so forth and offer a smirk accompanied by a look that could’ve been proud and an opposing view, he’d respond to Alexander’s huffy little under his breath comments with amusement and something akin to fondness in his voice but he listened only because it was his job and joked only because he found Alexander mildly entertaining, a little plaything to occupy him while at work. Besides, Thomas went for tall, beautiful, french women, probably blonde and pale and skinny and perfect like a collectible porcelain doll. Alexander was exactly none of those things. He was a bite sized Caribbean brunette, not beautiful, not pale, not skinny and anything but perfect. Alexander wasn’t a collectible, he was a defect. Too loud, too passionate, too honest, doesn’t shut up with the drawback of a pull string. A kid. God he <em>hated</em> how Thomas kept calling him that. Solidifying for Alexander that he was not someone Thomas would want <em>at all.</em> He was just some kid that wouldn’t stop annoying him, some kid that only existed to Thomas when he was in the office.</p><p>Upon reviewing the subject (over and over and over and-) Alex concluded that Thomas wanted sophistication, civility, something refined with poise and elegance, he wanted culture and class and a social standing, huge manor houses and fancy dinner parties, beautiful paintings and ornate everything, stability. He wanted to make a home in the way that he lived rather than in a place. Alex didn’t think he could handle that. Conflictingly enough, Alexander wanted adventure, wild and free and messy, non stop movement and noise, he needed adrenaline and excitement, shouting in the rain, he needed taking the next train to anywhere with only a camera and a coffee, thunder and lightning and a dangerous sea, he needed to fly. He wanted to make a home in a person rather than a place, a home he could follow anywhere. The two couldn’t possibly be compatible. And so, with no room for heartbreak in his life, Alexander made sure to build himself a hatred for Jefferson and made it immovable because if he was <em>this</em> drawn to a man he clearly would never have a chance with, well, he might as well hate him. That immovable hatred soon began to crumble.</p><p>Thomas on the other hand had been openly intrigued by Hamilton from the start. The tiny kid of about 5”5 who went marching around the office at ungodly hours with a scowl that ruined that pretty little face of his and an attitude like a storm the second it touched down, like he could tear the place right down of he so desired. Oh, Thomas found him so cute. So so cute. One of their first quarrels had been when Alexander had threatened Thomas’ life upon hearing the older man calling him a kid to his face, (“I’m not a fucking kid, Jefferson, I’m 21,” all adorable angry blushes and clenched little fists as if it’d actually take more than a tap on the shoulder for Thomas to land the kid on his ass), and Thomas treasured that memory, was sure he’d never forget the way Hamilton glared up at him like he was trying to kill him, coming close so their chests almost touched, his head tilted up at almost 90 degrees as he stared up, trying to intimidate Thomas with his wide chocolate eyes and his little scowl. Needless to say it didn’t work and that was the first time that Thomas was stricken by the need to just grab Hamilton’s face and kiss him stupid. That was, of course, not the last time. The funny thing was, was that Thomas wasn’t actually trying to start anything that time, had always assumed Hamilton had taken his calling the smaller a kid as what Thomas meant it: a subtle term of endearment. But apparently he didn’t and, hey, it didn’t hurt Thomas to have a little extra ammo now, did it, another thing to set Hamilton on edge. He <em>lived</em> for pushing Hamilton to breaking point. He just loved watching the kid get so wound up and flustered and unravelled and all Thomas had to do was throw him a smirk and Alex’d flush a furious scarlet and speak six times as fast. Thomas simply adored the fact that he was seemingly the only person able to make him come undone like this.</p><p>Thomas had never been all that interested with his job before Hamilton showed up but as soon as he did, the kid dragged Thomas into a hurricane. He’d glare at Thomas whenever he saw him, he’d grumble to himself and stomp off if he happened to bump into Thomas in a barren corridor, or god forbid when Hamilton was on one of his many coffee runs. My god and cabinet meetings were something else. Even when in meetings, <em>actual</em> meetings in front of <em>actual</em> colleges and the <em>actual</em> president, Hamilton would frequently forget his place and go off on Thomas, shouting at him, name calling him, throwing around threats and, admittedly very witty insults, just general disrespect that Thomas would absolutely not take from anyone else. One time the kid even blew a raspberry at him and Thomas fought the urge to whip out his phone and take a picture of Hamilton’s horrified little face after he realised what he’d done, bless him. He’d stormed off in a huff and made a point of avoiding Thomas for a few days and oddly enough, Thomas found his silence miles worse than his confrontations. Not that he’d ever make that known.</p><p>Irritating is it was, Thomas recognised that despite the way Hamilton seemed able to get under Thomas’ skin and push all of his buttons with expert precision, he still found himself worrying about the kid, <em>caring</em> about him even, (in the confines of his own head, of course) giving every uneaten box of lunch on Hamilton’s desk the evil eye, glaring at the office that seemed to trap Alex within its confines, practically glowering when he sauntered into Alex’s office one day and saw he was in the same clothes as yesterday and all of his stuff was strewn everywhere. The kid had stayed the night at the office and stayed awake the whole time if the millions of empty coffee cups were anything to go by. Christ how was Hamilton still even alive? Thomas eyed the monitor and the countless documents and papers everywhere with such hate in his eyes you’d think he was trying to set Alexander’s office on fire with his mind.</p><p>But even still, Thomas could tell there was someone that he could love beneath Hamilton’s irritating facade. He wanted to know that man so badly, wanted to know Hamilton, the <em>real</em> Hamilton, beneath all his stupid fake mannerisms as impossible and maddening as he was. Alexander. Thomas liked calling Hamilton by his first name, if only in his own head. It made him feel as though he was closer to Hamilton. You might catch him just muttering “Alexander, Alexander” over and over absent mindedly as he worked on something that required concentration, and if he wanted his assistant to deliver something manually he’d tell her to phone for <em>Alex</em> or send that file over to Alex or, on the odd occasion, go and give this post it note with an explicit cartoon of me killing him to <em>Alex</em> would you? Alex was probably Thomas’ favourite word in existence.</p><p>Ah but, unfortunately for Thomas, he knew his chances with his teeny little Alexander were non existent and so never even <em>tried</em> to make a move. See the kid had disliked Thomas from the start, <em>hated</em> him even, and yeah alright, maybe that knowledge really did hurt Thomas more than he ever expected it to, but he didn’t help himself with how he often snapped back at Hamilton’s snide comments, sought out to humiliate him just to see his blush bleed down his neck, or would occasionally loose his temper with him. Oh Hamilton had a mouth on him Thomas knew that all too well, and there were much better things Thomas was sure he could be doing with it rather than talking Thomas’ ear off, but hey, Thomas wasn’t running out of sarcastic insults any time soon either. Unfortunate and aggravating as it was, Thomas couldn’t choose who he fell for.</p><p>And thus their whatever the hell this was began. Neither understood their feelings for the other but neither accepted them either. Because when all was said and all was done, they were Thomas Jefferson, the arrogant yet charming drop dead gorgeous cool guy who, of course, most definitely did not have any feelings for the coworker he was in love with at all, and Alexander Hamilton, the loud, unfiltered god damn beautiful pride of America who always seemed to think he was the smartest in the room. He usually was. They were at each other's throats constantly, crowding in just this side of too close, a few too many lingering touches, stolen glances to really hate each other. And everyone but them knew it.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>hiya, so that was that, ummmm my names willow, hi! this chapter felt a little weird to me because it was more formal than the rest of it but yeah. i really appreciate it if you’ve gotten this far lol and comments are greatly greatly appreciated:)))<br/>have a great day!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. In which Alex is a drama queen</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    
<p></p><div>
  <p>“Jefferson, you’re just being stupid! How can you possibly possibly not side with me on this one?” <br/>
“Because you’re being a child?” Thomas leant back in his seat; watching with amusement as Alex completely lost his cool in front of the whole cabinet.<br/>
“How am <em>I</em> being a child when you’re completely refusing to approve an entirely reasonable request? Jefferson you’re being a stubborn prick and I’d give my seat in cabinet to strangle the shit out of you.” <br/>
“Alexander, please-“ <br/>
“Burr you aren’t even part of the cabinet what the hell are you doing here?” <br/>
Aaron sighed. “You brought me here because you thought I’d side with you.” <br/>
“And are you?” He demanded. Aaron shook his head. <br/>
“Alexander you’re being-“ <br/>
“I’m being perfectly sensible, <em>Aaron</em>, Jefferson is the one treating me like... like a god damn <em>kid,” </em>Alexander almost flinched because he hated it, jesus he hated it. “And he’s provoking me on purpose while he’s just leaning back in his stupid fucking chair and being a snarky bastard because he <em>knows</em> I’m right, he’s just being a prick for the sake of it-“ Washington’s head could be heard repeatedly banging on his desk. “-and if it was anyone else, <em>anyone else</em> at all, he would’ve just said okay, no meeting no anything but because it’s me and he just <em>loves</em> picking on me, he’s made a huge thing out of it, just to embarrass me and it’s not <em>fair</em>-“ Alex cut himself off with a huff and everyone pretended to ignore the break in his voice, for his sake. Because they all, every last one of them respected him and could see how distressed he was. It, of course, affected Thomas the most. The way Alex was almost hyperventilating, clearly wound up and humiliated. He was right, Thomas had gone over the top with this but he didn’t mean to actually <em>upset</em> the kid. <br/>
“Hamilton, I-“ His voice was soft, would’ve been comforting if Alex didn’t feel like his whole body was prickling with the fire of degradation. Here he stood in front of the President and his cabinet, (plus Aaron fucking Burr) reduced to near tears over the most petty of things and he felt like an absolute moron. There was so much pent up frustration in him and it just exploded during this meeting of all times. Everyone was right, he was too young for this, too emotional. And he fucking hated it. <br/>
“No, fuck you Jefferson,” He hissed, slamming his hands on Thomas’ desk and leaning in dangerously close. “Fuck. You.” <br/>
Thomas just sighed, looking down at his papers. He really had overdone it this time. The poor kid. <br/>
“Hamilton, come on, see me in my office.” Washington stood up, not even bothering to sound intimidating. He really was just sick of Alex and Jefferson’s shit.</p>
</div><div>
  <p>Alex was completely silent on the way there, meekly following Washington, staring at his feet as he tried to compose himself. He thought he saw Thomas out of the corner of his eye but he ignored it completely, just focusing on pulling himself the fuck together.<br/>
“Hamilton-“<br/>
“Your excellency, I understand that I may have gotten a little... passionate back there, a little heated, <em>but </em>if Thomas stopped being an insufferable prick and actually listened to me for once maybe he could pull his head out of his ass and just understand that I’m right on this one,” <br/>
“Alexander-“<br/>
“The White House <em>needs</em> this and if he wasn’t so fucking arrogant maybe he’d be able to see that his ideals are rigged against people like me, he’s a fucking plutocratic asshole and I won’t apologise for telling him exactly that. Fucking sitting there with his fucking stupid smile on his stupid fucking face. God, I’ll look 40 by the end of the week and it’ll be down to Thomas. The prick is pushing me to an early grave. Jesus Christ and he let me yell while he just sat there all high and mighty, Mr Secretary of State, going on about how I was being dramatic. <em>Me</em>?! Uh, <em>bitch</em>, I’M not the one saying that a teeny tiny request was outrageous. I’ll tell you what’s outrageous, Thomas actually expects me to-“ George let out a long sigh. <br/>
“Alex!” Alexander shut right up at that. “Fuck, son, I can get new coffee for the break room if it means that much to you, holy hell. You’re a different breed. I’m siding with Jefferson, you’re a drama queen and I’ll never understand how you can turn a quick staff survey into a huge heated debate. Just,” George heaved another huge sigh as he fell back into his chair. “Go apologise to Jefferson and Knox and Randolph for wasting-“ He glanced at his watch. “<em>Three hours</em> of their day. Jesus, Alex.” <br/>
“But <em>sir</em>, I cant apologise to Thomas I just absolutely can’t-“ <br/>
“You can and you will, Alexander, now go on.”<br/>
Alex whined. George gave <em>another</em> sigh. “Sometimes I forget you’re only 22.” George looked up at Alex from his desk, Alex’s arms crossed and an indignant pout on his lips. “Go on. You don’t even have to say sorry to Knox or Randolph but you’re gonna <em>have</em> to apologise to Jefferson. You can’t keep threatening his life, Alex, it’s just unprofessional.” Alex grumbled something inaudible.<br/>
“What was that?” <br/>
Alex gave a heartily fake smile. “<em>Nothing</em>, sir.” <br/>
“Very well. On your way, son.” <br/>
“Bye Dad.” Alexander sighed on his way out before freezing up and whipping his head back to stare at Washington in horror. <br/>
“Bye, Alex.” He muttered with his head in his hands, too preoccupied in wondering when Alex had started referring to Jefferson by his first name to really be all too bothered.</p>
</div><div>
  <p>Alexander blushed furiously and scurried out of his office.</p>
</div><div>
<p></p><div><p>Well that went shit. </p></div><div><p>He muttered angrily to himself all the way to Thomas’ office, standing outside the door for considerable time, just trying to convince himself that Washington didn’t hate him, this wasn’t torture. <br/>
“Are you going to stand there all day or are you going to come in and get it over with?” Thomas called from inside. Alexander fought the urge to groan. <br/>
Alexander gritted his teeth and marched in, stopping a few steps in front of Thomas’ desk. He tried to ignore how strikingly beautiful he was when he wasn’t pissing Alexander off. Thomas finished whatever he was doing and threw a wide smile up at Alexander.<br/>
“Hamilton! What can I do you for, kid?” <br/>
“I’m not cheap but you could at least buy me drinks first.” <br/>
Thomas snorted. “Are you even old enough to drink?”<br/>
“Oh ha ha. If I wasn’t don’t you reckon I would’ve gotten a bit more than funny looks when I got so drunk that I told John I was pregnant with his child at that Christmas party last year?” Thomas tried to laugh but it put him on edge that Laurens and Alex probably had slept together when all Thomas got was death threats for the sake of better coffee.<br/>
”Look, Im here because... well Washington’s making me... he’s making me say sorry. To you.” Alexander ground out. Thomas gave Alex a look that made him squirm and leant back in his chair, crossing his legs and linking his fingers as an unfairly attractive smirk settled onto his face.  <br/>
“Is he now?” His voice sounded condescending and Alex found himself very unpleasantly surprised that he didn’t hate the sickly sweet southern drawl that came along with it. <br/>
Alex nodded. <br/>
“Poor baby.” Thomas cooed. Alexander near snarled but his tummy did funny little flips at the pet name, however sarcastic it was. Thomas waited a beat expectantly.<br/>
“Well?” Thomas cocked an eyebrow. <br/>
“Well what?” Alex snapped. <br/>
“Well, Hamilton, that wasn’t an apology, was it?” Alexander looked fit to burst. “Okay, I’ll go first. I’m ever so sorry for getting ickle Hamilton, our office baby, all wound up.” He hid his sincerity under a mocking tone. “How about that hm? That wasn’t hard was it?” Alex had flushed a deep scarlet and he wanted nothing more than to stomp around to the other side of that desk and shove Thomas into the wall and fucking scream at him and wipe that god damn stupid smirk of his stupid face and <em>kiss his stupid face</em> and oops, that wasn’t where that was meant to go. <br/>
“I’m sorry you’re an arrogant prick, <em>Thomas</em>,” He growled. <br/>
“Awe, that’s okay, <em>Alex</em>. It’s not exactly your fault.” Thomas said. “Now, I’m afraid we’ll have to continue this conversation later, I have an actually important meeting to get too.” Thomas stood up and the dizziness Alex was so accustomed to that came along with re-realising how hot Thomas truly was hit Alex like a freight train and he remembered that the guy was almost a foot taller than he was. <br/>
<em>Ignore the amazing body, ignore the amazing body</em>, Alex reminded himself. Thomas sauntered across the room in the most annoying gorgeous way and held the door open for Alex.<br/>
Alexander walked under Thomas’ arm and muttered a quiet “thank you” before speed walking himself back to his office and trying to calm his heart rate. </p></div><div><p>Fucking <em>hell</em>  what sort of self destructive asshole gets a god damn crush on their nemesis? </p></div></div>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>heyyyy so this is more sort of informal i guess and hey look second chapter in a day lol also quick side note i am british and the only american history i know is from hamilton so i’m sorry if it’s really iffy lol<br/>i love you and comments are my serotonin so tysm for those and yeah have a lovely day :))<br/>-willow xx</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. texinggg</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Hiya everyone just a quick menu type thing (??) to tell you who’s who lol </p><p>Alex the Lion- Alex<br/>King John- John<br/>HERCULES MULLIGAN- self explanatory<br/>The Mighty Lafayette- laf<br/>Betsy- Eliza<br/>Demonica- Angelica<br/>Temptress- Maria<br/>Peg Leg- Peggy<br/>Major Tom- Thomas<br/>Jemmy- James Madison </p><p>Enjoy :))</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p> </p><p></p><div>
  <p>
    <b> <span class="u">The Lads </span> </b>
  </p>
</div><div>
  <p><b>Alex the Lion</b>: i need drinks<br/><b>The Mighty Lafayette</b>: Ah how can I say no to you mon amour xx <br/><b>King John</b>: I get off at 6 <br/><b>King John</b>: Rough day? <br/><b>Alex the Lion</b>: very. :// <br/><b>HERCULES MULLIGAN!!</b>: U ok?<br/><b>Alex the Lion</b>: nothing copious amounts of tequila can’t fix <br/><b>King John</b>: Lmaooo<br/><b>Alex the Lion</b>: can someone else text the girls? <br/><b>The Mighty Lafayette</b>: Of course mon cheri<br/><b>King John</b>: The girls are coming? So BIG drinks? <br/><b>Alex the Lion</b>: idk i miss them and i kinda need the distraction <br/><b>HERCULES MULLIGAN!!</b>:Hey man that’s cool <br/><b>HERCULES MULLIGAN!!</b>: See you at 6 <br/><b>HERCULES MULLIGAN!!</b>: It is so on B)<br/><b>King John</b>: Lets do this thang ;p x<br/><b>The Mighty Lafayette</b>: Ouiii gang drinks :D xx<br/><b>Alex the Lion</b>: thanks lol :)) x</p>
</div><div>
  <p><b>The Mighty Lafayette to Betsy</b>: Bonjour mon amis, Alex needs drinks can u text the girls? <br/><b>Betsy </b>to<b> The Mighty Lafayette</b>: Yea I’ll talk to them <br/><b>Betsy </b>to<b> The Mighty Lafayette</b>: He okay?<br/><b>The Mighty Lafayette </b>to<b> Betsy</b>: Idk he didn’t say anything bad happened, just that he needed a distraction. :( <br/><b>Betsy</b> to <b>The Mighty Lafayette</b>: Tell him we love him? <br/><b>The Mighty Lafayette </b>to<b> Betsy</b>: Of course mon cheri xx<br/><b>Betsy </b>to<b> The Mighty Lafayette</b>: :)</p>
</div><div>
  <p><b>The Mighty Lafayette </b>to<b> Alex the Lion</b>: We love you mon petit lion &lt;3<br/><b>Alex the Lion </b>to<b> The Mighty Lafayette</b>: i love you too :) xx </p>
</div><div>
  <p><b><span class="u">Bitches </span></b><br/><b>Betsy</b>: Hey guys is anyone up for drinks with the boys tonight? <br/><b>Demonica</b>: Always &gt;:)))) <br/><b>Peg Leg</b>: Yea man I’m down <br/><b>Temptress</b>: Sure sure what’s the occasion<br/><b>Betsy</b>: No occasion <br/><b>Betsy</b>: Alex just needs a break <br/><b>Temptress</b>: Bless him <br/><b>Demonica</b>: Poor kid <br/><b>Peg Leg</b>: I’ll get first rounds :)<br/><b>Peg Leg</b>: I get off at 7 <br/><b>Demonica</b>: I’ll see if I can too <br/><b>Temptress</b>: I get off whenever I want so yea I’m good to go anytime <br/><b>Betsy</b>: And I work my own hours<br/><b>Betsy</b>: I can pick you guys up at 7 outside the coffee shop on the corner <br/><b>Demonica</b>: I’ll tell u if there are any changes :P<br/><b>Peg Leg</b>: So hows everyone’s day been<br/><b>Temptress</b>: Not over yet? lol <br/><b>Peg Leg</b>: Oh ye lmao <br/><b>Betsy</b>: See you guys at 7 then x <br/><b>Demonica</b>: Later :p<br/><b>Temptress</b>: Byeeeee ;)<br/><b>Peg Leg</b>: Bye guys! :))<br/><b>Betsy</b>: Have a good day everyone xx </p>
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  <p><b>Betsy </b>to<b> The Mighy Lafayette</b>: All good over here :))<br/><b>The Mighty Lafayette </b>to<b> Betsy</b>: We’ll be at Jamie’s xx<br/><b>Betsy </b>to<b> The Mighty Lafayette</b>: See you there at 7 &lt;3</p>
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  <p><b>Peg Leg </b>to<b> Alex the Lion</b>: Hey love u okay?<br/><b>Alex the Lion </b>to<b> Peg Leg</b>: yea just... <br/><b>Alex the Lion </b>to<b> Peg Leg</b>: colleges :/<br/><b>Alex the Lion </b>to<b> Peg Leg</b>: well.. one in particular.. <br/><b>Peg Leg </b>to<b> Alex the Lion</b>: Ahh <br/><b>Peg Leg </b>to<b> Alex the Lion</b>: Don’t let them get to you darling <br/><b>Alex the Lion </b>to<b> Peg Leg</b>: yeah easier said than done <br/><b>Alex the Lion </b>to<b> Peg Leg</b>: he’s fucking stunning pegs <br/><b>Peg Leg </b>to<b> Alex the Lion</b>: Ohhh that sort of frustration huh? ;))<br/><b>Alex the Lion </b>to<b> Peg Leg</b>: nooo... but maybe yes? idkkkk he’s hot but he’s a prick <br/><b>Alex the Lion </b>to<b> Peg Leg</b>: he’s a huge fucking prick and he hates me so y’know :) <br/><b>Peg Leg </b>to<b> Alex the Lion</b>: Aw Alex I’m sorry <br/><b>Alex the Lion </b>to<b> Peg Leg</b>: don’t be <br/><b>Alex the Lion </b>to<b> Peg Leg</b>: this isn’t some sort of sad unrequited love story lol i just need to get laid <br/><b>Alex the Lion </b>to<b> Peg Leg</b>: and i fully intend to ;pp <br/><b>Peg Leg </b>to<b> Alex the Lion</b>: Lmao okay <br/><b>Peg Leg </b>to<b> Alex the Lion</b>: First rounds on me ;D<br/><b>Alex the Lion </b>to<b> Peg Leg</b>: &lt;3 :))) </p>
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  <p>Alex sighed and stared down at his phone in his hands. So Peggy knew. What did she know? That Alex thought Thomas was hot? Thomas was hot. It took an idiot or a blind man to ignore it. It didn’t mean that he had a crush on the guy. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Did he have a crush on the guy..?</p>
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  <p>No, no. Of course not. That’d be... inconvenient. He did need to get laid though, it’d been a while. Maybe that’d get Thomas out of his system.</p>
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  <p><b>King John </b>to<b> Alex the Lion</b>: Hey, are you okay? For real?<br/><b>Alex the Lion </b>to<b> King John</b>: idk. probably just being dramatic lol <br/><b>King John </b>to<b> Alex the Lion</b>: Tell me properly later tho yeah? <br/><b>Alex the Lion </b>to<b> King John</b>: pinkie promise <br/><b>King John </b>to<b> Alex the Lion</b>: Love you xx <br/><b>Alex the Lion </b>to<b> King John</b>: i love you too xx</p>
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  <p><b>HERCULES MULLIGAN!! </b>to<b> Alex the Lion</b>: Sup dude so I really do care abt u and ur day but I hate texting cause my thumbs are too big for this shit phone but I’m down for cuddles and crying later ok? <br/><b>Alex the Lion </b>to<b> HERCULES MULLIGAN!!</b>: lmao it’s okay and yea ill talk to u later :) sit next to me? <br/><b>HERCULES MULLIGAN!! </b>to<b> Alex the Lion</b>: Ofc<br/><b>HERCULES MULLIGAN!! </b>to<b> Alex the Lion</b>: Love u man<br/><b>Alex the Lion </b>to<b> HERCULES MULLIGAN!!</b>: love u xx</p>
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  <p><b>Temptress </b>to<b> Alex the Lion</b>: Hey Peggy told me (I hope that’s okay?) u were having boy problems. She didn’t say anything specific but just know I’ll help u either hook up with him or kill him xx ;) <br/><b>Alex the Lion </b>to<b> Temptress</b>: both? lol x<br/><b>Temptress </b>to<b> Alex the Lion</b>: Smh babe you’re a messsss <br/><b>Temptress </b>to<b> Alex the Lion</b>: Anyways, gotta go have a word with the Mrs, shes stressing out about you, bombarding my phone and email freaking out<br/><b>Alex the Lion </b>to<b> Temptress</b>: just tell her to call me pls? <br/><b>Temptress </b>to<b> Alex the Lion</b>: Okayyyy. Love u byeeee xxx &lt;3<br/><b>Alex the Lion </b>to<b> Temptress</b>: love youuuu xoxo</p>
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  <p>Alex spent the next half an hour on the phone to Eliza and when he finally hung up he hugged his phone to his chest and thanked his lucky stars he had such amazing friends. </p>
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  <p><b>Major Tom</b>: Fuckkkk are you free later?<br/><b>Jemmy</b>: Uh why<br/><b>Major Tom</b>: Bad day<br/><b>Jemmy</b>: You’re a nightmare <br/><b>Jemmy</b>: But yeah I’m free <br/><b>Major Tom</b>: Good. Jeussss when am I gonna catch a break<br/><b>Jemmy</b>: Hamilton again?<br/><b>Major Tom</b>: Of fucking course Hamilton again <br/><b>Major Tom</b>: Fuck Jemmy he screamed at me for 3 hours about how shit the break room coffee was fucking calling me a plutocratic asshole amongst other much more obscene things, just cause I can afford better coffee??? Like fuck I didn’t even knew he cared about the quality of the coffee unless it caffeinated him into the middle of next week <br/><b>Major Tom</b>: And d’you wanna hear the best bit?<br/><b>Jemmy</b>: We both know I don’t have a say in this <br/><b>Major Tom</b>: I ended up feeling bad about it. ME! Fucking hellllll this is stupid <br/><b>Major Tom</b>: I just need to go out, get shit faced and sleep with the first pretty little thing that bats their eyelashes at me </p>
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  <p>Thomas tucked his phone into his pocket discretely, trying to act like he cared about his meeting. God politicians that weren’t Alex were ridiculously boring. </p>
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  <p>Thomas whipped his phone out again under the table and his finger hovered over Alex’s work email. Should he or was that just stupid?</p>
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  <p>Fuck it, he was doing it. </p>
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  <p><b>T.Jeffs </b>to<b> A.Ham</b>: I’ve noticed that you’ve conditioned me into believing your insufferable rants are interesting <br/><b>T.Jeffs </b>to<b> A.Ham</b>: And apparently every meeting where you aren’t present (this one especially) is irritatingly dull. </p>
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  <p>Alex gaped at his computer screen as he opened the email, fingers hovering uselessly over the keyboard. </p>
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  <p><b>A.Ham </b>to<b> T.Jeffs</b>: careful there Jefferson, you’re almost being nice <br/><b>A.Ham </b>to<b> T.Jeffs</b>: and we couldn’t have that now could we?  <br/><b>T.Jeffs </b>to<b> A.Ham</b>: Could we?</p>
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  <p>Thomas stared at his own response in utter disbelief. He’d typed it out spontaneously and clicked send on a whim. Ahh, that lovely read receipt that Thomas was dreading so. Well, no going back now. </p>
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  <p><b>A.Ham </b>to<b> T.Jeffs</b>: i really don’t know. </p>
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  <p>Alex felt panic welling up inside him. Did Thomas know? Had he somehow found out about Alex’s little... crush? Was he just teasing and Alex had just changed the whole tone of the conversation from lighthearted and almost friendly to serious and contemplative for no good reason other than dramatics? Fuck well if Thomas thought he was an angsty little hobbit man then he’d never want anything to do with him. Ugh this was torturous. </p>
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  <p>Thomas’ fingers were trembling and he tucked his phone back into his pocket and clenched his fists on his lap. He wasn’t doing this now. He wouldn’t do this now. He couldn’t. He really couldn’t start... I don’t know crying or something really stupid. Fuck Alex for making Thomas care about him and fuck Thomas for catching feelings. </p>
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  <p><span class="u"><b>T.Jeffs</b> has logged out.</span> </p>
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  <p>Alex s<b></b>tared at his monitor. Well shit. Thomas still fucking hated him, nice to see no change there. For fucks sake. </p>
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  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Hey omg I had so much fun writing this chapter ahhhhh!! I just loved exploring how they interacted with eachother digitally and the way they texted and ahh- but it was so hard lol!<br/>Anyway!! Hope u enjoyed it, I definitely have been enjoying the comments I get aha tysm!!<br/>I love and appreciate all of u and stay safe!<br/>Love, Willow xx</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. John to the rescue (or not?)</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    
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  <p>
    <b>
      <span class="u">The Lads </span>
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  <p><b>Alex the Lion</b>: change of plans anyone free now?<br/>
<b>HERCULES MULLIGAN!!</b>: Yeah I got off three hours ago<br/>
<b>King John</b>: I’m pretty sure I could get off<br/>
<b>King John</b>: Why what happened??<br/>
<b>Alex the Lion</b>: ill tell u when we get there<br/>
<b>Alex the Lion</b>: jamie’s?<br/>
<b>HERCULES MULLIGAN!!</b>: C u there<br/>
<b>King John</b>: Alex I’ll come get u<br/>
<b>Alex the Lion</b>: thanks xx<br/>
<b>Alex the Lion</b>: Laf, u coming?<br/>
<b>King John</b>: Uhhh Laf??<br/>
<b>HERCULES MULLIGAN!!</b>: He’s working till like 6</p>
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  <p>Alex glanced at the clock above the door. Half four. Too early for drinking, even on a Friday night? Most definitely. But who cares Alex was 22, he could afford to act like it sometimes. </p>
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  <p><b>King John</b>: It’s fine, he'll see these when he sees ‘em and come meet us<br/>
<b>King John</b>: Alex I’m on my way up<br/>
<b>Alex the Lion</b>: thanks guys xx<br/>
<b>King John</b>: Np babe ;) xx<br/>
<b>HERCULES MULLIGAN</b>: Love u both  </p>
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  <p>Alex sighed and started packing his things up. Leaving early for once. Wild times indeed. </p>
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  <p><b>Alex the Lion</b> to <b>Wishy Washy</b>: hey sir I just wanted to check it was cool that I left a little early?<br/>
<b>Wishy Washy </b>to<b> Alex the Lion</b>: Fine by me son, have a good one x<br/>
<b>Alex the Lion </b>to<b> Wishy Washy</b>: thanks<br/>
<b>Alex the Lion </b>to<b> Wishy Washy</b>: u too sir :))</p>
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  <p>Okayy now that was out of the way he just had to busy himself while John got here. He got up, making sure all his things were switched off and saved and everything for the weekend, cramming his stuff into his little bag and locking up his office. And as if his life it’s self was some sort of really shitty cosmic joke, who else would he literally walk right into on his way down to the lobby other than Thomas fucking Jefferson. <br/>
“Oh, shit, I’m sorry I-“ he glanced up at Thomas who looked absolutely dumbfounded at the sight of Alexander. “Uhh, unless you don’t want me to be sorry? Fucking hell, Jefferson, you’re looking at me like I just swallowed the moon,” Alex took a step backwards and cocked his head, hair falling in his eyes slightly. Thomas composed himself.<br/>
“Your um... Your hair is down.” Thomas’ voice was somewhat clipped.<br/>
Alex reached a hand up to run it through his hair. Oh yeah, he’d taken it out of its hair tie hadn’t he. He forgot about that. He tucked it behind his ear. <br/>
“So?”<br/>
“And your shirt is unbuttoned. And you’re tieless.” Jefferson noted, seeming to gain more confidence with every word. “My god, Hamilton, how professional of you.” He smirked. Alex huffed.<br/>
“I don’t <em>need</em> to be professional <em>Jefferson</em>, it’s my weekend.” Alexander watched confusion flash briefly across Thomas’ face as he checked his watch.<br/>
“You’re leaving? Early? <em>You</em>?”<br/>
“Why shouldn’t I be? Its a lovely summer evening, I’m 22 for gods sakes, let me enjoy my Friday nights as I so desire,” Alex crossed his arms. Thomas raised his hands in surrender.<br/>
“You do you, kid.” Alex gritted his teeth and Thomas seemed to appreciate the little show of anger. “So, what exciting things have you got planned for tonight then, Hamilton? Rewriting page 64478 of The Essay of Uselessness? Or maybe you’ll have a debate with your table over how many legs it has. Who knows, maybe you’ll be sitting alone on your little peasant sofa in your little apparent, jerking off all by your lonesome.” Thomas’ syrupy accent near put Alex in a trance. The smaller man swallowed, jolting slightly as his back touched the wall. Thomas was leaning over him, much closer than he was before and <em>had his eyes always been that beautiful?<br/>
</em>Thomas offered a sweet smile, crowding in just a little closer and Alex would never admit how the closeness made him swoon. Alex wondered if it was possible to get drunk off of just the thought of alcohol because that would be the only logical explanation for his behaviour.</p>
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  <p>“I- uh... Well, I-“ Thomas looked like he was having a whale of a time as Alex tripped and stumbled over his words. That’s when, for better or for worse, John came casually wandering through the door from the stairs at the other end of the corridor, hands shoved in his pockets, eyes on his feet. He, like Alex, was just in casual work attire, faded jeans, worn converse and an untucked shirt with the top buttons undone and tie loosened, a few curls falling out of his ponytail and around his face, freckles more prominent due to it being July. He looked good.<br/>
“I’ve got a date.” Alex blurted, not really sure what to make of the face Thomas pulled as he stepped back. John looked up abruptly at the noise and furrowed his eyebrows, obviously concerned.<br/>
“You- a date?”<br/>
Alex nodded stiffly. John had reached them after quickening his pace and having heard the conversation, knew the role he was to play.<br/>
“Hey baby,” John slipped his arm over Alex’s shoulders and pressed a quick easy peck to his lips. “You okay?”</p>
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  <p>Thomas took two quick steps back, trying to put as much distance between himself and Alexander as possible. Alexander nodded, not tearing his eyes away from Thomas’, suddenly finding himself not able to. “Are you sure?” John asked, glaring at Jefferson, sizing him up. He wasn’t really dating Alex, obviously, but that didn’t mean for a second that he wouldn’t beat a bitch up for crossing any lines.<br/>
Alex nodded quickly, watching with infatuation and an unexplainable <em>ache</em> as defences Alex wasn’t even aware were down went right back up again behind Thomas’ eyes. Alex blinked, Thomas’ now much darker, questioning stare becoming too much.<br/>
“Can we go, please?” He asked, quiet for once as he finally dropped Thomas’ gaze and looked up at John desperately. John gave a quick nod and began to lead Alex down towards the stairs.<br/>
“Have a nice weekend, Jefferson.” Alex said softly, his attempts at reading Thomas’ stony expression remaining futile.<br/>
Thomas gave a practiced nod of acknowledgment back. “Hamilton.”<br/>
John was glaring daggers at Jefferson over Alex’s bowed head, who’s eyes didn’t wander from Alex, all the way until they turned the corner to the stairwell. Jefferson’s eyes met Johns for a split second before John and Alex slid out of sight and fucking hell, John almost died on impact. You could cook an egg on the obvious anger in that man’s extremely good death stare. There was something so dangerous, so <em>protective</em> in that look it gave John goosebumps.<br/>
But what the hell could he be protecting? Alex? Ha. The two <em>hated</em> each other. The dude was probably just jealous cause he though John was gonna get some.<br/>
Alex turned and flopped into Johns chest the second they were out of Thomas’ sight.<br/>
“Holy fucking shit, John, <em>thank you</em>,” Alex’s voice was slightly muffled against his friend’s shoulder but whatever.<br/>
“I’ll be your pretend boyfriend any day, Alex, you know I will, but <em>why</em>? He wasn’t... y’know... I don’t know, he wasn’t scaring you or being weird or anything? Was he?”<br/>
“No he’s... he’s not like that. He wouldn’t. He’s an asshole but he’d never do anything actually bad.” John shook his head.<br/>
“Didn’t look like that from where I was standing,” he grumbled.<br/>
“I just... i just panicked. I’ll tell him on Monday that we broke up or something, you don’t wanna be pretending to be my boyfriend till Christmas.” Alex laughed.<br/>
“I could. I would, y’know, I don’t mind. Hey actually, it might work out, see cause then I can pick you up from work so you don’t overwork and to stop you getting the subway cause you know we don’t like you down there on your own, we get to hang out more, I could make sure you actually have your lunch by coming up and having it with you and it’d arouse no suspicion. That way we don’t have to worry about you all the god damn time cause I could keep an eye on you like the child you are <em>and</em> that Jefferson guy would back off. Sound good?”<br/>
Alex faltered. He appreciated what John was offering, he really did, but did he <em>want</em> Thomas to back off? He was hesitant but he looked up at Johns expectant little half smile and found himself instinctively throwing one back.<br/>
“Yeah. Yeah sounds good. Thank you.” John grinned and Alex settled into his side, John’s arm still over his shoulders as they set off down the stairs and out of the doors into the parking lot.</p>
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  <p>John opened the passenger side door for Alex with an over exaggerated bow.<br/>
“Your chariot awaits, Mr Laurens,” he said in an awful british accent. Alex snorted.<br/>
“Getting a bit ahead of yourself aren’t you? Mr Laurens am I now?” He asked with a laugh. John shrugged and Alex quickly glanced up at the window he knew was Thomas’ before flopping down into John’s comfy old car a second before John. The car revved to life and music came blaring out of the speakers.<br/>
Left hand free by Alt-J was just finishing before Viva La Vida by Coldplay came on.<br/>
“Oh my god, <em>yes!</em>” Alex cried, throwing his head back, suddenly extremely giddy in comparison to his hesitant quietness earlier. “John, your playlist is elite!” John grinned wide as he looked over at Alex arching almost off of the chair with his fists clenched. Alex flopped back down to a normal (ish) position and started screaming the lyrics to one of his favourite songs and John laughed, loud and genuine, glad to see Alex momentarily distracted, joining in on the “singing” (screeching). Nothing like good loud music to cure a bad day.</p>
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  <p>They reached Jamie’s in record time having successfully avoided rush hour and slid into their booth, John first, leaning back against the wall, Alex next to him. Alex ran his fingers over the little carved “A.H, J.L, H.M and GDM.MDL” (fuck Lafayette and his stupidly long dramatic ass name taking up so much room) and the newer “P.S, E.S, A.S and M.R”. He felt a smile tug on his lips at the memory of little 19 year old Alex and his friends carving their initials into “their” booth table and getting in quite a bit of trouble about it. John watched him with a gentle smile.<br/>
“So. What happened?”<br/>
Alex sighed. “I don’t know. I’ve been feeling and acting really weird all day. I mean, I went on a three hour rant- <em>three fucking hours John</em>- about how shit the break room coffee is. Who do you know other than me that could be that much of a fucking dick? It’s god damn Thomas, he knows just how to wind me up, the prick. And he does, he does <em>all the fucking time </em>John and I just wanna smack him. He sits there and he hardly ever even raises his voice, he just sits there in his chair with a stupid smirk on his idiot fucking face while I’m stood up in front of everyone yelling about some random crap and then the second I realise what a fucking moron I’m being he’ll just pitch in a little fucking sarcastic whatever and I’m back off again. 3 fucking hours John, jesus. I’m an idiot. He just frustrates me so bad and I put all of that into...”<br/>
“How shit the break room coffee is?”<br/>
Alex nodded, his head sinking into his hands. John threw a look at the approaching waiter they were friends with that said “Alex is having a moment. Come back in a bit?” The waiter, Sam, looked at Alex and raised their eyebrows giving a single knowing nod and retreating back to the bar.</p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Then I got upset because Thomas is always fucking singling me out just to humiliate me and then Washington told me to see him in his office and he made me go apologise to Thomas for continuously threatening him and throwing very... <em>colourful</em> insults at him. So I did and he was being such a condescending shit John, honestly, but he’s proper southern and he can usually hide his accent alright but it came back all of a sudden and I went all weird for it.” Alex shook his head, flushing a deep scarlet. “But then he left, thank god, to go to this meeting and then about 45 minutes later I get this,” he thrust his phone into Johns hands with the emails between them on the screen. He gave John a minute to read them before he heaved a deep sigh like the conversation was sapping the life force from him. John grimaced and slid Alex’s phone under his folded arms on top of which lay his head.<br/>
“Yikes.”<br/>
“Yikes indeed, good sir.” Alex groaned. “And if that couldn’t get any better I walked straight into him- smack bang right into his big old muscular as fuck chest, nearly gave me a fuckin concussion- on the way down to the stairs and I said sorry but he looked at me like I’d grown another head. Turns out he was just weirded out that I had my hair down,” he flicked his hair out of his face as he sat up again. “So he started telling me what I already knew like my shirt was unbuttoned looking as if he’d just found 12 pounds of solid gold and he realised I was leaving early right? And then, AND THEN, he asked what I was doing later yeah? The dude asked if I’d just be jerking off on my own. I mean, fair assumption knowing me but? What the fuck kinda regular person asks that? Jesus John and so I panicked and I said I was going on a date and y'know, you know the rest.” He deflated, slithering down so his head was on John’s shoulder. John nodded Sam over.<br/>
“You wanna know what I think?” John asked.<br/>
“I don’t think I get a choice.” Alex muttered.<br/>
“I think he just wants to sleep with you.”<br/>
Alex spluttered.<br/>
“<em>No</em>! That’s- that is not it, Laurens, Jesus. Don’t be stupid. You saw how he was, he <em>hates</em> me. He’s always either calling me Hamilton or <em>kid</em> and I hate both with a burning passion. We aren’t even on first name basis, how can he- ugh, you know what Laurens,” Alex trailed off as Sam appeared giving a hearty smile.<br/>
“Just the two of you?” They asked.<br/>
“Hercules should be here any time now and then the rest are due to show up in an hour or two.” John gave their orders (Diet Coke for John, Sprite for Hercules when he got here and an orange Capri-Sun for Alex because they weren’t actually gonna start their bender at ten to five.) while Alex mentally prepared an argument against John’s. When Sam went to go get their drinks Alex pulled up off of John’s shoulder and turned to glare at him.<br/>
“He’s straight.” Alex said and John watched in bewilderment as a sickly smile spread over Alex’s face like he’d just won some sort of fucked up lottery that crushed your dreams rather than gave you money. John grabbed a handful of the peanuts Sam had brought over.<br/>
“No he’s not.”<br/>
“Yes he <em>is</em>! I mean sure he dresses...<em> like that, </em>but straight dudes can dress eccentric too and check this, the cherry on the cake,” Alex said, nodding frantically as if this idea was a life line. “That look when you kissed me.”<br/>
“<em>What?</em>” John almost laughed at the strangeness of it all.<br/>
“Yeah! The way he looked at me when I said I was going on a date with you, he looked all confused and angry and like... disgusted. And I saw his face right after you kissed me, it was if I stabbed his mother in the tits right in front of him. He backed right off after that I’m telling you, at one bit when you were looking at me, he looked at us like he wanted to murder us. I’m telling you, we were almost acting friendly before that and then you walk up with your shoes-“ Alex kicked his feet gently. “-and your <em>hair</em>-“ He ruffled John’s hair, still in its ponytail, with a laugh as Sam brought their drinks up. “-and he went all stony faced and I shit you not dude it was like watching a castle get all prepared for a battle like the drawbridge coming up and the cannons or whatever. I <em>assure</em> you Laurens, the dude is totally straight.” Alex was definitely trying to convince himself more than John at this point, desperately attempting to remind himself that Thomas couldn’t possibly want him, not in a million billion years. And yet, he found himself still wanting Thomas. Ugh. “See so not only straight, homophobic. This is perfect. So hA, in your <em>face</em> Laurens!“ Alex absolutely did not sound as enthusiastic as his words were and he stuffed a fistful of peanuts into his mouth with mock triumph. John rolled his eyes and that’s when Hercules slid down across from them.<br/>
“Heya, Herc, you know Thomas Jefferson, yeah?” John asked.<br/>
“Yeah, he tipped me 100 dollars for a coat once. Seems like an alright guy. Why?” He took a sip of his sprite.<br/>
“Dudes not straight is he?”<br/>
“Pffff. No way.”<br/>
“<em>See</em>-“ John said, wiggling his finger right under Alex’s nose. Alex slapped him away, trying to be frustrated.<br/>
“Oh shut up. Don’t you know it’s rude to assume?”<br/>
“It ain’t an assumption though Alex, it’s an educated guess.” Hercules said.<br/>
“Based on our <em>data</em>-“ John began in a nasally voice, sitting up straight and hitching his imaginary glasses up his nose, a poor imitation of a weird sort of professor.<br/>
“Well I know him best and I say he’s a hetero. And my word is final.” Alex wrinkled his nose at the lack of alcohol in his Capri-Sun.<br/>
“No alcohol til Laf gets here.” Hercules told him as if reading his mind. Alex rolled his eyes.<br/>
“Alright, <em>mom</em>. Thought you were sitting with me anyway?”<br/>
“I will when the girls get here. Till then I’ll sit at this side with Laf then we can migrate over there, four to a side.”<br/>
Technically the booth was only meant for 6 but they managed to cram 8 in, resorting to sitting on each other if there were even more people with them.<br/>
“A couple to a side.” John smirked into his drink. Alex smacked his arm playfully. Hercules raised an eyebrow, not looking at all surprised.<br/>
“Round two is it?”<br/>
Alex laughed. “No, just John being over protective. Go on, you tell it Johnny, my vocal chords need a break.”<br/>
John rolled his eyes but took a breath.<br/>
“Well you see Herc, Alex went on a three hour rant about coffee to the President and his cabinet along with Aaron Burr and then went to apologise to his-“ he coughed very animatedly. “-crush- I MEAN enemy, Jefferson the dickwad, and decided he liked his voice or something and then Jefferson went to a meeting and emailed Alex something that <em>reeked</em> I tell you, reeked of pining and homoeroticism, Alex then freaked out and texted us, he walked into Jefferson’s man tits and Jefferson noticed that Alex is a lil cutie when he isn’t ranting about coffee for three hours and then he said something about jerking off and Alex panicked and said me and him were dating and then we put on this little show and Jefferson looked mortified and that’s cause he was jealous and Alex is now pretending that he wasn’t jealous, he was homophobic, and then I said I might as well fake date Alex for a bit just so we could keep tabs on him and then we came here.”<br/>
Hercules raised a glass. “Cheers to that.”<br/>
“Did I miss anything?” John asked, turning to Alex who’s legs were now up on the seat with his head between his knees.<br/>
“You got the general gist.” He muttered. He raised his head. “When is Laf getting here? I came to forget my Thomas issue, not talk about it.”<br/>
“Since when were you two on first name basis?”<br/>
”They're not,” John said pointedly.<br/>
”Ahhh, I see.” Hercules said.<br/>
”You see nothing, shut up.” Alex grumbled, cheeks bright red. Hercules and John shared a knowing look and clinked their glasses over a groaning Alex’s head. </p>
</div><p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>heyyyy so that was a longer one just cause the last two were kinda short so yeah :))))<br/>Tell me what u think?<br/>Thank you so much to everyone who’s commenting and leaving kudos and even reading it’s the highlight of my day seeing it ahhhh &lt;3<br/>Let me know if you’d like a chapter from Thomas’ point of view?<br/>Anyways, hope you enjoyed and have a wonderful day/night!!!<br/>-willow xxx</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. Drunk Alex is cute</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    
<p></p><div>
  <p>“Fucking Alex. That little fucking bitch, he’s... ughhhh it’s not <em>his</em> fault is it? But also yes it is? I know that’s unfair but like fuck him for not realising how I feel about him and going after some other dude when I’m right fucking there for him.” Thomas growled.<br/>
“Dude have <em>you</em> even realised your feelings for him?” James asked.<br/>
“<em>No</em>! And that’s the annoying thing-“ Thomas cut himself of with a hearty groan, lying on his back on his couch while James sat in an armchair taking notes.<br/>
“Could you try and articulate these feelings for me, Mr Jefferson?” James said in a weird snotty voice.<br/>
Thomas glared at him over his shoulder.<br/>
“I don’t <em>know</em>. I mean. I definitely don’t hate him like everyone seems to think I do. In fact, I really fucking care about the kid. Alex. He doesn’t like it when I call him kid. Ugh. This is torture, Jemmy. No, no <em>actually</em> I’ll tell you what <em>was</em> torture, watching Alex with that dude. He just- he just fucking kissed Alex right there right in front of my eyes.”<br/>
“And how did that make you feel Mr Jefferson?”<br/>
Thomas was ignoring James at this point, only barely acknowledging his questions.<br/>
“Like a man gone fuckin’ crazy. I feel like an idiot about it now, but in the moment I got so angry cause no one should... no ones allowed to- For fucks sake! For fucks fucking sake James, he’s mine and I hated the reminder that he’s not.” He was frustrated and angry and his hands had started shaking. “Fuck-“ he muttered, sitting up, really not wanting the impending panic attack.<br/>
“Hey, shit, Tommy, I didn’t- it’s okay, you’re okay,” James stoped messing the second he saw the first telltale sign, sitting next to Thomas and putting his arm around him. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Thomas exhaled shakily and slid down so his head was in James’ lap, doing his little breathing exercises to calm himself down.<br/>
“It’s these god damn fucking <em>feelings</em>,” Thomas’ shaking subsided as James gently stroked his hair.<br/>
“I know. I’m sorry I was being a dick, I know this must be shit for you.”<br/>
Thomas shook his head but they stayed quiet for a while until Thomas was sure he was okay again.<br/>
“So.” James began, knowing Thomas’ tells as to when he was fine and when he was not.<br/>
“Hamilton.”<br/>
“Hamilton.” Thomas huffed.<br/>
“What <em>do</em> you know about your feelings?”<br/>
“Other than nothing?” Thomas groaned.<br/>
“Yeah.”<br/>
“Well. I mean, he’s... he's my little Alex, y'know? I want him. Obviously. I don’t want him to hate me and I don’t want him to think I hate him. He’s so fucking cute, holy shit. I wanna take him on dates and I wanna pay for everything and I wanna bring him here after and watch movies and cuddle and for him to hide his face in my shoulder at the scary bits and I wanna cook for him and I wanna take him to so many amazing places and I want him to wanna come. I want him next to me all the fucking time, I want <em>him</em> to reach out to <em>me</em>, I want him to hold my hand, I want him to wear my jacket I want... <em>fuck</em> I don’t know Jemmy I just want <em>him</em>.” He breathed. He looked up at James who was grinning a maniacal grin.<br/>
“Why are you smiling like that you fucking psycho? Looking like I just gave you a million dollars cash and a smack on the ass what the fuck is up with you? We already <em>know</em> I wanna fuck him, it’s not like this is new information, Madison.”<br/>
“Ha! What you just described then, Thomas? That was not just wanting to fuck your coworker. You’re fucking in love with your coworker.” James kept smiling like a fucking maniac. Thomas’ mouth dropped open.<br/>
“Like fuck I am! I do not fucking love Hamilton!” Thomas yelled indignantly, sitting up off of James’ lap.<br/>
“Oh so he's Hamilton now is he? What happened to your little Alex?”<br/>
“Oh fuck off you dick. I am not fucking in love with Hamilton, that’s suicide.” Thomas tried so hard to believe it.<br/>
James rolled his eyes.<br/>
“Sure thing Thomas. Sure.”<br/>
“Fuck this and fuck you. Let’s have a look at your notes then?”<br/>
James passed Thomas his notepad and Thomas found a big stick figure with wild hair knelt down on one knee and a tiny stick figure with his hair in a ponytail and his little mouth open saying “yes”.<br/>
“You’re a fucking moron. An unhelpful fucking imbecile.” Thomas grumbled, shoving the notebook against James’ chest. “I need a drink.” Thomas stood up, barely regarding James who was smiling himself stupid.<br/>
“Jamie’s?” He asked, hiding any suspicious tones his voice may hold.<br/>
Thomas grabbed one of his less outrageous coats and his keys.<br/>
“Cmon then.” </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Thomas’ bad mood lifted as soon as they got in his car.<br/>
“I fucking love this car.”<br/>
“I know.” </p>
</div><div>
  <p>They drove in relative silence on the way there, arriving in the shitty little parking lot that Thomas was definitely apprehensive about leaving Jareth (his car) in at around half 7.<br/>
“Finally,” Thomas said. “I can drink my woes away.”<br/>
James allowed himself an evil little grin.<br/>
“Here,” he said innocently, extending his hand. Thomas narrowed his eyes a fraction but dropped his keys into James’ awaiting hand. James strolled into the bar first, passing the keys quickly to Sam the waiter, and with Sam’s sly little wink, the first phase of James’ pre-orchestrated plan was complete. Thomas was here. Now Thomas had to stay here.<br/>
Thomas took two steps into the bar and then instantly walked straight back out of it, face remaining completely impartial until he opened his mouth.<br/>
“Nope, nope nope nope nOPE.” He said, standing outside a foot or so out of the door. James came outside, a guilty grin plastered onto his face.<br/>
“Sorry?”<br/>
“Keys. Now.”<br/>
James shook his head. “Don’t have ‘em.”<br/>
“Give me the fucking keys, Madison! Come on, I can’t do this, you fucking asshole.”<br/>
“Sure you can! It’s not like I’m asking you to dance with him or anything, we’re just in the same general area as him. You’re in the same general area as him 5 days a week.”<br/>
“This is different. He’s with his friends and his fucking shitty boyfriend-“<br/>
“Dude he doesn’t <em>have</em> a boyfriend.”<br/>
“Yes he fucking does. The guy. I told you about him earlier, they fucking kissed right in front of me.”<br/>
“Who?”<br/>
“Alex and the dude. John. John Laurens I think. He’s there as well, you’re a fucking asshole now <em>give me my keys.”<br/>
</em>James only rolled his eyes.<br/>
“Hamilton and Laurens dated in college. Like years ago. They’re just friends dude you’re over thinking. Come on, it’ll be fun, Hamilton or not.”<br/>
Thomas shook his head, glaring his best death glare. James was unfortunately immune by now. Thomas’ head fell back and he faced skyward, glaring into the not yet dark abyss.</p>
</div><div>
  <p>“For fucks sakeeee,” he groaned but let Madison drag him in by his wrist. He led them to the booth right behind Alex’s and it was then that Thomas realised that James had planned his whole thing.<br/>
“I hate you.” He said, but his words held no heat and no one actually noticed them. When Thomas caught a glance of Alexander the first time he came in, he’d been leaning into a huge guy’s- Hercules Mulligan, a tailor Thomas liked- chest, laughing his little head off. This time however, he was staring into space, fucking god damn Lauren’s arm around his middle and Hercules’ arm on his shoulders. Their table looked fucking packed and everyone but Alex was talking animatedly. Thomas got a little worried but James dragged him down and began talking at such speeds about the most random of shit that Thomas didn’t have time to think. Thomas assumed that was the intention. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Alex zoned out durin the 4th retelling of his day. It had gotten much shorter by now, narrowed down only to the bit where Alex talked for 3 hours about shitty coffee and how he now had a crush on Thomas. But actually, the more Alex thought about it, the more he started to think that maybe this <em>crush </em>(though crush felt a bit juvenile for the intensity of the feelings he had)wasn’t a recent development. For the past few months, from round about the time of his 22nd birthday, when thinking of Thomas he thought of him as just that: Thomas. Jefferson hadn’t been around for a long time in Alex’s mind. Alex hadn’t hated the man in a considerable while, in fact, Alex doubted he ever really had. I mean sure, he disliked him a whole lot when he’d been a 21 year old intern, but even then, he’d respected Thomas too much to hate him. Thomas had turned from Jefferson the big bad meanie to Thomas, the funny and kinda sweet guy that never actually <em>tried</em> to upset Alex on purpose. Alex couldn’t pinpoint exactly when this transformation had occurred but there was definitely a change in the way he perceived Thomas.<br/>
He snapped out of his little trance as a big round of laughter broke out and John nudged him, drawing him close and kissing his head. Alexander grinned up at him and took a huge gulp of his drink. He was way too sober for this. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>For fucks sake, would you look at that? They were definitely boyfriends, look, you do not just kiss your friends like that and then give them that sorta smile. He snarled and grabbed their drinks before marching back to their booth.<br/>
“This is the fucking shittest thing you’ve ever done to me. And I’ll never forgive you.”<br/>
“Hm?”<br/>
“Jemmy, please,” Thomas was reduced to desperation. “Please just let me go home.”<br/>
James shook his head firmly. “This is character development. We’re staying.” He said sternly, taking a sip of his sex on the beach and glanced down at Thomas’ virgin Bloody Mary, wrinkling his nose in distaste.<br/>
“Thought the purpose of tonight was to drink your woes away?”<br/>
“How do you know it’s non alcoholic by looking- y’know what I don’t even care. I don’t know, James, you’ve gotten me out of the mood for drinking. Plus I don’t wanna leave Jareth here over night.”<br/>
“You mean you’re hoping to be able to give Hamilton a ride home?”<br/>
Thomas shrugged.<br/>
“You brought me here. You face the consequences.”<br/>
“Well what about me?!”<br/>
“You brought me here. You. Face. The consequences.” Thomas leant back and took a sip of his drink.<br/>
James’ mouth dropped open. He huffed and folded his arms, looking off to the bar in fake irritation. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“What- no. Shut up, you lying fuck-“ If it was anyone else, Thomas would have dismissed it as background noise, but it was not just anyone else.<br/>
It was fucking Alex.<br/>
“I do not lie, mon amour.” Lafayette. Okay, something was happening.<br/>
“Ooh, go say hi!” A woman.<br/>
“Shut the fuck up, oh my god if he <em>hears</em> you-“ Alex hissed.<br/>
Thomas though fuck it and popped his head over the top of the booth. Alex’s eyes met his and a horrified look flashed across his face as he instantly turned bright red.<br/>
“Hey, Alexander.”<br/>
Alex’s heart got caught in his throat. Well, Lafayette wasn’t lying after all. And he hated him for it.<br/>
“Damn, you were right, Al, he’s fucking hot,”  Maria whispered very indiscreetly.<br/>
“Oh fuckkk,” Alex groaned, shrinking into John’s shoulder. Thomas laughed.<br/>
“What’re you doing?”<br/>
Alex glared at him.<br/>
“Well I <em>was</em> having a nice time before you popped your big old head over here,” Alex grumbled.<br/>
“No you weren’t, you were complaining about how much you wanted-“<br/>
“SHHH- <em>shut</em> <em>the fuck up</em>! Herc, <em>seriously</em> man, come <em>on</em>,”<br/>
Thomas smirked.<br/>
“A man of many secrets I see,” He said, tongue catching between his teeth in a lopsided grin that went straight to Alex’s chest. Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck-<br/>
“Why don’t you come over and sit with us, Mr Jefferson?” Eliza asked sweetly, giving Alex a quick look over her shoulder, so evil that Alex no problems imagining her with red Devil horns.<br/>
“You horrid bitch,” he mouthed at her, taking a massive swig of his straight tequila. He winced but leaned back and shut his eyes against the warmth spreading through his veins.<br/>
Thomas looked at Alex, debating with himself.<br/>
“Sure. And call me Thomas.”<br/>
Alex opened his eyes just in time to see that movie star smile.<br/>
Fuck this. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>An hour and six drinks later and Alex had loosened up considerably. Thomas and James somehow crammed themselves into a booth made for six which currently occupied 9 (someone named Angelica apparently couldn’t get off work). Alex sat draped across Hercules with a dopey smile on his face and John’s arm around his hips. Thomas had Peggy laying on his shoulder and James had somehow got Lafayette on his lap. What a night.<br/>
Some random Coldplay song came on and Alex bounced up excitedly.<br/>
“We have to dance! Oh my god, come on we have to dance!” Alex squealed. Thomas didn’t have to fight his adoring smile cause everyone other than him was absolutely shit faced.<br/>
“I’ll come with you, Alex.” Peggy slurred, smiling like she’d spent the last hour smoking pot. John mumbled something, clearly a sleepy drunk, as was Maria, clutching at Eliza with her eyes closed. Eliza was only a bit more than tipsy, ever the mom friend, looking out for everyone as she sang quietly and rocked her (Girlfriend?? Wife?? Best friend?? Thomas didn’t know) Maria. Lafayette whooped and dragged Hercules to what Thomas assumed was the dance floor.<br/>
Alex stopped and turned around a few feet away from the table and holy fucking fuck. The darkened room, the rainbow lights, the cheesy disco ball all aided Alex in looking like the damn prettiest thing in all of America. Hell, in all of anywhere. His dark hair was in loose curls that settled just above his shoulders, his eyes were gleaming with a boyish mischief, his lips were slanted upward and his hip cocked out at one side. Thomas suddenly lost the ability to exist. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Alex offered Thomas a hand and it was like something from a damn movie the way everything seemed to quiet, to slow around them.<br/>
“Dance with me?”<br/>
Thomas forgot how to move for a moment before nodding.<br/>
“Yeah. Yeah, I’ll dance with you Alex.” The intimacy of Alexander’s nickname felt almost alien on his lips.<br/>
Thomas glanced back at the table, John settled back against the wall, sleeping lightly, Maria laying almost on top of Eliza with her eyes shut, mumbling her input into James and Eliza’s conversation every once in a while. Eliza glanced up at him.<br/>
“You go dance, Thomas. I’ll keep an eye on everyone.” Eliza promised. Thomas smiled and looked back up at Alex, still waiting expectantly with his hand outstretched. Thomas gave his best grin and grabbed Alex’s hand. Alex retuned his smile with just the same feelings behind it and pulled Thomas along behind him until they were near enough the middle of the dance floor. There were loads of people around them, and something like this usually would probably have triggered Thomas’ anxiety but not tonight. Not with Alex looking at him so distractingly.<br/>
“I love this song,” Alex yelled over the loud music, beaming up at him so beautifully.<br/>
“Yeah?”<br/>
Alex nodded, so smiley and sweet looking it made Thomas lovesick. Thomas had grown up on pretentious french opera which had understandably put him off music until he was in college and developed an attachment borderline obsession with David Bowie. He found himself all of a sudden inexplicably attached to Coldplay.<br/>
“You look like you’re enjoying yourself,” Thomas said, soft as he could manage while making sure Alex could still hear him.<br/>
“I am! And your accent is back!” He yelled.<br/>
“Huh?”<br/>
“Your accent! Your syrupy south one! You usually hide it at work, dontcha, but now it’s back!”<br/>
“Oh. I guess it is! Is it annoying?”<br/>
Alex shook his head frantically.<br/>
“No! No, it suits you!” He grinned. Thomas smiled back and made a calculated move to draw Alex closer. He tugged gently on their still connected hands. Alex moved easily towards him, looking down at their hands and then up at Thomas.<br/>
“Is this okay?” Thomas asked.<br/>
Alex nodded slowly, not smiling anymore but somehow looking happier. Alex brought their hands up to the height of his chest and let go, his free hand still gripping Thomas’ wrist. Alex pushed their hands together, palm to palm and Thomas had honestly stopped paying attention to what Alex was doing to their hands, looking down at Alex with the same fascination as Alex was looking at their hands.<br/>
Alexander slowly spread his fingers and Thomas automatically did the same. Alex’s smile began to creep back and he angled his hand to the side a fraction, closing his fingers between Thomas’.<br/>
Fuck, this felt very intimate. Too intimate. Jesus, if Alex only knew how much he was hurting Thomas.<br/>
But when Alexander looked up at him, through his lashes, smile widening by the second, it didn’t matter anymore. Nothing mattered anywhere, not when a smile like that was directed at Thomas.<br/>
Alex quickly linked their other hand’s fingers and raised their arms above their heads, swaying his hips and bopping his head along to the beat, singing every word of the song clearer than he was speaking. This was magical and Thomas thanked fuck he was sober.</p>
</div>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>hiyaaaaaaa ooh it’s getting tense huh??? :D<br/>I’m aware of how cliche this chapter is too, don’t you worry about it lol<br/>Anyway, the interaction I get with you guys in the comments reminds me I’m a person so I can’t thank you enough for that ahah<br/>So yeah!! I think I’ll probably post the next chapter later tonight cause I have so many ideas :))<br/>That was that! I really hope you liked it and I’d love any new comments &lt;333<br/>I love and appreciate you and I hope you have a wonderful day/night!<br/>-willow xxx</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0006"><h2>6. Confessions?</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    
<p></p><div>
  <p>Thomas and Alex danced for the next three songs and they had somehow ended up with Thomas’ arms wound around Alex’s waist, Alex’s hands on Thomas’ shoulders and Alex standing on Thomas’ feet.<br/>“We should probably round everyone up hm?”<br/>“I can’t.” Alex said determinedly. “I can’t let this end. I’ll remember this, I know I will and I won’t forgive myself if we let this end now. Not yet. Just...” Alex near whimpered, cautiously laying his head on Thomas’ chest. “<em>Please</em>.” Thomas was sure that Alex must be able to feel his heart hammering violently in his chest.<br/>“Hey, you two!” Peggy came waltzing up with Sam, everyone’s favourite waiter, hot on her heels. “We’re clocking in for the night, you couldn’t tell Eliza for us could you? Don’t want her worrying.” Peggy was seemingly unaware of the spell she had just broken as Alex appeared to sober up, just a bit and stepped away from Thomas.<br/>The distance Alex had deliberately put between them suffocated Thomas and Jesus, this was too much.<br/>“Yeah, sure.” Alex gave her a sweet smile and leaned into her hug. Thomas thought he whispered something and Peggy's eyes flashed up to meet Thomas’ for a second before she pulled back and nodded with a reassuring smile at Alex, tucking some hair behind his ear.<br/>“Text me when you wake up?”<br/>Alex nodded.<br/>She kissed his forehead and gave Thomas a warm wave as she and Sam left.</p>
</div><div>
  <p>Alex took a moment before he turned and faced Thomas again. He smiled but it was less genuine than earlier.<br/>“You were saying we should round everyone up?” </p>
</div><div>
  <p>When the whole crew arrived it had been John in the left corner with Alex between him and Hercules and Lafayette perched on the end. Maria was in the right corner next to Eliza and Peggy was on the end with room beside her for Sam should they happen to want to sit with the gang between orders.<br/>Now it was John’s back against the wall in the back left corner with his feet up on Hercules’ knee and James leaning back against Hercules’ shoulder, half asleep on the end. Maria and Eliza had become one in the back right corner and Alex sat on Lafayette’s lap, Thomas beside them opposite James.<br/>“Alex, mon petit lion, j't'aime but I’m tired. Here look,” he scooped Alex up and dumped him in Thomas’ lap.<br/>“Hey!” Alex objected, yet settled instantly into Thomas’ chest as if no change had occurred.<br/>But it really really really had. Thomas tensed up and got a look off of Hercules.<br/>“Just shove him off if you don’t want him,” He said as if he did it on the regular. He probably did, knowing Alex.<br/>“Don’t you dare,” Alex growled and nestled down further, trying to absorb as much of Thomas’ body heat as he could.<br/>“Okay, okay.” Thomas hesitantly let his arms curl around Alex, not pulling or pushing, barely holding, just circling, but Alex seemed to appreciate the gesture.<br/>“Alright then, bye guys,” Hercules said, dodging his way out of the booth, waving his byes, blowing a kiss to Eliza, winking at Alex, flipping John off and giving Thomas a little nod that felt strangely like an initiation. Lafayette clung to his arm and they went outside to hail a cab.<br/>“Can I go home too?” Alex mumbled to no one in particular. Thomas looked down at him, stroking some hair out of his face and behind his ear before looking up and around at the remaining people at the table, a weird wish that no one wanted to take Alex home repeating itself in his mind. Eliza gave him a look like she could read his thoughts.<br/>“He’s all yours.”<br/>Thomas flushed at that. “Hear that Alex?”<br/>Alexander nodded, barely awake.<br/>“All yours,” he echoed. And my god, had Thomas ever heard anything better in his whole entire life? The answer was no.<br/>He forced out a little laugh. “Yeah. I’ll get you home Alex, cmon.”<br/>Eliza smiled at him.<br/>James waved hazily.<br/>“What’re you doing then, Jemmy?”<br/>“I think he’ll be having a sleepover with Maria, John and I. Don’t worry about him, I’ll put John on the couch, James can have the guest bed.”<br/>“Honestly, you’re so kind Eliza but you really don’t have to-“<br/>“Pff, nonsense. I don’t want him wandering the streets alone, I’m used to adopting strays and besides,” Eliza said with a pointed look at Alex.<br/>“Yeah, Thomas. Besides.” Alex repeated with a tiny cute little scowl, acknowledging that Eliza had looked at him, eyes blinking open.<br/>“Right. Yeah. Okay, thank you so much,” Thomas dipped down and kissed Eliza’s head.<br/>“You’re a star.”<br/>“I know,” she grinned. “Go on, away with you. You’ve got my number, yeah? Just text me his address later and I can drop him off home in the morning.” Eliza (and peggy and Maria and Hercules (he already had Lafayette’s)) had swapped numbers with him, and Alexander even gave him his personal number (ahhhh!!!) earlier on.<br/>“One for me?” Alex blinked owlishly up at Thomas. Thomas blushed but bent down and kissed the top of Alex’s head too.<br/>“Mwah,” Alex murmured with a close eyed smile.<br/>“Yeah. Come on,” Thomas stood up with Alex still bundled up in his arms and he had half a mind to keep him like that but he released him instead. Alex rubbed his eyes, less sleepy now he was standing and grabbed Thomas’ hand. He didn’t look up at him but Thomas could see the very poorly hidden smile on his little face.<br/>“See you guys.” Thomas smiled.<br/>“Bye bye,” Thomas decided that no one ever was as cute as drunk Alex. No one was as cute as sober Alex either but drunk Alex just said “bye bye”.<br/>Come on. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Thomas led Alex by the hand to Jareth and helped him carefully into the passenger side.<br/>“Woah,” Alex breathed, wide awake.<br/>“You like?”<br/>“Thomas I fucking <em>love</em>! Oh my god it smells so good in here, it’s so nice I-”<br/>Thomas grinned, ridiculously happy that Alex liked his car.<br/>“Glad you like it.”<br/>“It’s the sexiest car I’ve ever been in.” Alex said, still awestruck.<br/>“Jareth says you’re not too bad yourself.”<br/>“Your car is called Jareth?”<br/>Thomas nodded.<br/>“As in the David Bowie character?”<br/>Thomas nodded very enthusiastically.<br/>“No one usually gets that!”<br/>“This is officially the best car I’ve ever been in in my whole life-“<br/>Thomas had planned on being all cool and suave but holy fucking shit-<br/>Okay, no, focus on getting Alex home. The car roared to life with the twist of Thomas’ keys and Alex squeaked excitedly. Thomas could watch Alex like this forever.<br/>“So. Where to?”<br/>“Uh...” Alex faltered for a moment, eyes going wide. “I don’t remember..” he whispered, clapping his hands over his face. Thomas blinked and Alex spluttered out his laughter. “I’m so sorry, just drop me off at some subway, I’ll know my way back from there,”<br/>Yeah, as if Thomas would ever entertain that idea. He shot James a quick text for when he wakes up saying: don’t come over tomorrow, Alex is crashing on the couch and I don’t want u freaking him out.<br/>He met Alex’s wide eyes.<br/>“Don’t be stupid.” </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Alex’s mental note to self: there is nothing hotter than Thomas fucking Jefferson driving. Please sober Alex, please remember how hot he is. </p>
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  <p>“You’re gonna regret this is the morning, Alex. I know you are. You’re gonna be so angry at me.” Thomas smiled but there was sadness beind it.<br/>Alex hummed contemplatively as he settled into Thomas’ bed.<br/>“I won’t be.”<br/>“You will.”<br/>“No. I’ll probably pretend to be. But I won’t be angry. Not really. I mean why would I be?”<br/>“Because it’s me.”<br/>Alex shook his head. “That’s one of the reasons why I’d be the opposite of angry. You’ve been so kind to me. But, you’re right, it <em>is</em> you. I...” he trailed off, this was seemingly something that even Alex’s drunk mind was unwilling to share. He shook his head, trying to snap himself out of it. “And I’m scared. Scared of.... this,” he waved his arm between himself and Thomas. “And I know there’s nothing really there to be scared of but... I...“ Alex didn’t seem to be able to finish that line of thought either. Thomas looked down at him, so soft it hurt. This was exposing Thomas’ vulnerability somehow, Alex knew it. “I wish I knew you better.” Alex murmured. Thomas blinked, caught off guard and Alex shimmied to the side, making room for Thomas beside him. Thomas lowered himself next to Alex tentatively, despite it being his bed.<br/>“Why?” He asked and his voice holy fuck, it was quiet and sweet and Alex would give anything to take it for his own and bury himself in it, sober or otherwise.<br/>“You look at me sometimes and you look so... so soft and sort of affectionate, and it just doesn’t look like you at all. Not the you I know. It doesn’t look like Jefferson, it looks like Thomas, and oh my <em>god</em>, I love it. I love it so much when I can look at you like that and pretend for a moment that you don’t hate me.” Alex whispered, so earnest and intense he scared himself. Thomas’ heart broke because of course he didn’t hate him. How could he? Fuck, he hated knowing that Alex thought he did.<br/>“Alex, I don’t hate you. I’ve never hated you. I don’t think I ever will.“ Alex just shook his head as if the very thought shattered his idea of reality.<br/>“I wanna know what you’re thinking about when you get all hazy like that.” Everything was quiet, they spoke only in hushed tones and the air felt like silk.<br/>Thomas still hesitated. “You.”<br/>Alex gazed up at him as though Thomas himself had hung all the stars in the sky, all wide eyes full of curiosity and something Thomas couldn’t name.<br/>“I think you’re magic.” Alex was definitely gonna hate himself for this tomorrow, if he could even remember it, and Thomas knew he shouldn’t let it continue but he needed to know more. Plus, he was giving just as much as he was getting.<br/>“Do you now?”<br/>Alex nodded. “From the first day I met you. I’ve always felt so drawn to you, Thomas, I couldn’t explain it if I tried.”<br/>“I know what you mean.” </p>
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  <p>Alex just stared for a few seconds.<br/>“John isn’t really my boyfriend.” He said eventually. Ah, now this was interesting. Alex watched Thomas’ expression turn confused and decided he wasn’t gonna get a response so continued. “I was pretending ‘cause I panicked. You were so close to me Thomas and it made me feel so many things I was so determined to not feel for you. And your eyes were so pretty and I got distracted and panicky and John turned up and then-“ Alex cut himself off with a groan, stuffing his head into a pillow he’d laid across his knees.<br/>One eye peeked out and looked at Thomas.<br/>“‘M sorry. I know you’re probably a little icky about me even being here huh?” Alex gave a bitter little laugh and Thomas didn’t even get to appreciate how drunk Alex said words like icky.<br/>“Course I’m not. You’re a... friend? Maybe? Well I know you and I... <em>care</em> about you, I wasn’t gonna leave you stranded was I?” Thomas seemed mighty confused.<br/>“Dunno. I thought with your whole yknow...” Alex looked around the empty bedroom for pesky eavesdroppers. “Hating the gays thing,” he whispered, right in Thomas’ ear.<br/>Thomas looked down at him, chin still resting on Thomas’ shoulder, with the most incredulous look on his face.<br/>“<em>What</em>?”<br/>“We figured, well, <em>I</em> figured, that since you gave John and me such scary looks when we were pretending to date that you were a homophobe,” Alex said, grimacing with wide eyes.<br/>“Alex-“ Thomas was in a state of utter disbelief. Did people seriously still think he was straight? “You’re a complete idiot.”<br/>Alex pulled an angry, shocked little face.<br/>“<em>Thomas</em>! Don’t be so rude!”<br/>“I’m sorry but <em>what</em>? How can you possibly be as intelligent as you are and this fucking oblivious?” Alex shrugged.<br/>“Super power,” He said and Thomas couldn’t help bursting out laughing at the way he said ‘soopa powa’ all cute with his little eyes closed and hair all in his face.<br/>“Jesus Christ, Alex.” </p>
  <p>They soon fell into a comfortable silence, leaning back against the headboard, one of Alex’s legs atop Thomas’, his head on Thomas’ shoulder.<br/>“I don’t want to go back to work on Monday.” Alex mumbled.<br/>“That’s a first,” Thomas scoffed, softening when he didn’t get a laugh back. “Why not?”<br/>“I don’t wanna go back to Jefferson and <em>kid</em> again. I hate it, Thomas. I hate it so so much. I just wanna be your friend, I don’t wanna have to pretend to hate you. Cause I don’t, y’know. Honest. You’re the most fun I get in the office and you’ve been the most fun I’ve had tonight. I love it, how you’re calling me Alex. It’s like... it’s like with your soft look. It’s like I can pretend, only for a second...” Alex‘s last few words died on his lips but he could’ve been speaking a different language and Thomas still would’ve been able to read the emotions in his voice. “I like calling you Thomas, too. Cause you’re acting like Thomas now.”<br/>“And what does Thomas act like?”<br/>Alexander paused, seemingly searching for a word.“Lovely. He’s the one that looks at me so soft, he’s the one that always checks to see if I’ve gone home before he leaves even though he thinks I haven’t noticed.” Thomas flushed with embarrassment. Well shit. How long had Alex known about that? “He’s the one that gives me a secret proud little smile if I’ve made a particularly good argument, he leaves me a little smiley face at the bottom of his post it notes sometimes and he has an accent that I’m sure would taste like honey. He has such beautiful eyes and he radiates a kind of warmth like a hot chocolate by the fire and he calls me kid cause he doesn’t know how much it upsets me. He’s the one that emailed me earlier, he's the one that purposely didn’t drink too much so he could take me home. He picked me up tonight in his awesome car named after a David Bowie character cause he’s a fucking nerd and he put me in his bed and he calls me Alex and he listens to my stupid rambling. And, <em>god</em>, I like him so much better than Jefferson.”</p>
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  <p>Alex really did seem to believe they were two separate people.<br/>Thomas supposed in a way they were. He was almost scared to continue this line of thought but honestly, he needed to know.<br/>“And who’s Jefferson?”<br/>Alex glanced up at Thomas.<br/>“Jefferson hates me. I act like I hate him too and it’s so easy cause he likes humiliating me and I like yelling at him. He’s rich and he’s powerful and he’s intimidating and he’s stone cold, absolutely impossible to read. He wears expensive suits and smells like success and he’s such an arrogant prick it makes me angry. Always on his high horse. He scares me so bad, but he’s a liar.” Alexander said, voice quiet. Thomas got a bit choked up and felt that horrible prickle you get just before the tears because drunk Alex is fucking mean as shit and he’s slashing brutally at every chink in Thomas’ armour.<br/>“Oh yeah?” He tried not to sound hoarse.<br/>Alex nodded. “He’s lying about his own existence. He isn’t real, he’s someone Thomas made up because he had to. Cause he was scared. And the more I talk to Thomas, the more invisible Jefferson’s becoming.” Alex said, curling his legs up so he was tucked against Thomas’ arm, settling back down as if he hadn’t just said the most upsetting and sweet and poetic thing Thomas had ever heard.<br/>“Alex-“<br/>“Who’s Alex?”<br/>Thomas’ heart almost stopped. He was fucking sober how was he meant to admit his fucking feelings?<br/>“Alex is...” Thomas faltered. So they were really making a whole thing out of this? Fine. Thomas could be poetic too. “He’s a sweetheart. Sometimes he smiles up at me if he gets really excited about something because he forgets we act like we hate each other and he looks like sunshine. He learnt french so he could speak to Lafayette without anyone knowing what they were saying and sometimes he’ll grumble to himself in french when he's concentrating. He has a little cartoon lion as his desktop wallpaper and he only ever eats his lunch if it has a pack of sour patch kids in it and he always <em>always</em> pulls the cutest damn faces at the sourness. He’s the one that wears his hair down and apparently loves dancing after like 3 shots. He loves his friends to bits and sometimes <em>he</em> gets this look about him too. And he’ll look up at me like he’s seeing what I could be, not what I am. He looks so content and soft and sweet like I could scoop him up in a blanket and drive him home and watch a movie with him. Cause, I’m telling you, he’s a joy to drive around. He likes my car see, and that’s like the best compliment ever. He’s always always fucking cold and I have to fight the urge to give him my jacket cause of how cute I know he’d look, and okay, yep, right, he just fell asleep. Cool. Well-“ Thomas got up gently and scooped Alex up in his arms, head lolling against his chest and Thomas might have held him there a few seconds more than necessary but shut up about it, then he deposited Alex onto his bed in what looked like a comfy sleeping position.<br/>“G’night Alex.” He sighed. “Sweet dreams.”</p>
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  <p>He quietly shut the door to his bedroom and flopped down on his couch.<br/>He called James.<br/>“What do you want?” James groaned.<br/>“Oh and hello to you too. Nothing, just wanted to tell you Alex is asleep and everything’s fine here. You alright?”<br/>“Mhm. Anything happen between you two?”<br/>“For fucks sake, James he was drunk. Of course nothing- Jesus.” Thomas huffed.<br/>“Right, yeah. Course. Any drunken love confessions?” James seemed almost bored.<br/>Thomas faltered.<br/>That wasn’t a love confession back there... <em>was</em> it?<br/>No. No, <em>absolutely</em> not. Alex just said that he hated Jefferson and didn’t hate Thomas.<br/>But was <em>Thomas</em>’ little speech a love confession..?<br/>“Nope. Not by <em>either</em> of us.”<br/>“Shame. Could’ve finally pulled your heads out of your asses. But oh well.” Thomas rolled his eyes.<br/>“Whatever.”<br/>“Hope you’re ready for a world of complaining tomorrow.”<br/>“What? Why?”<br/>“The high and mighty Alexander Hamilton crashing on a couch? He’ll get a crick in his little neck and you’ll never hear the end of it.” Thomas blushed.<br/>“Uh, yeah, actually, he’s in my bed.”<br/>James was quiet for so long Thomas was starting to wonder if the line had gone dead.<br/>“I’m sorry what?”<br/>“Well I’m on the couch, obviously we aren’t sharing a bed. But, y’know. Um... wouldn’t want him complaining..?”<br/>“That was definitely an excuse you just though up on the spot. Dude, if you love the guy-“<br/>“I don’t fucking love him, okay?” He almost yelled but shushed himself as not to wake Alexander. “No one ever said anything about me loving him. I just... I just care about him. Like Lafayette does or Eliza or any of those guys or... or Washington or someone I don’t know. Don’t you be saying things like that Jemmy or I’ll... Well it won’t be pretty.”<br/>James snorted. “Sure thing Tom. One more thing? What’re you gonna do with him tomorrow?”<br/>“What am I gonna do with him? What- <em>take him for a picnic James</em>, what the fuck do you think? I’m taking him home.”<br/>“No need to get sarcastic. So you’re taking him home then?”<br/>“What did I just this second say?”<br/>“Well I just thought you'd be letting him fend for himself.”<br/>“You think I’m some sort of monster, Madison? No, I’m a gentleman thanks, I’ll make him food if he wants food, I’ll get him an aspirin then I’ll take him home. I don’t want him on the subway it’ll be dangerous.”<br/>“Sounds to me like you’ve been happily married for 17 fruitful years,” James said putting on a stupid high voice.<br/>“Oh you’re so funny Jemmy! Has anyone ever told you that? No! Awe, how could I have possibly have guessed.”<br/>“Sarcasm is the lowest form of wit y’know,”<br/>“Oh noooo,”<br/>“Say hello to the wife for me-“ Thomas hung up on him.<br/>“Prick.” He muttered. </p>
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  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Two chapters in a day? <br/>ANd a long one???<br/>:000<br/>It must be magic :))) <br/>Hope u enjoyed!!! Tell me if u did? <br/>Have a wonderful time being on this planet! &lt;3 <br/>I love you and I’m proud of you!! <br/>Byeee :p<br/>-willow xoxo :)))</p>
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<a name="section0007"><h2>7. Sweaters and hot chocolate</h2></a>
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  <p>“What the fuck- where-“ Alex stumbled out of Thomas’ bedroom and into his open plan living room with one hand in his hair and the other playing distractedly with the collar of Thomas’ shirt he had on. Alex stopped dead in his tracks when he saw Thomas leaning back against the stove in the kitchen, heart catching in his throat.<br/>Thomas didn’t move, just kept his eyes on Alex, unwilling to make the first move. Was he supposed to smile? Roll his eyes? Ignore him? He didn’t know where Alex thought they stood.<br/>“<em>Jefferson</em>? What the fuck is this?! Is this- is this your apartment?”<br/>Thomas nodded. So he was back to Jefferson then. He could almost hear the cogs whirring in Alex’s head. Then some sort of realisation appeared to dawn on Alex.</p>
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  <p>“We didn’t- oh my god, no we didn’t- did we?” He seemed petrified of the very idea.<br/>Thomas just shook his head.<br/>“You were off your head, what do you think?”<br/>“Right. Yeah, course.” Alex nodded, seeming to calm down a bit, looking down at his feet. “Should’ve fucking known this was your place when I woke up in fucking silk bedsheets in a shirt like <em>this</em>-“ he said, wrinkling his nose at Thomas’ rather... outgoing shirt.<br/>“I <em>could’ve</em> left you in your gross work clothes. I could’ve left you at the bar, too.” Thomas said, not really putting any emotion behind his words. Alex blinked.<br/>“Yeah. I know.” Alex‘s voice was soft as he met his eyes. “Thank you.”<br/>Thomas shrugged and turned around, flipping their pancakes.<br/>Alex bit his lip, unsure of what to do with himself. He pulled the hair tie off his wrist and scooped his hair into what could barely be classed as a bun just for something to do.<br/>“You hungry?” Thomas asked, still facing away. He was wearing a tank top and Alex could see every fucking delicious dip of his muscles and was more than a bit crestfallen that he didn’t get any.<br/>Alex nodded when Thomas turned around and Thomas gestured him over. Alex padded into Thomas’ kitchen.<br/>“Your ceilings are higher than my whole building.”<br/>Thomas laughed at that, low and gentle. “Doubt it.”<br/>He turned back around with two plates.<br/>Alex was stood a few feet away with his arms crossed defensively around his stomach, staring at him with his lip between his teeth, not exactly uncomfortable, but... scared?<br/>Thomas didn’t know.<br/>“You okay?” He asked, not bothering to hide the concern in his voice.<br/>“I’m sorry.”<br/>“What?”<br/>“For... y'know. Being here.” He laughed humourlessly. “I know how I can get sometimes and I don’t really remember anything after you showed up but I’ve ended up here and I stole your bed and you probably aren’t too happy about me ruining your Saturday. I don’t mean to be a burden, I really am sorry.”<br/>“Alexander...” Thomas set their plates down gently and sat down, gesturing for Alex to do the same. “You <em>don’t</em> have to be sorry,” He said it with as much conviction as he could. Alex wasn’t a burden, Thomas didn’t want him thinking he was. “You aren’t a burden, I promise. I wouldn’t have brought you here if I didn’t want you, would I?”<br/>“I don’t know. Look, Jefferson, I really am grateful for everything, truly, but I shouldn’t be here. It’s not fair on you, it’s not... it’s not fair on either of us. I-I should go-“<br/>“Alexander, you really don’t have to leave. I’m totally fine with you being here, I mean if you wanna go home, I’ll take you home. But you don’t have to go because you think I want you to. Cause I don’t. You can stay here if you’d like, I’ll put a movie on for you or something so you won’t even have to talk to me and I’ll take you back when your hangover dies down- speaking of-“ Thomas got up and came back a few seconds later with a glass of water and some aspirin. “Here. Don’t worry about anything okay? It’s Saturday, no one has time to worry on a Saturday. You’re more than welcome to be here, alright? Hell, you can stay all weekend if you’d like and I’ll drop you at work on Monday. There’s not exactly anything else I’ll be doing.” Thomas laughed. Alex stared at him and it was close to the way he looked at him last night when he intertwined their fingers.<br/>“I can call John.” He said hesitantly.<br/>Thomas shook his head. “Alexander listen to me. Are you listening?”<br/>Alexander nodded tentatively.<br/>“You are not just some tribulation. Okay? I’m happy for you to stay here, I’m happy to take you home, I’m happy to take you to Lafayette’s or Elizas or... or <em>Laurens</em>’-“ he managed. “-or wherever you wanna go. I don’t think we have to pretend to hate each other anymore, in fact I think we might be friends. So I want you to be comfortable. Plus, I’m glad to have someone other than James to hang out with for once. Yeah?”<br/>Alexander softened.<br/>“Yeah.” He nodded, a smile finding its way to his face. “Yeah. Thank you.”<br/>“No problem. Now, get some food down you, unless you want something else, and I’ll get you some coffee made.”<br/>“Thanks, Jefferson.” </p>
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  <p>For fucks sake- Jefferson? <em>Really</em>? Still?<br/>Thomas tried to not let it get to him and got his coffee machine up and running and by the time he had two cups made Alex had devoured all 4 of his pancakes and now just sat swinging his legs as he looked at Thomas.<br/>“Hungry are you?”<br/>Alex shrugged. “Haven’t had anything other than peanuts since like Thursday.”<br/>“Alexander-“<br/>“Yeah yeah I know, spare me the lecture.”<br/>Thomas glared but didn’t miss the look of shame Alex tried to hide so dropped the subject for now.<br/>“I can make you more? You can have some cereal or something if you want it?”<br/>“You got froot loops?”<br/>“Uhhhh-“ Thomas poked around in his cupboards for a moment before nodding. Alex grinned.<br/>“Gimmie the good stuff,” he said. Thomas snorted.<br/>“This is <em>not</em> the good stuff. But alright.”<br/>He grabbed the milk from the fridge and a bowl from the cupboard and-<br/>“What in gods name are you doing there?!” Alexander screeched.<br/>Thomas turned around questioningly.<br/>“Getting you cereal?”<br/>“You’re putting the fucking milk in first! You fucking psychopath!” Alex’s mouth hung open as he shook his head.<br/>“Oh you don’t like it?” Thomas asked innocently. He grabbed the cereal and very slowly started shaking it into the pre-milked bowl.<br/>“<em>Noooo,</em>“ Alex moaned. “Oh god I’ve been wounded,” he cried, throwing himself back dramatically, a hand to his forehead.<br/>He must have leant back a bit too far or something because the next thing Thomas knew he was watching the kids expression turn petrified as he fell to the floor. He landed with a heavy thump and blinked up at Thomas, dazed.<br/>“What the fuck-“<br/>Thomas couldn’t stop himself bursting out laughing at Alex’s stunned little face, looking around dumbfounded at the bottom of Thomas’ kitchen.<br/>“Oh my god, come here, you idiot,” Thomas bent down and hauled Alex back up again. “The fuck was that? Are you okay, are you hurt?”<br/>Alex only stared up at Thomas, wide eyed and shaken.<br/>“How-“ He furrowed his eyebrows and glared at the bench. “Uh, yeah, no I’m fine. Thanks. Fucking hell, that knocked me senseless for a moment-“ Alexander shook his head.<br/>Thomas was still gripping Alex’s arms, holding him up and Alex looked down at his hands before meeting his eyes. Thomas followed Alex’s gaze and released him quickly.<br/>“Sorry,” he took a step back.<br/>Alex shook his head. “It’s um... it’s fine.” Alex gave a little shy smile up at Thomas, something so unlike his usual loud, brash self yet something so suited to how Thomas was realising he actually was that it’s made Thomas’ heart flutter, a feeling he was unwilling to name warming his chest. </p>
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  <p>“So,” Thomas said, passing the bowl of cereal and a spoon to Alex and leading him into the living room. “What’s your plan of action today?”<br/>Alex chewed his spoonful of froot loops thoughtfully. “Hm. Well-“ he swallowed his food. “I mean every month me and the crew take a day out and have a picnic at Central Park or something, if there’s a game on I’ll go watch it over at John’s, one of the others might arrange something but other than that I usually spend my Saturdays either doing work stuff or writing an essay about whatever random crap I can just to keep myself occupied. Last week’s was creaks.”<br/>“Sounds like fun.”<br/>Alex shrugged. “I don’t really have anything else I could be doing.”<br/>“Huh.” Thomas watched as Alex slowly got more comfortable, settling back into Thomas’ ridiculously comfy couch more and more until he no longer looked all stiff, finishing his cereal in record time and getting up to go dump it in the sink while Thomas flicked aimlessly through the channels. He watched as Alex cleaned his bowl, dried it and put it back, and Thomas had to be an idiot to miss the domesticity of the situation. He noticed tiny things Alex did like how he had to go on his tip toes to put the bowl back in its cupboard and how he clicked his tongue ever so slightly to the beat of some song and tapped his head in time and how he absentmindedly puffed his cheeks out while he was distracted or how his feet turned just a little inwards and his hip cocked out when he stood normally. Alex grabbed his coffee, still on the kitchen table, and shuffled back over wearing only Thomas’ shirt, his boxers and a sock, a strange primal feeling taking ahold of Thomas at the sight of Alexander in <em>his</em> clothes with <em>his</em> cup in his little hands in <em>his</em> apartment.<br/>“So how do <em>you</em> usually spend your Saturdays then?” Alex asked, curling his legs up and cradling his coffee between his knees and his chest. He was facing Thomas this time, sitting half a cushion closer so that there was now only one and a half between them. </p>
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  <p>Thomas didn’t know if that was deliberate or what but he most definitely did not mind.<br/>“Dunno really. I hang out with James sometimes, I really like movies so we might go catch one. I like driving about so I’ll do that I guess. On the odd occasion, if I can get Friday or Monday off, I’ll go down to my house in Virginia, Monticello, cause I fucking love it there. If not then I don’t really do anything. I’ll put the tv on and let it play as background noise and maybe read, maybe cook something for no one, maybe just of get lost in my thoughts until it’s dark. Then if James forces me out I’ll go out and if he doesn’t I’ll go to bed.” Alex grimaced. “Yeah. Tell me about it.”<br/>“Do you not have anyone else you could go out with?”<br/>Thomas gave him a look. Not bitter but more resigned. “You of all people should know that I’m not an easy man to get along with. How many friends do you think I have?”<br/>Alex shook his head. “You’re not the problem between us Jefferson, I am. I find it very difficult to believe that anyone dislikes your company.”<br/>“What about you? Don’t you dislike my company?”<br/>“I’m here aren’t I?” </p>
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  <p>Thomas stopped. “Yeah. Yeah, you’re here.” He said, soft as anything. “Well I mean I basically forced you to stay but-“ he attempted to force the mood away from anything relatively emotional.<br/>“Ha! You couldn’t force me to do anything if your life depended on it.”<br/>“I’m willing to bet Monticello that that’s entirely untrue. But alright.”<br/>Alex rolled his eyes but didn’t argue further.<br/>“You still haven’t answered my question.” Thomas said, keeping his eyes fixed to the muted tv.<br/>“Hm?”<br/>“I asked what you were planning to do today. Not what you do on Saturdays.” Thomas looked down at him.<br/>“Oh.” Alex blinked. “That’s right. Um... I don’t know? I don’t really like the thought of leaving you here alone to be honest. This place is too big for just one person.”<br/>“You should see Monticello.”<br/>“Doesn’t it get lonely?”<br/>“Yes.” </p>
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  <p>Alex softened and gentle summer rain started pattering on Thomas’ huge floor to ceiling windows a few metres to the left of them. Thomas just shook his head. Alex reached a hand out to comfort his- friend? Were they friends? He didn’t want to dwell on it- his Thomas in some way. He faltered, not wanting to overstep the wobbly line that marked the border between friendship and hatred and something overwhelming and frightening all at once, and drew his hand back.<br/>“Can I stay?” He asked, setting his coffee down and shuffling forward on his knees, closer. Thomas looked at him searchingly. Alex tried to put every emotion he was feeling on his face, for once, <em>once</em>, willing to be read.<br/>“If you’d like.” He said finally.<br/>“I would.”<br/>Thomas nodded. “Okay.”<br/>Alex smiled. “What shall we do today?”<br/>“Anything you want.” There was a beat before Alexander’s eyes lit up with what could only be a dangerous idea and he visibly fought down his excitement at something.<br/>“What? What’re you-?”<br/>“No. Nothing,” Alex couldn’t seem to contain his huge smile.<br/>“Alexander you’re acting like such a little weirdo, what the hell has gotten you so happy all of a sudden?”<br/>“<em>Nothing! </em>Leave it. Ooh, look, The Office. Can we watch The Office?” Alex asked, expecting Thomas to ignore the way he was practically vibrating in his seat. Well, Thomas did ignore it. He hadn’t questioned the fact that Alex was a freaky little oddball before, he wasn’t going to start now. </p>
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  <p>When the ads between the episodes came on Alex sat up on his knees and pulled the blanket off of the back of the couch and wrapped it around his shoulders.<br/>“Cold?” Thomas asked.<br/>Alexander nodded.<br/>“I could get you another coffee or something if you want. A sweater?”<br/>“You wouldn’t happen to have hot chocolate would you?” Alex asked hopefully. Thomas lit up.<br/>“Only the god damn best recipe in the whole world.”<br/>“Yeah?”<br/>“Oh, <em>hell</em> yeah!”<br/>Alex giggled. He hadn’t seen this side of Thomas before. He liked it.<br/>Alex watched with a smile as Dwight did something weird, paying less attention to the screen than to Thomas humming.<br/>Alex sighed, curling under Thomas’ blanket. Everything smelt like Thomas, looked authentically Thomas, it felt like he was suffocating in the guy.<br/>He loved it.<br/>“Here,” Thomas came back, throwing a college sweater at Alex’s face and putting his hot chocolate (topped with whipped cream, marshmallows and chocolate chips) down on the coffee table.<br/>“Thanks,” Alex grinned and pulled on the sweater, practically drowning in the thing.<br/>Now <em>that</em> sparked something up in Thomas.<br/>Fuck, he hated this bit of himself, the possessive bit that was far too happy in having Alex so blatantly <em>his</em> like this.<br/>But Alex wasn’t his, he had to remind himself. He wasn’t. So Thomas forced his eyes to the tv, to Jim’s stupid face and tried to ignore that Alex‘s knee was now touching his thigh.<br/>This was going to be a long fucking day. </p>
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  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Heh so that was that<br/>Sorry this chapter was a bit late I usually post them around 2am my time and I was just too tired to edit and everything last night <br/>But yeah it’s here now and I hope u like it :)))<br/>Hope u have a wonderful week and I’ll see u next chapter aha <br/>As always, comments, kudos and just you reading is greatly greatly appreciated &lt;33 <br/>-willow xoxo</p>
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<a name="section0008"><h2>8. John most definitely does not save the day</h2></a>
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    <p>“Oh, uh, I forgot to tell you, you were meant to text Peggy when you woke up,” Thomas said.<br/>“Okie dokie. Thanks. Umm, where’s-?“<br/>“Here,” Thomas stood up and disappeared into his bedroom for a second before emerging again with Alex’s phone.<br/>“Ah. Thank you.”<br/>“No problem.” Thomas settled back down and Alex’s knees were now atop his legs. Thomas really tried not to dwell on it. He whipped his phone out for something to do while Alex was on his. </p>
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    <p><b>Peggy :)) </b>to<b> Major Tom</b>: Had a great time, u should come out with us more often :D (this is peggy btw)</p>
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    <p>That was at 2:11am. </p>
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    <p><b>Eliza Darling </b>to<b> Major Tom</b>: Beware the Alex. He’s a cuddler. </p>
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    <p>2:56am. </p>
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    <p><b>Unknown </b>to<b> Major Tom</b>: Hey it’s Laurens, Laf gave me ur number, just wanna make sure Alex is safe </p>
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    <p>8:31 am. </p>
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    <p>Thomas glared at the message from fucking Laurens.<br/>Of fucking course Alex was safe. Thomas would always keep Alex safe, fuck Laurens for thinking otherwise.<br/>Who was the one that didn’t drink despite wanting to get fucking shit faced so they could take Alex home? Was it Laurens? Um, no, I think the fuck not. That would be Thomas.<br/>Fuck Laurens. Fuck Laurens to hell and back, that fucking speckled asshole. </p>
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    <p>Alex settled against Thomas’ side and Thomas had to give everything he had to not tense up immediately.<br/>Oh fuck oh fuck oh fuck-<br/>Alex seemed completely unperturbed.<br/>Okay. Alright, fine. They were friends, friends did this, this was okay. (Noitwasnt)</p>
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    <p><b>Major Tom </b>to<b> Peggy :))</b>: Hey Peggy, I had a fun time too lol<br/><b>Major Tom </b>to<b> Peggy :))</b>: I’d love to hang again but idk how Alex would feel about that :/</p>
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    <p>Thomas got an almost instantaneous response. </p>
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    <p><b>Peggy :)) </b>to<b> Major Tom</b>: Bitch please he’d love u to come along. He wouldn’t shut up about you before you appeared anyway<br/><b>Peggy :)) </b>to<b> Major Tom</b>: Believe me, he’d be more than fine w/ it :p<br/><b>Major Tom </b>to<b> Peggy :))</b>: Well thats... a surprise? Lmao awesome :))))</p>
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    <p>He grinned at his phone.<br/>So Alex talked to his friends about him? That was the best thing ever. </p>
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    <p><b>Peggy :)) </b>to<b> Major Tom</b>: Did u manage to get him home safe?</p>
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  <div>
    <p>See it was fine coming from Peggy. Thomas liked Peggy. Fuck Laurens. </p>
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    <p><b>Major Tom </b>to<b> Peggy :))</b>: He forgot his address and told me to just drop him at some subway and obviously I wouldn’t even think of it so I brought him back to my place instead. He got the bed, I crashed on the couch<br/><b>Peggy :)) </b>to<b> Major Tom</b>: Oooooooh!!!! I wish I could’ve seen his face when he woke up omggg </p>
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  <div>
    <p>Could he confide in Peggy? She seemed a trustworthy gal. </p>
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    <p><b>Major Tom </b>to<b> Peggy :))</b>: It was probably the cutest thing I’ve seen in my entire life. He waddled out looking all dazed and when he saw me his face just- it was the best lmao<br/><b>Peggy :)) </b>to<b> Major Tom</b>: Holy shit you- You like him?!?!?!<br/><b>Major Tom </b>to<b> Peggy :))</b>: It’s not a big dealll </p>
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  <div>
    <p>It definitely felt like a big deal. </p>
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    <p><b>Peggy :)) </b>to<b> Major Tom</b>: Omg u have to tell him I- this is the cutest omg-<br/><b>Major Tom </b>to<b> Peggy :))</b>: I most definitely cannot tell him<br/><b>Major Tom </b>to<b> Peggy :))</b>: I will not discus the matter further as of now<br/><b>Peggy :)) </b>to<b> Major Tom</b>: Holy fucking shittttttttttt</p>
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  <div>
    <p>“What’s gotten you all smiley?” Alex asked with a matching grin, nudging Thomas.<br/>“Just texting a friend.”<br/>“Hm.” Alex smiled. </p>
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    <p><b>The Mighty Lafayette </b>to<b> Alex the Lion</b>: Hate to say I told you so ;3 xx</p>
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  <div>
    <p>7:45pm </p>
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  <div>
    <p><b>Temptress </b>to<b> Alex the Lion</b>: Ur right he’s fucking hot as shit<br/><b>Temptress </b>to<b> Alex the Lion</b>: Pity he’s yours<br/><b>Temptress </b>to<b> Alex the Lion</b>: And I’m Eliza’s<br/><b>Temptress </b>to<b> Alex the Lion</b>: Smh </p>
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  <div>
    <p>8:01pm </p>
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  <div>
    <p> </p>
    <p></p>
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      <p><b>HERCULES MULLIGAN!! </b>to<b> Alex the Lion</b>: Just fuckin kiss the dude already<br/><b>HERCULES MULLIGAN!! </b>to<b> Alex the Lion</b>: Anyone with eyes can see u want to <b>HERCULES MULLIGAN!! </b>to<b> Alex the Lion</b>: Laf agrees </p>
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    <div>
      <p>8:26pm </p>
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    <p><b>Peg Leg </b>to<b> Alex the Lion</b>: Omg it’s as if there’s no one else at the table with u two<br/><b>Peg Leg </b>to<b> Alex the Lion</b>: You and ur heart eyes this is like something from a movie<br/><b>Peg Leg </b>to<b> Alex the Lion</b>: Ur so cute oh my god can u not see the way he’s staring at u<br/><b>Peg Leg </b>to<b> Alex the Lion</b>: Just tell him<br/><b>Peg Leg </b>to<b> Alex the Lion</b>: It’s obvious he feels the same<br/><b>Peg Leg </b>to<b> Alex the Lion</b>: Fucking hell you two are lost to anyone else </p>
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  <div>
    <p>8:58pm</p>
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  <div>
    <p> </p>
    <p></p>
    <div>
      <p><b>Betsy </b>to<b> Alex the Lion</b>: Have fun w/ my new bestie Thomasssss<br/><b>Betsy </b>to<b> Alex the Lion</b>: Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do ;)))) </p>
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    <div>
      <p>1:52am </p>
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    <p><b>King John </b>to<b> Alex the Lion</b>: Hey babyy u home safe?</p>
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    <p> </p>
    <p></p>
    <div>
      <p>4:14am </p>
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    <p>Alex rolled his eyes fondly, trying to ignore how his heart had sped up from Peggy's messages. </p>
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    <p><b>Alex the Lion </b>to<b> Jeffy</b>: ur pretty<br/><b>Jeffy </b>to<b> Alex the Lion</b>: So are you<br/><b>Jeffy </b>to<b> Alex the Lion</b>: Now go to sleep<br/><b>Alex the Lion </b>to<b> Jeffy</b>: im cold :((<br/><b>Alex the Lion </b>to<b> Jeffy</b>: come warm me up??<br/><b>Jeffy </b>to<b> Alex the Lion</b>: You’re drunk Hamilton and when you see these tomorrow you’re gonna wanna strangle me and then urself<br/><b>Jeffy </b>to<b> Alex the Lion</b>: Theres a blanket at the bottom of the bed and I can turn the heating up if u want<br/><b>Jeffy </b>to<b> Alex the Lion</b>: Now sleep<br/><b>Alex the Lion </b>to<b> Jeffy</b>: spoil sport </p>
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  <div>
    <p>3:17am</p>
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    <p>Alex furrowed his eyebrows.<br/>“Who the fuck is Jeffy?” Alex asked, showing Thomas the messages. “Someone I picked up at the bar?”<br/>Thomas laughed. “Sort of. That would be me.”<br/>Alex’s face turned scarlet.<br/>“I-“<br/>“Don’t even worry about it. You were drunk, I didn’t take anything you said to heart. And you said quite a bit,” Thomas said.<br/>“Oh my god.” Alex groaned. Thomas just laughed at him as Alex shrank further into Thomas’ sweater and consequently into Thomas’ shoulder.</p>
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    <p>Thomas just rolled his eyes with a smile and looked down at his phone as he got another message. </p>
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    <p><b>Eliza Darling </b>to<b> Major Tom</b>: I’m keeping James<br/><b>Major Tom </b>to<b> Eliza Darling</b>: Good<br/><b>Major Tom </b>to<b> Eliza Darling</b>: I don’t want him back<br/><b>Eliza Darling </b>to<b> Major Tom</b>: Nonsense! Him and I are talking about your and Alex’s little situation and I can safely say you’re both as stupid as each other :) </p>
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    <p>Thomas ignored her. He absolutely couldn’t give himself any more false hope that maybe, just maybe Alex liked him too.<br/>Now for who he did <em>not</em> want to talk to. Fucking fucking Laurens. </p>
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  <div>
    <p><b>Major Tom </b>to<b> Fucking Laurens</b>: Hey yeah he’s fine. He stayed over at mine, we're just watching Tv. I think he’s saying here for a bit.</p>
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    <p>The bit of himself that Thomas hated was so insanely pleased that <em>he</em> had Alex. Not anyone else. </p>
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    <p><b>Fucking Laurens </b>to<b> Major Tom</b>: I can come pick him up later?<br/><b>Major Tom </b>to<b> Fucking Laurens</b>: I can take him home, it’s no problem </p>
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  <div>
    <p>Thomas was fucking loving this. </p>
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    <p><b>Fucking Laurens </b>to<b> Major Tom</b>: Okay I guess. Tell him to text me will you?<br/><b>Major Tom </b>to<b> Fucking Laurens</b>: Sure. </p>
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  <div>
    <p>Fuck Laurens. Fuck Laurens cause Alex liked him better.<br/>Thomas knew he was being stupid and pathetic but he couldn’t help it. He was ridiculously jealous of Laurens and Alex’s relationship and Laurens seemed pretty damn pleased that he’d gotten Alex first.<br/>Fucking smug bastard. Thomas would love to smack the fucking stupid shitty freckles off of his fucking face.  </p>
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  <div>
    <p>“Uh, Laurens wants you to text him.” Thomas said, trying to act like he <em>didn’t</em> hate Alex’s best friend.<br/>“Oh! Nice, okay,” Alex grinned, grabbing his phone again. Thomas really did try and not let this ruin his mood.<br/>He peered over Alex’s head, not even attempting to be sneaky about it.<br/>“Nosy,” Alex muttered but didn’t move his phone away.</p>
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  <div>
    <p><b>Alex the Lion </b>to<b> King John</b>: hey babe what’s up &lt;3<br/><b>King John </b>to<b> Alex the Lion</b>: Morning babyy<br/><b>King John </b>to<b> Alex the Lion</b>: Jefferson the fucktard just texted me, said u were over at his?</p>
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  <div>
    <p> </p>
    <p></p>
    <div>
      <p>He glanced back up at Thomas with a grin. </p>
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    <div>
      <p>Thomas huffed and rolled his eyes, settling his chin on the top of Alex’s head. Alex snickered at Thomas’ poorly concealed little growl.<br/>“He’s <em>kidding</em>. Calm down, you.” </p>
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  </div>
  <div>
    <p><b>Alex the Lion </b>to<b> King John</b>: yeah<br/><b>Alex the Lion </b>to<b> King John</b>: that cool?</p>
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  <div>
    <p>Why the fuck should Alex be asking fucking Laurens if it was okay?<br/>Fuck. Laurens. </p>
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  <div>
    <p><b>King John to Alex the Lion</b>: I cant exactly say no can I<br/><b>King John to Alex the Lion</b>: He didn’t do anything to u did he? You’re okay? If not I’m coming to get u right the fuck now I swear, hangover or not </p>
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    <p>Thomas fucking <em>hated</em> Laurens. As <em>if</em> he’d ever, <em>ever</em>do anything to hurt Alex what the fuck-<br/>“I don’t know what he’s implying-“ Thomas began angrily.<br/>“He’s just worried about me. It’s nothing personal I promise,” Alex said quietly, gently. He began trailing his fingers ever so lightly over Thomas’s knuckles in an attempt to soothe him.<br/>Thomas exhaled heavily but didn’t say anything else. </p>
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  <div>
    <p><b>Alex the Lion </b>to<b> King John</b>: hes not like that. i already told you, he wouldn’t do something like that. im totally fine, everything’s good we’re having a nice time<br/><b>Alex the Lion </b>to<b> King John</b>: hes fed and watered me and given me his sweater and everything. very hospitable. nice guy, nice apartment, 10/10 from me :))<br/><b>King John </b>to<b> Alex the Lion</b>: Well I’m glad you’re happy but text me when things go wrong </p>
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  <div>
    <p>“Fucking Laurens.” Thomas grumbled. Alex leaned back into Thomas’ chest further, almost nuzzling him.<br/>“He’s only looking after me.”<br/>“I’m looking after you too.”<br/>“I know.”<br/>Thomas sighed. </p>
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  <div>
    <p><b>Alex the Lion </b>to<b> King John</b>: things wont go wrong<br/><b>King John </b>to<b> Alex the Lion</b>: Look, Alex, I’m not trying to be mean here but even if the two of you are all lovey dovey at the moment it doesn’t change the fact that you’re Hamilton and he’s Jefferson. I don’t know how you could have possibly forgotten in the space of like two days but you two hate each other and I just think there’s something a little off with the two of you having sleepovers being besties all of a sudden. I’m not trying to ruin your fun Alexander and if u wanna fuck him that’s none of my business but I just wanna keep u safe and remind u that you’re gonna end up getting hurt. You know I’m gonna be there to pick up the pieces but I don’t wanna have to be. So just be careful okay? And don’t kid yourself into thinking that things won’t go wrong Alexander cause we both know that he couldn’t have changed this drastically in a day. </p>
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  <div>
    <p>Alex gaped at his phone screen. He tried to grab at Thomas’ hand but he’d already stood up and stalked off to the kitchen.<br/>“Thomas-“<br/>“Don’t.”<br/>Alex shut his mouth and sighed, getting up and hovering in the entrance to the kitchen, Thomas’ sweater coming down almost to his knees.<br/>“Thomas...” Alexander tried again.<br/>“What, Hamilton? What? He’s just looking after you?” Thomas snarled.<br/>Alexander blinked at this show of emotion, thrown off guard.<br/>“<em>I’m</em> looking after you, Alexander.” <br/>Alex took a step back as Thomas rounded on him, both breathing heavily, shakily.<br/>“I know you are, Thomas.” It only then registered in Thomas’ head that Alex was calling him Thomas again. But it meant something this time, his being sober made it count.</p>
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  <div>
    <p>Thomas stared at him for a long time, searching.<br/>“He’s right.”<br/>“<em>No</em>, Thomas he’s <em>not</em>.” Alexander insisted.<br/>Thomas looked at him, eyes dark and watery, fists clenched and jaw set. Alex should’ve been scared, logically. Thomas could very easily give him some serious damage but Alex knew he wouldn’t. He <em>wouldn’t</em>. </p>
    <p>Alex didn’t know how to make this better. He knew he wanted to, he needed to, even, he couldn’t let go of Thomas now. Today had sealed in the fact that he could never get over Thomas and Alex just had to accept that and try and get Thomas to accept it too.<br/>He looked up at Thomas determinedly, his eyes baring into Thomas’.<br/>“We’re going.” He said finally.<br/>Thomas pulled back slightly.<br/>“What?”<br/>“Me and you, we’re going to your house. Monticello. <em>Now</em>. You’re going to pack a bag, you’re going to take me home and I’ll go the same, then I’ll tell Washington we’re taking Monday off and we’re going to spend the weekend in Virginia wether you want to or not.” He said.<br/>Thomas blinked at him.<br/>“Alexander we cant just-”<br/>“Yes we can, and we will. Come on,” Alex said, intent on making something good come of this.</p>
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  <div>
    <p>It stared tiny, a flicker of something akin to hope in Thomas’ eyes, the slightest twitch in the corner of his mouth but soon enough he was all out beaming.<br/>“You’re an idiot.”<br/>“And so are you!” Alex grinned. “That’s why we're going to have so much fun together!”<br/>Thomas just stared at him, head titled to the side.<br/>“I can’t believe we’re doing this.”<br/>“So we’re doing this?!” Alex seemed so genuinely excited that Thomas couldn’t help but force his mood to improve.<br/>”Yeah. Yeah, looks like we’re doing this.” He smiled softly.<br/>His eyes flicked back to the couch, to Alex’s  phone. Alex followed his eyes over too. He sighed, coming over to Thomas and putting a hand hesitantly on his cheek.<br/>“Forget about it. He’s wrong and we’re gonna forget about it. Okay?”<br/>Thomas laughed. “Okay.”<br/>“Brilliant. Now! Off to Virginia!”</p>
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  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Hiiii so this one was kinda short but like two in a day soooo :))))<br/>Every time I get a notification for a comment or something my day gets a little better so ty for that little seratonin boost haha it gives me the motivation I need to write another chapter &lt;3<br/>Anyway I hope you enjoyed, tell me if you did!<br/>Love you!<br/>-Willow xxx</p>
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<a name="section0009"><h2>9. Road Trip, Road Trip</h2></a>
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  <p>“I am so fucking excited!” Alex squealed as he flitted around his (much smaller, much messier) apartment throwing bits into his backpack. So far he had his phone charger, a camera, sunscreen, a floppy lion teddy, his toothbrush, deodorant, a pair of jeans, a pair of shorts, a load of underwear, his glasses, four of Thomas’ shirts and two more of his sweaters as well as the one he was wearing. (“<em>What</em>? Yours are comfier than mine,” Alex had said defensively.)<br/>“Right. Let’s go!” He said with the biggest grin as he pulled his beaten up yellow converse on. He was currently wearing none of his own clothes. Thomas’ stupid old abstract shirt, Thomas’ William and Mary college sweater and Thomas’ Nike sweatpants.<br/>He absolutely fucking loved it.<br/>“Are you sure you wanna spend the whole weekend with me? You won’t end up tearing your hair out? Or, god forbid, mine?”<br/>Alex laughed. “It’s gonna be great, don’t worry. Of course I wanna.”<br/>“What if... what if something... <em>goes wrong</em>?” </p>
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  <p>Alex shook his head and tried to not let his smile waver. He wished Thomas could understand how he felt without Alex having to tell him.<br/>“It’s not gonna.”<br/>“Alexander I’m serious.”<br/>Alex sighed. “I know you are. Look, even if we end up arguing about something that actually matters, we’re adults-“<br/>“<em>One</em> of us is.“ Thomas muttered, a smile making its way back to him. Alex shot him a look.<br/>“-we’ll figure it out.”<br/>Thomas looked at him for a while. Just looking, for no apparent reason.<br/>Thomas continued to stare for an unspecific amount of time, at how Alex’s eyes were closer to gold than brown, at how despite his hair being in that absolutely despicable attempt at a bun it still looked good, about how fucking cute he looked all buried in Thomas’ clothes.<br/>Thomas couldn’t shake the feeling that they were a tiny family. He really felt as though he’d been with Alex, going on spontaneous little trips south for the weekend, for years and years. And a mere few days ago he had never even seen Alex outside of work, he couldn’t have possibly thought of anything like this ever happening, yet now he couldn’t imagine not having Alexander as a prominent part of his personal life as well as his work one.<br/>Fuck he really had fallen so fast and hard he didn’t think he’d be able to recover.</p>
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  <p>They stepped outside the door and Alex locked up, movements quick and ready for hazardousness.<br/>“You ready?” Thomas asked.<br/>Alexander gave the brightest smile he had ever smiled and nodded.<br/>“Let’s go.” He whispered, taking ahold of Thomas’ hand. </p>
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  <p>They ran clumsily for the stairs, jumping down steps, taking numerous at a time, just being ridiculously unsafe in their excitement yet taking stupid measures to stay connected at the hands, making inconsiderate amounts of noise and really not caring. Because they were together and they knew this was a turning point. Never again would there be the animosity there once was, the venom in their words. They had left that part of them behind when Alex had grabbed Thomas’ hand and pulled him along on an adventure. </p>
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  <p>They skidded out of Alex’s building and into the street, laughing too loud and clutching at each other, probably looking entirely indecent but rather pleased about it.<br/>Thomas ran around to the other side of the car and it gave Alex a second to appreciate how fucking adorable Thomas was being, all giddy and so uncharacteristically carefree. Alex tried not to think about what his Thomas <em>could</em> be doing right now.<br/>On his own in that apartment way too big for just him. But Alex shooed the thought from his head when he heard the click signifying the car was unlocked and flung himself into the passenger seat.<br/>“I am so happy you forced me to do this,” Thomas said and Alex couldn’t say why the little crinkles in the corner of Thomas’ eyes made his stomach do kick flips or why the lack of tension in his shoulders warmed him up. Thomas was always so controlled, measured and calculated, cold even.<br/>Not now, Alex noted. Not now.<br/>“I’m so happy I forced you to do this too. Now, away we go!” Alex said, seizing Thomas’ hand again, clinging to him.<br/>Thomas grinned over at him and fucking floored the accelerator. Thomas had never in his entire life been reckless but Alex just brought it out in him. It was almost like a schoolboy thing, the need to show off and prove his bravery or whatever. But if Alex’s whoop of joy was anything to go by, he was enjoying himself. And that was all Thomas wanted. </p>
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  <p>An hour and a half into their journey and they were singing along to Thomas’ Spotify on shuffle, Alex alternating between looking out of the window and at Thomas with awe written plainly on his face. And it was so easy for Thomas to pretend that this was what he wanted it to be.<br/>Alexander didn’t help.<br/>He released Thomas’ hand for a moment before he touched each one of Thomas’ fingertips, his knuckles, his pulse point. Thomas raised his hand so his forearm was upright, elbow on the rest between the seats. Alex took this as an invitation and threaded their fingers together with a smile, Thomas’ arm flopping down again. Alex settled right into the seat, blatantly ignoring the outside world now, just stating at Thomas.<br/>Thomas glanced over and caught Alexander’s eyes. He was looking at Thomas with this sad sort of curiosity that made something ache in Thomas. Alexander always had that tiny bit of sadness behind his eyes when he looked at Thomas.<br/>Alex was trying to commit Thomas to memory. This Thomas, this sweet, adorable, causal one. His beautiful eyes, his gorgeous skin, his jawline was just a work of art and Alexander supposed he had good reason to love his hair as much as he did. Thomas was honestly the most beautiful person Alexander had ever seen. He never wanted to stop looking but the car was slowing down and they were pulling into a little roadside shop so Alex felt the need to asses their surroundings.<br/>“You go get snacks, I’ll get gas?” Thomas asked.<br/>“Awesome.” Alex grinned and ran into the little shop excitedly. Thomas shook his head fondly.<br/>Alex went darting around the shop grabbing drinks, candies, chocolate, chips, even some assorted nuts. Everything anyone might want. He was trying (and failing) to fit everything in his arms when Thomas walked in and Jesus, didn’t he just look a picture. Give alex five seconds away from the guy and he forgets how stunning he really was. <em>Jesus</em>.<br/>How the hell was he meant to survive with Thomas the absolute god just wandering around? He’d seriously overestimated himself there.<br/>“Here, come on, let me help you.” Thomas scooped all of their stuff up with what looked like zero effort and Alex wasn’t really one to care about that sort of thing but the fact that Thomas was so <em>strong</em> made him swoon.<br/>They made their way up to the counter, Alex leaning against Thomas, staring up at him with a dopey grin on his face. Thomas glanced down at him and took on a smirk of his own. </p>
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  <p>Then Alexander froze as tragedy struck.<br/>“I don’t have any money,” he whispered. What sort of fucking idiot forgets-<br/>“I’m paying,” Thomas said simply.<br/>“I can’t let you drive me around and pay for everything and let me stay in your house it’s not fair-“<br/>“Of course it is. Cmon, I want to. Please?”<br/>Alex looked doubtfully up at Thomas.<br/>“Well, if you’re sure...”<br/>“I am.” Thomas pulled a card out of his wallet (very very sexy manoeuvre indeed, definitely did things for Alex) and paid for all of their shit and carried all their shit back to the car.</p>
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  <p>“Such a gentleman,” Alex sighed dreamily, grinning over at Thomas.<br/>“Of course. Mister Hamilton?” He opened the door for Alex and dipped with a bow. Alex shook his head and despite the jokey sarcasm of the situation Alex still got butterflies. </p>
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  <p>“You want some?” Alex asked, shaking his Doritos over at Thomas.<br/>“Driving,” he said.<br/>“Here, open up,” Alex grabbed some chips.<br/>Thomas laughed but opened his mouth. Alexander popped five Doritos in.<br/>“Jesus Hamilton-“ except it sounded more like <em>thesus hamithon</em> though the excessive chips in his mouth.</p>
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  <p>Alex laughed, kicking his little legs about. Thomas side eyed him with a smile as he tried to swallow his chips.<br/>“Give me some coke will you?”<br/>Alex grabbed the bottle of Diet Coke from the back seat and lifted it up to Thomas’ lips.<br/>Thomas began waving his hand around frantically when Alex didn’t take the bottle away.<br/>“Hey- careful!” Thomas spluttered when Alex finally withdrew the bottle.<br/>“...Sorry..?” Alex grinned guilty at the stain of Coke now a prominent feature of what Alex assumed was one of Thomas’ only normal shirts. Thomas gave a halfhearted glare over at Alex.<br/>“Take the wheel,” Thomas instructed.<br/>“<em>What</em>?”<br/>“You heard me,” Thomas took his hands away from the wheel to tug at the bottom of his shirt.<br/>“Jesus- fucking hell Jefferson you idiot! You’re gonna kill us you fucking prick!” Alex darted to grab the wheel. He kept them going relatively straight until Thomas hands were back and-<br/><em>Oh</em>.<br/>Oh, my. Well, wasn’t that just a sight and a half.<br/>Uhhhhh...</p>
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  <p>“You’re-“ Wow, okay, coherent speech was harder than coherent thought. Jesus. “You’re an idiot.” Alex barely croaked out.<br/>Thomas snorted. “Your fault. You spilt it on me. You better not have got any on Jareth. I’ll kill you.”<br/>“I wouldn’t spill anything on Jareth. I love him too much.” Alex patted the dashboard fondly, fixing his eyes to some random point on the horizon in an attempt to stop his blush getting brighter. The temptation to run his fingers over every dip in Thomas’ truly statuesque body was very strong.<br/>He tried not to think about himself in comparison. It would definitely be cruel to compare anyone to Thomas. Even like Zeus or something. Fucking <em>hell</em>.<br/>“Rude.” Thomas muttered.<br/>“You’re definitely real aren’t you?” Alex asked.<br/>“Sorry?” Thomas looked over at Alex, still staring at the horizon.<br/>“Just checking you aren’t a figment of my imagination. Is this all a dream? Who knows.” Alex was just mumbling nonsense now.<br/>Thomas reached out and pinched Alex’s cheek.<br/>“Hey!”<br/>“Not a dream.”<br/>“I-“ Alex protested indignantly. “Leave me alone, you monster.” Alex grumbled. Thomas only laughed.<br/>“Baby.” Thomas teased. Alex definitely felt his cheeks burn more at that. Fucking hell. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with... R.” Alex said. He’d kicked his shoes off an hour ago when they pulled over so Thomas could get another shirt and he’d cranked his chair back a bit, all curled up in a ball on his seat except for his left hand, firmly gripping Thomas’ right one.<br/>“Umm... rain.”<br/>“It’s not even raining,” Alex laughed.<br/>“Fine. Uh... ray bans?”<br/>“What the fuck- ray bans? <em>What</em>?”<br/>“Oh, I thought you saw,” Thomas just casually pulled a pair of like 200 dollar sunglasses out from the little compartment thing in the door like it was no big deal.<br/>“<em>What the fuck</em>,” Alex’s mouth dropped open. “You are <em>sickeningly</em> rich, holy fuck. It was radio, you fucking-“ Alex just shook his head disbelievingly as Thomas popped the glasses atop his head.<br/>“My go,” he grinned. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Hm... I’m definitely fucking Steve Harvey, I <em>know</em> that man is packing,” Alex mused.<br/>“Ewww, <em>no</em>,”<br/>“I’m marrying Meryl Streep cause she’s fucking fabulous,” He continued, ignoring Thomas. “And I’m killing Snape. Cause fuck that guy.”<br/>“Oh god,”<br/>“Alright now you. Umm, Aaron Burr, Loki from Thor and Mr Clean.“<br/>“Whatever happens I’m marrying Loki. Um, fuck. I’m stuck here cause Mr Clean scares the shit out of me but I do <em>not</em> wanna fuck Burr. Ugh.” Thomas groaned. “I guess I’m... killing Mr Clean.” Alex burst out laughing.<br/>“Golden. Absolutely golden, Mr Jefferson. I wish you luck for you encounter with Aaron cause I just know he’d be awkward as fuck.”<br/>Alex had to give the guy props, he was being remarkably chill about this whole thing despite being a straightie. Alex was wrong with his first assumption, Thomas definitely wasn’t homophobic. He seemed totally cool with Alex being a bisexual disaster, so Alex would give him that.<br/>“Okay, payback time. Washington, Charles Lee and... Hercules.” Thomas glanced over at him as if he’d asked the hardest question ever.<br/>“Thomas that is not payback. That is the easiest one yet. I’m fucking killing Lee, the prick, I’m fucking Washington and I’m marrying Herc. He’d make a fine husband.” Thomas wrinkled his nose.<br/>“Isn’t Washington like your dad?”<br/>Alex shrugged. “Call me daddy,” he said.<br/>Thomas looked <em>mortified</em> for a second before they both burst into a fit of giggles.<br/>“Oh my fucking <em>god</em> there is something up with you,” Thomas wheezed. Alex grinned over at him.<br/>“You home wrecker,” Thomas said as they settled down.<br/>“Hm?”<br/>“Marrying a taken man. Appalling behaviour, Alexander.”<br/>“I’d ask Lafayette’s permission first, of course.”<br/>“We could do a wife swap. Hercules gets you and I get Laf for a week.” Alex laughed for a second before the implication caught up with him.<br/>“Hold on!” He cried. “I’m not your wife!” He purposely kept his tone light.<br/>“Just something James said to me last night. I think it’s stuck with me,” Thomas said airily, pretending he wasn't burning up. What a fucking moron he was acting.<br/>“So what’s the deal with your friendship group then, does everyone just fuck each other?” Thomas asked.<br/>Alex rolled his eyes. “<em>No</em>. Ang, Eliza and Peggy are sisters for a start.”<br/>“Who’s Ang?”<br/>“So you probably guessed that Eliza is the mom of the group and Peggy's the wine aunt, well Angelica is like the wise intimidating Grandma. I can’t decide if the two of you would be best friends or hate each other.”<br/>“She sounds a hoot.”<br/>“Hm. Yeah well Eliza and Maria are married, Hercules and Laf have been together since I met them, John and I had a thing in college and then there’s Peggy and Angelica.”<br/>“A thing?”<br/>“Yeah. We dated, Thomas, if I need to spell it out for you. I was nineteen, he was twenty. It’s actually through him that I met Laf and Hercules, they were twenty, twenty one. Then John used to get high with Peggy and she’s the youngest with me so we sorta bonded over that, then Eliza came along and she met Maria through Laf and then Ang appeared. So I guess the only reason I have friends is cause nineteen year old me got the hots for John,” he laughed.</p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Huh,” Thomas tried very hard not to sound bitter. “So Eliza and Maria, they’re married?”<br/>“Mhm. I was the flower boy,” Alex grinned.<br/>“Bet you looked a picture.<br/>“I looked awful, but it was fun and I’m not really bothered about it anyway. Here hold on, I’ll show you.” He pulled out his phone and went scrolling through his photos until he found one from two years ago, a selfie of the whole crew somewhere outside, the sun just starting to set behind them. “They got married in Italy, all dramatic. Eliza’s dad is loaded so they went all out.” Alex said, showing Thomas the photo.<br/>“Look at you! Look at your short hair and your little baby face oh my-“<br/>“Yes alright,” Alex fake huffed. Thomas smiled and Alex couldn’t help but copy.<br/>He looked down at the photo and remembered what a fun day that had been. There he was in his stupid little flower boy outfit, kneeled in the front next to Peggy in her yellow bridesmaid dress and leaning into John. Eliza and Maria were stood behind them in their beautiful dresses, Angelicas arm around Eliza’s middle, Lafayette’s arm around Maria, Hercules throwing Alex’s left over flowers all over in the background. Everyone was beaming, the happiest picture anyone had ever taken. Alex scrolled to the next one, and the next and the next, watching everyone’s expressions change slightly, laughing and kissing each other, Hercules slowly creeping forward, step by step each photo until he was pushed in front of everyone, the ultimate photo bomb.<br/>Alex grinned.<br/>“Good day?”</p>
</div><div>
  <p>“The best day. Everyone proposed to someone else afterwards, cause we all wanted another day like this. John and Ang proposed to me, I proposed to Peggy, Herc and Laf...” he trailed off with a sigh and a smile. “It was amazing.” He clutched his phone to his chest, looking over at Thomas. “They seem so sorted out. They’ve both got steady jobs, they’ve got a house, they’re married and they’re not even 25 yet. It’s insane how settled they are and I just feel all over the place y’know?”<br/>“You’re fine. You’re basically still a child, you’ve got nothing to worry about, I promise.”<br/>“Hm.” Alex sank into Thomas’ sweater. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>They settled into a comfortable silence, Alex staring at his and Thomas’ interconnected hands.<br/>“Fuck, marry, kill: Gordon Ramsay, Benedict Cumberbatch, Donald Duck.” </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“You’ve literally never been more wrong about anything in your entire life.”<br/>“I refuse to listen to this idiocy a moment longer.”<br/>“Well Jefferson, you’re gonna <em>have</em> to listen. You. Are. Wrong.” Alex said in a huff, snatching his hand out of Thomas’ and folding his arms with a pout.<br/>“No I’m not, in what fucking world is the grinch better than home alone?”<br/>“In every world! Jesus, Thomas this is stupidity. Just foolishness.”<br/>“You’ve got to be <em>pulling my leg</em> here,” Thomas said.<br/>“Absolutely I am not. Look, the grinch is a classic. It rhymes, it’s pretty and everything’s all weird. It’s also relatable see, the main character is an ugly little social outcast who doesn’t like the morons he shares a city with and his heart is also small or whatever. See this is something people can relate to. What the fuck kinda people are gonna watch home alone and think: awe wonderful family Christmas time, this kid is neglected by his family, how sweet, oh and he’s trying to mutilate these men, isn't that lovely, and look here! The cherry on the cake! These men are trying to murder this child! Haha wonderful jolly Christmas feels! <em>No</em>, Thomas! No.”</p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Get out of my car, Hamilton.”</p>
</div><div>
  <p>Around an hour later and- “Oh, John just texted me. Here we go, look,” Alex squinted at his screen. “Can’t fucking see-“ Alex grumbled, digging  around in his bag for his glasses. “Here we go,” he put them on.<br/>“Didn’t know you wear glasses.”<br/>Alex threw him a look. “I don’t if I can help it. But I forgot my contacts and I’ve been trying to manage but I can’t fucking see so I’ll have to just look ridiculous.” Alex huffed.<br/>“You don’t look ridiculous, you look <em>extremely</em> cute,” Thomas said truthfully. Alex rolled his eyes.<br/>“<em>Sure</em> I do. Here look, it’s John he says that he’s sorry for being a dick earlier, he was just hungover and trying to look out for me,” Alex read. “Umm, then he asks if I wanna go over and have Netflix and pizza later.” Alex didn’t miss the way Thomas’ hands tightened on the wheel.<br/>“Sorry, I’m going on an adventure with Thomas. See you Tuesday? Smiley face, kiss kiss.” He said aloud as he typed. “There we go. Sorted.” Alex smiled up at Thomas and Thomas couldn’t possibly stay mad. “Oh, I might as well text Washington that we’re taking Monday off,” Alex said, pulling his phone out. “Thomas and I taking Monday off please? Completely different reasons, thanks sir, have a nice weekend, smiley face,” Alex said. “Perfect.” </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“For fucks sake, this is completely ridiculous!” Alex whined.<br/>“I have to agree this is a bit... much.”<br/>“How am I supposed to-“</p>
</div><div>
  <p>Alex opened the window and screamed out of it. He settled back in his chair, took a breath and wound the window back up. Thomas gave him a look but said nothing.<br/>“Have you ever had to convince every single cabinet member to even allow you to talk?”<br/>“No, I have not.”<br/>“No you have not! Because I would never have voted yes and you would never have been able to say anything!” Alex groaned. “I have to win a vote in order to be able to put forward a vote, what has the world come to? This is treachery.”<br/>“I know what’ll calm your nerves,” Thomas said, pulling into the grossest most run down parking lot for the grossest most run down bar in ever. But it’d have to do. </p>
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  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Hiyaaaa idk why there are so many paragraphs all of a sudden??? Idk how to fix it lol so there u have it <br/>I really hoped you liked it! There’ll probably be another chapter out today :)))<br/>Tysm for commenting and giving me kudos and reading it really is the best thing ever!! &lt;33<br/>Have a lovely day, I love you! <br/>-willow xxx</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0010"><h2>10. Even more confessions (but no more realisations)</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Hey so um I really was feeling too tired to edit this chapter so I’m sorry that it’s all laid out a little weird I’ll try and get things back to normal for tomorrow :))</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    
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  <p>“I don’t know what to <em>do</em>,” Alexander groaned, necking back another shot and wincing slightly at the burn. Thomas eyed him warily. </p>
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  <p></p>
  <div>
    <p>“Have you perhaps considered,” Thomas mused in a voice dripping with fake confidence. “sleeping your way to the top?” Alexander’s eyebrows rose but his lips had a new upwards slant. “I’ve heard that Secretary Knox is single and has a thing for tiny little brat boys.” Alexander snickered and twirled his empty shot glass between his fingers. Thomas decided that if there was ever a time to push his luck it was now. “Rumour has it you’re quite the slut,” His voice had dropped a few octaves and he’d leaned forward, watching Alex’s flush bleed below his collar. He so desperately wanted to watch it spread along his chest too. He reluctantly trailed his eyes back up from Alex’s slightly bared neck (which he’d kill to mark up so prettily) to his eyes, his honey eyes darkened to almost black, looking at him from beneath his lashes. Thomas tensed as Alexander leaned forward, pointedly staring at his lips with desire scribbled all over his flushed face, his hair falling loose from his bun and making Alexander look like the epitome of sin. And how Thomas wanted to indulge. Not only did he want to spread Alex’s legs and take and take until Alexander was breathless and shaking and tear stained, but he wanted to hold him close afterwards, stroke his hair and kiss his head and tell him he loved him. Because, fuck, he loved him. </p>
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  <div>
    <p>But then the song in the background changed and the spell was broken as Alex leaned back again, pulling his eyes up to meet Thomas’. He shrugged. </p>
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  <div>
    <p>“I suppose I am.” His voice was quiet and sultry and ever so slightly slurred and Thomas’ blood was drumming in his ears. Fuckkk he was in too deep for this. “But Knox isn’t my type.” Thomas tilted his head in question, trying not to look as hopelessly flustered as he was. “He’s not as powerful as I am. Sleeping with him would serve no purpose.” Thomas hummed in agreement and took a sip of his coke, licking his lips.</p>
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  <div>
    <p>“You talk like you’ve thought about this,” Thomas said. Alex offered a sly grin. </p>
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  <div>
    <p>“Oh, I have.” Thomas had no trouble believing him either. “If I were to sleep with someone for political gain, I’d go for someone in a higher position of power than me. Someone like, say, the Secretary of State for example.” Thomas’ jaw almost dropped to the floor. But he clenched his teeth and only raised his eyebrows in the hope that Alex would continue this line of thought. He just took another drink of coke and hoped against hope Alex wasn’t just fucking with him.</p>
  </div>
  <div>
    <p>“Yeah?”</p>
  </div>
  <div>
    <p>“Oh yeah.” Alexander’s broad smile quickly morphed into a sigh. “There’s this one prick I just can’t seem to stop thinking about. I could sleep with him for political gain, definitely, but I know that’d not be the reason to. Not really.” Something like fear flashed across Alex’s face before he downed another shot and threw a slanted heart stopping grin over at Thomas. Thomas couldn’t bring himself to smile back, too caught up in the sight of Alexander to move, sat frozen with his lips parted as he stared at Alex with such adoration in his eyes. “He’s an arrogant dick with a silver spoon up his ass and his opinions are a load of rubbish but, alas. I find myself inexplicably drawn to him. Just like everyone else is. He’s something magnetic and I hate him for it.” Alex tried to grin but his eyes gave him away. He grabbed at another shot and knocked it back quickly. “Except the bit where I really, really don’t.” His voice was a little hoarse and Thomas couldn’t actually tell if it was the alcohol or emotion. </p>
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  <div>
    <p>“Him?”</p>
  </div>
  <div>
    <p>“Oh, don’t pretend like you didn’t know, Jefferson.” </p>
  </div>
  <div>
    <p>Thomas smiled. </p>
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  <div>
    <p>“Okay then, what about for... personal gain. Just cause you wanted to. Nothing to do with politics.” Alex snorted. </p>
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  <div>
    <p>“Ah, if only,” Alex’s eyes went dreamy for a second. Thomas laughed. </p>
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  <div>
    <p>“Seriously, though. In the office,” Thomas leant back in his chair, giving Alex a pretty damn good view. Alex swallowed and reached out for another shot. There was none left. </p>
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  <div>
    <p>He tore his eyes away from Thomas’ deliberately undone top buttons and met his eyes. He faltered for a moment because it was <em>Thomas</em>. Of course it was. His cheeks were burning and he thought for a worrying moment that he might burst into tears, cause while Jefferson was teasingly flirting Alex’s feelings were so real. Far too real. And christ it hurt. But as he looked back up at Thomas’ easy smile, the way he was gently swilling the coke around in his glass and looking at Alexander so softly, the unyielding pressure behind his eyes subsided. He gave a smile. </p>
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  <div>
    <p>“I don’t know. I mean Laurens is pretty and fun and I love him to bits and I mean he <em>is</em> good and we had a good run together but...” Thomas flared up with something unreadable before he forced himself to ease up, trying to ignore the fact that the two had already dated, slept together. </p>
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  <div>
    <p>“But..?” He pressed softly. Alexander worried his lip between his teeth, looking down at his fingers. It shouldn’t look as endearing as it did but <em>christ</em>. Thomas nudged Alex’s knee with his, gently offering a smile. Alex was hesitant. </p>
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    <p>Thomas watched as Alex’s eyes flitted nervously, never focusing on anything for more than 2 seconds, yet continuously finding Thomas’ eyes. The kid looked almost scared. Definitely apprehensive. </p>
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  <div>
    <p>“Hey, no pressure I was just joking around,” Thomas said, easing closer towards Alex and placing his hand just above his knee. Alex looked down at Thomas’ hand and pulled his eyes back up to Thomas’. </p>
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    <p>Wide and slightly teary. Thomas’ heart stopped and he grabbed Alexander’s hand. </p>
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    <p>“Alexander-“ </p>
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  <div>
    <p>“Don't. Please.” Alex shook his head and fixed a smile onto his face. “Okay well, you go first then I will. Yeah?” Alex was on the edge of crying but Thomas could tell that he wanted to change the subject. Thomas laughed airily, pretending his heart wasn’t breaking at what he was seeing, for Alexander’s sake. </p>
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  <div>
    <p>“Alright... Okay, well there’s this... person.” Alexander looked down before meeting Thomas’ eyes again. Thomas froze up for a second, paralysed under Alex’s sad but beautiful gaze. </p>
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  <div>
    <p>“A person hm? Well you’ll be lucky if I‘m half this specific.” Thomas rolled his eyes but grinned, taking another composing drink of coke. God he wished he could drink. Well, I mean, technically he could, but he had brought Alex out for drinks because Alex deserved drinks and Thomas was going to drive them up to Monticello. Alex could drink what he liked and be able to rely on Thomas as a trustworthy chauffeur. If you asked though, he’d just tell you he didn’t want his Jareth alone downtown if he had to get a taxi. Alright okay back to the task at hand, because this was the perfect situation, he wanted Alex to know how he felt without telling him directly. <em>And</em> Jemmy was always telling him he needed to tell Alexander about his <em>feelings</em>. Okay.</p>
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  <div>
    <p>“Yeah. Well, he’s... he’s just something else.” Thomas looked down at the bar and picked at his coaster. He could feel Alex looking at him but he couldn’t look back. Not if he was gonna admit something. He glanced down at his hand enveloping both of Alex’s and smiled gently. “He’s the closest thing to perfect I can possibly possibly imagine. Even though he’s absolutely insufferable most of the time.” Thomas let out a breathy laugh and Alex felt the air get trapped in his lungs. He couldn’t breathe, he decided, for fear of scaring Thomas into silence. “He’s... God he’s beautiful. He dresses like shit but he’s beautiful. And he always affects everyone he meets in one way or another. Absolutely completely unforgettable. And Jesus, his <em>mind</em>. He’s so smart and I’d kill to know half of what goes on in that little head of his. Sometimes I feel like I know him, even though I know I don’t. I feel like I can read him. And I want to, god knows I want to. He’s everything I never knew I needed and now I that I know how much I want him, he’s always in my head. Uninvited I might add.” Thomas grinned and Alex tried desperately not to let himself cry. <em>You’re drunk</em>, he told himself, <em>you’re drunk and non of these feelings would be here without the alcohol</em>, he insisted. Yeah right, like he was really that drunk off of 5 shots. Alex was just completely unwilling to admit that he loved Thomas when he knew Thomas would never look at him twice like that. So what, Thomas liked someone in the office. Someone that wasn’t Alexander. It was fine, it was cool, fuck, it was tearing Alex to bits and throwing him to the wind, <em>Jesus</em>. Alex shook his head to himself and squeezed at Thomas’ hand, praying that he’d continue. Thomas looked up for a split second and Alex knew that right then he’d seen through a chink in his armour. “Jesus I think... I think I love him.” Thomas breathed. Shit. Alex couldn’t even try and force a smile on his face. Something Alex never wanted in the first place should not be allowed to hurt this fucking bad.</p>
  </div>
  <div>
    <p>There was a pause before Alex leaned forward and down, trying to get Thomas’ (stunning) eyes, currently trained on Alex’s hands, to meet his own.</p>
  </div>
  <div>
    <p>“Him?” His voice was deadly soft and Thomas almost crumbled. </p>
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    <p>“Oh, don’t pretend like you didn’t know, Hamilton.” He muttered, an echo of earlier when the air didn’t feel nearly as thick, finally meeting Alex’s eyes. He found himself unable to read him, this once. </p>
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    <p>“I didn’t, actually.” Alex said. </p>
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    <p>“And here I was thinking you had an ounce of intelligence in you. Jesus christ, Alex you’re so oblivious it <em>hurts</em>.” Thomas said, almost laughing but too quiet and heartbreakingly <em>genuine. </em>Alexander sucked in a breath. Alex. Thomas was calling him Alex. And he thought he loved it when Thomas had started calling him Alexander, my god. He adored the way his name sounded on Thomas’ lips. It was something people would worship, the feeling it gave Alexander. </p>
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    <p>“Alex,” Alexander mumbled. “That’s new.” </p>
  </div>
  <div>
    <p>“Not for me it isn’t.” </p>
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    <p>“No?” Thomas shook his head. </p>
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    <p>“You’ve ruined me, Alex.” He murmured, leaning forward just a fraction, watching as Alex’s hooded eyes darted from his lips to his eyes to his neck to his hands. </p>
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    <p>“I’m sorry, Thomas.” Jesus, Alexander’s voice was like the silk you could kill someone with. </p>
  </div>
  <div>
    <p>“No you’re not.” Closer. Closer closer closer, he needed closer. </p>
  </div>
  <div>
    <p>“No, I’m not. Because I’m ruined too.” Alex whispered, eyes wide and clear and Thomas knew that he wouldn’t be able to blame this on the alcohol in Alexander’s system. Fuck, Thomas couldn’t do this. But he had to. He’d never forgive himself if he didn’t. But god how he knew it’d break him. He was gonna go for it, leaning in a centimetre or two before Alex pulled back. Well, shit. Had Alex figured it out? That he was who Thomas..? Well, who Thomas loved? He’d finally figured out <em>now</em> and was pulling away? Oh fuck, well wasn’t that just the worst thing to ever happen to anyone ever. </p>
  </div>
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    <p>Alex leant back in his chair and grinned. Thomas untensed. Of course Alex hadn’t figured it out. The fucking obvious little shit could never. </p>
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    <p>“He sounds... nice?” Alex hid his gritted teeth in a smile. He didn’t sound nice. He sounded like an asshole. Alex hated him. </p>
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  <div>
    <p>“Well he’s not. He’s an annoying, loud, bothersome prick who can’t keep his mouth shut for anything and never does as I tell him.” Thomas sighed almost dreamily, his eyes far away enough that Alex could safely scowl without Thomas catching on. “But he’s mine.” Thomas’ eyes snapped back to reality after a second. “Well, I mean, no, he’s not. He’s not mine, not... I just... yeah?” Thomas struggled. </p>
  </div>
  <div>
    <p>“Hey well if you like him, just ask him out? I’m sure you’d much rather be here with him than me.” Thomas gave a longing look that set Alex’s heart on fire and Alex didn’t know what any of this meant. “Sat here gossiping with me like a pair of middle aged women.” Alex attempted a lighthearted laugh. He couldn’t really say how well he performed it. </p>
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  <div>
    <p>“Alex, I <em>am</em> middle aged.” Alexander scoffed. </p>
  </div>
  <div>
    <p>“No you’re not, you idiot. In what world is 27 middle aged? It makes you sound far less attractive when you speak like that, Mr Secretary.” Alex said, crossing his arms, trying (and failing) to be stern. Thomas snorted. “Honestly though, Thomas, if you like the guy, hell you... you <em>love</em> him,” Alex forced out, fixing a smile onto his face. “Go get him. What are you waiting for?” Thomas just shook his head.</p>
  </div>
  <div>
    <p>“Alex, he... he hates me. He says he doesn’t but he... he does. He’ll remember that he does when I’m not allowed to be nice to him anymore, when I’m not allowed to act like I wanna act around him. He’ll remember and we’ll be back to square one.” Thomas was quiet. Alex’s heart went out to him. He cared about Thomas a great deal and as bitter as he was that he wasn’t who Thomas loved, he understood the pain of needing someone you couldn’t have. But Alex could safely say without a fraction of doubt in his heart that if Thomas wanted this guy, Thomas could get this guy and Alex didn’t want him thinking he couldn’t. Thomas could have anyone he wanted. </p>
  </div>
  <div>
    <p>“Thomas, of course he doesn’t hate you. How could he? You ask him out, he’s not exactly gonna say no is he? I mean,” Alex waved his hand up and down Thomas. “<em>Look</em> at you.“ Thomas forced a quiet laugh and Alex grinned, genuine this time. “I mean your personality leaves something be to be desired-“ Alex cut himself off with a laugh. Thomas met Alex’s eyes, faltering, hurt, underneath his pretend smile. Alex stared for a moment, waiting for Thomas to throw a playful insult back but he didn’t. Alexander furrowed his eyebrows, good enough at reading Thomas’ micro expressions by now, his little tells. “Hey, Thomas, I was only kidding,” Alex said. </p>
  </div>
  <div>
    <p>“No, I-“ </p>
  </div>
  <div>
    <p>“Thomas, really, I didn’t mean it, I mean, get to know you and you’re the sweetest guy around, I just didn’t like you at first cause... well, cause i’m an idiot, but I-“ He rushed, not wanting Thomas thinking there was still any hostility in their relationship. </p>
  </div>
  <div>
    <p>“Alex.” Thomas cut in. “It’s fine.” </p>
  </div>
  <div>
    <p>Alex nodded, snapping his mouth shut. </p>
  </div>
  <div>
    <p>“Right. Okay. Sorry.” Thomas shook his head again, more fond than resigned this time. </p>
  </div>
  <div>
    <p>“I believe it’s your turn?” </p>
  </div>
  <div>
    <p>“Hm? Oh- right yeah course.” Alex flashed a smile. “<em>Him</em>.” Thomas knew he shouldn’t hear all about Alex’s wonder boy. But he wanted to, just to see what Alex likes, harmful as it may be, to see how different he was to what Alex liked. He wanted to know how dissimilar he and Alex’s wonder boy were, (and he had no doubt that they were polar opposites) so he could stop kidding himself that maybe he stood a chance. </p>
  </div>
  <div>
    <p>“He’s uh... I mean. Wow.” Alex huffed out a laugh. “He’s absolutely... stunning. Everyone everywhere knows it too which is more than a bit annoying. He’s ever so charming, almost everyone he meets falls in love with him like that,” Alex snapped his fingers, looking down at Thomas’ hand, still on his knee, with an unreadable but soft look on his face. </p>
  </div>
  <div>
    <p>“Almost everyone?” Thomas asked, glad that not everyone was falling to the feet of Alex’s wonder boy. </p>
  </div>
  <div>
    <p>“Yeah. I didn’t. Not at first.” Thomas was more than happy with that. “But then all too quickly I saw what everyone else did as well as what only I did. And it became obvious why everyone adored him. He’s ever so clever Thomas, really, it’s so refreshing to have someone to match my intellect-“ </p>
  </div>
  <div>
    <p>“Humble as ever,” Thomas muttered. Alex ignored him. </p>
  </div>
  <div>
    <p>“And he really is a sweetheart. Oh he’s so soft and kind and really generous, anyone with sense loves him and you wouldn’t guess but honestly, he’s secretly dead cute under it all. And I’m also willing to bet he has a <em>huge-“ </em></p>
  </div>
  <div>
    <p>“Right I get it!” Thomas cut him off. Alex chuckled, snatching Thomas’ coke and taking a drink, setting it down with a wink. Thomas rolled his eyes. </p>
  </div>
  <div>
    <p>“I really did try and push myself away from him. I couldn’t stand how drawn I was to him, how much I loved the unexplainably sexy pissed of look he’d give me when we argued, and we did that a fuckin lot, how much I craved that little smile he’d try and hide whenever I either purposely tried to make him laugh, which, by the way, I also found myself enjoying far too much, or when I made an idiot of myself and he got this sort of... almost fond look about him. But I’d convinced myself that all of that, those <em>feelings</em> I got, didn’t mean what they did and I tried to pull away from his magnetism. He’s the only person who I’ve ever felt like maybe I’m a perfect match with. And that’s saying something cause I don’t usually buy into that crap. But he’s the sorta person that makes people do stupid shit like... like planning our future away from here in the country somewhere, like listening to fucking love songs and <em>resonating with them</em>-“ he shuddered like it was the worst thing he could possibly imagine. “-like believing in soulmates.” His voice went quiet. “He’s the only person I can talk to for hours and not get bored of, he’s one of the very <em>very</em> few people who I think can actually put up with me.” </p>
  </div>
  <div>
    <p>“I can put up with you.” Thomas interjected quickly. “You act like you’re a burden Alex, but you aren’t. I can put up with you easy peasy, not that it’s a matter of <em>putting up with you</em>.”</p>
    <p>Jesus, Alex thought.  How had he not caught on?</p>
  </div>
  <div>
    <p>“I know.” Alex swallowed thickly, trying to ignore the true weight behind the words,  glancing up at Thomas who was just staring with a tilt to his head, and Alex realised with a sickening jolt that he might just have over shared far too much. He grinned to try and lighten the mood and said something he was sure he blushed at. </p>
  </div>
  <div>
    <p>“Anyway I was completely unwilling to be another twink throwing myself at him.” Thomas snorted and the tension bled away. </p>
  </div>
  <div>
    <p>“Sorry, did you just call yourself a twink?” Alexander shrugged, seemingly nonplussed. </p>
  </div>
  <div>
    <p>“It has been known.” He said, sticking his nose in the air and shutting his eyes, a mockery of elegance. </p>
  </div>
  <div>
    <p>“What, you being a twink?” Thomas laughed. Alex peeked one eye open, looking at Thomas as a wide smile made its way onto his face. </p>
  </div>
  <div>
    <p>“You didn’t know me in my college days,” </p>
  </div>
  <div>
    <p>“Alex you’re 22, you’re barely out of your college days,” Alexander hummed. </p>
  </div>
  <div>
    <p>“I graduated early.” </p>
  </div>
  <div>
    <p>“Of course you did. And now you’re here, ickle baby of the white house when you should be out partying with people your own age. Not sitting in a gross empty bar on a Saturday night complaining about politics to a 30 year old man-“ </p>
  </div>
  <div>
    <p>“You’re not 30! Stop it, it makes you sound old, you’ve got a good 3 years yet-“ </p>
  </div>
  <div>
    <p>“And talking about your office crush.” Thomas continued as if Alex hadn’t even spoken. </p>
  </div>
  <div>
    <p>“He’s not just a crush,” Alexander muttered. Thomas quirked an eyebrow. Alex huffed.</p>
  </div>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“So,” Alex said, watching Thomas drive because really, there wasn’t anything more attractive ever. “Tell me about Monticello. Cause I’d never heard of it before today but you mentioned it like three times in ten minutes. So?” </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Well, I had an architecture phase when I was around your age. I uh, I designed Monticello. And then I had it built.”</p>
</div><div>
  <p>“You made a fucking house? Like actually?”</p>
</div><div>
  <p>Thomas nodded. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“That’s so cool. I can’t wait to see the sorta thing you’d design.” </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Thomas laughed. “Well, I hope you like it.” </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Alex grinned, going back to his favourite pastime: watching Thomas in all his gorgeous glory. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“You’re so pretty, Thomas.” Alex mused quietly. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“I don’t think I’ve ever been called pretty before. But thank you.” Thomas said softly. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Hm,” Alex smiled. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Thomas glanced over and <em>fuck</em> he couldn’t do this. He couldn’t keep this up, couldn’t keep acting like he was okay here, like every moment he was with Alex he wasn’t falling a little deeper, a little harder. Cause he was. And he fucking hated how helpless it had him feeling. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“You’re very pretty too, Alex.” Thomas told him. Alex shook his head. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“<em>No one’s</em> pretty compared to you.” </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Don’t be stupid. I’ll bet at least half the White House would sell their souls to fuck you,” </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Yeah and the other half’s after you. What a pair we are,” Alex laughed. “Anyway, no one wants to fuck me cause they think I’m pretty, they just wanna see if they’d be able to shut me up.” </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“<em>I’d</em> be able to shut you up,” </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Keep dreaming Thomas. I <em>never</em> shut up. You of all people should know that by now.” Alex refuses to acknowledge the fact that Jefferson had just- about fucking him- </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Shhhhhh, it doesn’t do well to bode on these things. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Alex,” Thomas was, looking at Alexander, amused. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Huh?” Alex snapped out of his little trance thing, realising he’d been staring at Thomas this whole time. “Sorry I-“</p>
</div><div>
  <p>“We’re here,” Thomas whispered, gently pushing Alex’s chin with his finger so he was looking out of the windscreen. Alex’s jaw dropped. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Welcome to Monticello.” </p>
</div><p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>hey I would just like to reiterate the fact (just incase) that we are NOT here for irl Thomas Jefferson he was a gross horrible dude (I mean same with aham tbh) this is strictly the musical version minus the slavery and disgustingness <br/>Anywayyyy hope u enjoyed aha tell me if u did because the comments are motivating me to pop out like two chapters a day! Have a lovely day see u soon! &lt;33<br/>Love, willow xxx :)))</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0011"><h2>11. Monticello</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    
<p></p><div>
  <p>Alex hadn’t even noticed Thomas leave the car, staring at this fucking gorgeous house in front of him, completely in a world of his own, until Thomas came and opened the door for him.</p>
</div><div>
  <p>“C’mon,” Thomas smiled. Alex blinked up at him, staring for a second, heart stopping because he knew now that this was all that mattered. Thomas was all that mattered. Because of that terrifying feeling he refused to name, refused to acknowledge because if he did he’d never escape, he’d never win. He’d be left behind by Thomas who could never... he could never <em>love</em> him back and he’d be helpless. Alone and broken and he would not do that to himself. He wouldn’t. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>So instead he took Thomas’ hand and allowed himself to be led to Thomas’ house, this beautiful house and pretended like he had a choice, like he hadn’t already fallen. Fuck, Alex really had set himself up for heartbreak. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“This is... god, Thomas its amazing,” Alex breathed.</p>
</div><div>
  <p>Thomas laughed and oh goodness, he was much closer than Alex expected.</p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Thank you,” He murmured right in Alex’s ear and Alex would’ve frozen up or slithered to the floor or something if not for Thomas’ hand having made its way to the small of Alex’s back, leading him up the steps to Monticello.</p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Home sweet home,” Thomas said softly. Alex was in a near state of shock at the sheer size of the place. And it was so elegant and distinguished and neat? Alex felt the need to fix his posture, tilt his head up a little more, maybe even put on a fancy voice, who knows. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Relax, Alex. Just us.” Thomas said, watching Alex. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Right. Just us. Show me around?” Alex asked, leaning into Thomas’ arm pointedly. Thomas, for once, took the hint and wrapped his arm around Alex’s middle. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Fuck, they fit so perfectly, so effortlessly... Alex wasn’t naive enough to believe in things like meant to be but... it really did feel like he and Thomas were made to fit each other, jagged edges and all. </p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>It took around an hour for Thomas to show Alex every room in the house and by now the sun was just beginning to set and the whole thing felt like something from a fairy tale. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Alex was gazing at a painting in the hall, slightly out of it when he was jolted back to reality by arms encircling his waist. He tensed up before Thomas’ syrupy accent set him at ease again and Alex didn’t know how a voice could possibly make him feel as safe as Thomas’ did but there you have it. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“You okay?” He had asked, voice low like a rumble in his chest and goosebumps broke out across Alex’s skin. He sounded so fucking <em>good</em>. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Yeah,” Alex whispered, not sure why but sure that he couldn’t raise his voice, couldn’t risk shattering the glass bubble surrounding them. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>”Good. Come on, I wanna show you something,” He pulled one arm away but left the other one hung around Alex’s hips. Alex wasn’t sure which part of this he loved the most: the warmth he was getting from Thomas, the slight weight Thomas’ arm was putting on him, the way the soft light lit Thomas’ features on fire so beautifully or the closeness. The answer was all of them.</p>
</div><div>
  <p>Alex looked up at Thomas as he led him down hallways, up stairs, all over the place, Alex didn’t really know where he was, he just liked looking at Thomas. Thomas would glance down at him at random intervals, making Alex’s heart go a mile a minute every damn time and Alex would just smile sweet as he could in the hopes of seeing Thomas’ lip twitch. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Thomas loved looking down and finding Alex already staring at him. He loved it. He loved how had to look up, how he was leaning on Thomas, how he was allowing himself to be led blind through the house in favour of just looking at Thomas. Fuck Alex for making it so easy for Thomas to love him. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Okay, I want you to shut your eyes for me, and you just have to trust me to tell you what to do, right?”</p>
</div><div>
  <p>Alex shut his eyes and nodded. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Okay.” </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Thomas released his hold on Alex and pushed him forward gently so his foot hit the bottom of a set of stairs.  </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“I’m right behind you,” Thomas whispered and fucking hell, he definitely sounded it. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Okay,” he repeated, feeling electricity prickle beneath his skin where Thomas touched him. He gently pushed Alex up the stairs, hands gripping his hips, steadying him when he stumbled. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“There’s a little corridor and then there’s a door, I want you to open it when we get there okay?”</p>
</div><div>
  <p>Alex nodded, out stretching his hands just a little. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Jesus fuck, Thomas really was rather close behind him, wasn’t he, my god.</p>
</div><div>
  <p>And here was the door. Okay, how was he meant to find the fucking door knob-</p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Here, idiot,” Thomas murmured against his neck, hand taking Alex’s and placing it on the handle. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Right. Yeah,” Alex pushed the door open and knew instantly that they were outside. “Where-“</p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Open,” Thomas whispered. Alex opened his eyes and sucked in a breath. Holy shit. Alexander could see for miles and miles and miles, the sky a pinky orange near the horizon, gentle summer breeze carrying the earthy smell, and fuck, the grounds of Monticello truly were beautiful. And Alex got to appreciate that in full, stood on the roof of Thomas’ house with the man himself pressed right up behind him. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Thomas this is... this... oh my god,” Alex couldn’t voice his emotions. He turned around and saw Thomas’ eyes on him. Not on the sky, the trees, the beautiful view, but on Alex. There it was again, that unnamable feeling. The warmth and the contentment and the elated happiness. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Thomas smiled softly. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“I can hear you thinking,” he said gently, taking the tiniest step closer to Alex, watching every movement, every signal. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“This is the best thing anyone’s ever done for me,” Alexander said. Thomas’ smile stayed put, his eyes so warm and sweet and loving. And the insistent press in Alex’s chest was increasing by the second, every second he looked at Thomas he was unraveling, just a little more. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“It is?” Thomas leant forward, just the tiniest bit, trying to wait for Alex to catch on.</p>
</div><div>
  <p>Alex nodded. “Yes.” His voice could barely be counted as a whisper. He ever so slowly, ever so carefully began easing his fingers between Thomas’, leaning forwards. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>He didn’t stop his lean until his head was in the crook of Thomas’ neck and Jesus the man smelled good. Very good. Alex let out a somewhat wobbly sigh and Thomas began swaying steadily, gradually easing them into what could be considered a slow-dance. He and Alex were slow-dancing on his roof as the sun went down. How cliché. Then again, who wasn’t a sucker for a good cliché? </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Thomas most certainly was. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>This was not something he would usually have nearly enough courage to do, but here, the surreal view and the surreal feeling and his surreal Alex right in front of him somehow made him feel like this could all be okay. That maybe he could make Alex forget about his wonder boy, just for now. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>There was no music for their dance, just the breeze and the magic and the sun. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Every colour in the sky, every shallow little breath on Thomas’ neck every tiny squeeze of fingers painted a picture of something unforgettable, the kind of picture that’d have you stop to stare, the kind that you’d call perfect. Because everything about this second, this tiny pocket in time reserved only for Thomas and Alexander was perfect. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Thomas...” Alexander pulled back just enough to come face to face with Thomas again. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Alexander,” Thomas hummed. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Thomas,” Alex repeated breathily. He wasn’t ready for this, wasn’t prepared for any of this and John was right, he was going to get hurt. But hey, if he was going to get hurt anyway, might as well hurt as sweet as he could. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>He had no time for hesitation as he pushed up and <em>fuck</em>. The second his lips connected with Thomas’ he felt it, the force behind the kiss, the insistent push and it was almost too much. The unnamable feeling tore at his throat, trying to escape Alex’s mouth, to make itself known. </p>
</div><div>
  <p><em>No</em>. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>He wouldn’t ruin this, he could not ruin this. They broke apart, leaning into each other, staring at each other breathlessly with a newfound wonder. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Thomas, please-“</p>
</div><div>
  <p>“I know, Alex. I know.” Thomas leant back down, the feeling of kissing Alex, as soft and chaste as it was was something fucking addictive. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>In kissing back, in letting his guard down to allow himself this feeling he understood that he had ruined himself. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>God but Alexander was just unrelenting in his unwillingness to allow Thomas to try and believe for even a second that he could live without this, without the pressure of Alex’s lips on his, a million words with the power of destruction behind his eyes, beneath his fingertips, in his chest. Nothing made any sense anymore but Thomas would take mystification over a world that Alex had not turned upside down. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Because he loved him. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>God, he loved him and it was killing him.</p>
</div><p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Hey guys I’m really sorry that it’s short but hey??? My boys finally came to their senses???? I’m kidding, they have not come to their senses and they will continue to be the obvious idiots we know and love, DONT you worry about that :)))<br/>Anyway yeah so I don’t really like this chapter idk why I just don’t really feel like I’ve written it very well and just ugh-<br/>I’m also too tired to edit this one too so I’m sorry about that but tomorrow is a new day and hopefully??? I feel a little more motivated??? Sorry for being so weird lol<br/>Anyways I really hoped you enjoyed! Have a wonderful day, I love you and thank you so much for your continued support I’m finding myself unable to live without it &lt;333333<br/>Lots and lots of love, willow xxx</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0012"><h2>12. Kiss me?</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p> </p><p></p><div>
  <p>Alexander grinned as his back thumped against the wall, Thomas’ lips instantly back on his and it was as if all the frustration, the anger, the uncertainty from the last year was all being forced into a kiss. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Oh fuck-“ Alex breathed between kisses of fire and wasn’t that just the most eloquent thing he could’ve said ever. “Mm,” Alex was reduced to little murmurs, whispering sweet little nothings. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Thomas was relentless in his kisses, nipping at Alex’s tongue, licking his lips. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>He broke away, dipping down to peck Alex’s jaw. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Oh, ohh,” Alex shut his eyes and near threw his head back, smashing his head in on the wall but really not caring. “Thomas, Thomas, please I-“ he was scrabbling at Thomas’ chest, his arms, his shoulders. He didn’t know what he was asking for but trusted Thomas to pull through nonetheless. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Oh boy and Thomas really did pull through. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>He hoisted Alex up and Alex took the hint, wrapping his legs around Thomas’ middle and ooh, this was fun, the way he got to lean down to kiss Thomas. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Alex,” Thomas growled and his voice really was like a growl, low and rumbly in his chest and it really, <em>really</em> did things for Alex. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Thomas,” he whined back. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“You have <em>no idea</em> how long I’ve wanted you,” </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Fuck- Thomas,” Alex tried to compose himself just enough to think and it really was very difficult with Thomas pressed so close, kissing his neck so distractingly. “Trust me, Thomas, I’ve wanted you longer,” he quipped breathlessly. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Doubt it,” Thomas muttered. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Fuck, Thomas-“ Alex wound his hands into Thomas’ hair and pulled his head up. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Fuck, you’re pretty,” Thomas murmured and Alex rolled his eyes and pushed their lips back together, desperate for more, for the all consuming slide of their tongues, the electric little bites, the addictive feeling of being pushed back into the wall, clutching onto Thomas for all he was. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Alex had kissed people before, had been kissed but never like this. Never was the feeling this strong, never had he thought that this was what he was made for. Not before now. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Thomas was trying to ignore the melancholy of the situation. He was in a paradox here, one in which he lost with every feasible outcome. But he couldn’t stop fucking kissing the fucking oblivious idiot and he was something Thomas was finding more and more like a necessity daily. Alex was smiling, he was happy and blasé, this didn't affect him like it affected Thomas, he was safe on the shore while Thomas was drowning in the sea. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>No, actually, you know what? Fuck this and fuck his stupid metaphors, he was just gonna enjoy this as it was, fuck his feelings. Fuck it all.</p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Come on,” Thomas breathed, pulling away slightly, watching Alex blink dazedly. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Wha-?“</p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Come <em>on</em> you idiot,” Thomas laughed, setting Alex down and pulling him inside. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“I-“</p>
</div><div>
  <p>Thomas led Alex back down the little corridor, down the stairs, round a corner or two, down more stairs and Alex just let himself be dragged around Thomas’ big old house, drunk off of a kiss and staring at Thomas. It was like he was carved by the gods. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“The fuck-“ He was being pushed backwards and flinched before he realised he was not on the ground, but on a (very very comfortable) couch. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Thomas-“ He was seemingly unable to form proper sentences anymore and he cut himself off with a sharp intake of breath when Thomas as came and leant down over him. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Fuck.” he breathed. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Thomas chucked. “Yeah. My thoughts exactly,” </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Are we really doing this?” Alex asked. “We aren’t still on our way here, we aren’t in Jareth, I’m not asleep just dreaming am I?”</p>
</div><div>
  <p>“The things that go through your head- Alex I assure you this is not a dream,” Thomas all but purred. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Right... yeah, okay, okay, good,” Alex pushed up onto his elbows and kissed Thomas again, desperate for the feeling of it. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Fucking hell Thomas you’re gonna fucking kill me,” </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“I hope not,” </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Mm, fuck, Thomas...” </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“The silver tongued Alexander Hamilton. My god, not very silver tongued now are you darling?” Thomas smirked, lowering back down to nip and kiss at that little spot just behind Alex’s ear. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Ah! T-Thomas...” </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Hm. That’s what I thought.” Thomas laughed quietly, setting Alex’s head aflame.</p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Thomas... Tommy-“ </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“You’re real cute, Alex. Reduced to this, just from a few kisses. How sweet. I can’t wait to see how flustered I <em>can</em> make you.” </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Oh,” Even Alex couldn’t miss the implication there. “<em>Oh</em>. Oh, god yes,” he gasped. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Why the fuck was he getting so worked up? He was never this worked up with other people. Never ever. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Fuck but Thomas wasn’t other people, was he? Because of the feeling. <em>The</em> Feeling. And needless to say, the guy was a fucking roman statue walking as it was. Fucking hell, truly the man had a mouth made for kissing. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Thomas,” he mumbled. “<em>Thomas</em>,” </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Yeah?” Thomas pulled away, leaning over Alex. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Kiss me?”</p>
</div><div>
  <p>Thomas huffed out a laugh. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Baby, you don’t gotta ask,” his voice was <em>dripping</em> in that southern accent Alex loved so and Alex got a whole new load of butterflies in his tummy from the pet name. Fuck, Thomas was unyielding and oh my god they had waited way too fucking long for this, for this electricity, for the high. The tension between them was something unlike anything Alex had ever felt before and he tried not to let the looming fact that this meant way more to him than it did to Thomas ruin his fun. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Alex’s hands had found purchase in Thomas’ hair, arms wound round his neck and Thomas seemed to rather like having an arm curled around Alex’s middle, the other in his hair. Alex hissed slightly as Thomas pulled when their kiss got heated and was surprised at just how much he liked a little pain thrown into the mix. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“If I’d have known it was this easy to shut you up,” Thomas began, kissing his way back down Alex’s jaw. “I would’ve done this a <em>hell</em> of a long time ago,” </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“That’s what you’re doing huh? You’re just shutting me up?”</p>
</div><div>
  <p>Thomas shrugged with a little smirk. “The fact that I’m enjoying myself is just an added bonus,” </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Yeah?”</p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Mhm.” </p>
</div><div>
  <p>How could someone look so fucking good when laid on top of someone? Well, it was Thomas fucking Jefferson but holy smokes, this was something else. He bowed down and Alex shut his eyes as he felt Thomas’ lips on his neck, could feel his fucking smile. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“I could... fuck-“ Alex groaned. Thomas’ smile only got wider and fuck Jefferson, Alex could kid himself into thinking he wasn’t giving up this quick. “I could shut you up just as easy Jefferson,” he growled. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Sure you could, sweetheart.” and wow, Thomas really was drooping pet names like they meant nothing wasn’t he? </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Alex pulled Thomas’ head back, pressing their lips back together in a fierce kiss, lips already parted in invitation as he pushed Jefferson up so that they were both on their knees. He shoved Thomas down roughly into a seating position and threw a leg over Thomas’, straddling him. Thomas just stared, silent save for his heavy breathing. Alex pushed himself forward, hands coming to rest at either side of Thomas’ truly beautiful face, pressing a close mouthed kiss onto Thomas’ slightly parted lips. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“I win- <em>fuck</em>!” Thomas had yanked his hair back in the middle of his sentence, just this side of still pleasurable. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Fuck. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Fuck, that was really really hot, Jesus Christ have mercy. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Alex stared at the ceiling wondering how on earth he could possibly have gone without this side of Thomas his whole life. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Thomas waited a beat. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Oh honey. Nothing to say?” He simpered in that fucking delightful voice of his. Alexander gritted his teeth but stayed quiet, glaring at a point on the ceiling and attempting to convince himself that he absolutely did <em>not</em> like being talked down to in such a manner. Except yes, he really did. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Thomas hummed. “Didn’t think so.” He pulled just the tiniest bit tighter on Alex’s hair and Alex put on a little show of irritation, badly disguising the fact that he was very much enjoying himself. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Thomas just leaned forward, pressing a barely there, soft little kiss to a rapidly darkening love bite just to the left of Alex’s bobbing Adam’s apple, starkly different to their previous demanding kisses, hot and desperate. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“<em>I</em> win.” <br/><br/>Alex laughed breathlessly. “I assure you, dear Thomas, I am most definitely winning here,” </p>
</div>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Heyyy everyone this chapter was???? So hard??? Idk I just had a really rough time writing it and I’m really sorry it’s short? I’ve been putting so much pressure on myself to sort of get a chapter out a day if I can and I’m just tireddd lol anyway<br/>I was planning on making them fuck in the next chapter (spoiler alert lmao) I was just wondering how would you guys feel about that???? Idk I won’t do it if u don’t want yknow just wondering what your opinions are<br/>ANYWay!!  That was that, I really hope you liked it! I keep refreshing my page every like 10 minutes to see any new comments I might’ve gotten and honestly there are a few names that pop up and my heart just melts instantly cause-<br/>Ahhhh anyway!! Lol sorry but yeah have a lovely day and a lovely week and a lovely time on this planet! :))))))<br/>Lots of love, willow xxxx &lt;3333</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0013"><h2>13. Sexy times</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    
<p></p><div>
  <p>“Oh, Lord have mercy-“ Alex sucked in a breath at the sheer fucking madness of what he was seeing. Thomas had carried Alex up the stairs and they’d gotten giggly and stupid on the way, Thomas dropped Alex on the bed where he now sat cross legged enjoying Thomas’ little strip tease. And boy was he enjoying it. “Jefferson, holy fucking shit what are you made of fucking diamond what the fuck am I seeing-“ Thomas was fucking ripped, <em>beyond</em> ripped, the guy was so ripped even Hercules couldn’t fix him (little tailor joke for you there) and Alex was wayyyyy out of his depth here cause Thomas was drop dead fucking gorgeous and not to sound crass but stood here in just his mother fucking gucci boxers, Alex could tell the guy was most definitely sizeable. This was insane, I mean Alex knew he was hot but this truly was something else. Like he expected- but not- fuckkk...</p>
</div><div>
  <p>“You’re being weird, Alex.” Thomas laughed. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“I’m sorry but fuck <em>me</em>,” </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Well, that is the plan,” </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Alex threw a look. “Yes, very funny,” </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Cmon baby why don’t you show me a little something too, hm?” Thomas sauntered towards him all confident and sexy with that low rumbly voice Alex absolutely adored.</p>
</div><div>
  <p>And Alex faltered. The fucking idiot, he faltered when he should have acted just as confident as he usually did, just as confident as Thomas. But Alex knew he had tried to right his expression too late when Thomas furrowed his eyebrows after a beat and sat beside Alex, folding his limbs all askew underneath him, opening his arm out so that Alex could come and cuddle up should he want to. Alex clearly wanted to, settling himself into Thomas’ side, tucking his head under his chin. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Hey, you okay? We don’t have to do anything, if you wanna drop out you just say the word and I back right off-“ </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“No, no, god it’s not... it’s not anything, sorry I’m just being stupid,” Alex murmured, pulling his head back but leaning further into Thomas, kissing the corner of his mouth. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Thomas looked no less concerned when Alex pulled back.</p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Alex I’m being serious, we do not have to do this, I’m not gonna be mad, we can still have fun, this is all your call, everything is okay, yeah?” </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Thomas, <em>believe me</em>, I want this. Want you. I just... I don’t know. You’re... I mean fucking <em>look</em> at you,” Alex poked him gently in the ribs, curling back under his chin as if retreating, drawing little circles with his finger on Thomas’ forearm, wrapped protectively around his waist. “And I... I’m not... I don’t know. Sorry, I shouldn’t be ruining this- fuck.” Alex hated the shame rising in his chest, a feeling not as unfamiliar as you might think and certainly not welcome. He hated how he wasn’t good enough, how he wasn’t pretty or sweet or slim enough or... fuck. Anyone looking at the two of them, anyone could see that Thomas was way out of Alex’s league. Miles and miles out. Thomas must be able to see it, Alex definitely could. He <em>hated</em> it. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“I’m sorry I’m not... not good enough for you. I-I don’t wanna ruin this I just... I’m sorry I...” his voice was thick and shaky and quiet and Thomas couldn’t stand it. He pulled back just enough to grab Alex’s little face in his hands, to stroke his cheek ever so softly with his thumb. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Thomas just shook his head slowly, staring at Alex with such a bittersweet Alex didn’t know existed. And he could pretend for a second that he <em>was</em> enough. Thomas was making it so easy for him. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Thomas stared, heart hurting for Alex, his magical Alex with his big sad eyes and his little quivering lip and Alex should never ever look like this, should never ever feel like this because he was wonderful and Thomas hated that Alex didn’t know that. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Alex, don’t you dare apologise. Don’t you <em>dare</em>. You couldn’t ruin this if you tried. I know I alway say otherwise but you make everything so much better. I mean without you in it my life goes back to black white and grey. You’re my colours, Alex, and you could never ruin anything. You are nothing short of perfect and if you ever tell yourself any different I’ll poison your coffee, d’you understand me?” Alex gave a tiny little laugh, rubbing at his eyes though he really looked no less sad. It tugged on Thomas’ heart incredibly hard and he felt a sob bubbling in his chest. “Oh, baby you are <em>so</em> beautiful and <em>so</em> amazing and I have never once seen you doubt yourself before cause you’ve never ever ever had a reason to. I’ve never doubted you either, I’ll have you know. Even when we disagreed, even when we argued. You, Alexander Hamilton, are incomparable, my one in a million, and I never <em>ever</em> want you thinking any different. Okay?” </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Alex tried to tell himself that the throb in his heart when Thomas referred to Alex as <em>his</em> was completely coincidental, tried desperately not to cry. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“I-“ Okay maybe he needed to try a bit harder. He cleared his throat a little and sniffled. He didn’t know how he could possibly articulate his feelings so he forced all of them into a kiss. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Please don’t be mean,” he whispered as he broke away and began to shed clothing. Thomas watched in awe, eyes practically shining with all this love that he couldn’t believe was still trapped inside him. What the fuck was there to possibly possibly be mean about? Alex was absolutely perfect. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Alex-“ </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“I know, I know please just don’t-“ Alex shut his eyes as Thomas shifted them both to be laying down, facing each other. Thomas grabbed Alex’s hand. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“You are so fucking beautiful,” Thomas finished and he meant every word. Alex’s eyes fluttered open and the poor honey looked like he was about to cry. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Alex didn’t believe him. Of fucking course he didn’t. He knew what he looked like, his sharp face but soft everything else, gentle curves that were probably more like a <em>girl </em>than anything, squishy thighs and a squishy torso. Fucking stupid fucking traitorous body. Safe to say Alex fucking hated himself and this was usually done drunk or in the dark where he wouldn’t have to worry about it, with someone he didn’t care about this fucking much, someone that wasn’t the absolute god that Thomas was. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Yeah, yeah, enough sweet talking me Jefferson, are we doing this or what?” His voice had no bite to it, if anything he nestled further into Thomas, easing up. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Thomas shrugged. “We could. <em>Or</em>, I could lay here all weekend and kiss you stupid, tellin’ you just how fuckin’ pretty you are.” He pecked at Alex’s jaw. Alex tried for an eye roll but sincere or not, Thomas most definitely sounded it and Alex found himself incredibly happily surprised that Thomas seemed to be pushing a little more confidence back into Alex with every kiss, a little more umph, the regular <em>not</em> insecure Alex making his much awaited return. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Idiot.” </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“There’s my Alex.” Thomas smiled. There it was again, the <em>his </em>that Alex was becoming obsessed with. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Alexander huffed<em>. “</em>Come <em>on</em>, I want-“ Alex shuffled closer, winding his hand in Thomas’ hair and tugging a little, pressing quick little kisses everywhere he could reach. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“What d’you want, sweetheart?” Thomas‘ voice dropped lower again, lifting Alex’s chin with his finger, making him meet his eyes and arousal hit Alexander like a punch in the stomach. “Hm?” Fuckkkk, Thomas had no business being both <em>that</em> adorable and sweet and <em>this</em> fucking hot and ridiculously fuckable all in one minute.</p>
</div><div>
  <p>Alex let out a frustrated little whine. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“You fucking know what I want, Thomas come <em>on</em>-“ Alex tried to sound as though this was some sort of inconvenience but the desperation gave him away. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Thomas laughed quietly, leaning forward in such a way that made Alex tense up. “I know honey but I wanna hear you say it,” his voice was low and sultry right in Alex’s ear and holy fucking fuck Thomas was unbelievably hot, Jesus. Alex’s whole body broke out in goosebumps. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“I-I uh-“ </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Awe, poor sweetheart. Have I made you go all speechless again?” Thomas drawled. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Fuck.” </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Thomas snickered. “C’mon Alex, I can usually never shut you up. Use those words you love so much for me baby.” </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Alex wished Thomas would stop giving him pet names that sounded so fucking good coming from his mouth. But he really really really didn’t. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“I want... fuck, I want you to... I need you just- fuck. Can you... fucks sake, fucks fucking sake just fucking fuck me already,” </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Awe, <em>not</em> nice. You feelin’ not nice all of a sudden? Hm? You gonna be good for me Alex? Gonna ask nicely?” Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck Alex did <em>not</em> think he could manage with this sorta talk going on. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Fuck- yes, yes I’ll... fuck I’ll be good I- fuck, fuck please fuck me,” He gushed, flush creeping all the way down his chest, almost too needy for embarrassment. Almost. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“There we go. Good boy.” </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Alex whined. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Shitttt well wasn’t that just the single best sentence ever in ever. Shit, fuck fucking fucking fuck Alex was much more riled up than he wanted to be. And Thomas, the fucking smug bastard with that proud look on his face, he wasn’t fucking helping, the fucking prick. </p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Fuck,” Thomas sucked in a quick breath through his teeth as he eased into Alex incredibly slowly, completely and utterly unwilling to hurt Alex <em>too</em> much. He wasn’t gonna be mean about this. Alex let out a low continuous moan until Thomas was fully seated when he cut himself off with sharp little breaths. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>I mean Alex appreciated Thomas being all considerate but he really fucking really wanted this show on the road. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Fucking hell Alex you’re tighter than a fucking virgin,” Thomas groaned. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Alex was reduced to incoherence for a moment and they both took a breather, lips a fraction away from touching and Thomas fought against everything in his body to not take and take and take until neither had anything left to give. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“I’m not made of fucking glass Jefferson you can fucking move you know,” Alex whined, writhing helplessly. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Don’t wanna hurt you,” Thomas mumbled, circling his hips just a tiny bit. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Alex huffed out a laugh, breath surprisingly cool against Thomas’ burning skin. “I don’t mind,” </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Well I fuckin’ do.” Thomas ground out through gritted teeth and Alex admired his self restraint. He wondered how far he could push it. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>He tightened himself around Thomas, revelling in the way Thomas’ eyes went darker, just a touch. He pushed himself up and back down again ever so slightly and Thomas’ fingers clenched in the bedsheets at either side of Alex’s head. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Alexander,” he warned. Alex grinned up at him, marvelling at the way Thomas was shaking with the need to control himself yet still didn’t move. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Thomas come on, you prepped me for like half an hour I’m <em>good</em>,” </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Thomas shook his head. “Are you sure?” </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Fucking hell Jefferson, you want me to fuckin’ beg?” Alex tried to keep his tone light, tried to slow his heartbeat because even now this was unrealistically hot and the way Thomas was being so careful made Alex’s tummy flutter with something much deeper than his pressing arousal. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Yes.” Thomas answer was immediate. Alex’s thighs were starting to tremble. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Please,” he mewled. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“You’re so fucking cute,” Thomas grinned, propping himself up just long enough for him to grab Alex’s chin, to bend down and kiss him slow and sweet as he carefully inched his way out. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Mm,” Alex kept his eyes shut after Thomas pulled away to stare at Alex’s heaving chest, to stare at how he and Alex were so intimately connected, to stare at his pretty little Alex all spread out for him, one hand fisted in Thomas’ bedsheets, the other clawing at the back of Thomas’ neck. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“You ready?”</p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Please, just fucking do it Jefferson,” Alex panted. And Thomas scowled, just a little. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Quit calling me that.” </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Huh?” </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“You call me Thomas now, yeah?” </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Alex blinked dazedly and Thomas shoved a few inches back into him, caution gone just for a second. Alex arched his back and let out a moan, low and long and steady. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Say it.” </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Ahh,” Alex tried to get a hold of himself, tried to jolt his brain into working again but he couldn’t seem to be able to. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Fuck, he usually had more control than this. Was usually far more coherent when he finished let alone when they just started. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Say. It.” He punctuated each word with a shallow little thrust and Alex keened. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Thomas,” he whined. “Thomas, Thomas, fuck,” Thomas seemed satisfied and kissed him quick as an almost reward. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Good boy,” </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Fuck fuck fuck fuck Thomas really did have to give over with that if he expected Alex to last more than 10 seconds. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Jesus fucking hell Thomas,” Alex hissed, digging his nails into Thomas’ shoulders. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“You tell me if you wanna stop,” Thomas said, starting to pull out again. Alex tried to glare at him but couldn’t pull it off and settled for nodding his head instead. “Okay,” </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Thomas took a moment to stare at Alex, tucking a bit of hair behind his ear then pushed back in, a little harder this time, and Alex couldn’t help the whimper it forced out of him. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Thomas got a steady pace going and while he already had Alex gripping onto the sheets and had his nails tracking scratches all over his back, Thomas knew what was coming. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“More-“ Alex murmured. “Please, please harder need- fuck,” </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Shh, I got you, I got you,” Thomas didn’t pick up his pace but he took his hands from either side of Alex’s head and planted them firmly on his hips, as if in preparation. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Thomas I can- ah! Fuck, I can... can fucking take it,” Alex managed. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Thomas knew he probably could, the little freak, but Thomas felt weirdly sentimental about this. Not to sound sappy or whatever but... it was their first time. Y’know? He wanted it to be special or whatever, wanted to go slow and steady and sweet and try and force Alex to realise that Thomas loved him. He didn’t want this to go quick, to be rough and fast and hot cause he was pretty sure they could get to that at some point in the future. But it was glaringly obvious to Thomas that this didn’t mean nearly as much to Alex as it did to him so he tried to let it go. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Thomas drew back so he was almost all the way out of Alex and then snapped his hips forward, and Thomas did not expect loving seeing how pretty he’d marked Alex’s neck and shoulders up when Alex bared his neck, didn’t expect to <em>like</em> the tears gathering in the corner of Alex’s eyes, though he did preempt fucking loving the sight of Alex throwing his head back, arching his back and letting out a loud moan. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Thomas’ grip on Alex tightened to the point where it hurt. But the nice kind of hurt. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Thomas continued with this frankly brutal pace and Alex was near screaming within 5 minutes that felt more like either millennia or seconds and every fucking thrust hit his prostate. The feeling was something completely unlike anything Alex had ever felt in his life, it was the sort of pleasure that had your spine in a permanent arch, made you slack jawed and teary, made you forget your own damn language, where nothing except ecstasy and Thomas’ name made sense. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Fuck, Alex liked sex as it was but this was something else entirely. He was gonna get addicted to this, to the pressure everywhere, to Thomas’ lips on his, on his neck, his jaw, whispering little encouragements and endearments and sweet nothings in his ear, to the pain hidden behind the all consuming euphoria (and Alex truly couldn’t think of a better word) that he was sure he’d fall in love with tomorrow. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Thomas’ thrusts were starting to get erratic and Alex had been fucked into silence, his mouth open in a little o, now having stopped his insistent mindless babbling to scream <em>silently</em> in favour of hearing Thomas’ noises. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Oh and what wonderful noises they were. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Little hisses, groans, quiet mutterings of “Alex,” over and over, the occasional swear and if Alex was lucky, a moan, low and drawn out and absolutely delightful. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Alex could tell Thomas was close and Thomas reached between them for Alex’s cock to help him out a little but Alex grabbed his wrist, and was surprised that his brain still had enough control of his body to do so. He shook his head frantically and before Thomas could even think of stopping, Alex cut him off. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Wanna... just you... I-I wanna f-fuck- oh fuck, please, <em>yes</em>, I want... want to... only from you, please,” Alex sounded a fucking mess, all hoarse and breathy and high and whiny and rather embarrassingly desperate but whatever, he’d told Thomas what he wanted and he was sure Thomas would approve of that. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Thomas’ eyes widened with the realisation of what Alex was saying and licked his lips, tasted salt. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“You wanna..?” Alex nodded. “Fuck, baby, that’s hot,” Thomas grinned wide and devilish and Alex damn near sobbed because every single thing Thomas was doing was pushing him just that bit further to the edge. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Thomas shifted and flipped Alex onto his stomach effortlessly and woah, that probably wasn’t as fucking sexy as Alexander’s fucked out mind was telling him it was but damn. Alex did not stay quiet enough to hear Thomas’ noises anymore, moaned loud and high, couldn’t help it with the change of angle, how Thomas was going a little faster, a little harder the closer he got. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>It wouldn’t take Alex long at all, he could already feel himself tensing up, teetering on the edge as Thomas wrapped an arm around Alex’s middle, pulled him up with his hand splayed out all nice across Alex’s collarbones until Alex’s back met Thomas’ chest. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>One more thrust was all it took for Alex to cum all up his own stomach, one achingly deep amazingly good thrust that just hit every right spot and had Alex panting in surprise and savouring the aftershocks as Thomas continued to fuck him through it, chasing his own orgasm. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Alex cried out, arm snaking up and behind him so his hand could clench in Thomas’ hair, going boneless and pliant against Thomas’ chest and it was only a matter of seconds before Thomas followed him into completion. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Alex stayed swaying slightly on trembling legs, wanting desperately to just cuddle down while Thomas went to get him a wet towel to clean up with but unwilling to mess up their bedsheets which were still somehow clean and oh my fucking god had he just referred to Thomas’ sheets as <em>their</em> sheets? </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Fuck. Well maybe he was in too deep. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>He ushered that thought out of his head and felt an easy smile tug at his lips when Thomas returned after a few minutes, clean and dressed in shorts and a tank top with a glass of water, a wet towel and one of Thomas’ shirt as well as a pair of (not gucci) boxers in hand. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Hey,” Alex offered what must have been the dopiest fucked out grin anyone had ever seen but Thomas laughed, smiled back at him, that soft, affectionate very <em>fond</em> look Alex always enjoyed making its way to him. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Hey.” Thomas said back, all quiet and gentle and sweet and Alex had been worried that Thomas might be withdrawn, maybe even moody now, after the heat of the moment but Alex was overjoyed with this. He loved to be looked after after sex and Thomas seemed like the type to enjoy looking after. This was great. “Here,” Thomas offered his armful of stuff to Alex and Alexander took the glass of water and placed it on the bedside table, cleaned himself up with the towel and pulled on Thomas’ clothes. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“I brought my own clothes y’know I can just go find those if you want-“</p>
</div><div>
  <p>“No. I like it. You looking sweet as anything in my clothes. It’s nice.” Thomas waited hesitantly for a moment before Alex was all out beaming at him, wondering for a split second if maybe he’d ruined it all. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“You wanna hop in the shower? Get all cleaned up properly?” </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Alex shook his head. “Tomorrow. ‘M sleepy.” </p>
</div><div>
  <p>And oh my fucking god Alex was <em>sleepy</em>. That was so cute. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Thomas nodded and shoved everything but Alex and the covers off of the bed, discarding them for tomorrow and allowed Alex to settle into the bed before he made any kind of move, not sure what Alex wanted him to do now. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Alex had cuddled all nice into the left side (handy, seeing as Thomas always took the right) looking expectantly up at Thomas when he didn’t immediately have a warm body to cling to. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“D’you want me to..?” Thomas really didn’t wanna push Alex here but he knew in the back of his head that he didn’t have to worry about it, that maybe just maybe Alex wanted this just as much as he did, just for now. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Alex nodded. “Yea. I mean, if you wanna.” </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Thomas smiled, easy and captivating and Alex had to get his god damn feelings under control if he wanted to continue his life. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“I do,” Thomas laid down facing Alex and all the tension, the uncertainty bled from Alexander, he looked at ease, comfortable and content. Thomas really liked that. He reached out and stroked Alex’s cheek gently with the back of his finger and Alex didn’t flinch, didn’t move or show any signs of discomfort, only nestled into Thomas’ hand once it was close enough. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“You’re so fucking cute.” </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Alex shook his head but smiled, opening his eyes. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Will you stay with me tomorrow? Please?” He asked quietly, not sounding really scared just nervous. To ask or of the answer, it was anyone’s guess. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“You’re living in my house-“ </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“No I mean... when we wake up. Please don’t leave me on my own. I hate being on my own after...” Alex whispered and Thomas nodded, drawing him closer until they met in the middle, legs tangling, one of Alex’s hands gripping his, the other pressed against his heartbeat. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Yeah, I’ll be here, Alex. I promise.”</p>
</div><div>
  <p>Alex murmured his appreciation and soon enough they were both fast asleep, both wondering how much longer it’d take them to break and finally admit their feelings for each other. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>The fucking idiots. </p>
</div>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Hey guys I’m very very tired and my eyes are barely even open so I’m not gonna proofread or edit or anything and I’m really sorry it took so long to get out???? I seriously overestimated my ability to write sexy times, angst is definitely more my forte but I tried and here we have it <br/>I’ve missed ur comments and ur motivation lol and I thank you so much for reading and I applaud you if you’ve made it this far lmao :))) <br/>Anyways I love you a million and I hope you have a lucky as fuck week <br/>Lots and lots of love, willow xxxx<br/>P.S oh my god I know I use fuck excessively but I’m pretty sure I broke my own records for amount of fucks in a chapter</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0014"><h2>14. Thomas teases</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    
<p></p><div>
  <p>Alex woke up at some unspecified time durin the night, it was dark, he was all cuddled up in Thomas’ arms and he was <em>ridiculously</em> happy. He hummed gently into Thomas’ jaw, pressed a tiny little kiss there and shuffled himself over so he could turn around. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Thomas grumbled sleepily, drawing Alex in as close as he possibly could and Alex luxuriated in having Thomas’ big strong arms wrapped around him all tight and protective.  </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Alex wondered vaguely how things would be between Thomas and him nowadays. Would they still be friendly friends like they had been for the past like day or two? Would they be...more...? Oh Alex didn’t know, finding himself succumbing to sleep, relaxed by Thomas’ warm breathing on the back of his neck. </p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Alex blinked himself awake at some later time, it was light outside but Alex was shielded from any harsh light by the drawn curtains and Thomas’ big old shoulders. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Morning,” Thomas said quietly, facing Alex now, his voice all quiet and low and growly from sleep, and my god he looked like a poem, like a beautiful collection of feeling that comes together to make something mesmerising and Alex fell in love a million times over. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Mornin’.” Alex croaked and wow, wasn’t that just a wonderful comparison of people. A poem and a fucking frog man. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“I stayed,” Thomas smiled softly, reaching out to stroke Alex’s hair out of his face. “I wasn’t just sweet talking you yesterday y’know.” Thomas said. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Huh?” </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“You really are beautiful.” </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Alex stopped. He stopped everything, thinking, breathing, blinking, everything. Because Thomas sounded so genuine, like he really believed it and it really fucking tugged on Alex’s heartstrings. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Alex had half a mind to tell him to shut up, just to keep the facade going a little longer. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Thank you,” he whispered instead. He hesitantly reached between them with his freezing cold hand and pulled Thomas’ hand up between their chests. Alex pushed his fingers between Thomas’, glancing up. Thomas smiled. Oh god thomas could smile forever. So could Alex. And here they’d stay, they’d get their happily ever after and everything would be okay so long as they stayed here where reality felt so shifted, where time didn’t exist and the only words that mattered were said to each other. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Can we just stay here? Please? Just for a little bit?” Alex asked on words that shook like they were killing him. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Hey, hey of course, c’mere sweetheart,” Thomas pulled Alex closer, under his chin and in his arms right where he should be. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“I just... god, I never want to leave this moment. This right here, this should be a photo I’m allowed to live in.” Alex mumbled, staring at their intertwined fingers wondrously. “I don’t know how this has happened. I mean,” Alex laughed softly. “I would never ever have guessed this was where I’d end up today. That this is where I’d love ending up. I-I don’t get it. How I coulda...” Fallen. “...So quick.” He pulled back to look at Thomas. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“I know what you mean.” Thomas almost sighed. “I know.” Thomas put his hand at the back of Alex’s neck, stroking his hair gently and trying to pull them as tight together as he possibly could. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“You hungry?” He asked after a few minutes. Alex hesitated because he genuinely didn’t know. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Um yeah I think so.” He’d been ignoring his body’s needs for so long he didn’t really know what he needed to do until he was almost dying of either thirst, hunger or sleep deprivation. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“You think so?” </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Alex just smiled and nodded. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Okay, well you can get a shower if you’d like, I’ll go make us breakfast. Anything you want?” Thomas asked, sitting up. Alex stayed laid down, slithering so his head was in Thomas’ lap. He wrapped his arms around Thomas’ middle and shook his head. Thomas chuckled. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Cutie,” </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Alex scowled but cuddled further into Thomas’ legs. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Okay, bathroom’s that door over there, I’ll fetch your bag up while you’re in there and I’ll get breakfast on the go.” Thomas said, stroking Alex’s hair fondly. “Yeah?”</p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Yeah. Thank you, Thomas.” Alex grinned up at him looking so sweet and Thomas almost “awwwwe”’d out loud. He was <em>so</em> fucking cute.</p>
</div><div>
  <p>Thomas smiled back. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“No problem, pretty.” Alex got butterflies. “You okay with that?” Thomas asked, sliding out of bed. Alex still stayed put but nodded, shuffling over to Thomas’ side where it was all warm and smelt like Thomas. Alex threw a smile across to where Thomas now stood at the door and honestly it was something so hazy yet so clear, just like pure happiness and contentment, his Alex in the soft yellowish light all sprawled across the bed, he was indescribable. It genuinely looked like a painting, one Thomas was sure he’d revisit in his memories. He smiled and shook his head, leaving Alex in bed. </p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Alex sighed happily and rolled out of bed, plodding towards Thomas’ shower and really there was no other word for it. He was kinda all gross and he was kinda all hurt but it spoke volumes that he still fucking loved it. He hummed himself a little tune as he got in the bathroom, not bothering to shut the door, and dropped his (Thomas’) clothes off. He caught a look at his reflection and oh shit was that him?</p>
</div><div>
  <p>His hair was just unspeakable, he looked a little less pale though that was probably the lighting, he definitely looked happier and not to undermine the happy sweet poetic vibe of the situation but he was fucking covered in hickies and it was a pretty nice sight. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>He ran his fingers over his neck and his shoulders and he really was enjoying this whole situation immensely. He let out a wobbly sigh and after a minute of fiddling with the knobs and what not he got the shower up and running. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>He stepped under the hot water and almost slithered to the floor. Thomas had an amazing shower. Alex made quick work of cleaning himself, grabbing the first soap of many, the first shampoo of many and decided that fuck it, he’d use conditioner for once, wanting his hair all cute and soft for Thomas. God it was like he was back in high school, trying to get the attention of whoever he’d “fallen in love with” that week. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Except it wasn’t like that because he’d never been in love before. And he was starting to think that maybe now...</p>
</div><div>
  <p>Alex shook his head a little, rising himself off trying not to think about the L word. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Thomas?” Alex asked, forgetting for a moment that he was in a big ass mansion and he was probably like 6 miles away from Thomas. “Thomas!” He yelled. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Jesus fucking hell Alex, I was just dropping your bag off,” Thomas edged into the bathroom with his hand over his eyes. “What do you want?” He asked. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Oh my fucking god Thomas you’re so fucking cute!”</p>
</div><div>
  <p>“What?” </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“We literally fucked yesterday and you come in here with your hand over your eyes- ugh. You’re fucking adorable.”</p>
</div><div>
  <p>“I am not,” he grumbled but his hand didn’t waver. Alex grinned. “Well was there a reason you were screaming my name or..?” </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Oh! Right, yeah course, uh can I get a towel please?” </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Uh yeah hold on-“ he made his way blindly over to a cupboard. Alex rolled his eyes. “Thomas you don’t have to have your hand over your eyes, darlin’.” </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Oops. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>The pet name slipped out accidentally, but Alex didn’t mind the pretty blush it gave Thomas at <em>all</em>. Alex thought maybe they were just as flustered as each other. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“You blushing for me Jefferson?” </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Don’t talk to me like that, I’m not your fucking puppy,” Thomas growled, blush even more prominent, grabbing two towels from an airing cupboard but he didn’t really sound angry. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Sure act like it,” Alex muttered, smiling innocently from behind the opaque shower door when Thomas glared over. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Here,” he threw the towels at Alex’s face and sauntered over, taking on that confident air he always got and it sent a shiver along Alex’s spine. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Alex’s smile bled from his face, replaced with one just as gleeful but with darker eyes and more anticipation. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Thomas looked down at Alex scrambling to tuck a towel around his waist and Thomas lifted a finger, pushing Alex’s chin up until their eyes met. Alex blinked hazily as Thomas leaned down ever so slowly, lips hovering a hairs width away from Alex’s. He stayed for a moment, watched Alex squirm until Alex finally whined, trying to surge up and connect their lips. Thomas pulled back so that there was always that irritating distance. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“<em>Please</em>,” Alex gritted out. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“There we go,” Thomas pressed a far too quick kiss to the corner of Alex’s mouth, turned on his heel and left. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Well shit. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Fucking fucking shit. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Alex growled to himself, murmuring angrily and promising that he’d kill Thomas today, promising that their previous encounter absolutely had not left him all hot and bothered. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Alex stormed back into the bedroom after he brushed his teeth and considered maybe wearing his own clothes to prove a point but decided it just wasn’t worth it and pulled Thomas’ sweats back on and a very odd purple shirt. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Alex stomped downstairs with a little scowl, pretending he knew where he was going. He sighed sulkily and after a moment of cursing the gods decided he wasn’t gonna find the kitchen alone. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Thomas!” He yelled. “Jefferson, come help me!” </p>
</div><div>
  <p>The house was silent and Alex groaned as loud and dramatic as he could. “<em>Please</em>, Thomas!”</p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Coming!” Thomas said in a sing song annoying as fuck voice . Alex folded his arms and huffed as Thomas waltzed into the room with a very irritatingly attractive shit eating grin on his face. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Prick,” Alex grumbled, walking right into Thomas’ open arms. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Come on you idiot,” Thomas led them into the kitchen, Alex grumbling the entire way about “stupid fuckin huge house who fuckin needs a house this big fuckin stupid load of fuckin shit,”. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Alex threw himself down at the table, scowling at Thomas. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“You’re a teasing fucking bastard.” Alex growled, begrudgingly enjoying the fry up Thomas had made for him. “The fuck was that about anyway?” Alex asked through a mouthful of bacon. Thomas shrugged sliding down next to him. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Just putting you in your place, pretty,” Thomas grabbed Alex’s chin. “Now eat your breakfast,” he said, his lips brushing against Alex’s before he kissed him, quick and soft. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Alex floundered for a moment, very caught off guard by the warm domestic feeling he got through all the sexiness. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Alex huffed but shuffled closer, resting his head on Thomas’ shoulder. Thomas wrapped his arm around Alex’s middle and kissed the top of his head gently and Alex got super mega butterflies. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“I lo-“ hOLY FUCKING SHIT WHAT THE FUCK? He nearly just- he nearly just fucking told Thomas he fucking loved him at fucking breakfast the morning after their first fuck what sort of fucking juvenile fucking- oh Jesus holy fucking god no. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Hm?” </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Uh, oh... no, nothing,” Alex pushed himself away from Thomas, staring at his plate so he wouldn’t have to see that hurt look on Thomas’ face. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>For the love of fuck. </p>
</div><p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>hey everyone I’m having a sorta writers block situation I’m sorry it took so long for such a short chapter I-<br/>Anyway I sincerely wish you the best of days (or nights) :)))))<br/>-willow xx &lt;3333</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0015"><h2>15. Poor Alex</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    
<p></p><div>
  <p>“So,” Thomas said, grabbing their empty plates and taking them to the sink. “What do you wanna do today?” </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Alex looked up at him before darting his eyes back to the table. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Uh, I don’t know. Anything you had in mind?” </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Thomas shrugged, eyes still on Alex as he picked at his fingers, bouncing his leg. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Are you okay?” Thomas asked, concern evident in his voice. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Alex looked up at Thomas, he looked so confused and hurt and worried and it upset Alex that knew it was his fault. He needed to distance himself, he knew that but he also knew he couldn’t. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>He sighed and stood up, walking right into Thomas’ chest. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“I’m sorry. I’m sorry, I’m just feeling weird.” He mumbled, melting into Thomas. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Alright, so maybe he was really fucking things up for the both of them by allowing himself the feeling of Thomas all wrapped around him. But he couldn’t give it up. He knew that in less than two days he’d <em>have</em> to give it up, knew that they’d probably go back to hating each other. But not yet. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Thomas?” </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Hm?” Thomas slid down to the floor, Alex still bundled in his arms and they landed in a heap of tangled arms and legs, shuffling around until Alex was cradled atop Thomas’ folded legs, his head in the crook of Thomas’ neck. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“How... what... what’s gonna... y’know?” Alex struggled, finding himself unable to articulate any of his feelings whatsoever. Thomas looked down at him questioningly. Alex huffed, wiggling his way further into Thomas’ shoulder. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“I don’t want you to go back to hating me when we go back to real life.” </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Alex I never-“ </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“No, no I know, I know just..” Alex cut in, shaking his head and squeezing his eyes shut, thumping his head against Thomas’ shoulder. “I don’t want it to be like it was. I hated it like it was. Please just promise me... promise me it won’t be like it was?” He opened his eyes though couldn’t really see anything pressed against Thomas’ chest, playing with the hem of Thomas’ shirt. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“I promise. Not after this.” </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Alex wound his arms around Thomas’ neck and hugged him as tight as he could. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“I know you’re lying, Thomas.” Alex sighed into Thomas’ jaw. “But don’t stop yet.” </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Alex...” Thomas trailed off because Alex was right. He couldn’t make that promise, he couldn’t tell Alex that they’d act differently in the office, that they’d make it okay somehow because he knew it wasn’t true. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“If I tell you that I only want to be yours...” Alex whispered into Thomas’ neck. “Will you tell me you wanna be mine?” </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Thomas’ roaming fingers stilled, his heart jumped to his throat, a thousand words trying to force their way out, trying to make Alex realise just how in love Thomas was. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Thomas... I want to be yours,” Alex murmured, fingers trailing over Thomas’ forearm. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Thomas tried to calm down, tried to even out his breathing, stop the tremor in his fingers, the beginning of a melody somewhere in the back of his head, either the start of something mesmerising or something tragic. His very being was sparking up with fire telling him that <em>this could be it</em>. He could rescue them, he could wake up, he could finally let himself live. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“I wanna be yours,” Thomas breathed, voice shaking because this meant <em>everything</em>. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Alex drew in a sharp intake of breath. Fuck.</p>
</div><div>
  <p>So many words were screaming in Alex’s mind, so many words, too many words with too many meanings and too many consequences. Words that hung in the air, so dangerous, far too real. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Alex felt the telltale tightening of his chest, the sting behind his eyes and clawed blindly for Thomas’ hands, unwilling to open his eyes, unwilling to see the wreckage his words had created. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>The atmosphere in the room was so surreal, like one in a million glances at another world in a fragmented mirror, like the place you see so much in your dreams but disappears in consciousness, tucked away, waiting for you to close your eyes and come back home. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“We belong somewhere that’s already been broken, don’t we?” Alex whispered, too many feelings aching to reach out, too many pictures in his head hurting and trying to heal him, god and the air seemed to be killing him, pressure building to the point of bruises and every movement, every touch was so overwhelming and it was all too much, too much, <em>too much</em>. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“I think so.” Thomas wasn’t prepared for this. Fuck, he wasn’t prepared for this and he wasn’t sure how much longer it’d take for him to crack under it all. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“But we can find somewhere else, I can build us somewhere else, somewhere safe... we can... fuck, Alex- what’ve you <em>done</em> to me?” Thomas shook his head desperately, drawing Alex closer to him.</p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Thomas Jefferson,” Alexander said quietly, gripping Thomas’ hand with everything he had. ”You’ve saved me.” </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Thomas couldn’t think of anything to say to that, drawing his arms around Alex tighter, kissing his head.</p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Alexander...” he whispered, the end of that sentence, the words that really mattered, died on his lips. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>And despite all the soft touches, the gentle reassurance whispered in his ear, Thomas’ arms trying to hold him together, Alex was crumbling to pieces. Because the realisation that you cannot live without someone is enough to shatter anyone into tiny bits, but the realisation that you need someone like you need oxygen, that part of you lies with them wherever you go, part of you lies with someone like Thomas, someone you can’t have, <em>that</em> realisation is enough to ruin worlds. And Alex’s world was ruined. </p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
<p></p><div><p>“Okay, well, not a lot of people know this but I don’t really care a whole deal about my job.” Alex said as they sat in Thomas’ huge garden on the picnic blanket, an array of sweet stuff between them. </p></div><div><p>“What? But you do your job ridiculously well, you work so hard at it, you worked so hard to get it?” Thomas looked over. Alex shrugged. </p></div><div><p>“Yeah well. I throw myself into it cause I just... I need something to focus on to quiet the noise in my head y’know?” Thomas did not know so he didn’t say anything. “I didn’t really ever mean to graduate so quickly but I never had a plan anyway. I took the highest paying job I could and it was just a nice coincidence it coincided with my skill set. I got myself the shittiest apartment on the market and my excuse was I couldn’t afford anything better. I mean, I couldn’t really but the real reason was so that if one day I decided to just pack a bag and take a train to nowhere I wouldn’t miss it. I wouldn’t be leaving too much behind.” </p></div><div><p>Alex glanced over at Thomas, then trailed his eyes back to the sky, to the moody looking grey clouds looming threateningly over them. “That’s what I really want to do. I want adventure. I don’t care about a job I don’t care about a house or money or a social standing, hell I don’t even care about stability. The only reason I ever went into the line of work I did was so that I could maybe make a difference but so many differences have been made already that mine won’t matter. I just dream of running away somewhere, seeing things, doing things just collecting experiences and I don’t even care about it being something huge, just so long as it’s something out of the ordinary... And I guess more and more lately I’ve wanted someone to come with me. I’ve wanted that person to come along, to hold my hand as we do something stupid and irresponsible but then still come home with me after for ages. We could watch a movie or cook something or whatever he wants. I just like being with him and I don’t really like acknowledging it but despite what I’ve wanted my entire life, I’ve found myself loving any moment of domesticity we get. With him, I can feel that rush of adrenaline I’m always chasing just from a look. With him I can feel... safe.” Thomas looked at him longingly but Alex misread. “Don’t look at me like that. I know it’s stupid okay, I know it’s unrealistic but I’m just a <em>kid,</em> I’m allowed to have stupid unrealistic dreams.” Alex shook his head, staring straight up. He threw a side glance over at Thomas and he didn’t like the sort of upset look on Thomas’ face. “‘M sorry. Only I could get defensive over a daydream.” Alex buried his head in his hands for a second. </p></div><div><p>“You planning on going around with your Wonder Boy?” Thomas asked, nudging him. Alex looked up, resting his chin on his forearms folded over his knees, tucked against his chest. </p></div><div><p>“Who?”</p></div><div><p>“The guy you were telling me about in that bar before we got here.” </p></div><div><p>“Oh! <em>Him</em>. Hey, I don’t think he’d appreciate you calling him a boy. He’d probably like the wonder bit though.” Alex said with a smile, looking over in time to catch Thomas’ eye roll. </p></div><div><p>“Yeah though. I wanna go with him. Which is double unrealistic cause I mean I could probably manage with escaping, I have nothing here really except my friends but they’d be fine. Him on the other hand, he has...” Alex looked around him, looking at this house, these grounds, all Thomas has that’s keeping him anchored here. “He has a lot to stay here for.” </p></div><div><p>“Well hey if he’s busy I’ll go with you,” Thomas said, tone light. </p></div><div><p>God Alex wished he’d just catch on already.</p></div><div><p>Alex gave a little laugh. “Thanks, Thomas.” They smiled, maybe not even at each other just at the situation, the feeling of the atmosphere around them. Everything. “So I crave adventure, something magic and exciting and new with my ‘Wonder Boy’ to come back to and cuddle with. What do you want?” Alex asked. Thomas hummed thoughtfully. </p></div><div><p>“I don’t really let myself think about these things. It’s just a downwards existential spiral. But I guess I want something... more. I want something huge that can distract me from reality for as long as possible. Just crazy spontaneity. And yeah, I guess I wouldn’t mind bringing <em>my</em> boy along too. I’m starting to believe it’s just the thing he’d like. But on the flip side, I just wanna keep him safe, I wanna look after him and make him feel protected and secure all the time. Cause I get the impression that he’s not really had that before. I wanna like pay for shit and drive him places and make sure he’s always okay cause I really fucking... I really love him. And he deserves to be okay, more than most people. I just wish he knew that. Hey, well I quite like the sound of your adventure, Hamilton, I might steal it.” Alex didn’t react like Thomas thought he would, with an eye roll, a sarcastic comment, maybe even a little smile. He didn’t react at all. He looked like he’d had a slap in the face, actually. </p></div></div><div>
  <p>Well Alex felt like he’d had a slap in the face. Thomas mentioning how much he loved his mystery boy had some sort of sobering effect on Alex, dragged him far enough from this perfect picture that he could see that the picture was just an illustration of a story. Some make believe fantasy that he’d be forced to forget in a day or two, something that wasn’t real. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Thomas was in love with someone and Alex was here, kissing him and crying into his shoulder on the floor of his kitchen and telling him his hopes and dreams and sleeping in his bed, in his clothes and it was fucking selfish. He was beginning to realise that he was a distraction at best, he wasn’t who Thomas really wanted and he was probably fucking with Thomas’ feelings. And it wasn’t fair because he was fucking with his own too. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“I’m sorry,” Alex had gotten all choked up and wow he was really doing an excellent job of not fucking things up. “We came because... because you needed a break and I... I’m being so selfish here and I... I’m sorry,” Alex rubbed at his eyes furiously. Thomas reached out for him, all concerned and loving and Alex would not allow himself this. He wouldn’t. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Alex-“ Alex pulled away from Thomas, pushed himself to his feet and shook his head, letting Thomas’ jacket that he had draped around his shoulders fall to the floor. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“I’m sorry I... I...” </p>
</div><div>
  <p>And as if Alex’s whole existence was just a really shitty movie, the murky sky above gave a great roll of thunder and the fucking heavens opened. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Alex froze, feeling as though his feet were rooted to the spot and for one terrifying moment, he was back, back home amongst the wreckage in Nevis and it felt like a heart attack. His nerves lit up, his vision went black and his mind went blank because fuck fuck fuck, <em>danger</em>. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Shit. Here? Now? <em>Really</em>? Fuck, he usually always had either John or Eliza with him during storms and shit and why the fuck had this come so unexpectedly? </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Alex? Alexander!” Alex heard everything like he was underwater for a second, Thomas’ steadying hands on his hips grounding him, dragging him back to the present. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Alex’ cloudy eyes cleared up, snapped back to reality and looked up at Thomas, all wide and panic stricken and the damn most scared Thomas had ever seen him. The poor fucking kid. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Alexander, are you okay?” Thomas asked urgently. Alex swayed on the spot for a split second before he gripped Thomas’ shoulders with all he had. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Please I-“ Alex blinked all frightened and seemingly paralysed as the warm rain dripped down his petrified little face and Thomas could fucking feel the poor kid trembling and he wanted nothing more than to wrap him up and kiss him better but <em>Alex had pulled away</em> and Thomas didn’t know where he stood anymore. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“<em>Thomas</em>,” </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Yes, right okay, sorry, come on let’s get you in,” Thomas wrapped his arm around Alex’s middle, grabbing his jacket off of the floor and swaddling Alex in it, leading them hastily back to the house.</p>
</div><div>
  <p>Thomas slammed the door as soon as they were inside, pulling Alex into him. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“God, are you alright?” He asked, petting Alex’s hair in any attempt to comfort him. “Oh baby are you okay?” Thomas pulled them into the huge living room, got Alex settled down on the couch and busied himself lighting the fire, making hot chocolate, getting Alex one of his sweaters. He was dashing about trying to warm up some apple pie for him when Alex shook his head.</p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Thomas?” Thomas whipped around. “Can you... can you just be with me? Please? Just for a while, just till I...” </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Yes, right yes of course sweetheart, here look,” Thomas sat next to Alex in an instant, pulling him close under his arm, Alex’s eyes glued to the fire, head against Thomas’ chest. “I’m sorry. I don’t really know what happened out there but I’m so sorry. You don’t deserve this,” Thomas murmured, noting how Alex’s breathing had steadied more, how he wasn’t shaking. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Just... just some flight or fight response to the thunder, I... I’m sorry you had to... I usually have one of my friends to put up with me this wasn’t meant to... fuck.” </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Hey hey hey, look none of this is a problem okay? This is okay, I promise. We can watch a movie, we can just talk, anything you like. This is all okay, I swear, you don’t need to explain yourself, you don’t need to apologise.” Thomas said firmly. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Alex shuffled so he could look up at him and he thanked whoever was listening that Thomas was as amazing as he was. </p>
</div><p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>hey so I touched on Alex’s ptsd bless him and I’m so sorry to anyone who suffers with it, it’s truly awful but I understand you and you’re never alone &lt;33<br/>Anyways that was that, my heart does kickflips when I get comments and kudos and things so I’m so thankful for u guys I love you millions ahah :))))<br/>I hope you have the best day<br/>Lots and lots and LOTS of love, willow xxx</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0016"><h2>16. A smiley face bandaid</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    
<p></p><div>
  <p>“Ooh, that’ll never fail to fuck me up,” Alex shuddered as they finished the Truman Show. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Tell me about it.” Thomas said, winding Alex’s hair around his fingers. “You feeling a little better now?” </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“I’m feeling a lot better now. I’m sorry I put you through that but thank you, Thomas.” Alex wound his arms loosely around Thomas’ neck, pulling himself up so he could kiss his nose. Thomas smiled at that, pressing them together for the sort of hug that’d make you go “awwwwe”. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>They lay there on Thomas’ couch, Alex laid on top of Thomas’ tummy, Thomas’ arms around his middle, a blanket draped around their feet and it looked like something you’d see on the cover of a movie. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“You hungry?” Thomas asked. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“A little.” </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Come on then,” Thomas wiggled his way out from under Alex, falling to the floor. Alex giggled and snaked his arms around Thomas’ shoulders again, pressing his face to the back of his neck. Thomas stood up and Alex yelped as he was pulled up too, flopping against Thomas’ back, scrambling to hold on. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“You idiot! You’re gonna break our necks you fucking-“ </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“I’ll drop you if you don’t shut up,” Thomas warned playfully, swatting best he could at Alex’s thigh. Alex bit Thomas’ shoulder gently in retaliation but Thomas let him off, shaking his head with a grin as they reached the kitchen.</p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Right, get off me,” Thomas said, attempting to jiggle Alex off of him. Alex stayed where he was, gripping fiercely with his arms and legs. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“I think I’ll stay here actually,” he said, nuzzling into Thomas shoulder. Thomas just rolled his eyes fondly and dug around in his cupboards, pulling things out and putting them on the table, Alex still draped across his back. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“What the...” Alex slid off of Thomas and miraculously, knowing him, landed on his feet. He assessed the food on the table and came to a realisation. “Master chef Thomas Jefferson is cooking us Mac n Cheese?” Alex asked, raising an eyebrow. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Best food going, without a doubt. That a problem with you, Hamilton?” Alex raised his hands in surrender. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“No problems here Mr chef.” </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Good. Now get to grating that cheese for me will you?” Thomas pushed down on Alex’s shoulders until he flopped onto the bench at the table and put a grater in front of him, patting his head. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“There’s my good boy. Tell me when you’ve got a decent pile?” </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Uhh-“ Alex’s brain function was slim to none. Thomas was just... he was unearthly. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Alex got himself to work on the cheese, just so he’d have something other than Thomas to focus on and had a near mountain of cheese by the time Thomas came over. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Nice one, Alex. Cmon, come help me stir all this in,” Alex nodded hazily, very distracted by Thomas’ shoulders. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Ngh,” Alex said very eloquently indeed. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Thomas laughed at him, leading him over to the stove. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Idiot,” he muttered with a smile. “Right Alex, this is a spoon,” he said, waving a wooden spoon in front of Alex’s face, pressing it into his hand. “I want you to stir this while I put the cheese in, okay honey?” His voice was all syrupy and condescending but Alex didn’t even have the heart to be offended or irritated, just started stirring, trying to stop remembering last nights... activities. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>He didn’t really know why these feelings had sprung on him so suddenly and he absolutely did mind but there wasn’t much he could do about it. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Here we go,” he said, dumping a handful of cheese into the pan. “You just keep stirring, I don’t want this all burning, okay?” Still with that stupid patronising voice.</p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Fuck you,” Alex said lazily, leaning back against Thomas’ chest. Thomas kissed his head. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Alex continued to stir until everything was all melted into a gloopy cheesy sauce. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Ooh,” he dipped his finger in and, like the idiot he was, forgot it was fucking boiling. He tore his hand away with a yelp, staring accusingly at the pan, flapping his hand wildly in attempt to rid himself of cheese sauce and in his hysteria, ended up slicing his other damn finger on the fucking cheese grater. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Fucking thing fucking burnt my fucking finger then fucking grated the fucker off!” Alex yelled, his voice high and affronted, thrusting his slightly cheesy finger and his other bloody one under Thomas’ nose.</p>
</div><div>
  <p>Thomas was struggling not to laugh. “The pan is still on the heat Alex you utter fucking moron and who the fuck do you know that could hurt themselves on a grater-“ Thomas couldn’t help snorting at Alex’s mouth all agape, his eyes wide and disbelieving as if it came as a shock that a stove would be hot, that a grater was sharp. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Jesus fucking hell, c’mere,” Thomas wheezed, pulling Alex into a cuddle after he turned the heat off, sucking the last of the cheese off of Alex’s finger and pulling him over to the tap, running his stupid fucking burnt finger under the cold water, instructing him to keep it there while he cleaned the other one up. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Never in my life have I met such an intelligent fucking empty headed dumb ass, Jesus Christ Alex how do you function on a day to day basis?”</p>
</div><div>
  <p>“With great difficulty,” Alex grumbled. Thomas laughed at him again and Alex smacked his shoulder, hissing when he hurt his finger again in the process. Thomas only laughed harder and Alex huffed indignantly.</p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Good god,” Thomas kissed him and it was so easy, like something they’d been doing their whole lives as he picked Alex up and popped him back down on top of the counter. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Here,” Thomas rummaged around in his drawers a second before emerging with a smiley face bandaid. He kissed Alex’s cut finger and wrapped it in the bandaid. “All better. I don’t really know what to do about the other one. Sorry,” </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“It’s okay, its not anything severe.” Alex mumbled, consumed by the closeness, Thomas stood between his legs, their foreheads almost touching, Alex the same height as Thomas, so close that Alex could lean forward and kiss him. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>And he did exactly that, leaning in ever so slowly so should Thomas want to, he had plenty of time to pull away. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>He didn’t, and Thomas tilted his head as he closed the gap, thrown back into the indescribable feeling of kissing Alex. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>It was slow and sweet and hesitant, both were slightly thrown off, not at all sure about the others feelings anymore, but both too scared to ask, to do anything that requires those terrifying, dangerous words they’d been avoiding. Alex hated how up and down his feelings were. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>This fucking hurt. This really really fucking hurt. Thomas was realising that he’d never let go of this feeling, he’d never recover from the wound that was Alexander, yet he’d need him forever. He and Alex were something so cinematic, so magical and one in a million that he knew, he fucking <em>knew</em> they were made for each other. He couldn’t stop thinking about it, he couldn’t stop overanalysing every second, he couldn’t stop staring. Because Alex was everything to him. Everything. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>He wished he’d never brought Alex home that night, wished he’d never brought him here, wished he’d never kissed him. Because he hated knowing this happiness was temporary, he’d rather be pining for something he’d never get than having it, having Alexander and leaving him behind. He wished they’d stayed strangers. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Alex wondered how he always ended up here, how he always ended up putting his heart in Thomas’ hands when all he wanted was to try and protect it. Alex broke away, choked up.</p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Can we skip the part when I tell you that... that I...” Alex said, voice thick. “I just want... you. Only you, for always. But I can’t... I can’t say... I can’t tell you that... that I... I- because... because <em>I do</em> and... and it’s terrifying because I know that... I know you don’t and that’s okay, that’s okay but I... I just... You changed me, turned me into... into yours, I can’t...” Alex shut his eyes, pushing his forehead against Thomas’. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“What?” Thomas thought that he knew what Alex was talking about but... he couldn’t. He couldn’t. Could he? No. No, absolutely not, Alex didn’t... Alex wasn’t saying that he... </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Was he? </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Alex are you saying you... Alex?” Thomas asked, cradling Alex’s face. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Alex looked at him, looked so scared and hesitant and somehow determined and Thomas couldn’t help falling again. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Alex nodded slowly, and Thomas obviously couldn’t be sure what he meant, but he thought he had a pretty good idea. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Okay. Okay, yeah.” He breathed.</p>
</div><div>
  <p>Alex kissed him again, just so they’d both be forced to shut up, to not say more than they already had. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Alex couldn’t be sure he’d survive whatever Thomas was going to say, wasn’t even sure he could survive what he himself had said. Alex pulled back again, kissing the corner of, Thomas’ mouth, the tip of his nose, his cheek, his jaw, his neck, everywhere, tangling his hands in his hair, squeezing his eyes shut as he tried to ignore the tears threatening him, just wanting <em>closer</em>. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Thomas,” he sobbed quietly into Thomas’ shoulder. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Oh, Alexander...” he whispered, pulling him forward till you couldn’t fit a knife between them. God and he never wanted to let go.</p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Hey, this is fucking good,” Alex said through a mouthful of mac n cheese. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Thomas only looked at him, quiet and subdued. Alex furrowed his eyebrows, frowning as he swallowed his food. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“You okay, Tommy?” He asked. Thomas hated how they were ignoring what they’d said, they were ignoring that Alex wasn’t okay, that he’d been crying desperately into Thomas’ shoulder because of a word he refused to say, how they were ignoring that they’d kissed like it was keeping them alive. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Thomas nodded, poking at his pasta, not looking at Alex, trying not to think too hard about the distance he’d put between them, physical and otherwise. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Thomas, c’mon, what’s wrong?” Alex asked, head tilted to the side. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Alex wasn’t okay. Thomas knew he wasn’t okay, so why the fuck was he acting like this? Why the fuck was he pretending like everything was fine when they both knew it wasn’t? Thomas was there for him, there to try and make him better but Alex was just putting on a front and it riled Thomas up. Alex was so up and down, he had pulled away and then put everything into a kiss, he was laughing one minute and crying the next and every bit of contact, hell every look seemed to change him in some way and Thomas didn’t know why. Didn’t know how he could help. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Nothing.” Thomas didn’t want to get angry at Alex, didn’t want to end their last full day on a bad note. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Thomas-“</p>
</div><div>
  <p>“I said <em>nothing</em>, Alexander,” He said, louder than he wanted to. He shook his head, trying to calm himself down. He knew he had no logical reason to be angry at Alex, he knew he didn’t but it wasn’t really helping him in that moment. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>He looked over at Alex, a muscle jumping in his jaw and Alex blinked, setting down his near empty bowl. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Okay.” he mumbled. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“No, Alex I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to-“</p>
</div><div>
  <p>“No it’s fine. It’s fine,” Alex smiled but it didn’t reach his eyes. “Hey, uh why don’t we go for a drink?” </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Thomas stared for a moment. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“I’ve got drinks here.” He said finally. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“No I know but, y’know. We can stay here if you want, I just thought we could do with going out.” Alex looked down. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Thomas continued to look at him for a short while. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Yeah, okay. Okay, let’s go out,” Thomas said, forcing a smile. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Really?” Alex seemed happier at least, that perked Thomas up a bit, made his gloomy mood be a bit less gloomy. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Yeah, really. C’mon,” Thomas laughed, pulling Alex under his arm. “My little gremlin,” Alex giggled. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Okay okay, I’m gonna go change, I’ll see you in a second,” Alex said, standing up and pressing a quick goodbye kiss to Thomas’ lips, quick and natural. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Thomas smiled to himself, his shitty mood lifting. He could talk to Alex about real things later, right now they deserved a little fun. </p>
</div>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>hiiiiii so I hope u liked :)))) <br/>I’m really tired so I’m keeping this short lol but I love and appreciate all of you and any comments or kudos I get make my day &lt;3333<br/>~willow xxx</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0017"><h2>17. A paper umbrella</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    
<p></p><div>
  <p>“Okay how do I look?” Alex came down the stairs like a girl on prom night in a cheesy teen movie wearing a baby blue shirt of Thomas’ and a pair of his own jeans, half of his hair scooped on top of his head. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Like a pretty little so and so in my clothes,” Thomas said, leaning against the front door. Alex shot him a look because for the first time since Friday he was actually wearing an item of his own. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“You’re adorable, as always. Now, do you want one of my jackets?”</p>
</div><div>
  <p>“It’s the middle of summer in Virginia, I think I’ll be fine,” Alex said, walking out of the door and onto the huge drive. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Lead the way, Mr Jefferson,” Alex said, waiting for Thomas’ heavy arm around his middle. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>He sighed happily when he felt it, leaning into Thomas and letting himself be walked into the unknown, looking up at the bright pink sky, at Thomas, at everything so full of wonder. Thomas felt a warmth through the ache, felt that feeling you get when you realise how happy you are, a feeling that pulls you from a moment just to make you smile. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Alex skipped ahead after a few minutes, flinging his arms in the air, throwing his head back to stare at the sky as he stumbled along the path, Thomas’ eyes on him. Alex danced a few feet in front of Thomas, sometimes looking up, sometimes looking at Thomas, sometimes walking forwards, sometimes walking backwards and it really was like something you’d find in a collection of polaroids. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Thomas wondered vaguely how someone so magical could exist, how despite everything he’d been through, hell, everything <em>Thomas</em> put him through, he was still here with that wide smile and his sparkling eyes, looking up and up endlessly. Alex was perfect. He was so fucking perfect and Thomas would never ever forget it. </p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“I don’t wanna fucking go back to shitty fucking work,” Alex grumbled, sipping his orange juice and spinning around slightly in his bar stool. “I just wanna stay here. Well, not here here, but Monticello. Forever.” </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“This’ll cheer you up,” Thomas said, popping a little paper umbrella into his drink. Alex fought a smile. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“<em>No</em>, what’d cheer me up is being able to drink. Fucking stupid place,” Alex said, loud enough that the bartender glared at them. Thomas grinned apologetically and smacked Alex’s arm gently. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Not their fault you’re too damn cute to pass for over 21,” Thomas cooed, grabbing his cheeks and squashing them together slightly, definitely diluting Alex’s glare. Thomas released him with a laugh and kissed him. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Stupid,” Alex murmured. Thomas smiled. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>And then Thomas very quickly did the opposite of smile when three distressing looking fucks came ambling over. Thomas tensed, seeing them over Alex’s head and they were probably homophobic pricks who were looking for trouble. Shit. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Hey there, excuse me?” Dickwad number one said, leaning in too close to Alex, tapping his shoulder. Alex jolted and spun around. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Wha-?” </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“I don’t mean to be a bother honey, but you’re lookin... pretty.” He licked his lips and Alex tried not to gag, glancing over his shoulder at Thomas. He was trying to put a brave face on, but Thomas could see past that, see the nerves. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Thomas wouldn't have placed Dickwad number one that much older than himself, late 20’s maybe early 30’s. The fuck was he doing, bothering a kid in a bar when he clearly was not up for grabs? </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Oh... uh-” Alex swallowed, bouncing his leg. He was nervous, jittery. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“He’s accounted for,” Thomas cut in, voice like ice cold steel and Alex frowned at him though Thomas didn’t look back, too busy death staring these fucking pricks. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Hey, I can handle myself,” Alex hissed. Thomas met his eyes, not missing Alex’s angry blush, his clenched fists <em>or</em> the panic in his eyes. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Do you wanna have to?” He shot back, hating the way these fucking imbeciles were watching with amused smirks, hating the somewhat hungry look the first one had as he stared at Alex with blatant intent. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“<em>I can handle myself</em>, Jefferson.” Alex growled, determined. “And you,” Alex turned around in his chair to face the still too close man. “Can fuck right off,” he said firmly, taking a drink of his orange juice, missing the extremely dark look Thomas had behind him. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Awe, don’t be like that darlin, we just want some fun,” Said the man with a wink, his two scarier looking friends looming behind him. He trapped his tongue between his teeth in a smirk and okay, maybe he was the sorta guy Alex might’ve gone for had he been drunk and alone, but he was neither of those things. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Well then you can find it elsewhere, <em>thanks</em>. I’m taken.” Alex said which wasn’t really true but if it got rid of these asshats then who fucking cared. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“I’m sure we can <em>arrange</em>-“</p>
</div><div>
  <p>“He said he’s fucking taken, now fuck off or else we’re gonna have a problem,” Thomas threatened, standing up and dropping his hand to Alex’s thigh protectively. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Alex glanced down at Thomas’ hand, back up and Thomas and glared. Okay, Thomas knew Alex wanted to settle things himself but come <em>on</em>. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Hey, no need to be a little bitch about it,” Dickwad number one laughed condescendingly and Thomas’ fingers dug into Alex’s thigh, he wanted nothing more than to step in and protect Alex forever and ever cause he hated the humiliated little scowl on his face, the way he curled into himself defensively and man oh man how he wished he could deal with these fucking assholes himself. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Yeah, you’re right.” Alex said quietly, ducking his head as some show of submission. Dickwad one raised an eyebrow and Thomas looked down at Alex, angry that he was stepping down, that Alex’d ever let anyone talk to him like that, that Alex hadn’t let Thomas protect him, instead choosing to fucking roll over. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“So why the fuck are you so insistent on being a little bitch about it?” Alex dragged his eyes up to meet dickwad one’s and Thomas whooped inwardly. Thomas could tell Alex was scared but he had Thomas staring daggers at everyone from behind him, he was okay and he was doing a fucking excellent job of being Thomas’ little badass. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Fuck, Thomas was so proud of him. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Alex grinned and the corner of Thomas’ lip twitched triumphantly. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Dickwad one growled and took a step closer, fists clenched and teeth gritted but Thomas took a little step forward too and it was glaringly obvious who’d win should they fight. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Look, Alex was undoubtedly very hot and bothered by protective Thomas and he appreciated Thomas having his back but he could fucking look after himself god damnit, he didn’t need Thomas to stand up for him. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Leave him the fuck alone,” Thomas said and Alex stood up too. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Yeah, leave me the fuck alone,” Alex tried to sound intimidating but appeared to have lost his bite and turned to glower at Thomas as soon as the men made their merry way back to their table, obviously laughing at poor helpless little Alex who needed Big Strong Alpha Thomas to fight all his battles for him. Fuck that noise. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“I told you, I can fucking take care of myself,” he said angrily, eyes glinting before he turned and marched straight out of the bar and outside. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Thomas saw the group of dickwads look at the door and fuck, okay Alex wasn’t safe on his own out there. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Shit,” he muttered, grabbing 20 dollars from his pocket and putting it on the bar, quickly thanking the bartender, grabbing Alex’s paper umbrella, shoving it in his pocket and hastily making his way out. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Alex?” </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“‘M here. I fucking told you I can-“ Thomas cut him off with a kiss, hot and urgent, pushing Alex roughly against the uneven brick walls of the side of the building. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Well,” Alex said breathlessly when they finally tore apart. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“You can’t fucking keep yourself safe Alex,” Thomas growled. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Can too-“ Thomas put a finger to his lips. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“No you fucking can’t. You can’t and you’re just a fucking kid you have no idea what they... what could’ve happened to you if you didn’t let me protect you, if you were on your own.” Thomas said, voice low because this had come far too close to something devastating, thank you very much. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“‘M not some fucking dame that needs protecting, Jefferson,” Alex huffed but the fight was bleeding out of him with every word. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Thomas shook his head, trying to not think about how if the circumstances were a tiny bit different, if maybe Thomas had been in the bathroom or something, how drastically different things could’ve turned out.</p>
</div><div>
  <p>“I’m not saying that, I’m saying you’re fucking tiny and you’re young and you talk big game but they could’ve done what the fuck they wanted with you and what could you have done to stop it? Huh?” </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Thomas, I-“ </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“No, Alexander you’re not listening to me. I’m trying to keep you safe and I can’t do that if you storm off or if you get yourself fucking killed behind a bar somewhere because you didn’t let someone else handle it, because you didn’t shut the fuck up,” Thomas said, gesturing to where they were stood. Alex looked around them, staring to look fearful, lip starting to tremble. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Thomas...” </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“I don’t wanna upset you and believe me I do not wanna ruin this but I care more about you being safe, being alive than anything else. Okay? I can’t...” Thomas shut his eyes tight, lips hovering over Alex’s. “I can’t loose you,” he whispered. Alex leaned forward to kiss Thomas gently. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“You won’t. I’m sorry, I was being stupid and irrational and I should’ve just let you handle it.” Thomas hesitated. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“You can put them in their place by all fucking means and I’m so proud of you for standing up to them,” Thomas kissed the top of Alex’s head. “I just can’t stop thinking about how things could’ve turned out. I don’t want anything to happen to you.”</p>
</div><div>
  <p>Alex nodded and Thomas sighed. Alex tucked himself against Thomas’ side as they made their way back to Monticello, Thomas cooling off now it was just Alex and him. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Now, what d’you think to drinks back at mine and stargazing, hm? It’s cleared up nicely after earlier, see, not a cloud in the sky.” Thomas said. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Alex looked up with a smile. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Drinks and stargazing it is.” </p>
</div>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Heyyy so I touched up on Alex getting harassed at the bar in this chapter because as a woman I think that it’s something that we often go though, my fellow ladies will understand, and I don’t think the way it can affect not only the victim but potentially their relationships is touched on enough so I thought I’d throw that in there lol :))) <br/>Anyway, a huge thanks to the commenters who are making my life worth living lol honestly you guys just- <br/>UGH <br/>There are a few names I see a lot that just make my heart flutter &lt;3333<br/>I love you all so so so much and I hope you have the best day!!! <br/>-willow xxx</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0018"><h2>18. Drinks and Stargazing</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    
<p></p><div>
  <p>“Thomas, you’re the damn fucking... fuckin,” Alex slurred. “Fuckin hottest dude alive,” he hiccuped, taking another swig out of Thomas’ whiskey bottle. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Hey, I think you’ve had enough,” he said, gently pulling the bottle from him. Alex shook his head.  </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“No, no I’m telling you something Tommy and you’re gonna listen to me,” Alex said, pointing his finger over at Thomas, sat on the balcony outside of Thomas’ bedroom, laid up facing the stars. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Okay, okay. I’m listening.” </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Good boy,” Alex said, blushing scarlet immediately after. “I get so many butterflies when you say that to me,” he giggled drunkenly. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“That so?”</p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Fuck yeah that is so! You are just... you’re just so fucking hot Thomas. Jesus Christ it sets my bones on fire, I can’t even. And <em>that’s</em> why it’s so shocking that you don’t have your mystery boy in your bed instead of stupid fuckin, fuckin me!” he stumbled over his words. “I mean... you’re- holy fucking fuck? You can have anyone the fuck you want,” </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Thomas shrugged. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Why the fuck don’t you?” </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Thomas stared for a moment. “I do.” Alex was all Thomas wanted and here he was. Life was good, albeit a tad painful. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Huh?” </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Thomas shook his head. “I think maybe letting you drink was a bad idea, hm?”</p>
</div><div>
  <p>“‘M not <em>that</em> drunk,” Alex said, draping himself over Thomas. “I’m just drunk enough to distract myself.” He said, settling into a more comfortable position where his head was between Thomas’ shoulder and his head, laid so that they looked like the hands on a clock at 3, reaching out and grabbing Thomas’ hand. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“What’re you distracting yourself from?” Thomas asked. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“I got weird earlier because you told me how much you love your boy and I... I dunno. Didn’t like it.” </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Why not?” Thomas asked, looking at their intertwined fingers rather than the sky. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Alex sighed, long and warbled. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Because, Thomas...” he sat up, cross legged and Thomas followed suit, facing him so their knees touched. “I want you to love <em>me</em>, not him,” Alex murmured, looking wide eyed up at Thomas, squeezing his hand. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Okay. Okay, shit, okay. Thomas wasn’t allowed to think too hard about this, he wasn’t allowed to read into it. Alex was drunk, <em>Alex was drunk</em>. He didn’t mean it. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Thomas tried for a laugh but it wasn’t happening. “Yeah?” He went for instead, voice hoarse. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Alex sighed dramatically. “Yeah. It’s stupid, I know, to be jealous of someone when I don’t even know who they are. But hey,” Alex winked and Thomas tensed as he leaned forward. “I don’t think he’s quite as <em>close</em> to you as I am, huh?” Alex grinned, leaning forward, his face all flushed and Thomas wondered what the consent laws were here. He obviously knew he wouldn’t let them sleep together, not in <em>that</em> way, but was a kiss okay?</p>
</div><div>
  <p>Fuck it, Alex had gone all in, not much he could do about it now. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Alex,” Thomas broke away a tad breathless. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Thomas,” Alex purred, leaning forward more. Alex could see how much Thomas wanted, how much he was holding himself back. “I’m not that drunk,” he said quietly, leaning in to peck at Thomas’ neck. “And I <em>want you</em>,” </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“How could I have guessed you’re a slutty drunk?” Thomas said, biting back a groan when Alex straddled him, sucking a decent mark into his neck. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“I’m a slutty sober too,” Alex laughed quietly against Thomas’ jaw. “Especially for you,” he grinned. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Thomas tilted his head back, staring at the sky as he let Alex mark him up, trying not to take anything Alex said to heart. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Yeah, as much as I’m enjoying the show Alex, and <em>believe</em> me, I’m fucking enjoying the show, you’re drunk, okay, baby? We can’t...” Thomas pushed Alex away gently. “We can’t do anything.” </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“I am not that fucking drunk, Thomas,” Alex repeated, rocking his hips slightly against Thomas’ stomach and Thomas‘ fingers drew into fists. “I’m barely more than tipsy and I’m saying that <em>I want you</em>,” </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Alex-“ Thomas tried weakly. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“What if I ask nicely? You like it when I ask nicely for you, don’t you?” Alex leaned forward again, kissing Thomas’ neck. “Pretty,” He kissed Thomas’ jaw. “Pretty,” The corner of his lips. “Please?” </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Fuck.” </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Alex grinned. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Alex,” Thomas tried again, hands firmly on his hips as to stop him getting closer. “We can’t,” he whispered. “Come on, I’m getting you showered and put to bed. Come on,” Thomas said, shimmying out from under Alex and reaching a hand down to help Alex up. Alex huffed but took it. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Thomas walked them back into the bedroom and Alex really wasn’t as drunk as Thomas thought he was and so it was easy to walk in a straight line, easy to kick his shoes and socks off, to wiggle out of his jeans and pull his shirt off. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Alex sauntered towards the bathroom with a deliberate swing to his hips, not missing Thomas’ sharp intake of breath at the sight of the bruises on his hips, the hickeys on his shoulders. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Alex grinned over his shoulder as he leant on the bathroom doorframe. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Catching flies are you Tommy?” He asked sweetly. Thomas’ mouth snapped shut. “Care to join me?” Alex asked, nodding towards the shower. Thomas hesitated but really wasn’t comfortable with any kinda dub-con and Alex was drunk, so finally shook his head slowly. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Alex shrugged and blew him a kiss, leaving the bathroom door open, clearly an invitation. Thomas was ever so sad he had to resist. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>He poured himself a glass of whiskey and pulled a football jersey from his closet for Alex, deciding to just tug his shirt off and roam in his sweatpants. </p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Alex emerged from the shower around fifteen minutes later by which time Thomas was just coming upstairs with a selection of confectionary, blankets and some sodas. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“You okay?” </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Freezing.” Alexander grumbled darkly. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Huh?”</p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Took a fucking cold shower didn’t I? Fucking hell. I can assure you I’m sobered up now. Fuck.” Alex shuddered, wrapping his arms around himself, wearing nothing but his boxers. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Here,” Thomas chuckled, dumping the midnight feast on the bed and passing Alex his jersey, trying to keep his eyes from roaming. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Thanks, Thomas,” Alex smiled, pulling it on and sighing. “Wondrous. What’s all this?” He asked, looking at the stuff on the bed. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Midnight feast,” Thomas grinned. </p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“What do you think we’d be doing right now if I hadn’t have kissed you?” Alex asked as they sat in the same spot they’d slow danced, remains of food surrounding them, a huge blanket draped over their shoulders.  </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Same thing really cause I would’ve just kissed you.” Thomas said. Alex hummed and slid down so his head was in Thomas’ lap, curling his knees up to his chest. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“You’re lovely and warm.” He mumbled happily. “You’re just lovely. So so lovely.” Thomas blushed, hard. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Shut up.” He muttered. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“I don’t think I will. I think you’re so beautiful and so lovely and so sweet and so damn adorable. And that’s only coming out of my mouth because none of this feels real enough to have real consequences.” Alex sighed with a smile. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Thomas looked down at him and they knew. They knew what they should be saying, even if they tried to ignore it.</p>
</div><div>
  <p>Alex broke eye contact to yawn, big and cute like a kitten and Thomas petted his hair fondly. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“I think it’s time we get you to bed hm?” Alex shook his head. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“No. We can sleep in the car tomorrow and take turns to drive or something, I don’t care, I can’t waste tonight. I can’t. I do not want this to end, okay?” He said, sitting up, kneeling so his knees touched Thomas’ thighs. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Thomas smiled. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“One flaw in your plan: you absolutely are not driving my car.” Alex’s mouth dropped open in protest. “Nope, fuck that. I’m your designated driver not because I care about your wellbeing and safety, oh no, it’s so that you never have to drive my fucking car, Hamilton. I can drive us it’s fine, don’t worry about it.” Alex scowled but wasn’t actually angry. Thomas loved that little scowl, and was dumbfounded, if by nothing else by the sheer affection he had for the kid. He’d never been so fond of someone in his life, and that was just the tip of the fucking iceberg. “I don’t want this to end either.” he said softly, pulling Alex under his arm. Alex nuzzled into him. “But we probably really should get to bed.” </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Alex nodded in reluctant agreement around another yawn and Thomas cleared everything away hastily before taking Alex’s hand and leading them back to his bed. </p>
</div><p><br/>“Thomas, I’d like you to know that while I’m probably not gonna admit this again, this truly was the best weekend ever. Ever ever.” He reached his hand from under the covers to stroke at Thomas’ cheek from where they lay, facing each other in the dark. <br/>“Ever ever.” Thomas agreed, wrapping an arm around Alex’s middle to pull him closer and brought his free hand up between them. <br/>He cupped Alex’s chin, running his thumb ever so slightly over Alex’s lips and Alexander just stared at him with wide shining eyes, parting his lips for him. Thomas leaned up on his elbow so that he was leant over Alex and bent down to kiss him, soft and slow and gentle and so fitting to the moment. As much as Thomas hated it, this was a goodbye kiss. <br/>Alex kept his eyes shut after Thomas pulled away, kept his arms around his neck and Alex was the one to pull them so tight together this time and something about that warmed Thomas. <br/>“Goodnight, Thomas.” <br/>“G’night. My little one in a million.” Thomas smiled as Alex kissed his shoulder before he fell asleep and Thomas stayed awake a little longer just to commit every detail to memory, how small and soft Alex was in his arms, Alex’s shallow breathing on his collarbones, the feeling of hugging another human all warm and safe. <br/>Fuck, Thomas really wasn’t gonna be okay without this. </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Two chapters in 10 minutes? <br/>It’s more likely than you think </p>
<p>Ilysm &lt;3333<br/>-willow :) </p>
<p>P.S I have plans that’ll end up making this fic like,,,,,, really long........ how’re we feeling about that??? If you’re getting bored I could always whip up a quick ending??? But like???? Idk???? Let me know pls lol</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0019"><h2>19. Who’s Alex?</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    
<p></p><div>
  <p>Alex woke up to an empty bed and, of course, began to panic immediately.  </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Thomas?” There were footsteps immediately, thank fuck, and Thomas walked into the room, glasses on, hair up, in loose clothes and Alex was stuck between holy fuck, take me now and oh my god, what a baby. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>He stayed stuck. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Thomas smiled gently and Alex’s heart caught. Fuck. Alex smiled back, hair falling in his face. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“You alright?” Thomas asked. Alex nodded.</p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Just wondered where you were,” he said. Thomas glanced at the bed. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“I was hoping to be back before you woke up,” he said. Alex’s smile only grew. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“That’s adorable.” He said sincerely. Thomas shook his head, coming around to Alex’s side of the bed. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Watch the morning breath,” Alex mumbled sleepily. Thomas hummed but didn’t go in for a kiss like Alex expected him to. He instead opened his arms and Alex only waited a moment to stare in absolute awe before he crawled right into him.</p>
</div><div>
  <p>And yeah, they’d hugged before but this felt different. This felt like a familiar song, a childhood teddy, like home. Alex had his arms around Thomas’ chest, Thomas’ arms around Alex’s neck. Like a <em>hug</em> hug. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“I fucking...” love you. Alex stopped himself. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Give over, Alex. Don’t fuck things up, not now. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Hm?” </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Alex shook his head. “Thank you.” He whispered. “You brought me on an adventure and I’ve loved it.” Thomas kissed his head. “Congratulations, you’re now closer to me than almost everyone.” He mumbled. “Sorry about that,” he laughed. Thomas shook his head. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“My little idiot.” He breathed. Alex shut his eyes tight. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Indeed.” he said and Thomas huffed out a little laugh. “I’m gonna go get dressed. I’ll see you in a minute,” Alex said, pulling away from Thomas. Thomas stayed where he was, nodding. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Alex smiled and ambled into the bathroom, grabbing his own pair of shorts and Thomas’ William and Mary sweater off of the floor on his way. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>He brushed his teeth, pulled his clothes on, brushed his hair out and decided to leave it down, keeping his hair tie on his wrist. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>He walked back into the bedroom but Thomas wasn’t there. Alex stumbled out into the landing and after not immediately finding Thomas he sunk down to his knees, looking around with adoration, drinking it in while he has the chance. All high ceilings and beautiful art and intricate design everywhere. Fuck, Alex really was gonna miss this place. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“You alright there?” Thomas nudged him in the side gently with his foot, trying to cram some clothes into a bag. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Alex looked up at him. “Can we not just stay here? Like, forever?” He pouted. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Thomas laughed. “I wish. I would give almost anything to just run away from everything, hole up here.” He sighed longingly, smiling down at Alex and really, it shouldn’t affect Alex this much, having a smile directed at him, not after everything, but it did. Oh, it really really did. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>He hauled himself up and stared at Thomas for a moment, positively beaming, watching a confused smile start to spread across Thomas’ face before absolutely fucking launching himself at him, flinging his arms around poor unsuspecting Thomas’ neck, jumping so his feet weren’t even on the ground and it was the fiercest most genuine hug ever. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Thomas stumbled back a bit, regaining his balance before wrapping his arms tight around Alex’s middle, laughing quietly. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Thank you,” Alex whispered with the biggest smile, squeezing his eyes shut and it truly was so innocent and pure and sweet and wonderful and Alex felt like they’d been best friends their whole lives. “For everything.” His toes were barely brushing the ground, and he pulled back in Thomas’ iron grip just enough to grin and press a kiss to his cheek. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>I love you. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>It’d be the perfect bittersweet ending to a perfect bittersweet weekend. Alex knew it wasn’t happening, never ever, but it was interesting to think about as he nestled further into Thomas’ shoulder. </p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“I’m gonna really fucking miss you, y’know.” Alex murmured, stroking Thomas’ knuckles with his thumb, watching Monticello disappear into the distance with a horrible melancholy settling over him. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Miss me? You’ll see me again tomorrow. And the day after. And the day after. Why will you miss me?” </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Because it won’t be the same, Thomas. You know it won’t.” Alex said quietly. Thomas looked over briefly and that felt like a stab in the gut. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Yeah. Yeah, I guess you’re right.” He said, hands tightening on the wheel. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“I’m gonna miss you too.” Thomas sighed. Alex shook his head. He couldn’t do this now. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>They were quiet for a while before Alex spoke up again. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Yknow I haven’t looked at my phone this whole weekend. Not once.” </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Huh,” Thomas said softly. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Probably have about 14 million missed calls from Eliza. Fuck,” Alex grumbled, releasing Thomas’ hand to pull his phone and his glasses out of his bag. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Return of the adorable glasses,” Thomas said gleefully. Alex rolled his eyes but put them on anyway. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“You’re a dumbass,” Alex teased. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“And you’re the fucking cutest person on the planet,” Thomas responded happily. Alex grinned over, putting the glasses he now felt a lot better about wearing on. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Shittt,” he groaned. “There’s around 6 million notifications, look at the state of this,” Alex grumbled. “John, Laf, Herc, Peggy, fuck, plenty from Peggy, Jesus, Eliza, Maria, ah! Yay even Angelica! Uh, Washington? The fuck could he want? Ooh, look at this, even Aaron, the whole shabang. My my. I didn’t know they cared.” Alex sighed dramatically. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Every fucking person who’s ever met you cares about you, shut up.” </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Even you?” </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“<em>Especially</em> me.” Alex hummed happily, scrolling through his phone. Thomas looked over at his little distracted face and he grinned, not for the first time wishing he could take a picture. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“John is a sweetheart really. I wish you two were friends,” Alex murmured. Thomas rolled his eyes but not even fucking fucking Laurens could ruin his mood. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Sure thing.” </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Hey if you were to marry into my friendship group somehow,” Alex mused. “Who’re you marrying to get in?” </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“You, obviously.” Thomas said without missing a beat. Alex blushed, ignored the butterflies in his tummy. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“No, not me, idiot,” Thomas looked over, an eyebrow raised, smirking at Alex’s bright blush. “Someone else.” </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Hm. I don’t know. Laf? I know him best. Maybe Peggy. I like Peggy.” </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Everyone likes Peggy. I guess I’d have no choice but to marry Madison. Terrible really.” </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“You’d be lucky to have him,” Thomas said as they turned a sharp bend and he leant around a little and Alex was a horny bastard at the best of times but honestly, he’d never expect someone simply driving a car to be so fucking hot.</p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Can’t I just marry you instead?” Alex whined. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Oh so I have to marry someone else but you get to marry me? Outrageous.” </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Please?” </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Thomas looked over with a grin at Alex’s very good puppy eyes. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“You <em>know</em> I’d love to marry you, Alex.” Thomas cooed and Alex noticed his accent start to slip away. </p>
</div><div>
  <p><em>The beginning of the end</em>, he thought gloomily.</p>
</div><div>
  <p>“That’s not the impression I got,” he said just to be difficult, trying to hide his smile when Thomas looked over. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Thomas quirked an eyebrow. “Oh, and what impression did you get, Alexander? Because the only impression I’ve been trying to give is that I absolutely wanna marry you,” Thomas said (<em>totallyyy</em>) jokingly, looking over in time to catch Alex whip his head around to stare out of the window in order to hide his blush. “Awe, you embarrassed baby?”</p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Shut the fuck up Jefferson. As if I’d <em>ever</em> actually wanna marry you,” Alex huffed, pretending to ignore the way his whole ass head, neck and chest were burning up. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Thomas threw a packet of skittles at Alex’s head. “Don’t be so rude. You wish you could be my wife.” </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Miss me with that heteronormative bullshit a-thank you very much,” Alex popped a skittle in his mouth. Thomas glanced over and opened his mouth too. Alex rolled his eyes but grabbed around 4, sprinkling them into Thomas’ mouth. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Delightful.” </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Ew, absolutely the fuck not, they’re all yellow ones you freak,” Alex grimaced. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“They’re great! A skittle is a skittle,” </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“That’s not- you're a walking talking nightmare.” Alex said, leaning his chair back and taking ahold of Thomas’ hand again, sighing in contentment. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“What’s everyone said?”</p>
</div><div>
  <p>“What?” </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Yknow,” Thomas nodded down at Alex’s phone. “Texts. Your millions of texts.” </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Oh! Yeah, right I forgot to actually check, I read one from John then I saw a picture of Chris Evans and you just <em>know</em> it was the best distraction ever,” Alex mumbled absently, tapping around. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Okay, Laf asks where the fuck I am, then John told him I’m with you, he asked if I got some,” Alex nudged Thomas with a stupid big smile on his face. “Oh ho ho, <em>did I</em>?” Alex wiggled his eyebrows with an over exaggerated wink and Thomas couldn’t help bursting out laughing. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“You’re a fucking imbecile,” he laughed. Alex grinned. “Laf carries on like that for a while, Eliza’s worried for a bit and then Laf told her I was with you ha! Apparently she had Madison the whole weekend, she dropped him at work this morning, yada yada, uhh, they’re all pretty much the same, John says sorry, Herc just complaining about his thumbs being too big again, Ang really doesn’t approve, yikes I’m gonna get a lecture for that, um, Peggy is excited for me,” </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Excited for you?”</p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Excited I got a get away,” Alex waved his hand dismissively, brushing Thomas off and pretending like they didn’t know the real reason. “Um, here now Aaron..? What could he want? ‘You’re not at work?’ ‘Are you okay, I could bring some soup over’ awe that’s actually kinda nice,” </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“I didn’t know the two of you were close.” Thomas said, settling back a little now they were just on a long stretch of straight empty road. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Neither did I. I don’t even know if we can really consider ourselves friends anymore, it’s just when I got drunk in college I’d usually end up in Hercules’ room and he shared with Aaron, and then Aaron would make us soup for our hangover,” Alex smiled fondly at the memories. “Anyway, oh look, just now. Uh, ‘Jefferson isn’t here either?’ ‘Ah, okay, just asked Madison’” Alex laughed. “Oh man there is gonna be gossip tomorrow,” </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Thomas grinned. “Probably. What’re you betting on someone getting it right?” </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Hm. Depends what we’re classing as right. I don’t think anyone’s gonna guess I dragged you on a like 8 hour drive to your fucking mansion, are they? They’ll probably guess we were together though... Okay, I’ll bet you 20 bucks everyone figures out we fucked, I mean look at this,” Alex pulled down the collar of Thomas’ shirt to reveal his slightly... messy neck and Thomas blushed. Alex got a warm sweet feeling in his tummy cause he was making Thomas blush and that was beyond adorable. “You are so fucking cute when you blush,” Alex sighed dreamily. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Shut the fuck up, Hamilton.” Thomas grumbled, trying to look away. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“I must say, you made quite a mess of me,” Alex said casually as he inspected his marks in the mirror, running his fingers over them thoughtfully. Thomas had to physically force his eyes back to the road to check they were still on track before he could look back at Alex doing... that.</p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Jesus fuck, Alex-” Thomas croaked. Alex licked his lips and tilted his head back just a tiny fraction, fingers still brushing lightly over his neck. Alex hummed contemplatively, a smile pulling at the corners of his lips as his head fell back against the seat, shutting his eyes for a second. “Are you trying to fucking kill me?” Thomas really was having a hard time here. He had half a mind to pull over and just fuckin-</p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Just admiring.” Alex shrugged, opening his eyes and sitting back up again as if everything was normal. “You did good, Tommy.” Alex patted Thomas’ cheek and Thomas didn’t know he could actually blush this hard. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Do you ever just shut up?” Thomas asked. Alex grinned. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“You know that the answer is no.” Thomas shook his head. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“I wouldn’t take you any other way,” Thomas muttered, eyes back on the road and Alex felt all soft and goopy inside. </p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“What the fuck why?” Alex was in a state of disbelief. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“I don’t know, I can’t help having favourites can I?” Thomas said defensively. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“No one ever likes winter, Thomas it’s just uncouth.” Alex said haughtily. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“I just this second told you I like winter?” </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Yeah well you don’t count anymore. Gods what is there to like about winter?”</p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Christmas? All festive and that? It’s great,” </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Okay but it’s all nice for like a month max, the rest of the time it’s gloomy and <em>cold</em>, Jesus, so cold.” Alex shivered. New York really was absolutely appalling temperature wise in the winter. Thomas only shrugged. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“I grew up in fucking Virginia and I can handle it.” Alex just shook his head. “Where’d you grow up?” Thomas asked. Alex faltered. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Uh, doesn’t matter. It’s still too fucking cold no matter what temperatures you’re used to. Jesus,” Alex wrapped his arms around himself a tad defensively. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Okay fine well what’s there to like about spring?” Alex demanded. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“I don’t know! Everything comes to life doesn’t it, it’s all jolly like that.” </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“And that’s officially the best and most adorable response to anything ever,” Alex said in fake contemplation. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Well summer and autumn, they’re the basic bitch seasons,” </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Good, I’m glad. I’m a proud basic bitch.” Alex grinned at Thomas’ eye roll. </p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“So,” Alex had kicked his shoes off again, sat cross legged and running his fingers over Thomas’ palm. “Friday. What happened?” Alex asked. Thomas looked over. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Uh, well. I mean, I left work, James came over, we talked, he took me out to the bar that Laf told him <em>you</em> were in, he gave my keys to that waiter Sam? I think their name is? Yeah so I couldn’t leave, then I heard you,” Thomas grinned cockily and honestly it shouldn’t look that good. “Talking about me with your pals and then you know up to that bit. You softened up eventually, started being nice to me, calling me Thomas, real sweet stuff. I don’t know if you remember this or not but we danced? To a Coldplay song?” </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Alex nodded, smiling so bittersweet. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Yeah. I <em>told</em> you I’d remember. I said I’d never forgive myself if we finished our dance.” He paused, voice going quiet. “And then we finished our dance.”</p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Yeah,” Thomas swallowed. “Yeah. So then Peggy and Sam left, Sam handed my keys over to another bartender and we got more drinks, then Laf and Hercules left, Laf gave you to me and Eliza said she’d babysit James and Laurens. Then you said you wanted to go home. You remember that?” Alex shook his head. “Well I said I’d take you so I retrieved my keys from the bartender, and we went out to Jareth,” Thomas stroked the wheel with his thumb. “And you loved him, made me feel very excellent,” Alex giggled. “Honestly it was the best. Anyway, you forgot your address and you told he just to drop you off at a subway somewhere,” Thomas waited for Alex’s scandalised litte gasp of outrage at the very idea of being dumped on the ncy subway 2 am on a Friday (technically Saturday but shut up.)</p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Well, yeah?” Alex seemed to have no issue with that, like it was actually logical. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Um, no? Absolutely not. You know how dangerous it is down there? There’s murderers and creeps and crazies and all sorts down there usually but like 2am Friday night is probably the worst time ever. So I mean obviously I wanted you safe-“ Alex loved protective Thomas Alex loved protective Thomas Alex loved protective Thomas- “-And I said I’d take you back to mine. You were unbelievably cute the whole way home. Anyway, we get back and you don’t stop complaining about being uncomfortable so you get out of your clothes and, by the way, I’m pretty sure your tie is still at mine, and you actually picked the ugly abstract shirt I haven’t worn since college and settled right down in my bed. I’ll spare you the details lest that blush of yours sets fire to your little head,” Thomas cooed. “But you’re most definitely a slutty drunk,” </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“We been knew,” Alex sighed. Thomas looked at him incredulously. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Right, uh, anyways, I told you that you’d be angry at me in the morning and you were insistent that you wouldn’t be and there was something you wanted to tell me but wouldn’t. Then you told me about a certain way I look at you-“ Thomas was absolutely not gonna be able to recite that memory so glossed over it. “And told me Laurens wasn’t your boyfriend. You said you panicked because I was too near you or something and then you called me a homophobe, which, fun,” Thomas laughed, Alex cringed. “I called you an idiot and you got whiny for a moment before telling me that you like Thomas and you like it when I call you Alex but you don’t like Jefferson. You said that you don’t mind Thomas, he’s an alright dude but Jefferson was a cold, intimidating prick that scared you, so I don’t know what I, Thomas Jefferson, am supposed to make of that but hey ho,” </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Definitely only listen to the good stuff. I know you’re not actually a bad dude, I’m just and idiot and you’re just a good actor,” Alex mumbled, threading their fingers together again, looking down at his smiley bandaid. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Yeah you said something like that too. How Jefferson wasn’t real.” </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Alex hummed. “Drunk words, sober thoughts. Common knowledge,” </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Trust me, it’s false info. If I acknowledged anything you said when you were drunk,” Thomas whistled. “I just don’t read into it,” </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Maybe you should.” </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Thomas looked over. “Doubt it,” he definitely sounded doubtful, but not about what Alex was saying. Shit. “Uh, anyway,” he shook his head. “You asked me who Alex was and I started telling you but you fell asleep.” </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Who’s Alex?” Alex asked. Thomas blinked, freezing up for a moment. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“He’s... an annoying little shit?” Thomas tried but knew that this wasn’t really a joke. He shook his head. “Fuck, okay. Well, he’s stupidly intelligent, ridiculously pretty, and unbelievably sweet under it all. And he’s the cutest person I’ve ever ever come across. He’s recently taken to wearing my clothes and I love it probably more than I should, he makes me feel things I’d really really rather not feel and he’s becoming more and more fundamental to my happiness every time he smiles at me or makes a stupid joke or pretty much anything.” Thomas tried to keep his voice even, tried to keep the facade of confidence going, tried not to give away how much this meant. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Alex was completely speechless. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Well, fuck,” he breathed, squeezing Thomas’ hand. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Well fuck.” Thomas agreed. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Thomas I didn’t know... I mean I’d never have guessed that... I just thought-“ </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“I don’t think I wanna hear what you thought this was, Alexander.” Thomas sighed, looking over. He could see the cogs whirring in Alex’s head, confused and maybe a little hurt. “I don’t even know what this is. And hey, it’s not exactly a surprise that you didn’t know any of that, I mean you’re probably the most oblivious dumbass I’ve ever ever met.” </p>
</div><div>
  <p>And thus the spell was broken. The atmosphere shifted back to something lighthearted and easy and Thomas could ignore the infinite weight on his chest just a little easier. </p>
</div><p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>heyy this chapter is a little longer because I’m trying to draw out this weekend as long as possible cause like,,,,, cute domesticity?? Yes pls??? Even I don’t want the impending angst :/<br/>Anyways lol I hope you have the best day or night or anything cause u deserve it :)))<br/>Love, willow xxx<br/>(Hey also in other completely unrelated news I got a book about Norse mythology and I’m super duper excited about that???? &lt;333)</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0020"><h2>20. I can’t take anymore pretending</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>choo choo, all aboard the angst train</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    
<p></p><div>
  <p>“I somehow thought that our three days would never run out,” Alex murmured, head on Thomas’ shoulder. “There were moments when time just didn’t exist, nothing mattered apart from you.” Alex looked up at Thomas who’s eyes were decidedly fixed on a random point in space.</p>
</div><div>
  <p>“I hate that it’s over. I hate that when we get back into that city,” Alex nodded at their city, all lit up so prettily in the dark. “We’ll go back to how it was before.” </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Alex-“ Thomas’ voice was weak. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Don’t tell me that things will be different Thomas cause they won’t. I can daydream all I like but I’m not stupid. I know what’ll have to happen and we’re just gonna have to deal with that.” Alex tried to remember to breathe, to not cry, to not fuck up their last moments before the dreaded return to reality as they sat on the hood of Thomas’ car, just outside the city so they’d be able to savour their last moments of each other. “I mean I held your hand the entire way there, entire way back and spent most of my time actually there clinging to you because I knew those touches would go as soon as we got home. So I don’t know why I’m this worked up, I mean I always knew that it’d end and that we’d act like nothing changed, I knew what was coming, I thought I’d prepared myself.” </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Thomas looked down at him and heartbreaking wasn’t nearly enough to describe what he was seeing. Thomas stared at Alex searchingly, wondering why, in their last few minutes, he was putting his brave face on. Thomas was too close to breaking point. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“But fuck,” Alex exhaled shakily. “This fucking hurts.” </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“I don’t wanna leave you.” Thomas blinked away the stupid prickle in the corners of his eyes, biting his lip harshly in an attempt to fucking man up. “And I <em>don’t</em> wanna hurt you. But I don’t know what to do.” His voice started strong and ended with a tremor. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“I wish we could run away. I wish I could keep you safe and happy, I wish we’d never need anyone else. I wish we could turn around and go right back to Monticello and be okay.” Thomas looked towards the stars in complete desperation, begging them for a win. Alexander shook his head, shutting his eyes and Thomas pulled him under his arm. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“But we can’t.” Alex finished for him. Thomas hated this. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“I wish I could be good for you but I’m not. I don’t know how I could be.” Thomas’ voice shook. “I don’t know how to fix this,” he sounded choked up and Alex’s heart started to break. If Thomas was crumbling this was bad. Alex couldn’t pretend otherwise anymore. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Thomas this isn’t your fault,” Alex held him tight, shoving his way between Thomas’ legs, kneeling with his arms tight around Thomas’ chest. Thomas sniffed, blinking furiously, encircling his arms around Alex’s waist. “You can’t blame reality on yourself.” Alex whispered and something about that just snapped something in Thomas and the tears he was trying so desperately to hold back fell down his cheeks as he shut his eyes. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Oh, Thomas.” Alex’ voice was thick as he pulled back, cradling Thomas’ face. Thomas shook his head, refusing to open his eyes. “You’re okay.” Alex stroked his hair. “It’s okay, you’re okay,” Alex didn’t know what to do, tilting his head, lip trembling. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“No I’m not,” Thomas whispered, pulling Alex in and clinging to him. This was the worst feeling Alex had ever experienced. The helplessness, the inability to console someone he loved, the cruel, evil pain of seeing that someone he loved hurt so badly. He hated it. He fucking hated it. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Thomas...” Alex pulled back, a hand still in Thomas’ hair, the other gripping Thomas’ shirt. “My Thomas,” Thomas shut his eyes again, trying to fix those words into his head. “My beautiful, broken Thomas. We can survive this,” Alex whispered desperately, ignoring his own tears in favour of kissing Thomas’ away. “We can. You’ll remember how to be alright by tomorrow, when the glass around us breaks.” Alex sounded so earnest yet so tragic, every word spoken with such intense fire. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Thomas shook his head. The glass had already been shattered and it cut when it broke.  </p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>They were quiet the whole drive back into New York, not a word said to each other as Alex looked out of the window at the overwhelming buildings surrounding them, their new concrete prison, curled away from Thomas. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Thomas kept glancing over, saw the city lights reflecting glassily off of Alex’s silent tears, saw the unyielding hurt behind Alex’s eyes, saw the devastating resignation in his face. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>They stayed quiet as they pulled up outside Alex’ apartment building, they stayed quiet as they walked up the stairs, ghosts of smiles, of their excitement and adrenaline blurred through their heads like a broken film, a faded photo of them running down these stairs a mere two days ago. </p>
</div><div>
  <p><em>Two days</em>? All they had was two days. It didn’t feel like two days. Somewhere in between seconds and years. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>They arrived at Alex’s door, the furthest right with a window on the outside wall illuminating the otherwise dark hall. Thomas placed Alex’s bag gently by his feet and Alex stood with his back to the door, facing Thomas and making no move to unlock his apartment. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Do you kiss me now or would that make this too real?” Alex asked quietly, looking at Thomas, watching his eyes dart from Alex’s lips to his eyes and back down again. Alex felt electric. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“I shouldn’t.” Thomas murmured, leaning in further. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Then don’t,” Alex breathed. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Thomas closed the gap. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Alex pushed up into the kiss, lips separating just a fraction. There was something so sweet and desperate and hesitant and longing behind the chastity of it, the pressing innocence that broke Alex’s heart. He’d just had the best few days of his life and he was saying goodbye, promising to forget them in this kiss. He wasn’t just saying goodbye to Thomas but to everything they’d done together, to everything they could’ve been. And it was fucking soul shattering. A dull ache, deep and cruel and insistent that took Alex’s breath away and left him empty and bruised. He couldn’t let this go but he didn’t have a choice. Thomas didn’t want him and Alexander wasn’t going to force himself onto him. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>He cared about him too much. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>He loved him too much. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Thomas pulled back, breath shaky and fingers trembling, eyes full of stupid pathetic fucking tears all over again. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Goodbye, Alexander.”</p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Goodbye, Thomas.” </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Thomas couldn’t let this go. He couldn’t let Alexander go, not now. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>They had broken too many rules to pretend to be innocent. </p>
</div><div>
  <p><em>Stop it</em>. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Alex didn’t want him. Thomas knew he didn’t, knew that it had all just been a fun weekend away and a notch in a bedpost for Alex, that Alexander was emotional, that was just who he was and Thomas happened to be this week’s outlet. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>But fuck, Alex had taken Thomas’ heart, taken <em>Thomas</em> for all he was and tried to be. And he had no idea. Because if he did, he wouldn’t go. He wouldn’t. He wouldn’t pull away from this kiss, he wouldn’t let go of Thomas’ hand, he wouldn’t leave Thomas hollow, longing and <em>needing</em> and being forced to walk away.  </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Alex had turned into every feeling Thomas ever tried to avoid, all the hurt and the crippling fear and confusion and the dangerous balance, the edge of not knowing enough and knowing too much. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>There were so many feelings, so many thoughts and emotions and fears and words building up inside of Alex, something wild and untameable and dangerous raging inside of him, needing to get out. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Please don’t go,” Alex’s voice broke. “Please, just stay here. We can pretend, we can pretend for a little longer, I can’t... I can’t loose you I- I <em>need</em> you...”</p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Alex, I can’t take any more pretending.” Thomas whispered, and the inevitable tears tracked down his cheeks like trenches preparing for war. That’s what it felt like. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Alex knew there was no avoiding this. There would be nothing to cling to, no hope, no pretending. He was loosing Thomas and he was loosing him <em>now</em>. And the worst part was, was that he would see him tomorrow. And he’d have to pretend nothing changed as he fell in love with him all over again. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Thomas Jefferson,” Alex began on words that trembled like the world was falling around them and barely contained sobs that clawed at Thomas’ chest. “You saved me.” A reciting of what he’d whispered as they sat curled up on Thomas’ kitchen floor in Monticello. What he whispered when nothing mattered, blissfully unaware of the damage they’d do to each other. </p>
</div><div>
  <p><em>Oh god</em>. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Alex-“ Unbearable. This was fucking unbearable. To end such an adventure like this, in the very place it started was beyond evil. Thomas hated everything about it. He had never hurt like this in his life. “Alex, please, just...” </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Just say it. Say those three words that would make all of this okay. <em>Please</em>.  </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Alex ignored the tears prickling at his skin as he pulled away just enough so that Thomas could try and read him. </p>
</div><div>
  <p><em>I love you. I love you, god I love you and this is killing me</em>, Alex was trying to say, trying to tell him without saying it. Because if he said it, this became real. He’d be putting Thomas in an impossible position and he refused to. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“I meant everything I said to you. I know you didn’t mean those things but I did, just please...” Alex’s voice hitched painfully. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“My Alex.” Thomas breathed, voice thick. “My one in a million.” He cupped Alex’s cheek, wiping his tears away best he could with his thumb. “I meant all of it.” Alex leant into Thomas’ hands, shutting his eyes and letting his imagination tell him that everything was okay. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>But when he opened his eyes again and saw Thomas, his Thomas with his heartbroken face, tears that trailed down his face without him blinking and an impossibly painful look about him as though he was watching everything he held scared he destroyed in front of him, he knew that nothing would ever be okay again.</p>
</div><div>
  <p>He tried to ignore it, tried not to see it but found himself unable to dismiss the look in Thomas’ eyes that he was sure matched his own. Unequivocal longing, yearning for something they didn’t think was there. But he wouldn’t see it, because if he opted out of blindness he was choosing to ruin his idea of reality. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“This isn’t <em>fair</em>,” He cried, voice broken, so genuine and searing that Thomas almost believed in him. Almost believed that Alexander could love him. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“I know. I know,” Thomas pushed their foreheads together, screwing his eyes shut. “I know.” </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Thomas please don’t leave me... not after... fuck, please, not after everything, don’t leave me,” This was the most emotional, the most intense Thomas had ever seen him, and Alexander Hamilton was not exactly famous for being refined.</p>
</div><div>
  <p>“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry but I have to, I have to,” </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“But <em>why</em>? Thomas I... I...” </p>
</div><div>
  <p><em>Come on Alexander</em>. Thomas thought. <em>Come on. Please, for me, Alex, do this for me. Just say it, even if you don’t mean it, make this okay. Please. </em></p>
</div><div>
  <p>He didn’t. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Goodbye, Alexander.” Thomas whispered, pressing one last kiss to Alex’s head. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“<em>No</em>,” Alex whimpered. “No, Thomas, please,” </p>
</div><div>
  <p>But Thomas had gone. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“No, no no <em>no</em>,” Alex slid down his door, curling his knees to his chest and crying so hard he thought he’d throw up. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“I l-love you,” He whispered, too late too late too late and everything ached. He felt so impossibly fragile and everything was so much colder without Thomas pressed against him. He felt like gravity was trying to kill him and so many overwhelming feelings were tearing at his head but more than anything he <em>hated</em> Thomas. He hated him <em>so much</em> for making Alex fall in love with him and then leaving him broken and alone.</p>
</div><p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Say goodbye our oblivious in love domestic idiots and say hello to our oblivious, ~stupid~ in love, pining, heartbroken, grade A morons<br/>I really really hope u enjoyed this??? I’m trying lol and I’m always checking for new comments they make me so happy ahhh &lt;3333<br/>Anyways I’ll see you next chapter amigos :)))<br/>Lots and lOTS of love, willow xxxx</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0021"><h2>21. Sickly</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    
<p></p><div>
  <p>That’s where Hercules found him an unspecified amount of time later, curled on his doorstep.  </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Alexander-“ </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Alex looked fucking <em>wrecked</em>. “Oh god, Alex,” Hercules hurried to lift Alex to his feet and pull his limp little frame into a fierce hug. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Hey, Herc,” Alex murmured hoarsely. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Fuck, Alex what the fuck happened to you?” </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Alex was glad Hercules hadn’t tried to guess what had happened like John probably would’ve. He didn’t have the heart to neither defend nor criticise Thomas at the moment. Hercules was the sort to listen and offer measured and logical advice with an objective viewpoint. Just what Alex knew he needed. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>He <em>wanted </em>to either curl up with John and let him talk shit about Thomas or sit with Lafayette and talk about how wonderful Thomas really was but he knew he was lucky that it’d been Hercules that’d found him. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Thomas.” Alex didn’t expect just saying his name to hurt this bad, a fresh wave of tears falling down his horribly tear stained face. “Thomas Jefferson happened to me.” He whispered, malice in his voice, hoping to spite his stupid self. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Okay, okay come on, let’s get you in,” Hercules released him long enough for Alex to dig his keys out of his pocket. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Once inside, Hercules immediately got to work gathering all Alex’s covers and blankets and comforters and pillows and piling them onto the couch, grabbing some cookies from the cupboard, dumping Alex’s bag in his bedroom, getting a box of tissues and a fresh set of pyjamas. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Alex stood motionless in his doorway right where Hercules had left him, swaying slightly on the spot as he stared blankly into the middle distance, a rouge tear cutting its way down Alex’s cheek every now and then. He looked like a ruined masterpiece, a discarded first draft by an amazing artist, like something special you’d find in a secret corner of a museum. Heartbroken, the exhibit would be called. Empty would be the description. And there Alex would stand, dead to the world, unaware of everything around him, eyes sore, cheeks and neck uncomfortably wet, head throbbing, yearning for lost love. Or maybe, love never there. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Alex didn’t know anymore. He was just tired. Of his feelings, of the uncontrollable heave of his chest, the burning of his lungs, the noise inside his head. Tired of everything. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Come on, Alex,” Hercules took ahold of Alex’s hand gently and Alex snapped out of it, following Hercules to the couch, letting his legs collapse under him and offering a small, muted smile, the sort of smile that’d hurt something in your chest. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Do you wanna talk about it?” Hercules asked softly. Alex met his eyes, looking startlingly empty and faltered. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“I don’t know if I can.” He sounded downright miserable. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Okay. That’s okay, you don’t have to. We can watch a movie, we can talk about something else, we can sit in silence, we can go to sleep if you want? Anything.” Hercules said. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Alex stared up at him and by god he was so fucking lucky to have Hercules in his life. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“I love him.” He said wretchedly. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Hercules blinked. “You- Thomas? Really?”</p>
</div><div>
  <p>Alex nodded, shutting his pained eyes and burying his head in his hands. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Fuck. And does he..?”</p>
</div><div>
  <p>Alex shook his head, a sob clawing at his throat. “He doesn’t love me back if that’s what you’re asking.” Alex shook himself off, gave himself a mental slap. Now was not the time for weakness. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“But what about...” Hercules trailed off, gesturing at Alex’s neck awkwardly. Alex couldn’t help but laugh. Only Hercules could make light of this. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“We fucked.” </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“He- he fucked you and then left you like this?” Hecrcules’ mouth fell open. “If I ever get ahold of that fucking southern fried-“ He started angrily. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Herc, dude it’s fine.” Alex cut in. “I remember being rather enthusiastic about it.” Hercules wrinkled his nose. “Besides, he didn’t <em>leave me</em> like anything, I just get too emotional don’t I? It’s my thing.” </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“No Alex, your thing is being fucking wonderful. This? What he’s done to you? This isn’t fucking excusable and my sturdiest pair of combat boots are gonna get so well acquainted with his jewels that he doesn’t breathe for a fucking week the absolute fucking-“ </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Hercules please, Jesus,” Alex grabbed a cookie. “I need an unbiased view on this. Please? You’re my best shot at that.” </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Hercules exhaled darkly. “Right. Yeah, okay you’re right. So you wanna tell me what happened?” </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Alex nodded. “Okay.”  </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Alex told a hazy version of what happened, wondering vaguely if he had the timeline right and Hercules seemed to change his opinion a great number of times. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“So?” Alex asked hopefully, awaiting Hercules’ final verdict. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Huh.” </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“<em>Huh</em>?” Alex repeated incredulously. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“I’m sorry! I really don’t know what to think! I mean, fuck. This shit is complex huh?”</p>
</div><div>
  <p>“I mean <em>yeah</em>? That’s why I need you! To help figure out what I’m meant to be doing?” </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Shit dude I don’t know.” </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Well what cards are on your table at the minute?” </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Hercules settled into a more comfy position, cross legged on the couch facing Alex with his elbow propped up on the back of the couch, a real gossip type position. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Alex thoroughly enjoyed the laid back atmosphere, it seemed to calm the raging storm in him for a bit. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Thomas’ cons are what state you were in when I found you,” Alex waved his hand dismissively. “I don’t really know him personally enough to judge his overall character, you were convinced he hated you like less than a week ago and he’s supposed to be responsible enough to have been able to prevent <em>this</em> whole mess,” he looked Alex up and down. Alex rolled his eyes. “Pros are that it sounded like he really made you happy and ‘safe and protected and gooey and warm,’” he quoted. Alex’s eyes dropped to his hands, picking at his nails. Maybe this wasn’t the best idea. ”Doesn’t sounds like he pressured you into anything, actually he sounds quite the gentleman. I mean, you love the guy, that’s gotta account for something good on his part-“ </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Stop, wait I’m sorry I can’t- fuck.” Alex interjected, voice shaking all over again. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Woah, hey it’s okay, look I’ll shut up,” Hercules scrambled to pull Alex into his chest. “I’m sorry. You okay, what’s up?” </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“I can’t hear about how good he is. I know, I already fucking know why I love him, I just... I just don’t know why it hurts so fucking bad,” Alex whimpered. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Oh fuck Alex I’m sorry-“</p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Was it this hard for you and Laf?” Alex asked, all teary and desperate. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Hercules hesitated. “No. No, it wasn’t. But we aren’t you.” </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“How did you know you loved him?”</p>
</div><div>
  <p>“When a room without him in it seemed pointless.” He said eventually. “When every annoying fucking thing about him lit my heart on fire. When I looked at my future and nothing made sense apart from he needed to be in it, that one cliche moment from a movie when I looked over at him and it clicked in my head like it had always been there.” </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Alex sighed shakily. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“You get any of that?”</p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Fucking all of it.” Alex rubbed at his eyes furiously, wanting to tear his way into his chest and get rid of the poisonous traces of Thomas around his lungs. “I hate him so fucking much.” </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Hey it’s okay,” Hercules murmured, stroking his hair gently. “Here, you wanna get your pjs on, go to bed?” </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Alex shook his head, shrinking down into Thomas’ sweater. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“That’s Thomas’ huh?” </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Yeah.” </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Alex, you shouldn’t-“</p>
</div><div>
  <p>“I know, I know. I don’t wanna get over him just yet.” </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Okay. That’s okay.” Hercules sighed. “Are you?” </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“I just... I never thought it’d be him. Of all fucking people, he’s the first person I’ve ever fallen for, I never... but now it’s like I can’t possibly imagine it being anyone else. And it was so fucking fast, feel like I’ve got fucking whiplash.” </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“I’m sorry.” </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“So am I.” </p>
</div><div>
  <p>And he cried and cried and fucking cried until he knocked himself out with it. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>And he dreamed of Thomas. He dreamed of small smiles and warm eyes that feel like home, he dreamed of a hand gripping his with gentle force unparalleled, of secret hot chocolate recipes and oversized sweaters, of stolen looks, fancy cars and beautiful houses, of dancing on the roof as the sun set and a first kiss, of love and of breath on his neck, he dreamed of waking up in a comfy bed with arms wrapped around him, of constant kisses, of thunder and fear and comfort and safety, of a shitty bar and a paper umbrella, of being protected and wanted and okay, of grinning wide enough it hurt and running down country lanes in the dark, of feeling like he could fly, immoderate hugs like tomorrow wouldn’t come, delaying reality and kisses goodbye that hurt more than everything. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Fuck, Alex wasn’t going to survive tomorrow. </p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Alex looked a damn mess. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>He woke up at around 8 atop Hercules’ chest on his couch. He forced himself up, careful not to wake Hercules, got the coffee machine up and running and went to the bathroom. He caught sight of himself in the mirror and it was like he was a different person, shit. Same bruises on his neck, same pathetic attempt at a beard, same stupid hair but a new pain behind his eyes, a new air of regret and anger hovering around him, he looked paler, his eyes were redder and his cheeks looked hollow. Sickly was probably a good word to describe him. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Fuck and he felt it too. His head was absolutely throbbing from the ridiculous amounts of crying last night, he was tired, everything ached and he was so fucking <em>sad</em>. He didn’t know what to do with himself. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>So he had a shower as all people in a state of crisis should. He let the almost unbearably hot water wash away reality for a while, shut his eyes and concentrated on the feeling of water running down his back, through his hair, down his face. He washed his hair, gave himself a good scrub and decided he felt new enough to get out. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>He made his way into his bedroom, haphazardly pulling his clothes on and stumbled back into the kitchen as he put his contacts in, chugging his coffee. Hercules rubbed his eyes blearily. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Alexander?” </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“‘M just going to work, you can grab a shower or something if you like, just lock up on your way out, leave the key under the plant pot on the window in the hall,” Alex said, throwing a peace sign, half out the door. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Hold on, Alex wait up!” Hercules called just before the door shut. Alex popped his head back in. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“What?” </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Come here, I’ll drop you off.” He groaned as he stood up. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Oh, I mean I’m fine on the subway you don’t gotta-“ </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“You know damn well how we feel about you down there,” Hercules yawned. “You gonna be okay at work today? Y’know with..?” He trailed off, stretching his arms up. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Don’t know what you’re talking about. I’ll be fine, I’m always fine,” Alex brushed him off. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Are we just not gonna talk about last night?” </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Not unless you want me to start crying like a baby again?” Alex smiled. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Hercules blinked. “Fair enough. Come on then, you ready?”</p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Well yeah but you’re not, you’re in the same shirt as yesterday and you’re not wearing pants.” </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Hercules stepped into his jeans and pulled his shoes on. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Sorted. I’m fine for a few hours, I don’t have so go into work till lunch so I’ll just swing back home, explain to Laf where I’ve been,” </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Maybe he’ll accuse you of cheating,” Alex said conversationally as he locked up and they set off down the stairs. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Hercules snorted. “He wouldn’t think I was cheating even if I told him I was cheating. ‘Ow are you saying you cheat? You don’t cheat, you have all you need right ‘ere, do not be stupid mon amour,” he imitated in an actually rather okay french accent. Alex laughed as they reached the car. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Sounds accurate.” He said, throwing himself into the passenger side seat. “Woah, your seats are higher up than Thomas’. Weirded me out for a second,” He muttered. Hercules threw him a look. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Are you gonna be okay? Seriously, with Thomas and everything?” He asked. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Alex sighed. “I don’t know. Probably? I can just... act. It’ll all be fine. I’m sure I can be professional enough in the workplace that I don’t let personal matters and feelings get in the way of anything.” </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“See its all very well and good when you say that Alex but your sarcastic tone and face and overall energy tells me that maybe you’re being disingenuous.”</p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Maybe I am.” Alex confessed. “But I don’t know what I’m supposed to <em>do</em>. So we’ll just roll with it.” He shrugged. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“You’re being rather casual about the whole thing.” Hercules noticed. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Yeah well. It’s my mind’s way of protecting everyone around me from what’s really going on up there. So it looks like there’s gonna be a lot more peace signs up in this bitch for a while,” </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“You’re the weirdest fucking kid I’ve ever come across,” Hercules shook his head. Alex shrugged and a comfortable silence settled over them for a while. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Okay, here,” Hercules parked up a few minutes away. “Here’s what you’re gonna do today. You’re gonna avoid Jefferson, you’re gonna just do your job, you’re gonna text Eliza because she’s worried, you’re gonna call John when you want picking up at a reasonable fucking hour Alex, please and thank you, then you’re gonna come over to mine and Laf’s, we're gonna invite the girls over, we’re going to have a nice night and then John or someone will take you home or you can stay over whatever and we’re gonna get a real smile on your stupid little face, okay?” </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Alex blinked, a little choked up. He nodded. “You’re the fucking best,” he dragged Hercules over into a slightly awkward but very genuine hug. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“I know that. Now you’re gonna call one of us if something happens, okay?” Alex rolled his eyes fondly. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“I can take care of myself-“</p>
</div><div>
  <p>“You’re gonna call us, <em>okay</em>?” </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Okay, okay! I’ll see you later,” Alex grinned. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Yeah, I’ll see you. Love you,” </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Love you too and thanks for the ride,” Alex shit the door and waved, setting off to work. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Fuck, he really was not looking forward to today. </p>
</div>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>a bit of lightheartedness before we’re back on the angst train :)))<br/>lol i don’t really have much to say except how overwhelmingly happy you all make me &lt;3333<br/>Have an awesome day ily<br/>-willow xxxx</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0022"><h2>22. Fuck you Thomas</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    
<p></p><div>
  <p>Alex saw Thomas first. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Well. He saw Thomas’ car first and sped up his walk to the office, determined not to see Thomas today, not to have to speak to him or think about him. He got to his office, luckily with no interruptions, and just... fucking cried. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>He couldn’t help it, he’d seen Thomas’ car, he’d walked past Thomas’ office and now he was thinking about Thomas, thinking about just how fucking much he’d lost. He missed him so wholly and it’d been less than a damn day since he’d seen the fucker. Well you could fuck this, this was the worst. The absolute fucking worst and Alex had no idea how he was meant to survive without Thomas’ smile. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Fucking fuck this. <em>Fuck this</em>. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Alex absolutely dived into his work, throwing himself into essays, reviewing shit, whatever, anything to clear his head. He texted Eliza, hell, he even went out for early lunch with Peggy on her break. He was having a surprisingly okay morning given the circumstances. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>By now he’d figured out that most if not all of his friends knew about The Thomas Issue (tm) and were actively trying to cheer him up and hey d’you know what? It was working. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Thomas on the other hand?</p>
</div><div>
  <p>Well Thomas was fucked up. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>He’d started his day with dragging himself off of the couch (he’d gotten himself absolutely shit faced last night) and trying desperately to get Alex’s heartbroken little face out of his head. He did not succeed. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>He then sat sprawled on the floor of his shower as the red hot water washed over him, tilting his head back against the wall with his eyes closed and trying to get his mind to go blank. Instead he was tormented with images of Alex bundled up so adorably in his clothes, of Alex pressed right by his side, of them waking up together, of being covered in each other’s kisses, of simple domesticity, of easy smiles that’d feel way too heavy now. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>On his way to work he tried for some music in an attempt to distract himself from the insufferable noise in his head but what song came on but the Coldplay one he and Alex danced to all those millions of years ago. Silence was most decidedly better than upsetting memories. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Once at work, he sat in the car park for a little while, trying to force a bit of life back in himself. It did nothing for the emptiness threatening to consume him but a smile made him seem more okay than he was and that was a plus. He told himself he didn’t see Alex scurrying along the parking lot. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>He also told himself he didn’t see Alex briefly around the office, he didn’t see him out of his window and he didn’t see him in through Alex’s. It just didn’t happen. He didn’t see Alex’s head in his hands as he cried at his desk, he didn’t see how tired and hurt he looked and he definitely didn’t see the love bites marking him up. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>He didn’t hear Washington ask what the fuck had happened to Alexander, he decidedly did not hear people whispering about his Alex, he didn’t glare them down so icily their mouthes snapped shut and didn’t open again till Thomas had prowled back to his office. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Thomas didn’t continue to find ways to walk past Alex’s office to check in on him, he didn’t keep getting his assistant to go and deliver Alex decaf coffee and he didn’t write and delete eight hundred emails, sixty five thousand texts and his finger wasn’t hovering over the call button under Alex’s name for a good hour of his day. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Except the very opposite of all that because it did all happen. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Jesus, Thomas was fucked. </p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Alex was cautious on his way back from lunch with Peggy, he had permission to be out and everything it was just gonna be harder to avoid Thomas when he wasn’t holed up in his office. He made it safely into the elevator with no interruptions, made it to his floor fine and just before his sigh of relief-</p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Alexander,” Thomas’ fucking hand grabbing his forearm. Because Thomas couldn’t stand it anymore and Alex was right fucking there in front of him. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Alex wrenched himself away, refusing to turn around and face him. He wouldn’t be able to see Thomas without every one of his brand new defences, replacing the ones Thomas had already torn down, crumbling all over again.</p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Alex, please, I-“ </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Leave me the fuck alone, Jefferson,” Alex said angrily, trying not to look over at Thomas. He wouldn’t look over at Thomas. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“No, you don’t fucking call me that anymore,” Thomas, in a violent burst of emotion, grabbed Alex by the shoulders and shoved him into the wall. Alex glared up at him, though he looked more scared than angry.</p>
</div><div>
  <p>Thomas hated that he looked more scared than angry. Thomas released him and stepped back after a second, shaking his head, trying to get rid of that possessive, guilty, jealous, horrible feeling that he hadn’t been able to shake since he left Alex at his door. “You...you don’t call me that anymore, not after... we’re closer than that we... fuck, Alex,” Thomas took a step closer again and Alex flinched, wide eyed and full of such emotion that Thomas couldn’t even try to begin reading him. And Jesus fucking Christ, Thomas hated that he flinched. He hated it. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“No, Jefferson we <em>were</em> closer than that. We were closer but <em>you</em> went away, <em>you</em> ruined this, this is <em>your fault</em>, and I will <em>never</em> let that go.”  Alex hissed, voice trembling, momentarily letting his emotions get the better of him as unyielding anger and unyielding sadness fought for control in his head. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Then someone rounded the corner into the corridor and they both looked over. Alex straightened his clothes and backed off, determined not to see the damage he’d done to Thomas. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Fuck off, Jefferson,” he said over his shoulder, walking away without looking back, eyes clouding with tears that Thomas could never see, not stopping till he was safely in his office. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>He slammed the door and wound his trembling hands into his hair, his hair tie slipping to the floor and his hair settling on his shoulders. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Fuck. Fuck, this was too much. He couldn’t fucking cope with this, he’d massively overestimated his abilities here. <em>Fuck</em>. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Alex,“ And Thomas was in his fucking office. Alex whipped his head around, red hot furious tears falling down his face. “Alex, please-“ Thomas’ voice cracked. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“No,” Alex snarled, shoving Thomas hard into the wall. “No you do <em>not</em> get to call me that anymore,” Alex crowded in close, tried to ignore the part of his head that was telling him to just give in, forgive Thomas and kiss the fucker.</p>
</div><div>
  <p>Thomas was the most defenceless Alex had ever seen him as he stumbled back, guard down, vulnerable and hurt. “<em>You</em> left <em>me</em>.” Alex‘a voice was venom, so full of such intense, painful emotions he was gonna burn himself up. “I begged you to stay, I <em>begged</em> you not to fucking leave me, Thomas, <em>and you did</em>.” Consuming anger was coursing through him, head heart and soul and fucking hell he felt dangerous. “You f-fucking left me and I will never, <em>ever</em> forgive you for that.” Alex’s voice was trembling, for a moment he didn’t sound angry anymore, he sounded hopeless, wrecked and defeated. His hands were shaking and he never knew this sort of hurt could exist. Fuck, it was unimaginable. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Thomas stared down at him with emotion to match Alex’s scribbled across his face. “Fuck you, Thomas.” Alexander whispered before storming out leaving Thomas alone and shellshocked against the wall of Alex’s office. </p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Alex walked as fast as he could get away with, relying on muscle memory to get him out of the building with his tear blurred vision, wanting to be as far away from Thomas as he possibly possibly could, needing to be back by his side. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>No, fucking stop it. Stop it. It’s broken, there’s nothing left to go back to. Just Jefferson. We hate Jefferson. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Alexander thought that by telling himself they hated each other maybe he could start to believe it again. Maybe he could distance them in his own head, making it easier to do in real life. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Yes yes, he knew how stupid it was. But he needed something to cling to now that Jefferson was no longer an option. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>He set on his very un-merry way to the nearest subway station a few minutes away, grumbling angrily to himself, swiping furiously at any tears that happened to slip down his face. Fucking stupid horrible Jefferson. Fuck him. <em>Fuck him</em>. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Ugh, yes please. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>For fucks sake. Alex really was his own worst enemy. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Alex’s terrible mood was shifted as he flared up with panic, a black car screeching to a stop right beside him. He jumped back in fear ready to scream his little heart out but you’ll never guess who. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Thomas. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Oh, you guessed? What a miracle. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Alex’s terrible mood made a very hasty return, definitely worsening. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Fuck off!” Alex yelled at Thomas through the windshield, marching off back in the direction of the subway. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>And as if his stormy mood wasn’t bad enough, it absolutely got stormier at the sight of Thomas’ door opening and his stupid fucking self emerging. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Alexander come on, please just let me take you home,” </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“No! Why the fuck would I do that? So you can make me feel something and then make it painstakingly obvious it is that you don’t fucking want me? You’ve already fucking done that!” Alex shook his head, trying not to let his emotions get the better of him a-fucking-gain. “Get some fucking originality and then come back to me,” he growled, trying to steer them away from feelings. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Alexander you <em>know</em> I want you, you know I-“ Thomas sounded like he’d been crying. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“No I fucking don’t, Thomas! I don’t know anything anymore because you came and you turned everything upside down and I don’t know how to make it right again!” Alexander cried, becoming aware that he was screaming at Thomas in the middle of the (thankfully pretty barren) street. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Alexander-“ Thomas took a step closer, reaching his hand out slightly but Alex shook his head and backed off. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Stay the fuck away from me, Jefferson,” he glared his most fiery glare, ignoring the tears gathering on his lashes. Thomas darkened. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Alexander you can’t just walk around covered in <em>my</em> hickeys, with your red eyes and your shaky hands looking all sad and crying at your desk and expect me to be <em>okay</em> with that, to not wanna step in and-“ </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“And what? You wanna fucking protect me Thomas? Huh?” Alex looked crazy. Clothes disheveled, hair unspeakable, flushed face completely tearstained. “<em>You</em> did this to me.” Thomas stared desperately. “I need protecting from <em>you</em>.” Alex hissed. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Thomas looked like he’d been stabbed. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>No no no no no no <em>no-</em></p>
</div><div>
  <p>Sirens were going off in his head, alarms, red lights and it was <em>too much</em>. Fuck. Fuck, fuck this was gonna kill Thomas in more ways than one. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Alexander-“ Fuck, was that his voice? He sounded fucking pathetic. Hopeless and defenceless and desperate and <em>wrecked</em>. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Leave me alone, Thomas.” the heat ebbed from Alex’s voice, replaced with an unbearable pain, a cutting ache. “<em>Please</em>.” </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Thomas didn’t know what to do. He was stuck and there were so many fucking emotions drowning him when he was so used to being numb. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Alex, please look just call Eliza or Laf or Laurens or something, you know-” he shut his eyes for a moment, trying to collect himself enough to get the tremor out of his voice, surprised to find himself crying. “You know I don’t like you down there. I-It’s not safe, please, for me just-“ he cut himself off, tears making his chest constrict. Well fuck, his own body was trying to murder him. Fuck, this really was never an issue, he had no problems when it came to being overwhelmed by feeling but now he felt himself struggling for air, stuttering over his words. “I want you safe.” Thomas looked at him hopelessly for a moment, head cocked slightly to the side, eyes full of tears before he hung his head, bringing a hand to his eyes, trying to stop this fucking stupid crying. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Alex’s glare wavered. He wanted to run over, to hold his Thomas, his lovely darling golden boy and apologise for everything, for ever hurting him, wanted to kiss him until it was alright again and tell Thomas just how much he was loved. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>But of fucking course he didn’t. He stayed where he was, stood with his fists clenched and a forced look of anger. He was so fucking stupid. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“I’ll call John.” Alex said eventually, eyes unable to move from Thomas. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Thomas looked back up again, stepping back. “Okay.” He said blankly, trying not to think about how Alex shouldn’t have to call anyone else, it should only be him, only him.</p>
</div><div>
  <p>Alex pulled his phone out of his pocket, called John, still staring at Thomas, trying to figure him out. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Alex? You okay?” John asked. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Can you come pick me up please?” Alex asked, finally looking away from Thomas. It felt wrong to be asking John for the help Thomas had offered, felt double wrong because it was Thomas and John. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Yeah where are you?” </p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>It took a grand total of 3 minutes for John to speed round the corner and pull up on the opposite side of the road to Jar- Alex caught himself. Thomas’ car. Not Jareth. He didn’t know that part of Thomas anymore, the ridiculously cute nerdy bit that named his car after a David Bowie character. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>It took John three minutes to arrive and park up on the opposite side of the road to Thomas and him. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Alex didn’t know how to say goodbye, didn’t know how he possibly could and so just didn’t, walking straight to John without much as a glance back. And yeah, that was pretty fucking cold but he deserved to be evil. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Please, for fucks sake just drive,” Alex looked over at John. John gave a grim look back and did just drive, and Alex’s last stolen glance in the wing mirror at Thomas still stood on the sidewalk really should never ever have happened but what’s a little extra heartbreak added to the pile? </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“That was fucking horrendous,” Alex’s voice was still shaking. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Yeah and hello to you too? I haven’t seen you since Friday, Herc said you were fucked up yesterday, are you okay?” John asked, worried. “What happened?”</p>
</div><div>
  <p>“I don’t fucking know.” Alex figured that there were set people he could talk about set things to. Hercules and Eliza were all rounders, Laf and Peggy were good for talking about just how much he loved Thomas, Maria was probably good for the sex stuff, Angelica and John were helpful for the love-hating Thomas stuff and then there was Alex who, essentially, was good for nothing. He was just a mess of his own feelings and it fucking sucked. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“I don’t know. I... yeah, no I don’t even know.” Alex sighed, trying to stop the hitch in his breath. “I mean I love him nowadays. But y’know.” Alex curled up. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“You fucking love the fucker?” John near screeched. “Fucking fuck Alex what the fuck?” </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Trust me, I’m more confused than you are. Why did it have to be <em>him</em>?” Alex asked miserably. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Well...” John swallowed. “I mean. Okay. Okay, we can figure this out. It’ll be okay.” </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Fuck. I hope so. Thank you John, you da bomb.” He threw some awkward finger guns over and John just stared. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“You’re so fucking stupid.” John laughed. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>He was very right. </p>
</div>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>heyyyyy um.... sorry..?? lol yall are so funny I’m not even kidding some of the comments are just- you make me chuckle and I love yous for that &lt;333<br/>Anyway yeah that was thattttt I’ll see you next chapter and in the comments and stuff :)))<br/>All the love, willow xxxx</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0023"><h2>23. Heat in his veins and smoke in his head</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    
<p></p><div>
  <p>Thomas stared emotionlessly as Laurens sped away with Alex and honestly, he didn’t even have the energy to be mad about it anymore. He drove himself back to work, got back in his office and just stared into the nothingness, back to feeling the nothingness. He’d grown so accustomed to it, to the dull ache of being empty, that he’d begun to find comfort in it. He didn’t really notice when a tiny spark of something stirred in him when Alex came into work one day and <em>had his eyes alway been that messy mix of colours?</em> He didn’t notice when that tiny spark grew into a tiny flame when Thomas found himself laughing at Alex’s stupid jokes and in turn, making his very own stupid jokes in an attempt to make Alex laugh too. He didn’t notice when the flame steadily grew and grew, the heat in his veins and the smoke in his head and these warm feelings. He only noticed there had ever been a spark when that spark turned into a wildfire, taking over his thoughts, his heart, his head, his fingertips, his nerves, every moment consumed by the fire that was Alexander, by these burning emotions and Alex was beneath his skin, in his lungs, behind his eyes. He was all consuming. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Alex returned to the office around an hour later and Thomas knew he would die like this, die from the longing, from the hurt of simply seeing Alexander. And he didn’t know what to do, doubted he’d do anything even if he did. Because boy oh boy he just lived for torturing himself, didn’t he? </p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Secretary Jefferson, come in,” Washington sighed. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Sir?”</p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Mr Jefferson, do you have any idea what’s happened to Secretary Hamilton?" Thomas blinked. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Um, I do not, sir.” Liar. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“But you’ve noticed there’s something... wrong? With Alexander?” Washington pressed, looking out of his open door to where he could see Alex’s assistant talking at him while Alex stared into space, completely out of it. Thomas turned to look too and quickly spun back around to Washington. This was <em>his fault</em> and he hated it. He shut his eyes a moment to try and compose himself, to get Alexander out of his head for two god damn seconds. When he looked back up he was met with Washington staring down at him curiously.</p>
</div><div>
  <p>“I don’t pay excess attention to him, sir.” Thomas said eventually, and by the way, absolute lie, every fucking second of every day was spent paying excess attention to him. Washington looked at him for a moment, seemingly deep in thought. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Thomas, close the door.” </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Uh oh. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Thomas nodded and went to shut the door, hesitating only for a second. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“I somehow doubt that even paying no attention to Alexander you could’ve missed his strange behaviour.” Washington said. Fuckkkkkk this was gonna be tricky. “I also find it particularly odd that you too, Mr Jefferson, have been acting... off. Now, for the sake of both our dignity, I need not mention the rumours about the two of you, nor the evidence behind them.” Thomas blushed furiously. Fuck. “I don’t wish to involve myself in your personal matters, you are both adults, but once those personal matters interfere with your work I feel it’s necessary to step in. Alexander is both a valued employee and a valued friend, as are you and I only want what’s best for your wellbeing. I believe it’s safe to assume nothing could interfere with Alex’s work and you seem capable of acting professional enough, more professional in fact than before whatever happened between the two of you, so that’s not a pressing issue with me.” Thomas stared at his hands, trying to stay calm. “Now, I’m not going to ask what happened-“ </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Sir, nothing happened. Rumours are rumours, I’m perfectly fine, I don’t know what’s wrong with Alex-“ he caught himself. For fucks sake. “<em>Hamilton</em>. I don’t know what’s wrong with Hamilton.” Washington raised an eyebrow. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Maybe I need to have a word with Alexander then. Maybe talk a bit about his abilities to stay professional.” </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“No, sir just... just cut the kid some slack. He’s obviously going through something,” Thomas strained. Washington eyed Thomas, a realisation dawning on him. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“I think I might have to think about temporarily relieving Hamilton of his services.” He said contemplatively, knowing full well he would never, just curious as to how Thomas would react, to see if what he suspected was happening was happening. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Thomas shook his head desperately. “We both know he’s about 45 years ahead of schedule sir, he doesn’t deserve to be punished for having a few bad days and doing this would <em>crush</em> him-“ Thomas started to get worked up. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Washington raised a hand slightly to silence him. “Bring Secretary Hamilton in here for a moment will you?” </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Thomas froze up. “Sir I don’t think-“ </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Jefferson,” Washington looked at him as if to say: look who the fuck you’re talking to a second. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Thomas really was having himself a panic here, but he put his brave face on, nodded and went over to what would surely be his demise. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Hamilton..?” Thomas approached cautiously, Alex’s assistant giving Alex a knowing look and then waltzing off. Alex looked up at Thomas desperately and shook his head, looking just on the verge of tears. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Please, Thomas, just go away, I can’t- not here, please I-“ Alex sounded tiny. Thomas wasn’t sure how that worked but it did, he sounded small and weak and Thomas wanted nothing more than to protect him from everything ever, to make it all okay again. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Alexander,” Thomas cut in gently. “Washington wants to see us.” </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Alex blinked. “He does?” He sounded so fucking <em>little</em>, there really was no other word for it. It pulled on Thomas’ heart how sadly sweet he sounded. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Mhm,” he instantly softened, almost like he was talking to a scared child. “C’mon.” He turned around, finding himself unable to look at Alex anymore and walked back into Washington’s office, waiting for Alex to show up next to him. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Sir?” Alex sounded just as vulnerable but like he was trying to be brave.  </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Alexander, shut the door, please.” </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Uh fucking oh. Alex nodded and scurried over to the door, kinda skittish and Thomas wondered what Alex thought was happening here. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Alex, it’s been very apparent to me that something has happened to you, more than likely involving Thomas. Mr Jefferson, however denied anything had happened between the two of you.” Alex looked up at Thomas questioningly and Thomas cursed both himself and Washington to hell and back for making Alex look like that. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“He- he did?” And here Thomas was thinking he’d gone back to being numb. Nope, this just really fucking hurt. Thomas caught Alex’s eyes for a moment before Alex looked back down. “Yeah. Nothing happened.” He mumbled. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Sir, Alex, look I-“ Thomas tried, wanting to tell Washington that something had in fact happened, if only to prove to Alex that he was too important to hide. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Jefferson, shut up.” Alex interrupted warningly. Thomas looked down at him disbelievingly and Alex met his eyes for either a moment or for a minute and Thomas was met with a blur of anger and fear and sadness and regret and hate and something else, all so strong that Thomas was amazed Alex could contain them. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Gentlemen?” They tore their eyes away from one another and back to Washington. “I don’t need a confirmation of my suspicions. I just need you to take a week off or something, <em>anything</em> to clear your heads and get you back on track. I almost miss you bickering, because I’ll tell you now I do not like whatever this is.” Washington said and Thomas got the feeling that he was talking more to Alex. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Alex nodded, eyes on his feet. Washington sighed. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Secretary Jefferson, you are dismissed. Secretary Hamilton... take a seat.” </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Alex faltered, even threw a desperate look back at Thomas for help but Washington’s glare saying “fuck off” was unmistakable and so Thomas gave an apologetic look back at Alex, nodded and left. Man, Thomas felt for the poor kid. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Washington shuffled some papers around on his desk, picked up a pen and began writing something down, easing up now he no longer had to act stiff and authoritative. “Alex, son, I’m not gonna ask you to tell me anything, all I ask is just wear a damn scarf or something, I mean seriously-“</p>
</div><div>
  <p></p>
  <div>
    <p>“I think I love him,” Alex blurted, cowering slightly as if his revelation would send Washington reeling. He stared intently at the lines on George’s wooden desk, suddenly hoping that Washington didn’t hear him even though he could almost still hear it echo. Washington stopped writing and gently placed his pen down, a sickly melancholy washing over him. He knew his boy and he knew how much courage this must’ve taken him. Alex missed the gentle smile and the second hand heartache in Washington’s eyes. </p>
  </div>
  <div>
    <p>“I know.” Alex’s eyes snapped up. Washington’s voice was gentler than Alex was used to, the kind, soft voice reserved for when when he found out what a bad job Alex had been doing looking after himself or when he found Alex crying in his office or the few instances where he watched the lovesickness consume Alex when the kid looked over at Thomas, watched him blush and get angry at himself and keep quiet, avert his eyes and become all withdrawn, only for Washington to call the poor boy into his office and feed him whatever confectionary he had in his drawer that day and tell stories until Alex smiled a genuine smile again because by god that boy deserved to be loved and Washington would be damned if he didn’t love his kid to the sun and back, to hell with it all. Thomas had no idea what he was doing, how lovely the boy he was unintentionally ruining was. </p>
  </div>
  <div>
    <p>“You... I- What?” Alex sounded fractured as he looked at Washington, head tilted, vision becoming blurred with tears he tried to blink away. </p>
  </div>
  <div>
    <p>Washington smiled again. He’d know for a while, even if Alex hadn’t. </p>
  </div>
  <div>
    <p>“Thomas?” His voice was like a mix between pity and pride, Alex reckoned. He took a second and gave only a shaky nod, shutting his eyes momentarily and letting the tears fall pitifully down his now colourless cheeks. </p>
  </div>
  <div>
    <p>“Yeah. Thomas.” He said thickly. </p>
  </div>
</div><div>
  <p>Washington sighed. “It’ll work out, son I assure you.” Roughly translated to: Thomas loves you too, idiot, stop hurting yourselves.</p>
</div><div>
  <p>Alex stood up, shaking himself off, wiping at his cheeks. “I should leave.” </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“You can take the day off if you’d like. Hell, take the week off.” Alex looked torn. “Someone told me to cut you some slack.” Washington said pointedly. Alex nodded, threw a quick smile at Washington and walked out. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Well that was stupid, all his friends had gone back to work, how was he meant to get home? He began scooping all his stuff into his bag. Screw it, he’d just take the subway, wasn’t as if anyone would notice anyway. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>But... Thomas had told him not to. Had <em>asked</em> him not to. It felt wrong to go. He groaned and trailed out of his office, head hung low and eyes squeezed shut. He hated himself for this. God he was so fucking dumb. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>But what other choice did he have? Get the metro like a reasonable person? Ha. You could fuck that for a game of soldiers, Alex was the least reasonable person he knew, thank you very much. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>He dragged his hand up to Thomas’ door and knocked heavily. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Alexander?” Thomas leaned on his doorframe. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Can you take me home? Please?” Alex asked, sounding not nearly as angry nor distressed as earlier. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Thomas stared down at him with a soft look in his eyes and half successfully hid his smile and he looked like sticky sweet honey. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Yeah, Alex I’ll take you home.” He said gently, so fucking pleased that Alex had asked <em>him</em>. And just incase you were wondering, yes, Thomas’ love language was for some reason keeping Alex off of the subway. “Give me five minutes to pack my stuff up,” </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Alex nodded and even gave a tiny smile and okay, they’d been decidedly hurtful things said earlier but this was progress. It was. </p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p></p>
  <div>
    <p>Thomas tried not to scowl as he watched Alex lean into fucking Laurens, laughing too much to be genuine. Somehow the fact that Alexander might just be fake laughing for his attention made Thomas angrier. Hamilton had never tried so hard to get <em>Thomas</em>’ attention. He just... had it. </p>
  </div>
  <div>
    <p>Thomas dropped into his car, throwing his bag down into the passenger side footwell slamming his door as he jammed his keys into the ignition, not turning them yet, knowing how much Alex liked to be sat in the car when the engine came to life. It hurt so nicely that he knew that. </p>
  </div>
  <div>
    <p>Thomas watched, eyes trained on every tiny movement of what he was watching. Alexander was leaning back against a car, (a far less nice car than Thomas’ own, Thomas noted,) with Laurens’ arm beside his shoulder, holding him up as he leant forward slightly, giving Alexander a stupid half grin as Alex practically <em>giggled</em> into the dude’s shoulder. Ugh gods, give him a break. If looks could kill, man Laurens would be dead and decapitated 6 times over by now. Oh, how Thomas wished looks could kill. He began subconsciously comparing himself to Laurens and honesty the numbers were on his side.</p>
  </div>
  <div>
    <p>He threw his head back and glared angrily skyward. Whoever was up there was gonna get one huge, whopping “fuck you” from Thomas, should they ever meet. </p>
  </div>
</div><div>
  <p>Alex had come down to wait by Thomas’ car as Thomas packed his stuff up and run into Laurens on his way to run some errands or something. Mother fucker. Thomas turned back to glare at Laurens and Alex and fuck this, Alex had asked Thomas to get him home and now he was gossiping with Laurens about some stupid shit. Thomas pushed down on his horn making Alex jump and Laurens look over. Alex said something, smiled apologetically, gave Laurens a hug and ran back to Thomas. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Hey, sorry just talking to John,” Alex smiled and it was the... easiest. He’d seen Alex in a while. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“I saw.” Thomas didn’t have the heart to keep being angry at Alex. I mean, how could he? The kid was a literal gem. “You ready?” He looked over at Alex, finding Alex’s eyes already on him. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Yeah.” He said, looking around. “You cleaned up in here.” </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Something about that struck something in Thomas. The acknowledgment that Alex had spent extended periods in here... he didn’t know but it made him feel odd. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“It was Jemmy. James. He sorted stuff out after...” Thomas trailed off. “I couldn’t.” He finished quietly. Alex stared. Thomas shook his head. “Okie dokie-“ Thomas stooped his own supply of air to his lungs as Alex seized his hand, turning away to look out of the window, the tiniest upward curve to his lips. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Okay. Okay, things weren’t as bad as they thought. Thomas’ smile was like sun breaking storm clouds as the engine roared to life and Alex grinned back over at him at if only in that car, in that moment, everything was perfect again. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>And it was beautiful. </p>
</div>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Happy one month anniversary, guys!! I thought I might try and patch things up a bit in celebration  :))))) <br/>Lmk if you like the idea of maybe a chapter talking about what happened to Thomas on the night he left Alex??? <br/>Ily all so freaking much &lt;3333<br/>-Willow xxx</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0024"><h2>24. His world was just Thomas</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>nsfw warning :p</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    
<p></p><div>
<p></p><div><p>The Tension Was So Real. </p></div><div><p>So... it seemed as though Thomas had possibly misread the situation and Alexander was no less angry at Thomas or at himself or at what happened, he was just horny. </p></div><div><p>I mean hey, Thomas was along for the ride no matter what and either way he wasn’t complaining. Alex had held Thomas’ hand like it was some sort of car ride tradition, barely even looking over. He then asked Thomas if he’d walk him to his door, voice low and sultry and could anyone ever say no to that? No they could not, Alexander was irresistible. Thomas tried not to think about it too hard but fucking hell, Alex was the best fuck he’d had in ever. Maybe it was all the feelings thrown into the mix, maybe it was that he was so infatuated with Alex that to Thomas no flaws existed on Alex’s body or maybe it was just because Alex really was a good fuck. So of course, Thomas obliged. Thomas <em>then</em> found himself shoving Alex into his own front door and kissing him like tomorrow wouldn’t come. He didn’t really know how one bled into the other, but again, he wasn’t complaining. </p></div><div><p>“Thomas,” Alexander breathed, the air heavy between them. </p></div><div><p>“That’s right baby,” Thomas’ voice was low and his eyes were dark and his lips were slightly parted and holy fucking hell believe you me, there was never, <em>ever</em> anything hotter. Just ever. </p></div><div><p>Alex whimpered, released Thomas’ shirt just long enough to get his door open one handed and dragged the both of them inside, stumbling over his own feet. </p></div><div><p>Something appeared to have snapped inside Thomas and he just needed to <em>take</em>. He held onto as much self control as he could but there were too many white hot emotions, too much frustration surrounding Alexander that he hadn’t been able to release and it seemed, at this opportunity, he couldn’t hold back, pushing Alexander forcefully into the hallway wall a mere few feet away from his bedroom. </p></div><div><p>God and these really were fire kisses, claiming kisses, needy kisses, hot and wet and open mouthed and desperate, Thomas pushing and Alex pushing right back, calculated and reckless and deep and frantic and angry and in love all at once. </p></div><div><p>“Fuck... I missed you,” Thomas murmured, kissing his way down Alex’s jaw, Alex’s neck, desperate to re-mark, to re-claim. </p></div><div><p>“I’ve missed you like this,” Thomas continued as Alex’s eyes fluttered shut, storing this memory for a later date. </p></div><div><p>“I’ve missed you shutting your fucking mouth for once,” Alex wound his fingers in Thomas’ hair, Thomas’ hands gripping at Alex’s waist. “Missed you being mine.” </p></div><div><p>“I’m always fucking yours,” Alex’s voice trembled. “Thomas, please,” he breathed, and everything everywhere was burning hot, the air, Thomas’ lips on his neck, his fingers dancing along the back of Thomas’ neck, their skin touching, their breathing and especially Thomas. Thomas was <em>outrageously</em> hot. </p></div><div>
<p></p><div><p>“Someone seems a little hot n bothered,” Thomas mused, sounded almost casual if not for the edge to his voice. </p></div><div><p>“So does another someone,” Alex quipped back breathlessly, dipping to mark Thomas up a little too because if he was gonna be so blatantly Thomas’, well, Thomas ought to at least let Alex return the favour. </p></div><div><p>Oh and he did, smiled into Alex’s hair, pulling gently as he allowed the smaller to kiss and bite at his neck, his shoulders, anywhere, really. The kid had no limits where Thomas was concerned. </p></div><div><p>In practically no time Alex was bucking up desperately against Thomas’ stomach, tugging at Thomas’ hair, his clothes, everything. </p></div><div><p>“Such a <em>needy</em> boy.” Thomas tutted. “You want me to touch you, Alex?” He nipped Alex’s lower lip. “You want me to carry you to bed and <em>fuck</em> you? Hm?” The whispered authority in his voice made Alex’s knees weak. Alex was finding it increasingly difficult to stand, let alone speak coherently. He nodded frantically, his breath heavy, doubting he’d ever get used to Thomas dirty talking, hoping he’d be able to try. Thomas hummed, tucking Alex’a hair behind his ear and placing a gentle kiss on the corner of his mouth. </p></div><div>
<p></p><div><p>“Sorry pretty, you’re gonna have to give me more than that,” His voice was vaguely amused, almost bored, his breath tickling his lips and Alex decided that Thomas <em>had</em> to be doing it on purpose now, no one was that attractive without trying. Alex’s eyes screwed shut and he banged his head back against the wall. </p></div></div><div><p>“Fucking <em>please</em>,” Alex gritted out. Thomas really, <em>really</em> liked this. How pretty he could get Alex to say please, just for him. Very nice indeed. </p></div><div>
<p></p><div><p>Alex was beyond horny. He needed Thomas and he needed him <em>now</em>. Alex shook his head, breath heavy, looking at Thomas, painfully hard and visibly desperate, he was trembling and his kiss swollen lips and flushed face made him look like some sort of filthy model. </p></div><div><p>“P-please! For fucks fucking <em>sake</em> Jefferson-” Thomas simply offered a half smirk back, hooking his hands under Alex’s thighs and sweeping him up as if he weighed nothing. Alex wound his legs around his Thomas’ waist and buried his head in the crook of his neck, dizzy with relief. He tried to even out his shaking breath, tried to cover himself with the smell of Thomas, placing open mouthed kisses wherever he could reach, mumbling Thomas’ name over and over, almost like a prayer. </p></div></div><div><p>Thomas released his little demon of a lover, trying to stop being fond and start being sexy, this was a way to avoid his feelings, not indulge in them. Alex landed on his back on the bed with a self satisfied little smile on his face and Thomas definitely had to do something about that smug little bastard.</p></div><div><p>Alex kissed him feverishly and fuck, he was making him dizzy. </p></div><div><p>“Shit,” Alex hissed as Thomas gripped onto his his hips, manhandled him into whatever position Thomas wanted him in, pressing messy kisses everywhere.</p></div><div><p>“Good boys don’t swear,” Thomas murmured half heartedly against his jaw. </p></div><div><p>“Fuck you,” Alex laughed. </p></div><div><p>And bye bye to the feels. They clashed together, teeth and tongue and hands gripping fiercely. Thomas gave a tiny half smile before he pulled back to outright stare at Alex. God because his lovely little Alex looked <em>deliciously</em> debauched, his hair was sinfully messy, his eyes were hooded, he was blushing pink and his pupils were blown wide.</p></div><div><p>“T-Thomas...” Thomas allowed himself a smirk as Alex leant his head back, baring his neck as a pretty little show of submission. Thomas kissed feather light, barley there kisses up and down the sides of his neck, pecking him, biting gently and making a few new marks onto Alex’s collarbone over the slightly fading ones. </p></div></div><div><p>“You look so lovely, all owned like this,” Thomas sighed wistfully, pressing his lips against Alex’s. Alex swallowed a moan, because it was crazy how quickly and easily Thomas could unravel him. </p></div><div><p>“‘M not fucking owned, asshole,” Alex definitely did not sound convinced of his own damn statement. His breathlessness and the way he was scrabbling desperately at Thomas’ shirt, tugging at his hair undermined him. </p></div><div><p>“Oh well sure you are, honey,” Thomas sounded like candy. So fucking <em>sweet</em>. You wouldn’t think he was a sadistic prick. </p></div><div><p>“Fuck,” Alex groaned. </p></div><div><p>Thomas laughed at him. “Look at you. You’re mine, plain and simple. And now everyone knows it, don’t they darling?” Alex almost growled at him but the noise died in his throat as Thomas pulled his shirt off and Alex was rendered speechless. Thomas bent down to kiss him so nicely. </p></div><div><p>“Please, just fucking do something,” Alex whined, rolling his hips against Thomas’.</p></div><div><p>“Oh, baby.” Thomas smiled and god it was devastating. Thomas pinned Alex’s hands to his sides and Alex’s head fell back against the bed, Thomas working at the sensitive spot where Alex’s neck met his shoulder. “You know I’ll look after you, don’t you?” his voice was a low sugary whisper that made Alex ache for him more. </p></div><div><p>Alex bucked up desperately, writhing and whining, taking deep, shaking breaths to try and calm himself. It was so unfair that they were both still fully clothed. </p></div><div><p>“Yeah, Thomas, I- fuck, I need you,”</p></div><div><p>“I know.” Thomas whispered and fuck, Alex’s brain function just shut off completely. </p></div><div><p>How was Thomas so effortlessly the hottest thing ever? It was infuriating.</p></div><div><p>“Beautiful,” Thomas whispered hungrily as he started tearing away bits of Alex’s clothing and something (or someone) somehow made Alex believe it too. </p></div><div><p>“I can’t get you outta my head,” Alex whispered against Thomas collarbone, intertwining their fingers, sighing in his post orgasmic haze. Man and this really had been a <em>good</em> one. “Like, ever. Even before all... this.” Alex shook his head, cuddling down even further and Thomas was definitely a cuddler, so he was thoroughly enjoying this. “I’m trying to let you know I’m sorry.” Alex shuffled up to kiss the corner of Thomas’ lips. “Because I am sorry and I fucking missed you, even though you weren’t gone for me to miss.” Alex sighed and kissed Thomas again, soft this time. “Jesus, Jefferson you’ve got me fucked up.” Alex smiled. “But I kinda like it.”  </p></div><div><p>The world was quiet. Everything peaceful and sweet and <em>quiet</em>, bathing in the warm late summer light and yeah, the last few days were a whole ass fucking rollercoaster and both Alex and Thomas were suffering with a serious case of emotional whiplash but hey, they were here, together and rather happy about it. </p></div><div><p>“Alex... are you okay?” Thomas asked. Alex nestled further into Thomas’ chest, revelling in the warm skin against his own. </p></div><div><p>“<em>Yes</em>. Why wouldn’t I be?” Alex sounded far too defensive. </p></div><div><p>“I don’t know,” Thomas tucked his arms around Alex’s hips. “You’re just so damn up and down these last few days, I don’t know where we stand.” He stroked Alex’s hair gently. </p></div><div><p>“Thomas don’t ruin it,” Alex sighed, pulling himself away from Thomas and sitting up, facing away. </p></div><div><p>Wow. Okay, so? What was happening again? </p></div><div><p>“Alex..?” Thomas had no idea what was going on with Alex. The kid was all over the fucking place, and Thomas started to think that maybe it was his fault. Well, that definitely it was his fault. I mean, they “hated” each other, then they were running away together, <strike>then they were falling for each other</strike>, then they fucked, then they broke each other’s hearts, then they fought, then they fucked again, and now? Now what? Were they about to fight again? Thomas was in the dark here. </p></div><div><p>“I just wanna be irresponsible for a bit, to not have to worry about my fucking <em>feelings,</em>” Alex wrapped his arms around himself like armour. “I don’t know any other kids my age who <em>need</em> just one fucking dude and fucking refuse to-“ Alex cut himself off with a huff. Thomas melted into a smile. So Alex wasn’t mad at him after all, the stupid kid was mad at himself. Awwe, god he was so damn cute. </p></div><div><p>“Oh, come here. My little idiot.” Thomas pulled him down beside him. </p></div><div><p>“Get off me,” Alex grumbled but he was already curling back into Thomas’ warmth. “Seriously, Thomas, the only people I know who are settled in at my age are my friends and they’re all fucking weird. It’s insanity.”</p></div><div><p>“You saying we’re settled in?” Thomas asked, he sounded kinda mocking but he really was touched. </p></div><div><p>“<em>No</em>,” Alex scowled and intertwined their fingers again, nestling further under Thomas’ chin. </p></div><div><p>“Oh, way to prove your point.” Thomas snorted. He stayed quiet for a moment. “Definitely feels like we’re settled in though, doesn’t it?” </p></div><div><p>Alex didn’t say anything for a while. “Yeah. It does.” </p></div><div><p>“Is that... bad?” Thomas asked, curling Alex’s hair around his fingers, petting him lovingly. </p></div><div><p>“Dunno.” Alex sounded sleepy. “You’re fine to be settled in, old man. I’m barely 18.” </p></div><div><p>“You’re 23 in 5 months.” </p></div><div><p>“Stop it!” Alex whined. “I don’t wanna be old. Being old sucks. If my back hurts now god knows what it’ll be like when I’m <em>your</em> age.” Alex shivered. Thomas gasped in mock offence. </p></div><div><p>“My- <em>My age</em>?” He demanded. “I’m only 5 years older than you, that’s the amount of difference between you and your stupid barely 18, idiot.” Thomas shook his head. “Old. I’m not fucking old.” He grumbled to himself. </p></div><div><p>“I kinda like that you’re just that bit older than me. Makes me feel... safe. Y’know?”</p></div><div><p>“God, not an older men kink, oh <em>no</em>. You’ll be after Washington, leaving me for my boss.” Alex blushed. Not about the Washington thing, no that was just absurdity, but about how Thomas said that Alex would ‘leave him’, implying that there was at least something here to leave. “Christ, you’ll be calling me daddy next,” Thomas continued, shaking his head. </p></div><div><p>“Hm,” Alex kissed Thomas’ collarbone, just because he wanted to and he god damn could, and that wasn’t always the case. “I don’t hate it.” </p></div><div><p>“Jesus- come on, fucking dumb ass, don’t you have something better to be doing?” Thomas nudged him, rolling his eyes. </p></div><div><p>“Fuck- shit! I actually do have something- fuck, I mean, well, it’s not better than this obviously, but fuck, yeah, I’m meant to be going over to Hercules and Laf’s place. Fuck, stupid fucking doink,” Alex smacked his own forehead and Thomas laughed at him. “Oh fuck, I’m sorry,” Alex dashed around, grabbing various items of clothing off the floor and tugging them on like some highschooler after a one night stand. </p></div><div><p>“Don’t be, darling. ‘M enjoying the view,” Thomas settled back against the headboard, arms lounged behind his head and shit, the dude looked fucking urethral and Alex almost said screw it all, time for round two but he knew his friends would probably check in on him and he just couldn’t be bothered with that. </p></div><div><p>But god damn, Thomas <em>had</em> to know the affect he had on Alex, leaned back all regal with his tongue caught between his teeth, his chest and his arms and his stomach all lined with scratches, his neck covered in love bites. Alex doubted he looked any better; he could feel the bruises on his hips and on his wrists, there was a sore bite mark on his shoulder and if his neck was wrecked before he dreaded what it looked like now. </p></div><div><p>“So,” Thomas asked, pulling his shoes on. “Friends?” No. Never. Never ever only friends, they were so much fucking more than that. </p></div><div><p>Alex nodded, not looking over. “Yeah. Friends.” He forced a smile onto his face. </p></div></div><div>
  <p>Thomas nodded, eyes lingering. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Okay. Good.” Thomas looked down. For fucks sake why did even <em>this</em> hurt? “You want me to drop you off?” Okay, yes, Thomas was a gentleman, that much was known, but he never, never ever put this much effort into being around one person before. It was crazy. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Alex hesitated. Spending extended periods of time with Thomas really probably wasn’t the best idea with his current up and down mental state. “I can-“</p>
</div><div>
  <p>“I swear to fucking god, Alex if you say the subway,” Thomas glared. Alex grinned sheepishly. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Could you take me?” </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Obviously. C’mon,” Thomas held his hand out for Alex but Alex instead buried himself beneath Thomas’ arm, desiring the closeness. Thomas grinned fondly and Jesus, imagine Thomas god damn Jefferson being the epitome of fond. Such a soft, secretly loving word. He pulled Alex close, gave him an unbearably adoring smile and they were basically married. They might as well be. You’d think they were on their way to pick their kids up from school or something, honestly. It really was stupid how they couldn’t fucking open their eyes enough to see that. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Alex linked their fingers the second they were seated within Jareth and he grinned to himself when he felt the car start around him. He just really enjoyed it. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>He glanced over at Thomas and Thomas’ eyes were looking ahead but Alex knew he knew that Alex was looking. And this really was homely, how he was always in Thomas’ car, holding onto Thomas’ hand, covered in pretty little marks made by Thomas, smelling just like Thomas. It felt right, he felt at ease with the world when his world was just Thomas. </p>
</div>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>heyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy<br/>I heard that the more y’s you put on a hey, the more you like the person it’s sent to so, y’know :))<br/>gang,..,,,,. (that’s you guys now btw).,,.., i have plans and i don’t think yall are gonna like ‘em.,,.<br/>but OH weLL &lt;333<br/>The Thomas’ sad night pov will be up shortly but now I’m gonna sleep cause im tired and I have to be out with friends in 8 hours which is a nightmare of epic proportions but there you go<br/>Ily all and gOD the comments- they’re making me cry, they’re making me laugh and they’re making me think that you guys would write this tale better than I sbsbnhakjdjan<br/>It’s thoroughly enjoyable when you guys interact with me so I thank you!!! ahah<br/>~willow xxx</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0025"><h2>25. An all knowing wizard</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>........... i don’t think you guys are gonna like me anymore after this one.........</p>
<p> </p>
<p>I’m sorry.............</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    
<p></p><div>
  <p>“Well, thanks for bringing me but you didn’t have to walk me to the door, idiot,” Alex hit Thomas’ arm playfully. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“I’ve not been to Laf's new place yet, just wanted to make sure you weren’t here to meet someone else.” Thomas grinned. And yeah, Alex knew he was joking okay, he <em>knew</em>, but still... butterflies. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“You’re stupid. I think I’m pretty satisfied with what I got earlier for the time being, and I’ve got the bruises to show for it, thanks.” Alex shoved his bruising wrists (don’t worry, he bruises ridiculously easily,) under Thomas’ nose, his hip jutting out pointedly and he smirked at Thomas’ blush. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“I didn’t mean- I mean, I don’t wanna... I’m sorry,“ Thomas stumbled over his words and oh goodness, he really was unrealistically cute. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Save your apologies, Jefferson. I rather like it.” he kissed Thomas quick and okay and it really did just feel like a regular, very right thing to do now. Thomas cleared his throat. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Right,” he sounded just a little hoarse and Alex laughed at him. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Dumb ass.” He shook his head with a smile, turning to knock on the door in front of them. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Lafayette answered. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Alexander, mon amour! Wonderful to see you, mon petit lion,” he grinned wide, leaning down to kiss Alex’s cheek. “Ah and you brought my dear Thomas! Oh, magnifique!” His eyes twinkled knowingly and- not for the first time- Alex wondered if he was some sort of all knowing wizard. Alex just shook his head dipping under Lafayette’s arm holding the door open and wandered into the kitchen like it was his own house. Thomas looked back at Lafayette when Alex strolled out of view and Thomas also wondered if Lafayette was some sort of all seeing eye. Maybe he was, who knows. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Are you joining us, mon ami?” Lafayette asked like he already knew the answer. Well, I mean he did. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“I don’t know how Alex will feel about that. Or anyone else, really.” Thomas spotted Laurens and if he didn't wanna stay with Alex before, he absolutely definitely did now. He knew that horrible borderline animalistic part of him was just that: horrible and borderline animalistic. But there wasn’t anything he could do about it, so he might as well acknowledge it. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“How you say... uhh... oh-! Bitch please.” Laf deadpanned. “You must know by now Alex enjoys your company, and the rest of us love you. You’re more than welcome, mon cheri.” Thomas smiled after only a moment of hesitation. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Okay, yeah.” Lafayette grinned at him. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Come on in.” </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Aw, hey, Thomas!” Peggy grinned happily upon seeing Thomas, Alex stood next to her. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“You’re staying?” Alex asked hopefully. Please, god it’s unreal how cute Alex was.</p>
</div><div>
  <p>Thomas nodded. “Mhm.” Thomas reached his arm out and Alex walked right into his chest without thinking about it like second nature, a broad grin on his face. “If that’s okay with you,” Thomas broke out into a smile. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Hm,” Alex mused, leaned in close, his chin on Thomas’ chest as he stared directly up at him. “Nah. I don’t really think I want you to stick around.” Alex smiled wide as he could, turned to tuck himself into Thomas’ side, nestling under his arm and staring up at him as if nothing else at all existed. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Shame.” </p>
</div><div>
  <p>They smiled at each other and even Maria who was married to the love of her life was just surprised <em>that</em> amount of love could show on two peoples faces. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Hercules cleared his throat and the boys snapped out of it, looking around at everyone staring at them. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Um-“</p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Thomas your shirt’s buttons aren’t done properly.” Peggy cut in knowingly. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Wha-“</p>
</div><div>
  <p>“There’s a hairbrush in the bathroom, Alex, dyou wanna borrow it?” Hercules asked and he sounded innocent enough but he looked like a mix between the winky emoji and the sunglasses one. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“A scarf maybe?” Maria muttered, smirking into her drink. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Another sock?” Lafayette added, eying Alex one socked foot and his other naked one. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Thomas and Alex were beginning to realise what they looked like, and it wasn’t a picture of innocence I’ll tell you. </p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>They were having a very enjoyable time. They had board games out, they had snacks and movies and anything a group of 20 somethings could want on a weeknight. Maria, Hercules, Laurens, Laf and Peggy were there as well as our Alex and Thomas. Thomas fit in so nicely and Alex loved looking over and seeing him talking to someone, especially loved when he looked over and found Thomas’ eyes already on him. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>They were meant to be here. I mean, not necessarily Hercules and Lafayette’s new shared apartment, but <em>here</em>, amongst mutual friends, playing board games and grinning stupid huge grins at each other, meeting the other’s eyes from across the room. He felt a really pathetic need to be joined at the hip, right next to Thomas always. He didn’t know what to do about it, didn’t wanna bother Thomas and his mingling so kept his distance for the most part but he couldn’t keep his eyes from wandering no matter how hard he tried. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>He jumped a little at John’s cold fingers trailing barely there over his neck, looking intently at the marks.</p>
</div><div>
  <p>Alex watched John’s expressionless face for any tells as to what he was feeling but got nothing. John then held his bruised wrists gently and it didn’t hurt and Thomas wasn’t <em>that</em> rough and he didn’t do it on purpose but Alex knew how it probably looked. </p>
  <p>“John,” he said softly and John’s eyes met his. “I’m fine. It’s okay, he didn’t mean to.” Alex knew John didn’t like Thomas as it was and he really did want his best friend and his other complicated relation that was Thomas to get along.</p>
</div><div>
  <p>Unfortunately he doubted that’d be happening any time soon. </p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Hey Alex, c’mere,” Thomas nodded Alex over. Alex said something or other to Laurens and walked over. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Yeah what-”</p>
</div><div>
  <p>Thomas cut him off with a kiss. Just a simple kiss, pressing and sweet and lovely. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Alex blinked when Thomas pulled away, a dopey grin making its way onto his face. They’d never done that before, never somewhere people could see. But it felt so right, this whole scenario felt right, Thomas being here, Thomas kissing him so naturally, just being with Thomas. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Okay... Okay,” Alex grinned, and Thomas smiled back down at him. “So this is how it is, huh?” </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Well I think this is how it is, yeah,” They sounded like they’d been doing this for <em>years</em>. It wasn’t hard to feel like it too. Alex shook his head, couldn’t get the smile off his face. He found himself more and more abandoning his dreams of adventure in favour of his newfound dreams of domesticity. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Hey, guys can someone get some more salsa?” Hercules called from over the back of the couch. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“I got it.” Alex called and smiled up at Thomas, a big, genuine and very much in love smile. “You and me, cluedo team, yeah?”</p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Only if we play Mrs. Peacock.” </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Naturally.” They grinned at each other and fuck, you’ve seen people less adoring on their wedding day. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Alex waltzed back into the kitchen, eyes slightly dazed, smiling like an idiot and grabbed the salsa off the table in favour of ignoring John and the undoubtedly many questions he had after seeing that. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“So,” John began. Here we go. “You two, are you like..? Exclusive? Now? You and him?” </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Alex looked over at Thomas, sat comfortably amongst Alex’s friends, laughing and talking and looking like he belonged. He was so precious, he was so fucking cute like that, when he didn’t know Alex was watching. God, Alex only wished (man and he really did wish) that they were exclusive, that he could have Thomas all to himself. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>But he knew that was never gonna happen. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Me and him,” Alex repeated. He smiled to himself then looked back up at John. “Nah. That’s not the sorta thing he’d go for.” John hummed. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Good,” he dipped down ever so quick to press a syrupy kiss to Alex’s slightly parted lips as he grabbed his chin, gave him a smile and then sauntered off into the living room leaving Alex spluttering in the kitchen. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Hey kiddo,” Maria appeared from nowhere, grabbing the salsa from Alex’s hand and rummaging around for more chips. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Uh... I- did you-? Fuck,” Alex felt dizzy. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“You okay babe?” Maria asked, concerned. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“I’m... um, just... shit,” </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Thomas looked up from his conversation with Hercules. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Alex shook his head. “I’m fine, just um... just got a little light headed,” Alex tried to pull himself together and jumped at a hand on the small of his back. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“You alright?” Thomas asked and thank fuck it was Thomas. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Mhm. Yeah.” Alex leaned back into Thomas, shutting his eyes. He was fucked. </p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Why the fuck did you do that?” Alex demanded, slamming John into the wall of the tiny convenience room full of moving boxes and the last owner’s junk. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“What?” John didn’t even bother to sound innocent and gods above, Alex was angry. Angry at himself, at John, fuck he was angry at Thomas. He kept forgetting that part. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“You fucking know what, Laurens,” Alex growled, John’s shirt clenched in his fists as he pushed him back fiercely again. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Alex didn’t even register what was happening in a blur of movement until the very second he felt his back bang against the wall. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Uh fucking oh, jesus, god, fuck please no.</p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Why didn’t you stop me?” John whispered, leaning in way too close, way way too close, fingers pushing his chin up and it was dangerous, Alex knew, for once in his god damn life, even the alarms in his head realised this was wrong. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>This wasn’t what should be happening because of <em>Thomas</em>. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Breath on his lips scared Alex, the words ghosting over his mouth, a fraction of a moment away, a sickly mix of fear and anger boiling over in Alex’s mind and fuck, why could he never keep a level head? </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Alex could almost feel John’s smile spreading across his face and he tried to stop his heart beating so god damn fast, tried to stop his face heating up, tried to stop the furious little voice in his head telling him to just let this happen, just to spite Thomas because, just like he’d told John, the two weren’t actually involved with each other. Alex was hopelessly head over heels, Thomas continuously refused to realise, Alex’s emotions said ‘fuck you’ on an hourly basis going from one extreme to the other because of fucking Jefferson, stupid fucking Jefferson sat a few metres away on the other side of the wall Alex was currently pushed against, probably looking much too cute as he smiled amongst Alex’s friends like he had any right to be here after how badly he fucked everything up. Alex could maybe deal with this better if it was strictly about sex but Thomas was confusing and Alex hated not knowing and Alex tried to pretend that these feelings were real, that he was actually angry at Thomas and not his stupid fucking self. I mean, it’s not like anyone asked him to fall in love. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>So he didn’t push him away when John closed the gap. Cause why should he? Cause of <em>Thomas</em>? Fuck all that noise, Thomas had failed to mention any strings that were attached and if there were any strings or even anything to attach them to before then Thomas should’ve fucking said something about it. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>The kiss was halfway between innocence and a full blown make out. Probably edging a little further towards the latter. But there were no feelings behind it, at least not for each other. Alex was angry, Laurens liked watching <em>Thomas</em> get angry and I think the common ground was hoping to get Alex to realise that anyone who wasn’t Thomas just wouldn’t suffice. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>John wasn’t trying to steal Alex away or anything. He didn’t like him that way, not anymore. Well. I mean, he’d be lying if he said he didn’t still <em>think</em> about Alex in a bit more than a friendly way but they were only thoughts, no longer feelings. He just didn’t fucking like Jefferson. He really didn’t. He didn’t think he was any good for Alex, he didn’t like the way he made Alex feel, he didn’t like how fucking quick everything had happened between Alex and Thomas, he didn’t like their history and at the end of the day, Alex was John’s best friend. Nothing more, nothing less. And he really, really didn’t wanna see him hurt and John was almost sure that Thomas would hurt Alex. </p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>They emerged less than 3 minutes later looking entirely decent and you wouldn’t suspect a thing. There was the cluedo board set up, there was pop corn, chips, dip and various other little tibits laid out as well as an armchair saved for John and a space on the loveseat next to Thomas for Alex. But Alex didn’t wanna sit beside his (lover? I mean, they’d agreed on friend but fuck that, they were always gonna be more than that,) Thomas, didn’t wanna put himself in a position where he’d be desperate to cuddle into his side, under his arm opposite John who had just kissed Alex stupid. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>It’s just not something Alex thought he’d enjoy. So he sat cross legged on the floor beside Thomas’ legs, couldn’t even look at him properly because no matter what Alex told himself about strings or the lack thereof, he knew that they both knew they had something. Alex knew Thomas wouldn’t do something like this so why the fuck had he let his emotions get the better of him <em>again</em>? He couldn’t keep blaming everything on Thomas, he couldn’t. </p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>In the past half an hour, Alex had gone from sitting half a foot away from Thomas’ shins on the floor to leaning on said shins to between Thomas’ legs with his back against the couch to on Thomas’ lap to all cuddled sort of sideways, Alex’s legs between Thomas’, Alex’s back to Thomas’ chest, Alex’s head tucked nicely between Thomas’ shoulder and his chin. Their fingers danced around each other fleetingly, not really staying in one position for more than 5 minutes but always touching. Thomas seemed so calm and happy and at ease and guilt was eating away at Alex like poison corroding his veins but he forced himself to forget, if only for now. He knew he wouldn’t let himself get away with it, he knew he wouldn’t. But he just wanted things to be fine for now. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>So he let them be fine. He avoided John like the plague, staying in constant contact with Thomas at all times though John seemed fine. Completely unperturbed. He talked to his friends, careful not to drink anything incase his secret slipped out. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>He knew how fucking bad that was. God it was so awful of him and he felt so wrong and dirty. His reasoning seemed perfectly valid in the moment but looking now it was seriously flawed and none of that should ever have happened. But Thomas was the happiest Alex had seen him in a while and he really didn’t wanna ruin that. So he held off telling him. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>He held off telling him in the car on their way home, intertwining their fingers and smiling away at Thomas. He held off telling him when they got to his door because his stomach did that horrible droppy feeling and he couldn’t bring himself to do it. He usually had no trouble being bold as brass but he couldn’t stand the thought of watching the smile drip from Thomas’ face. Hell, maybe it wouldn’t, maybe it’d stay intact all pretend and forced and Alex didn’t know which would be more heartbreaking. He held off telling him when Thomas kissed him goodbye so sweetly, his hands laid ever so lightly on his hips, so romantic and lovely and Alex could get drunk off of it. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Alex held off telling him. He’d tell him tomorrow. Not today. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Alex opened his door and didn’t shut it, waited for Thomas to come in and shut it for him and took a step backwards with every step forward Thomas took. Thomas smiled and shook his head, waiting for Alex to fall backwards onto the bed. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Well well well. What have we here?” Thomas mused. Alex giggled. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Shut up, come here,” He did the grabby thing with his hands that babies do and Thomas wondered why the fuck he hadn’t fallen sooner. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“I wonder why, out of all people, you’re the one I choose to spend my time with.” Thomas sighed. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Because I’m wonderful and you agree,” Alex said. Thomas flopped down next to him. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“I do. I don’t know what’s gotten into me,” Thomas drew Alex close, holding him, pressing little kisses everywhere and he asked himself if maybe Alex felt the same. If maybe they could be something real instead of refusing to talk about their need to be together always and always. Thomas shrugged it off for now, wanting to just stay here, to kelp Alex cuddled against his chest until morning. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Thomas held off telling him. He’d tell him tomorrow. </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Not today. </p>
</div>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>um...... hey??? Do you guys still like me??? uh ohhh i may have.... i may have done a lil oopsie here....... <br/>buT heY..,... yall seem to like angst..??.?,?? <br/>ugh i am sorry <br/>I love you????<br/>Yours, willow xxx</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0026"><h2>26. Thomas’ point of view</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>just a quick short chapter of Thomas’ POV on the night he and Alex parted ways for those who asked for it, feel free to skip :))</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>potential tw</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Thomas drove home in silence. Overwhelming silence. He felt like there was an all consuming emptiness inside him, like a black hole or a vacuum, something dangerous and dark and destructive. Against every instinct in him he’d left Alex on his own, crying and trembling in that cold, dimly lit hall and he wouldn’t ever stop beating himself up about it. He didn’t deserve to be forgiven for that. </span>
</p>
<p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">But it didn’t stop him from trying to forget it the second he got in. He parked his car on the street for once, walked numbly up the stairs, let himself in and kept his frosty exterior for no one in particular. Heavy feet carried him over to his dumb pretentious bar to pour outrageously expensive alcohol into a stupidly expensive glass, hoping the burn of the whiskey would take his mind off of the constant burn of Alex, of Alex’s kisses on his lips, of Alex’s hand gripping his, of Alex, pure and simple and impossible. God he missed him. </span>
</p>
<p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">He dropped himself onto his couch, swilling the drink round his glass, his eyes dark with anger and regret and fear. </span>
</p>
<p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">He felt something snap in his pocket, furrowed his eyebrows and pulled out a broken paper umbrella. </span>
</p>
<p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Fuck. </span>
</p>
<p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">That’s what pushed Thomas over the edge, what broke him. </span>
</p>
<p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">He threw his glass forcefully, watching with fiery eyes as it shattered into tiny splinters, watched the amber liquid spread across his floor, felt the evil burning of anger consume him as he stood, threw his table over, scattering it’s contents everywhere. Thomas’ vision went white as blinding anger took over his whole being, destroying everything he could in attempt to quiet the unrelenting self hatred in him. </span>
</p>
<p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Every part of him missed Alexander in a way he’d never experienced in his life as he sunk to the floor amongst the wreckage of his apartment, shutting his eyes, running shaking hands through his hair. </span>
</p>
<p class="p1"><span class="s1">He was ruined. He’d told Alex just that but he... he really was </span> <span class="s2">ruined.</span> <span class="s1">He wasn’t okay. None of this was anything that resembled okay. </span></p>
<p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Secrets swaddled in fear, chained by doubts and locked away in lies were weighing him down, every bone breaking under the pressure of his inability to just stop fucking loving his Alexander. </span>
</p>
<p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“I’m sorry, I’m sorry I never wanted to leave you,” Thomas whispered, the feeling of Alex etched into his muscle memory, hair around his fingers, legs tangled together, hips under his fingers, lips against his like some form of beautiful torture, the pain you picture in poems. </span>
</p>
<p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">He wanted to cut that part out of him, to shape himself into a new person and leave behind the parts that loved Alex. The parts that made him who he was. </span>
</p>
<p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">But he couldn’t and fuck, the pressure of the air was suffocating him, pouring gasoline down his throat in an attempt to put out the fire destroying him from inside out. This feeling, this terrifying feeling was going to kill him. </span>
</p>
<p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">He reached blindly behind him for the bottle, knowing this was the only retreat he’d get from the unyielding noise of his head. </span>
</p>
<p class="p1"><span class="s1">He let the liquid regret burn its way down into his veins, felt the growing heat and decided this couldn’t be love. This feeling, this predicament could not be love. No, this cruel, malicious pain couldn’t possibly be so romanticised. He took another swig of his whiskey, pulling out his phone, finger hovering over Alex’s number. The contact photo was one of the few Thomas had gotten that weekend of Alex almost asleep in the middle of a movie. Less than a day ago he’d had Alexander in his clothes, in his house with him and </span> <span class="s2">only him, </span> <span class="s1">so plainly and sweetly Thomas’</span><span class="s2">,</span> <span class="s1"> and now here Thomas was leaning back against his bar, sprawled out on the floor looking over his disaster of a living room with Alex too far away from him and there Alex was, crying alone in that hallway. It felt like a stab in the gut. Like a punishment for something unforgivable in a past life. And Thomas hated it like he’d never hated anything before. </span></p>
<p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">He closed his eyes and let himself hurt. He deserved to be hurt. </span>
</p>
<p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">He didn’t know how long he spent on the floor, glaring at the broken paper umbrella amongst the broken glass in his broken living room and why was everything Thomas worked so hard to keep safe broken?</span>
</p>
<p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">He didn’t know how long it was until James knocked at his door and let himself in, silently clearing away majority of the mess while Thomas sat, tear soaked and expressionless, trying to drink himself out of this reality. </span>
</p>
<p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">He didn’t know how long it took James to finish clearing things up, to get Thomas standing, to brush him off and look him dead on, eyes full of pity and disappointment. </span>
</p>
<p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“You should have told him.” He said quietly and then walked out. </span>
</p>
<p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">He didn’t know how long it took for him to knock himself out with copious amounts of alcohol and contemplation and crying till his head hurt and his lungs burnt, and the last thought he had before his body shutting down was wondering if it was worth it to wake up again. </span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0027"><h2>27. All time favourite heater</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>we’re back to real time now gang :))</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Don’t you dare.” Alex grumbled as Thomas tried to slide out of bed at around 7. Thomas grinned at the arms tightening around his waist, at Alex pulling himself over to settle between Thomas’ legs and nuzzle back down into Thomas’ thigh, ready to go back to sleep. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Darlin’, I gotta,” Thomas whispered. “Believe me baby if I could stay I would, you know I would but I gotta go home, get ready. We have work.” </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“No,” Alex cuddled Thomas aggressively. “Stay with me. Keep me warm. You’re my all time favourite heater and <em>I need sleep</em>,” Alex mumbled. Thomas loved him. Fuck, he loved him with every little thing he had. </span>
</p><p class="p1"><span class="s1">“You can go back to sleep but I gotta go, baby, I can’t go to work in </span> <span class="s2"><em>this</em></span><span class="s1">,” by </span> <span class="s2"><em>this</em></span> <span class="s1"> he meant a spare pair of Lafayette’s sweat pants Alex had tucked away in a drawer. That’s it.</span></p><p class="p1"><span class="s1">“I disagree. It’d make my life </span> <span class="s2"><em>far</em></span> <span class="s1"> more interesting.” </span></p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Oh yeah?” Thomas shook his head, half heartedly trying to pry himself out of Alex’s grip. Alex pondered for a moment. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Hm. Maybe not. My knees would probably get sore.” </span>
</p><p class="p1"><span class="s1">“Your-? </span> <span class="s2"><em>Oh</em></span><span class="s1">- oh fuck, Alex,” Thomas laughed. </span></p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Cmon Tommy it’s too early for this,” Alex whined as he forced himself to sit up, eyes still shut and flopped down against Thomas’ chest, arms flung around his neck. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Stay here with me</span>
  <span class="s1">. All for always.” Sleepy Alex didn’t really make too much sense but it still warmed something in Thomas. “You’re so warm and comfy and you smell so good like all the time.” Thomas could tell Alex was falling back asleep. “And so pretty. And nice to me. Don’t ever leave me, Tommy, stay here for me, be my sexy pillow, yeah?”</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Sorry darling, I’d love to but I’m really gonna have to go,” Alex opened his eyes blearily to glare at Thomas. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“I’ll blow you if you stay.” He said eventually. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Tempting, but you’ll blow me if I go. Hey and I’m pretty sure I could get you to ask nicely too, all pretty for me.” Damn and if the confidence in his words didn’t set Alex’s tummy on fire.  </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Shut up,” Alex’s face heated up so much Thomas thought he’d get burnt. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Am I wrong?”</span>
</p><p class="p1"><span class="s1">“Shut </span> <span class="s2"><em>up</em></span><span class="s1">.” he repeated. </span></p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“My little slut.” Thomas sighed with a slanted smile. “I gotta leave, lovely,” </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“No.” </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Alex I cant be half naked in the office, it’s just unprofessional-“ </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“No, idiot, I mean take me home with you,” Alex nestled into Thomas’ collarbones. “You can get dressed, I get to stay with you, it’s really a win win.” Alex yawned.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Thomas adored how hard Alex was trying to stay close to him. He loved it to bits and oh god, the possessive animal part of him really was having a field day. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Fine. Up you get.”</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Um, no, I don’t think that’s gonna be happening.” </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“I’m not carrying you.” </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Alex grinned. </span>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Thomas carried him. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Yeah yeah, he was a complete pushover when it came to Alex. He knew. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Regardless, he carried Alex all bundled in his arms to his car, he dropped him down gently and he still hadn’t reset his seat settings from when Alex spent half an hour fiddling with them but Alex seemed to appreciate that. He sat behind the wheel, reached into the back where he always had a spare sweater or scarf or blanket or something, and threw a purple sweater with flowers on the sleeves at Alex. Alex smiled wide over at Thomas and pulled it over his head. Thomas could always tell when Alex was cold and he would be disappointed to see the cute polo shirt Alex’d put on last minute covered up but he always looked so damn cute in Thomas’ clothes. Thomas would never be able to get over it. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“You’re fucking adorable,” Thomas whispered, watching Alex settle against the window and shut his eyes again, reaching out to stroke his hair behind his ear.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Yes, I am. You better think yourself lucky that I’m yours.” </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Thomas’ heart dropped to his stomach at Sleepy Alex so casually saying such a thing. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Mine?” He tried to keep his voice even. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Don’t you know it. Yours all yours.” A surge of possessiveness took ahold of Thomas and wasn’t that just far too common nowadays. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“You’re damn right you’re fucking mine,” Thomas near growled and oops, this was a little change of pace. Alex blinked awake at that, blushing furiously. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Jesus, Thomas.” Alex shivered. “Fuck, I’ve gone all goosebumpy,” Alex looked over and Thomas tried to clear his head. He’d gotta stop these outbursts if he wanted to be a functioning member of society. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Sorry. I don’t mean to- it’s just you, you’ve got me fucked up, Hamilton.” </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Yeah, the feeling’s mutual.” Alex sighed, taking ahold of Thomas’ hand as he always did, curling in towards Thomas this time. </span>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Unofficially owned.” Alex murmured, trailing his fingers over his neck and shoulders, staring at himself in Thomas’ steamed up bathroom mirror. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“What’s that meant to mean?” Thomas asked, pressing himself right behind Alex. Alex shut his eyes and leant his head back onto Thomas’ shoulder, trying to send himself back 10 minutes to his and Thomas’ rather very steamy shower make out. </span>
</p><p class="p1"><span class="s1">“Well, I’m yours, we know I’m yours and I like to imagine you’re mine too, but... we’re not... I </span> <span class="s2"><em>know</em></span> <span class="s1">we aren’t... I wish we </span> <span class="s2">were</span> <span class="s1"> but I know I can’t ask for that. And so, here we are.” </span></p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Thomas felt bad. Thomas felt really bad at how no matter how much he tried to make it obvious that he was in love with Alex, the kid refused to believe anyone could want him. And Thomas really had tried to let Alex know just how much he meant to him. He’d let his Alex down. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Alex...” He didn’t know what to say. So instead of saying anything, he turned Alex around, titled his chin upwards with his fingers and kissed him, slow sweet and syrupy. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“I could just kiss you forever,” Alex mumbled, combing his fingers though Thomas’ wet hair. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Wouldn’t that be nice, but we’re probably gonna be late for work.” Thomas nudged Alex head back, kissing down his neck. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Worth it,” Alex breathed. Thomas laughed and pulled back, smiling. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“So, later. You up for dinner? I’ll take you somewhere real nice, how about that, hm?” Thomas tried to sound confident and he was pretty sure he pulled it off but inside he really was nervous. He tucked Alex’s wet hair behind his ear and watched a smile slowly deep across Alex’s face. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“That sounds... great,” Alex grinned. “Really really fucking great.” </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Yeah?” </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Alex nodded enthusiastically, grabbing Thomas’ face and kissing him. “Oh hell yeah.” He smiled against Thomas’ lips and fuck this had been a long time coming. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">But... John. </span>
</p><p class="p1"><span class="s1">Fuck, holy fuck, </span> <span class="s2"><em>John</em></span><span class="s1">. </span></p><p class="p1"><span class="s1">Alex had made himself forget about that whole ordeal to make things okay with Thomas, but he couldn’t actively </span> <span class="s2">lie</span> <span class="s1"> to Thomas. He couldn’t. </span></p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">But was avoiding the truth really even lying..?</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Jesus fucking christ the fact that he was even considering keeping this from Thomas was bad. Real bad. This was absolutely gonna bite him in the ass. </span>
</p><p class="p1"><span class="s1">Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck fuck, it should never have happened, never ever have happened and </span> <span class="s2">why didn’t Alex say no? </span></p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Fuck, he should have said no. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Alex, you okay? You’ve gone all pale, you good?” </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Alex shook his head, trying to clear any thoughts out of it and smiled best he could. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Yeah, yeah I’m fine. Thanks. Clothes?”</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Clothes.” Thomas agreed cheerfully. </span>
</p><p class="p1"><span class="s1">Alex’s forced smile wavered. This was the happiest Alex had ever seen Thomas excluding The Monticello Days and it felt so wrong and cruel to have such a secret that he </span> <span class="s2"><em>knew</em></span><span class="s1">, okay he </span> <span class="s2">knew</span> <span class="s1"> would hurt Thomas. </span></p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Fuck. </span>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Someone knocked on the door as Alex satwith his back against Thomas’ on Thomas’ bed, half re-clothed and staring intently at his emails on Thomas’ computer. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Got it,” Thomas sighed as if Alex had any intention of getting it himself, which they both knew he didn’t. He heaved himself up and made his way over to the door, wondering who’d be at his door at twenty to nine in the morning, except maybe Jemmy who was already notified of the Alexander situation so it couldn’t be him. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Well, I think we all know who it is. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Laurens?”</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Hey, Thomas.” John smiled lopsidedly. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“What’re you-?” </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Alex left his phone at Laf and Herc’s place.” John explained, handing over Alex’s outrageously shit little blackberry. </span>
</p><p class="p1"><span class="s1">“Right...” Thomas stared down at the phone in his hand and made a mental note to get Alex a better phone one day. “How’d you know he was here?” Thomas found that his good mood was so god damn good that not even fucking Laurens could fuck it up. I mean, he’d spent the night at Alex’s, they woke up together, they’d come here together, showered together and they had a date (and actual real date that real people that were into each other actually went on!!) later. I mean come </span> <span class="s2">on</span> <span class="s1">. </span></p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Went over to his, he wasn’t there. Next stop, yours.” Thomas adored that. If Alex wasn’t in his house, the next place to check would be Thomas’. Ugh, brilliant. “You two are like joined at the hip or something lately.” There was something behind John’s eyes that betrayed his easy smile. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Yeah,” Thomas laughed, tucking Alex’s phone in his pocket. Alex appeared in the doorway to Thomas’ room. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Thomas?” He called. Thomas smiled to himself, looking over. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Hey, Alex,” John waved over Thomas’ shoulder. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Alex paled, faltering. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“John,” he walked hesitantly over totuck himself into Thomas’ side, self conscious of his bare legs, trying to tug Thomas’ sweater further down as if John hadn’t seen him before. “Hi...”</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">John smiled and Thomas seemed non the wiser to the tension. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Uh, okay then, well, we should... um... Thomas?” Alex tried. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Right, yeah, okay.” Thomas nodded at John, for once not even feeling bitter or jealous, cause Alex was his. He knew that now. “Friends?” He offered a hand to John. John’s eyes flickered over to Alex’s, lopsided smile still in place. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Sure,” he shook Thomas’ hand. Alex smiled gratefully at John and then, put at ease, retreated back into Thomas’ room to clothe the rest of himself. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“‘M surprised you two are still cool,” John mused. “Well, I’m happy for you,” John turned to leave with a little salute. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“What?” Thomas furrowed his eyebrows. John looked back over his shoulder, then turned to lean against the wall. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Y’know, the whole thing with me ‘n Alex yesterday,” John waved his hand dismissively. “I mean Alex said you two weren’t a thing, no strings attached so I mean, you can’t really be angry about it, can you?” John met Thomas’ eyes, confused, darker. “Wait, he <em>has</em> told you, hasn’t he?” John tilted his head innocently. Thomas slowly shook his head. “Oh fuck, maybe he just didn’t wanna tell you...” that was worse, infinity worse. “I’m sorry for interfering,” like fuck he was. He didn’t even bother to sound it either. “Well, I’ll catch you later,” and then he disappeared around the corner. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <em> <span class="s1">What the fuck was </span> <span class="s2">that</span><span class="s1">? </span> </em>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>heyyyyyyyyyyyyyy<br/>So i actually tried to be a bit evil in this chapter by making Thomas super duper happy and then fucking that all up for him but there we go, we always knew I was a little sadistic :)))<br/>guys I’ve said it before, I’ll say it again, yous interacting in the comments and like plotting my murder or whatever- I love it so much oh gOd<br/>And I love you lot so much?????? Pls oh my<br/>ALL THE LOVE,<br/>YOURS NOW AND FOREVEr,<br/>Willow &lt;3333333</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0028"><h2>28. You mine?</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Thomas did what Thomas did best and repressed it. Repressed his feelings of inadequacy, of guilt and confusion and uncertainty and betrayal. I mean, he didn’t explicitly </span>
  <span class="s2">
    <em>know</em>
  </span>
  <span class="s1"> that Alex had done anything, but just the implication was enough to fuck him up. Alex continued being fluffy and cute and cuddly but Thomas’ mind was elsewhere. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Okay, okay, let’s be rational here. There was always the possibility that Laurens was lying. Or that he was massively overdramatising something. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s2">
    <em>But</em>
  </span>
  <span class="s1"> there was also the possibility that something had in fact happened. And since that possibility was the worst, it was of course the one Thomas couldn’t get out of his head. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“So later,” Alex couldn’t seem to wipe the smile off his face. Thomas tried so fucking hard to smile back but he just couldn’t manage it. “Shall I go home first, get changed or what?” He grinned excitedly. Thomas kept his eyes on the road on the way to work. Alex had asked him to go the long way round and Thomas obliged though he really didn’t want to, didn’t wanna be pushed into doing something he’d regret. He so desperately wanted to ask Alex about whatever it was John had meant but he didn’t wanna scare Alex off with his intensity. He hated this, he hated it. He was trapped and there was no way out. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Tommy? You okay?” Alex squeezed Thomas’ limp hand after Thomas’ lack of response. Thomas didn’t say anything for a few seconds till they pulled into the car park. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“I’m fine.” He smiled but it didn’t reach. He looked lifeless. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Alex’s face fell. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Had he done something wrong? Had he upset Thomas in some way? He thought they were getting on okay. He unclicked his seatbelt and realeased Thomas’ hand unceremoniously. Fuck him. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Alright. Bye.” He pushed himself up and out of the car, refusing to break down again.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1"> Thomas realised he couldn’t handle another argument. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Alex, wait,” Thomas got out too, locking the car and shaking himself off. He couldn’t do this to Alex again, it wasn’t fair. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Alex waited. Fucking </span>
  <span class="s2">yes</span>
  <span class="s1">, Alex waited. Thomas caught up almost immediately (long leg privileges) and wrapped his arm around Alex’s waist, pulling him close and kissing his head. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“I’m sorry. I’m sorry, honey, I’m just in a shitty mood.” </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Yeah I couldn’t tell.” Alex grumbled, leaning into Thomas. “Can I kiss it better?” Thomas smiled, leaving down slowly. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Well I don’t know about that darlin’ but I sure as hell ain’t gonna stop you trying,” he whispered right in Alex’s ear, accent slightly heavier than normal. Alex squirmed a little but diligently kissed the corner of Thomas’ lips, standing on his tippy toes as they made their way to the elevator. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“I ever tell you how fucking sweet you look in my clothes?” Thomas asked when they entered the creepy metal box that Alex usually avoided but had no problem with now he was here with Thomas. Thomas leant back against the wall, shirt buttons straining just right, sleeves rolled up, exposing his delicious forearms. A very attractive specimen, unfairly so. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Might’ve mentioned it once or twice,” Alex shrugged, putting on his airs and graces. Thomas shook his head fondly. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Well, I’m gonna have to avoid you today lest I drag you into a closet and we don’t come out again.” </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Alex blushed. “Fuck off. Just so happens that I’ve seen a mirror before, so don’t act like I’m anything special, idiot.” Alex looked down with a laugh that Thomas could tell was a little forced. Thomas furrowed his eyebrows and frowned. His poor insecure little darling.  </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Baby you’re fucking beautiful, shut up,” Thomas pulled him under his chin, reaching over to push the button that Alex neglected. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Behave yourself, Tommy.” Alex nuzzled into Thomas’ chest and it probably was a good job that Alex cut Thomas off when he did cause Thomas would’ve gone on a rant for at least 6 days about how fucking perfect Alex was, and the kid needed it too, but it would’ve been impractical. “Wish we were back at yours. Or mine, I don’t even care I just wanna be back in bed with you.” Alex yawned. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“You’re adorable but we’re already late as it is.” Thomas petted Alex’s hair and Alex huffed. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Thomas I really really don’t care. Just take me back to bed and cuddle me till I pass out. Stupid fucking John, stealing like ten minuets from us. I could’ve spent that time </span>
  <span class="s2">much</span>
  <span class="s1"> more productively.” </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“We both know you’d have just sat on me and played episode.” </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Like I said. Coulda done something sensible with my time.” </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">And now John was back on Thomas’ mind. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">But Thomas knew Alex wouldn’t have done any of the things Thomas was imagining... <em>would</em> he?</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">No. No, of course not, and Thomas felt guilt for even thinking that about his lovely little Alex. Fuck, he was being an asshole. But he couldn’t help it. He was ridiculously protective of the little shit as it was and the tiny thought that maybe Alex really wasn’t Thomas’ at all kept festering in Thomas’ head into something uncontrollable. </span>
</p><p class="p1"><span class="s1">“Hey Tommy?” Alex waved his hand in front of Thomas’ face. Thomas blinked his way back into reality. </span>“Our floor, sexy.” </p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Thomas scoffed. “So you get cutesy pet names and I get sexy?” They existed the elevator, Alex two steps ahead, Thomas’ hands loosely in his pocket. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“I’m cutesy and you’re sexy, what can I say.” Alex winked cheesily, walking backwards and it was still ridiculously endearing. Fucking hell this was a problem. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Stupid. Absolutely unbelievably stupid.” Thomas shook his head. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Yet still more intelligent than you.” Alex sighed with a grin. Thomas nudged him. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Fuck off.” They walked past Thomas’ office. Alex furrowed his eyebrows for a moment before looking up at Thomas’ terribly concealed little smile. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Oh you’re never.” </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“What?” </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“You’re never walking me to my office I’m like twenty feet away from yours,” </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Hey-“ Thomas defended. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“God you are so fucking </span>
  <span class="s2">cute</span>
  <span class="s1"> Jefferson,” Alex latched onto his arm, grinning sunnily and a few passerby’s looked confused to say the least, I mean it’d been less than a week since they were literally threatening to kill each other but they aren’t important to Tommy and Alex’s narrative, so we ignore them. </span>
  <span class="s2">We</span>
  <span class="s1"> know what’s up. Not those guys. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Alright then, you big romantic.” Alex smiled. “Go away. I have work to do,” he head butted Thomas’ shoulder gently. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">I love you.  </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">There it was again. Right on the tip of Alex’s tongue. It just felt terrifyingly natural and Alex bit his tongue as the last line of defence against saying it and ducking their slow dance up. Jesus, a few god damn days ago they were casually telling each other how much they hated one another and now look. Fuck. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“We hate each other here, remember? Look, people are staring. Now, go </span>
  <span class="s2">away</span>
  <span class="s1">,” he murmured, actively attempting to pull Thomas into his office. Thomas smirked and glanced around, finding the corridor mostly empty, and deemed it suitable to push Alex into his wall, kicking the door shut behind them. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Luckily for them, Alex was an antisocial little shit and had his blinds closed anyway so this really was handy. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Oh Alex. Alex, Alex, Alex. What am I gonna do with you?” Thomas tutted. Alex laughed quietly against Thomas’ neck. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Dunno, sir,” Alex cocked his head innocently, watched Thomas’ eyes darken just a little. I mean Alex was only joking around, going along with the professional jokiness they appeared to be doing at the minute but perhaps Thomas was a kinky fuck, who knew (Alex already had a rather sizeable hunch). “Oh, you like that hm?” </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Thomas shrugged, his eyes were grinning devilishly but the rest of his face was stony. “Just like you behaving for once.” Thomas crushed their lips back together, the tiniest bit of excess force behind it. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“We’re at work, fucking holy shit,” Alex was already breathless, bouncing onto his tip toes, baring his neck to Thomas. <br/>Thomas was feeling reckless. He had a taste for danger at the moment, wanted it all on the edge knowing he might get caught here with Alex, wanted the adrenaline rush and the indescribably powerful feeling of dirtying Alex up. And yeah, a lot of that probably stemmed from the John incident but fuck off, don’t ask questions. Thomas <em>needed</em> to prove his authority, his control to </span>
  <span class="s2">himself</span>
  <span class="s1"> more than anything. But hey, he knew Alex was more than willing to be an outlet. What a pair they were. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Oh darling I know.” Thomas kissed Alex’s jaw. “That’s what makes it fun.” Thomas murmured low and and fuck if Alex’s stomach wasn’t doing kick flips. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Thomas...” Alex was... I mean obviously he was turned on but like... what had gotten into Thomas? This really wasn’t like him. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">That’s why he was almost relieved when someone knocked at the door and let themselves in. He wanted to find out what was upsetting Thomas before he let him take his frustrations out on Alexander by fucking him into the middle of next week, in the office no less. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Alex-?” </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Ah. Well, maybe this wasn’t good. Alex would’ve preferred it to be his assistant or a random coworker at the door. Not his Washingdad. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Sir-“ Alex stood up straight, side stepping Thomas and wow, okay, Alex could tell that Thomas did </span>
  <span class="s2">
    <em>not</em>
  </span>
  <span class="s1"> like that, but what the fuck was he meant to do? Stand and let himself get kissed fucking dumb right there in front of his surrogate father? No thanks, they got pretty handsy and that just wasn’t something Alex wanted his almost dad to see. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“No, nope, I’m done, I’m </span>
  <span class="s2">
    <em>done</em>
  </span>
  <span class="s1"> with you two. Don’t explain yourselves, I don’t wanna know,” Washington shook his head vigorously, hand over his eyes as he turned to leave again. “Thomas, if you hurt him I’ll destroy your career and then your facial structure or however the dad speech goes, that’ll be all, good day,” Washington waltzed right back out again and oh, alright then, he really did sound completely fed up with Alex and Thomas’ shit. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Alex was still and silent for a moment before bursting out laughing, turning back around to have a good giggle with Thomas but oh dear would you look at that, Thomas had other ideas. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Thomas shoved Alex right back into the wall where he was before, staring intently into his eyes. Alex blinked, the last of his laughter dying in his throat. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Thomas, what the fuck happened-“ Alex questioned but Thomas just pushed forward closer, lips hovering teasingly over Alex’s. He needed this, couldn’t get fucking Laurens out of his head. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Tell me you’re mine.” </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“I’m y-“ </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Thomas shook his head, pushing his finger against Alex’s lips, silencing him. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Only say it if you mean it, Alex. I’m serious.” God and he sounded it too, deadly so. Alex nodded slowly, mouth still closed when Thomas removed his finger, waiting for Thomas to make the first move.  “Are you mine?” </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Alex stayed quiet for a moment, watching Thomas’ eyes with his blown pupils flicker across Alex’s face searchingly. “I’m yours.” He said and there was absolutely not a speck of hesitation or doubt within him. Alex kept his eyes wide and clear, pulled himself open like a book for Thomas to read, easy peasy. “I’m yours, Thomas.” Thomas stared for a while longer before Alex plucked up enough courage. “You mine?” His voice was uncertain, a little shaky, his breath was heavy. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Yes.” Thomas whispered. Alex nodded, taking this all in. He didn’t quite know what they’d confessed, but the words hung heavy in the air like Alex needed to take them gently and wrap them in bubble wrap to review later. They meant something. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Thomas dipped down again. “Tell me again.” Thomas murmured low against Alex’s neck. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“I’m yours,” Alex breathed. “Yours.” </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“</span>
  <span class="s2">
    <em>Mine</em>
  </span>
  <span class="s1">.” Thomas agreed. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Alex didn’t know what the fuck had come over Thomas. He’d say he didn’t mind, cause he really didn’t mind what Thomas was doing to him but there’d gotta be some reason for this sudden change in behaviour and <em>that</em> had Alex worried. What had happened to his Thomas? Fuck knows and Alex didn’t know how to find out. But for the time being he was happy to stay here and let Thomas do whatever the fuck he wanted. I mean, yeah, they were at work but neither cared at the moment. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">But as Alex’s eyes fluttered shut against teeth on his neck, he couldn’t help but wonder. John had been over earlier. Thomas was now being over protective, even by his standards. Alex knew John had come to deliver Alex’s phone but something just didn’t seem right. John hated Thomas. </span>
  <span class="s2">Hated</span>
  <span class="s1"> him. Thomas wasn’t too keen on John either. And from what Alex overheard and saw, they’d come to a peace treaty. Didn’t seem right. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Shit,” Alex hissed as Thomas nipped at his shoulder. He wished he could let go but Thomas’ rapid change really bothered him under these circumstances.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Thomas, baby, what’s going on?” </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Thomas almost crumbled at that. But refused to let his armour cave in on him just yet, grabbing Alex’s chin and kissing him roughly. He was being far less soft than he’d like but he </span>
  <span class="s2">needed</span>
  <span class="s1"> to take as much as he could get. Fuck he was going crazy with it. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">He needed to know Alex was his, Alex was only his. Alex wouldn’t purposely hurt Thomas like John implied he did. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Because Alex only belonged to Thomas.</span>
  <br/>
  <span class="s1">Because Alex was </span>
  <span class="s2">
    <em>his</em>
  </span>
  <span class="s1">. </span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>hiiiiiiiii <br/>Not much to report today gang except that i don’t really like this chapter, just don’t think it’s very well written but whatever, it’s just like a transition chapter so do with that information as you will &gt;;P<br/>oh also I cut my finger :( BUT my friend had some plasters in his pocket (why? Who knows. He’s wacky that way.) and he gave me one with stars on it and I love it <br/>Here we go, a little cheat way to get yall to interact with me a bit more, who’re your favourite characters from other fandoms? (if i could only have 5 they’d be remus lupin, the 12th doctor.... never mind, i can’t narrow it down to five-) I’ll see if we have any other fandoms in common :D<br/>anYways, ill leave you guys alone now hehe <br/>Till next time gang <br/>Your very own,<br/>~Willow xxx </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>ily all way too much plEASe</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0029"><h2>29. Kiss drunk and dizzy</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>enjoy your descent into hell!! :D</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Knockety knock at the door. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Thomas and Alex tore away from each other, kiss drunk and dizzy. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Woah-“ Alex swayed on the spot, blinking the lights out of his eyes as Washington’s assistant let himself in. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Thomas smirked over his shoulder at Alex and that really wasn’t helping with Alex’s heart being in his throat. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Mr. Washington wants to see you,” Mr Assistant said, politely ignoring the almost sex he just walked in on and Alex nodded blearily. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Right...” </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Alex took a few unsteady steps forward and Thomas put his hand on Alex’s lower back, pushing him gently, and even when Alex got his balance back, Thomas kept his hand where it was, leading Alex. I mean, yeah, Alex was clumsy but not </span>
  <span class="s2">that</span>
  <span class="s1"> clumsy. Mind you, having said that, just the constant contact, the little show of protection made Alex’s tummy flutter. His Thomas was beyond cute. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Washington’s large sigh pulled Alex out of his funk. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Alexander... Thomas... I don’t even have words. I mean I gave you those ten minutes to clean yourselves up, but it appears-“ Alex leaned his head on Thomas’ arm, grinning up at him, gone dopey. “Boys!” Alex jumped and Thomas snickered, quickly silenced by A Washington Glare. “For the love of- Thomas, get back to work, Alex, come here, god-“ </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Alex turned his eyes back to Thomas, instantly melting into an in love puddle again as he clung to his arm, legs going wobbly under him. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Bye,” he whispered with a huge smile. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Goodbye,” Thomas murmured back with a smile to match, tucking Alex’s hair behind his ear, finger brushing over his lips and okay, they really were getting distracted again, forgetting where they were. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Jefferson!” </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Alex jumped again. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“<em>Out</em>.” Washington growled. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Oops. He didn’t sound happy. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Alex, Jesus fucking Christ,” Washington appeared to be rather displeased. “Son this isn’t like you, not at all,” Washington was staring Alex down as Alex slipped into a chair opposite his washindad and Alex began to squirm uncomfortably. “Can you <em>please</em> just get to HR and get your relationship logged so we can iron out any complications with both yourself and Thomas being in such high positions of power.” Washington sighed. “And again, for the love of all that’s sacred, wear a god damn scarf, cause you’re just a mess. My offices are not for you and Thomas to fuck in, Jesus Christ Alexander. I also wasn’t aware it was casual wear today?” Washington said pointedly. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Alex blinked, blushing furiously. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Sir I-“ </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Alexander before you rant at me for a few hours please note I have a meeting in half an hour, I haven’t had my coffee this morning, Lafayette kept me up until 3 last night talking utter rubbish and also I’m completely fed up with your and Thomas’ shit.” </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Alex didn’t know what to do with himself, now trying to hide his very bruised neck. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Sir... Thomas and I don’t have a relationship to log-“ Washington narrowed his eyes at that. “I’m sorry but I don’t even <em>own</em> a scarf, Thomas and I got a little carried away just this once, and uh this is Thomas’ sweater see, he spent the night at mine but I got ready at his this morning and I didn’t have my usual clothes and things and I get cold so he lent me his sweater-“ </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Fuck, Alex, I can sense where this is going and I do not need this mindlessness right now,” Washington groaned. “So you’re telling me you and Thomas haven’t sorted yourselves out yet?” </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1"><em>Yet</em>. Alex blushed deeper. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“I-I wouldn’t put it like that,”</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“So what would you put it like, Alex? Cause if you two aren’t in a relationship from only the three seconds I saw the two of you earlier then the sky isn’t blue. What’s going on Alexander because this isn’t good for you, and I worry.” Washington’s voice got all caring and soft at the end. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“I don’t fucking <em>know</em> what’s happening,” Alex shook his head, raking his hands through his hair. “I love him. He don’t love me.” Washington opened his mouth to argue but Alex shook his head, looking down. “Please don’t. I can’t hear it right now I just... I think he’s starting to like me? And I don’t wanna fuck it up for us. I really, really don’t but...” Alex throat got all closed up as he thought about last night. About John. “But I think I have.” Washington softened a very large amount. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Alexander-“ </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“No, I’m sorry, I’m okay, I...” he swiped at his tears. “I did something stupid and I think it’s gonna ruin me.” His lip was trembling and Washington wished they were somewhere that wasn’t his office, some place where he could pull Alex into a hug and tell the oblivious little idiot that everything would be just fine. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Alex, what’d you do..?” Washington knew Alex was a good kid. He was. He was loud, he was sometimes exhausting and he didn’t know when to shut up, but he was kind at heart, he was a sweetie who had built his own family from scratch, he was hard working and determined and the most accomplished 22 year old kid Washington had ever heard of. And George loved him to bits. Of fucking course he did. He knew that Alex would never intentionally do anything to actually genuinely hurt another person and so wasn’t too worried, he just didn’t know how to put him at ease. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“I-I...” Alex blinked owlishly, unable to get any proper words out. “I can’t tell you. I’m sorry, I can’t say it, I shouldn’t ever have... it shouldn’t...” Alex shook his head, tears rolling down his cheeks. “I miss Thomas.” And he did. Oh, with his whole heart he did. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">This was starting to worry Washington a little. A <em>lot</em>. I mean, he understood the kid was in love and that he was overly emotional as it was and that he was young and hadn’t ever felt this before but it still didn’t seem right to Washington that a kid as smart as Alex was seemingly unable to function without his almost boyfriend. Lafayette had expressed John’s concerns about Alex and Thomas in their 6 hour talk last night and while Washington’s approach was to observe, occasionally step in but mostly let the kids do what they wanted, he was starting to understand Laurens. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Washington had known about Alex’s feelings towards Thomas for a small while, maybe a month. But Alex had only realised his feelings towards Thomas a week ago. In that time Washington knew that they’d gone away, probably slept together, gotten themselves covered in bruises, argued in the office, taken half a day off, made up, gone over to Lafayette and Hercules’ and then spent the night at Alex’s. It seemed so awfully quick. Thomas now drove Alex everywhere, they were joined at the hip Alex had even outright </span>
  <span class="s2">
    <em>told</em>
  </span>
  <span class="s1"> Washington he was in love. Washington had Alex’s very best interests at heart, of course he did, and he decided early on that the best course of action was to let Alex handle his own personal affairs and if Alex needed help them Alex wound ask for help. Looking back, maybe Washington should’ve intervened a little more. Maybe broken up certain arguments, maybe not allowed them that Monday off to spend at Thomas’ country house. Hindsight was a bitch. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">But the thing that was most bothering Washington was not how fast the two had taken things- they were young and they’d got years of pent up frustration and tension, they weren’t exactly gonna be in it for the slow burn courtship-it was Alexander.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">More specifically, Alex’s change in attitude. The kid had always been very passionate, had always felt things to the maximum but these past few days it was as if he was going through every single emotion each hour and feeling each one right down to his bones. It wasn’t normal, such intense, rapid mood swings. And Alexander said he fucking missed Thomas when it’d been less than 5 minutes since he saw him and he’d also said they weren’t in a real official proper relationship and the nature of whatever they were doing <em>scared</em> Washington. He was scared the kid was gonna fuck himself up bad with this. Alex had never, not once in the life Washington knew him, relied on another person in the way it was becoming apparent he relied on Thomas. And if Alex wasn’t so far ahead of schedule his workload would also be slipping. He’d paid barely any attention to it over the last few days and that was most definitely unusual. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Washington inhaled warily. “I’m wondering if your and Thomas’ relationship is healthy. If it’s good for you.” He said after just staring at Alex, trying to get a read on him. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Fear flashed across Alex’s face. “Sir-“</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Alex I know your first instinct will be to protect him but please, be logical here, be rational and objective and </span>
  <span class="s2">
    <em>try</em>
  </span>
  <span class="s1"> and understand. I know you already know this but this has happened quick, way too quick and you’ve </span>
  <span class="s2">
    <em>changed</em>
  </span>
  <span class="s1"> Alexander. I don’t know what Thomas is like behind closed doors but one has to wonder if he has any sort of ulterior motive-“ </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Alex shook his head, squeezing his eyes shut. He couldn’t hear this, he couldn’t, sadness boiling over into anger. “<em>Stop it</em>,” he growled warningly.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Alex, see it’s happening <em>again</em>. Have you not noticed your emotions are going from one extreme to the other every 5 minutes?” Alex kept shaking his head, trying not to listen, trying to put a lid on his growing anger. “As someone who loves you and is <em>worried</em> about you, I have to wonder ifthis has something to do with Thomas-“ </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“I’m not going to sit here and listen to you talk shit, </span>
  <span class="s2">
    <em>sir</em>
  </span>
  <span class="s1">.” Alex stood up threateningly, blood thumping in his ears. He didn’t expect ordinary people to understand but they could at least mind their own fucking business. “You don’t know what’s good for me and don’t pretend like you fucking <em>care</em>, either, okay? You’re my boss, not my fucking father so stop fucking trying to be,” he felt explosive. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Alex...” Washington was hurt. Alex could tell. Alexander didn’t mean anything he was saying but he couldn’t help it, it was like destructive lava spewing out of his mouth when he was angry, out for blood so he wouldn’t feel alone in his brokenness. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“No fuck </span>
  <span class="s2">
    <em>you</em>
  </span>
  <span class="s1">. You have no </span>
  <span class="s2">
    <em>idea</em>
  </span>
  <span class="s1">- just leave me the fuck alone.” Alexander ignored the tears spilling over, turning and storming out of Washington’s office, heart thrumming dangerously hard in his chest. What the fuck was he doing? Fuck, he swears sometimes it’s like he’s sitting in the back seat, watching his fucking feelings take the wheel and driving Alex into hellfire. He didn’t stop until he shut himself in his office, pushing himself into his door and sinking to the floor, clutching at his hair. Jesus fuck, he fucked up. And the worst part, he knew he was fucking up as he fucking did it-</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Fuck. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Alex?” Thomas tapped his knuckles gently on Alex’s door. Alex pulled himself up, flinging the door open and launching his arms around Thomas’ neck. Thomas stumbled forward into Alex’s office, shutting the door behind them. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Darling what’s the matter?” Thomas tried to get Alex to look at him but the kids head was firmly buried in Thomas’ chest. “Hm? What happened, honey?” </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“I-I consistently find ways to fuck up everything I really don’t wanna fuck up,” Alex cried into Thomas’ shoulder. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Oh, sunshine, you aren’t fucking anything up. Come on, tell me what’s up baby, yeah?” Thomas wrapped his arms around Alex’s waist, hitching him up just so Alex’s toes brushed the ground and walked them over to Alex’s beaten up armchair in the corner of the room, sitting down and curling Alex in his lap. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Washington was giving me a lecture about me and you and I just... fucking lost it.” Alexander started shaking all over again, voice going thick. “I said some real mean stuff, Thomas,” </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Thomas tensed. “Okay...” he pushed away his creeping anxiety. “Well, it’s alright, we’ll forget about him for now yeah?” </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Thomas-“ </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Alex, it’s okay. He’ll know you didn’t mean it.” Thomas stroked his hair but Alex stared up at him, lip still trembling, eyes still watery and Thomas </span>
  <span class="s2">had</span>
  <span class="s1"> to do something. “Come on, I’ll take you for a drive and then I’ll take you home so you can get ready for later.” Alex giggled through his tears and it was a painful but beautiful sight to see. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“We can’t keep fucking off, taking days off work, Tommy.” </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Sure we can. I’ve got nothing to do, you’ve got nothing to do and Washington will understand. Sound okay?” </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Oh good god Alex was so in love. So very in love. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">He broke out into a huge smile and Thomas’ expectant little half grin evolved into a fully formed one. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“I...” love you. Come on Alex. Come on, just say it. His stomach was in his feet and his heart was even lower and the kid was practically vibrating with anxiety but he couldn’t bare it anymore, those words with all of those connotations. It shouldn’t be so hard when he was so sure. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">But he didn’t know that <em>Thomas</em> was sure and that’s what scared him. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">But fuck it all, he needed this to stay okay, he couldn’t deal with the uncertainty, the holding back anymore and he was finally gonna let himself free. He was finally gonna just fucking say it. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Thomas, I love you. I love you so much it fucking hurts and I didn’t know how to tell you for the longest time but I’ve reached my breaking point, because every time I look at you I melt into a little puddle and I only wanna be near you forever and I know you don’t feel the same but I needed to tell you, so <em>there</em>.” </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">I mean, that’s how Alex wanted to say it. What actually came out was something along the lines of “hhk,” followed by “Um... never mind,” and a smile full of regret. “I’ll tell you later.” Alex would not tell him later. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Fuck, this was so much harder than anything Alex had ever done. He curled further into Thomas’ neck, breathing in, attempting to just surround himself with everything Thomas in order to forget about the shit show that was his life for a little while.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">But hey, he had the date to look forward to later. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">That’d be nice. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Right? </span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>sup gang.......<br/>so................<br/>I might’ve hurt washindads feelings :(<br/>I’m sORRy!!! Here look, just so you’re not completely in the dark, it’s gonna get a bit better, quite a bit worse, a rather large amount better, a hUGe amount worse, even WORse, so much worse, um better? Oops, nah, just worse again<br/>See! Not that bad. :)<br/>Like the saying goes: gotta get worse before it gets better<br/>I love you so much gang like I can’t even tell u, ik I say that all the time but——<br/>HeY we also have super cool intellectual conversations in the comments and there’s a select few with an exclusive popcorn club where they cry and dump virtual popcorn all over my head so feel free to join us &lt;3<br/>Your dearest, willow xxx<br/>(See what i did there? Hehehehe)</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0030"><h2>30. You love it really</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">I wish I could tell you what happened on Alex and Thomas’ drive. Neither really remembered much, just driving around a little too fast, playing music a little too loud, smiling a little too wide. What can I say, Alex brought out the reckless in Thomas.</span>
</p>
<p class="p1">
  <span class="s1"> It was sorta like a blur of motion and happiness and then all too quick it was four. How the hell was it four? Fuck knew.</span>
</p>
<p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">But the silver lining of all of this was that now Alexander got to go home and get ready. He was so damn excited about getting ready, it was weird. I mean of course he was looking forward to the date more (oh god oh god they had a date!! He and Thomas had a date!! Just the thought made Alex swoon) but he rather enjoyed prettying himself up, especially if it’s for Thomas. </span>
</p>
<p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Here we go,” Thomas pulled up outside Alex’s apartment block. </span>
</p>
<p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“You want me to walk you to your door?” Thomas asked. Alex blushed, giggling. </span>
</p>
<p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“I think I’ll be fine-“</span>
</p>
<p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“I’ll walk you to your door,” Thomas decided and while Alex rolled his eyes, his tummy went all funny at the sweet gesture. </span>
</p>
<p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Stupid,” Alex mumbled. </span>
</p>
<p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“You love it really,” Thomas winked, all cheesy and cute and romantic like. Alex blushed harder and his lungs closed up. Oh how right Thomas was. Alex loved </span>
  <span class="s2">him</span>
  <span class="s1"> really. If only Thomas could pull his head out of his fucking ass and see the obvious, god-</span>
</p>
<p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“F-Fuck off,” Alex barely managed to croak out cause they’d never whipped that word out in regards to one another before and yeah, he was just making a fool of himself now, but Thomas set his heart on fire. </span>
</p>
<p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Thomas reached across and pinched Alex’s cheek with a grin. “Baby.” He teased and got out, leaving Alex spluttering. </span>
</p>
<p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“I’ll show </span>
  <span class="s2">you</span>
  <span class="s1"> baby when I punch you one, right in the nose,” Alex grumbled, not at all upset, the kid just liked complaining. </span>
</p>
<p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“What was that darlin’?” Thomas opened the door with such a </span>
  <span class="s2">charming</span>
  <span class="s1"> smile that it made Alex’s heart swoop to the floor. </span>
</p>
<p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“</span>
  <span class="s2">
    <em>Nothing</em>
  </span>
  <span class="s1">, dearest,” Alex gave a big fake smile as to provoke suspicion but the pretence quickly melted away into something genuine, Thomas offering his hand. </span>
</p>
<p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Alex sighed with a grin as he melted into Thomas’ side, looping his arm around Thomas’. </span>
</p>
<p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“I’m so excited,” Alex whispered. Thomas laughed and- not for the first time- Alex was absolutely dumbfounded by how far they’d come. He was making Thomas laugh as the protective fuck walked him to his door before a </span>
  <span class="s2">date</span>
  <span class="s1">. I don’t think I need to explain further. </span>
</p>
<p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">They reached Alex’s door, with no shortage of loving stares, and uh oh, what’s this? </span>
</p>
<p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">The door’s open. </span>
</p>
<p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Fuck. Fuck, shit, fuck, okay, uh... fuck. </span>
</p>
<p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Alex..?” Thomas was pre-protective (</span>
  <strike><span class="s3">boyfriend</span> <span class="s3">husband</span></strike>
  <span class="s1"> lover?) mode and thus rather jittery at the prospect of someone breaking into Alex’s apartment. “Um, did you by any chance leave your door unlocked and open?” Thomas tried to not let his anxiety get it’s horrible spindly fingers around his neck, tried to just <em>breathe</em>. </span>
</p>
<p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Alex shook his head slowly, staring at his slightly ajar door, petrified, before looking up at Thomas with wide eyes and there you go, protective mode activated. </span>
</p>
<p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“And where’s the spare key?” </span>
</p>
<p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Alex checked. </span>
</p>
<p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Where it always is,” he whispered, so it wasn’t someone they knew. Fuck. </span>
</p>
<p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Stay here.” Thomas told Alex. </span>
</p>
<p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Thomas, it’s my-“ </span>
</p>
<p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“I said stay the fuck here, Alexander.” Thomas’ voice meant there was no room for discussion. </span>
</p>
<p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">To be honest, Alex was semi glad Thomas was making him stay here. He wasn’t happy that Thomas was going on there alone, obviously, but he </span>
  <span class="s2">was</span>
  <span class="s1"> very glad to not have to go in himself. </span>
</p>
<p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Thomas took a steadying breath and walked quietly into Alex’s apartment, drawing himself up to full height, shoulders tense. </span>
</p>
<p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Someone screamed and Alex jumped a mile, cowering back, slipping down to the floor. </span>
</p>
<p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Thomas, mon amour! Ah, how good to see you! And my Alex is with you, yes?” </span>
</p>
<p class="p1">
  <span class="s2">
    <em>What the fuck in the what now?</em>
  </span>
</p>
<p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“</span>
  <span class="s2"><em>Laf</em>?”</span>
  <span class="s1"> Thomas sounded disbelieving and then there Lafayette was, popping his head out of the door to see a terrified Alexander sprawled on the floor, hastily followed by a very shaken, vaguely angry Thomas. </span>
</p>
<p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Shit, sorry Alex, c’mere honey, come on,” Thomas lifted Alex off the floor and onto his feet with no effort (very sexy indeed, Alex decided. Shame Laf was right there.) and pulled him in for a cuddle. </span>
</p>
<p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Lafayette you fucking imbecile, why the fuck didn’t you use the spare key? You scared us to fucking death you utter fucking buffooon,” Thomas hissed, cradling Alex in his arms. “Oh baby,” he murmured, kissing Alex’s head and glaring at Laf. </span>
</p>
<p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“There’s a spare key?” Lafayette grinned guiltily. “I am sorry my Alex, I did not mean to frighten you,” he opened his arms and Thomas reluctantly released Alex, watching him migrate into Lafayette’s (less warm) arms. Thomas shook his head and Alex let out a string of unintelligible grumbling into Lafayette’s shoulder. </span>
</p>
<p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Okay, Alex, I’ll come get you again at six,” Thomas told Alex, beginning his decent down the stairs. Alex whined but Lafayette held him strong and Thomas rolled his eyes affectionately and left. </span>
</p>
<p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Right, mon amour, let’s get you pretty,” Lafayette grinned. </span>
</p>
<p class="p2"> </p>
<p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Over the last hour Lafayette’s smile faded to nothing, and now he sat, curled on Alex’s sofa, flicking absently through the tv channels, looking at Alex anxiously over his shoulder through the open bathroom door. </span>
</p>
<p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Alex didn’t know what was wrong. Laf loved getting people ready, that was like his whole thing and this time had been no different than usual. They gossiped, Alex talked about Thomas and Lafayette criticised Alex’s wardrobe. </span>
</p>
<p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Alex tried to shrug it off, not wanting to spoil his good mood as he hummed in satisfaction at his reflection. He felt... pretty. </span>
</p>
<p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">He and Lafayette had an outfit agreed upon on the bed, Alex had taken a shower and blow dried his hair so it was all soft and smooth and they’d done it in loose curls, Alex had very limited makeup, by that I mean he had a bit of blush, some mascara and some lip gloss, the blush a free sample, the mascara something one of the girls left over about a year ago and the lip gloss was something thrown in a birthday present bag. So yeah, they weren’t exactly well equipped but Alex’d used blush as eyeshadow too, the mascara made Alex’s eyes look super pretty and the ever so slightly sparkly pink lip gloss was adorable. </span>
</p>
<p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“What do you think?” Alex jumped out of the bathroom with a huge grin and jazz hands. </span>
</p>
<p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Ahh!” Lafayette clapped but his smile was forced and he sounded so unenthusiastic it hurt. </span>
</p>
<p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Wha-?” Alex’s face fell. He felt so dejected what the fuck, what was up with Lafayette? “What’s the matter mon amour?” Alex asked, nestling into Lafayette’s side, trying so god damn hard to stay sunny and happy. </span>
</p>
<p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Lafayette smiled a bit at Alex’s perfect pronunciation but his heart just wasn’t in it. </span>
</p>
<p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Nothing is the matter, my Alexander,” Laf murmured, wishing he was better at lying. </span>
</p>
<p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Bullshit,” Alex sat up, away from Lafayette, instantly going into defence mode. “You’ve been treating me like I’m a walking stick of dynamite all day,”</span>
</p>
<p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">A time bomb was actually what Washington had said. Alex was a ticking time bomb and Lafayette was to treat him as such. </span>
</p>
<p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Alex, come now-” </span>
</p>
<p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“What the fuck is up with everyone lately?” Alex demanded. </span>
</p>
<p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Lafayette sighed. “We’re worried for you, Alex.”</span>
</p>
<p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Alex was getting angry. “So you’ve been speaking to Washington then. And Laurens. Fuck this, you </span>
  <span class="s2">know</span>
  <span class="s1"> Thomas, how can you possibly possibly think he’s bad for me?” Why the fuck was everyone turning on him and Thomas all of a sudden? </span>
</p>
<p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Alexander that is not what I’m saying, all I think is that maybe my Thomas and you should take a step back, yes? Talk to each other and be </span>
  <span class="s2">
    <em>healthy</em>
  </span>
  <span class="s1"> about this.” </span>
</p>
<p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Alexander shook his head. Oh come <em>on</em>, Lafayette too? Something had poisoned the grape vine and soon enough the poison would reach Alex too and maybe that little bit of controllable doubt in the corner of his head would fester and spread and consume him. </span>
</p>
<p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Fuck. Wasn’t that something to look forward to. </span>
</p>
<p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Shut the fuck up, Laf. You don’t get it, you </span>
  <span class="s2">
    <em>couldn’t</em>
  </span>
  <span class="s1"> get it. You and Herc got the fairytale, it’s not <em>my</em> fault</span>
  <span class="s1"> mine’s an unconventional mess of a story,” Alex got up, cursing himself for letting the fire choke him up. </span>
  <span class="s2">Again</span>
  <span class="s1">. </span>
</p>
<p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Alex-“ Laf tried wearily. </span>
</p>
<p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“It isn’t fucking fair. You and Washington and <em>especially</em> fucking Laurens are meant to be the ones helping me here and you’re all just trying to ruin it-“ Alex wound his hands into his hair. </span>
</p>
<p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Alexander it’s scary. How you’re acting is scary and we’re scared for you.”</span>
</p>
<p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Just get the fuck out. I can get ready on my own, I don’t need you.” A complete blatant lie, Alex had absolutely no idea where he’d be without his Lafayette but his defence mechanism of fury made him blind to that. </span>
</p>
<p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“We love you, Alex.” Laf said quietly after a few moments of silence aside from Alex’s shaky breaths, stood at the door. </span>
</p>
<p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Fuck </span>
  <span class="s2">
    <em>you</em>
  </span>
  <span class="s1">,” Alex turned around, back to Lafayette. </span>
</p>
<p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Lafayette felt a little prickle of anger beneath his skin. </span>
</p>
<p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“I know you’re having a hard time Alexander but that does not mean you have to make it hard for everyone around you too,” he said sharply before leaving and shutting the door behind him. </span>
</p>
<p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Fuck,” Alex threw himself down on his bed, wiping his eyes. </span>
</p>
<p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Okay, okay look, half five. He had time. So he hauled himself up, wiped the tear tracks off his face and reapplied his mascara, redid his hair, put on his clothes- a nice white shirt, black pants and a dark green jacket- (Thomas had said formal attire,) and waited patiently on his couch, trying to stop himself crying again. This was fine, everything was going to be fine. </span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Heyy gang I’m so sorry this took so long to get out??? I’ve had a crazy hectic few days but it’s whatever, here we go <br/>It’s the 30th chapter!! I wish I had a chapter better than this one to give you but yknow <br/>I’ve not really g it much to say about this other than I’ve had insane writers block for a bit so I’m not very proud of this chapter but hey ho<br/>Lots and lots of love<br/>Your definitely obedient servant,<br/>Willow xxx<br/>Ps- nothing had ever pained me more than writing “pants” instead of trousers oh my god-</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0031"><h2>31. Finally, Their Date.</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Thomas was the hottest thing since ever. Holy fucking moly, it was unbelievable. He showed up at bang on six in a dark magenta suit and it looked absolutely expensive as shit. It fit </span>
  <span class="s2"><em>perfectly</em>, </span>
  <span class="s1">he had the gold cuff links and tie clip and everything, his shoes were sleek and he smelled so god damn good it was unreal. His hair poofed out around him like a halo but it was almost sharp and he just looked so unbelievably good that it physicallyhurt. Alex’s self esteem would’ve taken a colossal hit if not for the look on Thomas’ face that made Alex squirm. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“You really wanna go out? Or can we just go back inside right now and-“ </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Thomas!” Alex shushed him, giggling as Alex’s elderly neighbour unlocked her apartment. Alex hid his face in Thomas’ shoulder as Mrs Neighbour Lady gave Thomas a wink. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“I wanna fuck you until you cry for me baby, see that pretty mascara run all down your pretty pretty face,” Thomas murmured into Alex’s hair after smiling innocently at the old lady, and Alex’s head almost exploded. Holy fuck. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“J-Jesus, Thomas, you fucking menace,” Alex managed. Thomas laughed, light and easy, slipping his arm around Alex’s waist and leading him down the stairs. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Seriously, sweetheart.” He nuzzled into Alex’s hair. “You are <em>so</em> beautiful.” Ex-fucking-scuse me? How was Thomas even allowed to be so sexy and then so sweet in a matter of seconds? Oh and the way that he said that Alex was beautiful made Alex heart beat right up into his mouth. Not that he </span>
  <span class="s2"><em>looked</em> </span>
  <span class="s1">beautiful, but that he </span>
  <span class="s2">
    <em>was</em>
  </span>
  <span class="s1">. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Maybe Alex was definitely reading much too much into this, but Thomas made him so soft and stupid and the way he seemingly deliberately said things-</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Alex couldn’t do anything but smile, looking down at his feet as they got outside, standing beside Thomas’ car. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Here we go,” Thomas opened the door for him with a genuinely heart stopping smile and Alex got in shakily. He was so in love with Thomas. So so in love with him. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">But I mean he was still a little (</span>
  <span class="s3">a lot</span>
  <span class="s1">) intimidated by Thomas. Why wouldn’t he be? Come on now. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Thomas dropped in next to Alex and Alex almost melted back into his seat. Thomas was unreal. He put Alex at ease so well and quick, it was crazy. Alex sighed and smiled all dopey over at Thomas, watching his lover mess with the buttons until Alex’s chair started heating up. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“You look cold,” Thomas said, eyes trained out of the window, a horribly hidden little grin on his lips. Alex stared in utter adoration, heart right there on his sleeve, head cocked to the side. Thomas side eyed him and broke out into a huge grin, yet his eyes immediately went back to the outside world. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“You better stay with me Alex or I swear to god,” Thomas sounded so soft and genuine it set Alex alight. “I’m done for.” </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Alex swallowed, still staring in wonder as the car came to life and Thomas looked over. Alex didn’t know what to say, couldn’t form any words even if he did. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">He nodded. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“I will.” He whispered. “I promise.” </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">And he fully intended to keep that promise. What they had still didn’t have a name, but now at least now Alex had the clarity that there </span>
  <span class="s2">was</span>
  <span class="s1"> something there. And Thomas felt that something too. It was heartbreaking in the most beautiful and amazing way, and Alex found himself rather enjoying the ache the love weighing heavy on him was bringing. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">I love you I love you I love you. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Thomas wondered just how many times he could say that in his head before he finally said it out loud. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">He didn’t fucking know but for once, that didn’t upset him. Didn’t scare him. Because he was here, with Alex, driving them on their way to their first ever date. Thomas had had 3 panic attacks prior to arriving at Alex’s and if it wasn’t for James then Thomas would still be curled on his kitchen floor, freaking out about what would happen if they somehow got into a car crash or something and he had to watch Alex die in his arms- because his anxiety was constantly desperate to ruin everything for Thomas- but here, sat all warm and cosy and </span>
  <span class="s2">
    <em>real</em>
  </span>
  <span class="s1"> with Alexander, nothing big, bad or scary from Thomas’ cruel mind could get them. And it felt amazing, that freedom, the tension bleeding away after so many years. Fuck, and it was all down to Alex. His beautiful little miracle worker. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s2">Oh</span>
  <span class="s1">, and speaking of, Alexander really was </span>
  <span class="s2">
    <em>fucking stunning</em>
  </span>
  <span class="s1"><em>,</em> wasn’t he? I mean god fucking christ, it was unreal, in his pretty makeup and his nice clothes and lovely hair. Thomas didn’t really think he had a type until Alex opened his door a few minutes ago and he realised that Alexander was <em>exactly</em> his</span>
  <span class="s1"> type. No one that wasn’t Alexander would ever be right. And that suited Thomas just fine, he never intended to have anyone else. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">It was an extremely rare thing, for Thomas to open up. To share how he really was with another person. God and to think, he’s ready to throw everything to the wind just to keep </span>
  <span class="s2"><em>Alexander Hamilton</em> safe</span>
  <span class="s1"> and happy and warm, of all people. What a strange world. But hey, Thomas wouldn’t have it any other way as he looked over and Alex was smiling his little heart out and everything just felt like it </span>
  <span class="s2">
    <em>fit</em>
  </span>
  <span class="s1">. <br/></span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Felt like something stupid and impossible, like meant to be. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Thomas jumped as Alex grabbed onto his hand, their special car ride tradition. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Jesus baby, your hand’s freezing,” he pressed a kiss to Alex’s knuckles and the kid blushed, bless him. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Oh um... right yeah, sorry,” Alex laughed. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Sorry?” </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Yeah, I uh, I do it on purpose,”</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“What?” Thomas asked incredulously, a smile plying on his lips. He loved his little weirdo so much. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“When I was a kid my mother always used to say ‘cold hands, warm heart,’ and I want it to come off like I’ve got a warm heart, so I wash my hands with freezing water as a little ritual before I do something important,” Alex mumbled. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“You-?” Thomas’ heart was melting into a puddle. “That is the cutest thing I have ever heard of in my entire life,” he said genuinely. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Shut up,” Alex grumbled with a smile. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Alexander you are so adorable it hurts, Jesus, you little oddball.” </span>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Alex, relax,” Thomas said, all soft and comforting. Alexander looked up at him with big eyes, sort of frightened, sort of excited. “You’re fine. Okay?” Alex nodded blearily, eyes glued to the restaurant in front of them and Thomas sighed. “Baby, look at me,” Alex looked at him. “I promise you, you’re fine,” Thomas smiled reassuringly, knowing how intimidated Alex got when he though he wasn’t good enough, when he didn’t fit in. A small smile played on Alex’s lips and he nodded again before turning his eyes back to the huge, ridiculously fancy restaurant in front of them. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Thomas rested his hand on Alex’s back, leading him forward, one slightly shaky step at a time. Thomas looked at Alex as they walked up the steps, watched him shrink into himself slightly, watched his huge eyes flit around nervously and Thomas couldn’t have this, oh no. He wanted this to be special for his Alex, wanted to treat him like Thomas knew he’d never been treated before. And he wanted Alex to </span>
  <span class="s2">
    <em>enjoy</em>
  </span>
  <span class="s1"><em> it</em>. They took a little detour. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Alex tripped over his own feet as Thomas swerved them sharply to the left, pushing them behind a pillar. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“What the fuck-“ </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Alex’s back hit the wall with a little “oof.” </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Alexander I want you to listen to me okay?” </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“O-okay,” Alex almost scowled at his own stupid voice. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“You don’t have to be nervous. Or scared, or jittery or anything. This is all fine and we’re gonna have a good time, yeah?” A smile made its way to Alex’s face and there was a warmth blooming in his chest that told him that maybe he was enough. “Just me and you.”</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Me and you,” Alexander echoed. Thomas grinned before kissing Alex quickly. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“In we go.” Thomas said with a devilish sort of glint in his eyes and for some fucked off reason that put Alex right at ease, leaning into his lover as he let himself be led into the overwhelmingly spectacular building. </span>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Looking up at him, Thomas was all corners. Sharp jaw, sharp cheekbones, chiseled muscles and coiled hair that seemed almost angular. Hell, even the dudes stubble was perfectly carved along his face. This was exactly the place you’d expect him to fit in, where everything else was so clean cut and proper. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Alex on the other hand was all curves. A kinda feminine jaw, no cheekbones to be seen under the slightly chubby cheeks, definitely soft around the middle, pretty doe eyes and soft wavy hair. A curly wirly way with words, a roundabout personality and a twisted lover to cling to. And I mean yeah it upset Alex to an extent because he wasn’t very </span>
  <span class="s2">
    <em>manly</em>
  </span>
  <span class="s1"> and that sort of fed into his messy kinda inferiority complex and made him all insecure and he usually hated it, but Thomas treated him like the damn prettiest thing in the whole wide world and Alex’d be lying if he said that didn’t affect him. That maybe his wiggly lines contrasted Thomas’ straight ones nicely enough that they made sense. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Boy and did it feel like they made sense now. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Table for two under Jefferson?” Thomas said, his voice a little different, more professional in a way, definitely extremely sexy. Shit and Alex’s mind frazzled into overdrive at being at the Jefferson table. </span>
  <span class="s2">
    <em>Table for two under Jefferson</em>
  </span>
  <span class="s1">, Alex repeated in his head. How wonderful. Thomas winked at him as they were shown to their table and Alex grinned, taking in his surroundings. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s2">
    <em>God</em>
  </span>
  <span class="s1"> it was beautiful in here. Alex hated to say it (he had an attachment to the place) but it rivalled Monticello. It was so ornate and regal, everything about the whole atmosphere made Alex giddy with the excitement of it. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">They sat down opposite each other in stupidly comfy chairs, the soft light making them look softer as they smiled adoringly across the table at each other. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Thomas, this is amazing.” Alex beamed and Thomas had to look down at the tablecloth to prevent himself just spewing the thousands of love letters on his tongue. He looked back up in time to chat he Alex’s awed grin. “</span>
  <span class="s2"><em>Thank you</em>.</span>
  <span class="s1">” </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“You deserve it, sweetheart,” Thomas smiled and Alex smiled right on back. This was perfect. Forget everything else, forget everything that had gone wrong and everything that would, this was perfect and nothing could spoil that. Never. </span>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Alex eased up considerably in the next ten minutes or so, Thomas ordering their food for them so that Alex couldn’t get a glance at the frankly outrageously priced food and get all stressed about it. This was an anxiety free zone, thanks a bunch. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“So,” Thomas watched ever so lovingly as Alex stared around himself in wonder. “Are you enjoying yourself?”</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Oh Thomas,” Alex sounded breathless, the sweet kid. Thomas felt a tug on his heart. “This is the best thing in ever.” </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Thomas smiled softly at that, unable to focus on their marvellous surroundings when something as incomparable as Alexander was sitting before him. </span>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“You know stuff about me, of course you do,” Alex scoffed. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“I do not! You’re so secretive, it’s unreal. You’re like a mysterious character with a mysterious past,” Thomas said in a funny voice. Alex laughed. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Yeah well it’s mysterious for a reason.” </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“That reason being?”</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Alex shrugged. “Don’t wanna scare you off,” </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“As if you could.” </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Alex grinned. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Fine. What do you wanna know?” </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Everything.” </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Alex huffed but he felt a little prickle of nervousness at the back of his neck. “Well, I’m a secret spy from Russia and I’ve been in deep cover for so long that-“<br/></span>
  <span class="s1">Thomas rolled his eyes, shaking his head and Alex realised he wasn’t getting around this. But, did he really want to? He wanted Thomas to know him and his past, as much as he liked to dis acknowledge it, was a part of him. “Okay,” he began. “I guess I had a pretty... Rocky start in life,” Alex said carefully, eyes flicking up to Thomas’. “I’m from a forgotten spot in the Caribbean and I was an orphan before I was a teenager,” he tried to say it nonchalantly but he didn’t know how well he pulled it off. “When I was 17, there was this big storm that broke everything to bits and that’s basically what made me immigrate over here. I’ve been stupidly poor my whole life, especially when I came over here on my own and had to get a scholarship and stuff, that’s why places like this just make me feel so outta place,” Alex smiled and it was a little sad, but genuine. “I also have a brother but we got split up when we lived back at Charlestown but uh, I don’t really... I don’t really like to remember anything from before I was 19 so, yeah. Then, when I </span>
  <span class="s2">was</span>
  <span class="s1"> 19, I met John and subsequently I met the rest, I graduated college when I was 21, got an internship with Washington, met you and thought ‘shit, he’s hot,’ and you know how it plays out from there.” Alex took a sip of his champagne. “All up to speed,” he smiled.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Alex...” Thomas just blinked. “I didn’t know...” he kept trailing off the end of his sentences. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“I know you didn’t Tommy. Scared off yet?”</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Thomas laughs at that which brings a smile to Alex’s face. “Never.” He says, and it’s so genuine and soft and he’s looking into Alex’s eyes like Alexander was everything anyone could hope to be and then everything </span>
  <span class="s2">
    <em>clicks</em>
  </span>
  <span class="s1">. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Just that tiny nudge that all of the information scattered around Alex’s head needed to sort itself out and fall into the perfect picture atop a jigsaw. And as Alex sat, head cocked to the side, across from his Thomas who had that gentle, wonderful upward curve to his lips, Alex couldn’t stop himself thinking. Couldn’t stop himself finally seeing what’d been there this whole time. Couldn’t stop all of these thoughts and feelings shifting themselves into something whole and new and exciting and terrifying and mesmerising, all in an instant. </span>
</p><p class="p1"><span class="s1">They loved each other.<br/></span>Holy fucking shit, they loved each other. </p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1"><br/>And Alex was the one who finally realised. </span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>hEY!.!.!,!.!. ARE U GUYS AS EXCITED AS ME????<br/>Oml my sons my sONs—/ they may be finally getting their shit together.,,.,,. <br/>aLso.,/ no promises but I’m going to tryyyyyy my hardest to get a chapter up for our three month anniversary hehe <br/>I love you all so so so muchhhh I’m- <br/>&lt;3333</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0032"><h2>32. Music</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">They </span>
  <span class="s2">
    <em>loved</em>
  </span>
  <span class="s1"> each other, Alex thought gleefully. Fucking holy shit, he couldn’t smile wide enough. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Okay okay okay, how to tell Thomas that he knew? How to tell Thomas that he loved him back? </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">It’d have to be sweet of course, soft and lovely between kisses. He’d kiss Thomas in the doorway to his apartment block with the light from the city surrounding them, putting them in that weird little nothing area, the middle ground between the dark of the sky and the light of New York. “Hey Thomas,” he’d kiss his Thomas. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Hm?” Thomas’d respond. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“I love you.” Alex would whisper, grinning against Thomas’ lips, he’d watch his lover’s eyes open wide, watch a smile slowly spread across his face. Alex would pull back a little, he’d beam up at Thomas and Thomas would smile a huge smile down at him, pull Alex close and “I love you too,” he’d say and Alex sighed a wobbly sigh in real time, resting his chin in his hand as he smiled at Thomas across the table. He had it all planned out. How perfect it’d be. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“You okay?” Thomas asked. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Better than okay. Way better than okay,” Alex grinned.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Good.” Thomas smiled. </span>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">As much as Alex absolutely adored his date- and fuck, he really did adore it far more than anything he ever had- the restaurant’s portions were not exactly large. The food was good as shit, but there wasn’t all too much of it. Thomas and Alex sniggered to each other at the arrival of each course that all together could probably equate to half a plateful. So when Alex’s tummy rumbled a little as they got back in the car, Thomas did nothing but laugh. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Did you have fun, darling?” Thomas asked and Alex grinned, nodding. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Yeah, I really did, Thomas. God, I can’t say thank you enough.” Alex smiled, ear to ear. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“You can always make it up to me,” Thomas smirked and Alex batted at his arm playfully, ignoring the butterflies. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Stupid,” he mumbled, and this time, Thomas grabbed ahold of Alex’s hand and holy fucking god, Alex almost said fuck it to his lovely romantic confession and told Thomas just how in love he was right here and now. Alex was amazed the words weren’t projected out of his eyes yet, that Thomas couldn’t taste them on his lips every time they kissed. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">But hey ho, it gave Alex a sweet flowery confession, and he wasn’t complaining. He could feel the anticipation and excitement prickling like electricity beneath his skin and he wanted this so badly. Wanted Thomas. And fuck it, he and Thomas were okay to say whatever they wanted to each other now Alex knew that he wasn’t scaring Thomas off any time soon. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“I don’t ever ever wanna go anywhere where you aren’t. Never never. I only ever want you. Only you. Ever.” Alex smiled, curled in towards Thomas, pulling Thomas’ hand over and placing it over Alex’s heart, kissing his knuckles. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“I hope you mean that, honey.” Thomas sounded so </span>
  <span class="s2">
    <em>hopeful</em>
  </span>
  <span class="s1">. It tugged at Alex’s heart. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“I do. With everything I have, I do.” Alex said with as much conviction as he could. Thomas looked over and smiled, so gentle and soft and sugar-sweet. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“I couldn’t have anyone else if I wanted to.” Thomas said after a few quiet moments. “You’ve taken over everything, Alex, you’ve taken residence in my head, in my muscle memory, in my words and I can’t... I feel like I can’t even breathe without you.” He smiled and it was more to himself than Alex. “But I don’t mind.” He directed that smile over at Alex and Alex’s heart caught. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">He was wrecked. But now, that was okay. Now that he knew Thomas was wrecked too. </span>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Here we go,” Thomas grinned at Alex’s face as they pulled up in an empty parking lot of a 5 guys. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Are you for real?” Alex laughed. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Can’t have my date going hungry now, can I?” Thomas referred to Alex as his date, holy fucking- “I’ve given you the atmosphere in the last place, I’m now giving you some actual food. You cool with that?” Alex blinked, ridiculously in love with this man and ready to say as much. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Uh, yeah, yeah absolutely,” he grinned. Thomas got out with a smile and Alex, knowing how Thomas liked being all chivalrous, waited for Thomas to come round and open the door for him, taking Thomas’ hand when it was offered to him. Alex leaned into his Thomas as they walked into the near empty establishment, due to it being quarter to ten on a Wednesday night and holy fucking shit, they’d already been out of almost 4 fucking hours? Time flies. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Alex grabbed a seat while Thomas ordered and Alex stared lovingly at Thomas, taking him in. Alex loved it when Thomas didn’t know he was watching. When he didn’t try and keep ahold of himself as much, when he let his eyebrows furrow, when he let his head tilt to the side, just that little bit, when he absently chewed on his lip. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Alex was struck dumb. Absolutely fucking gone for Thomas. Love sick. Any other word you can think of. Oh my god, it was so unlike anything he’d ever felt, so intense and all consuming and Alex felt raw in his passion for Thomas. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">And then after a few minutes, Thomas turned back around, tie loosened, top button undone with their food on a tray, looking much less measured than earlier and he threw a huge, casual, goofy grin over at Alex as he walked over and it’s hard to describe, the feeling it gave Alex. It was like seeing someone he’s known for years for the very first time, like his heart stopped in his chest because he knew that </span>
  <span class="s2"><em>he</em> </span>
  <span class="s1">had Thomas, </span>
  <span class="s2">
    <em>this</em>
  </span>
  <span class="s1"> Thomas. He seemed so carefree and sweet that it threatened to burn Alex up from the inside out. And as Thomas sat across from him, Alex saw the humour in the situation, that they were sat here in suits in a barren five guys after having their first date in a stupid fancy place where the portions were too small. It was unreal. Like a cheesy moment in a romcom, something not at all suited to real life. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">But neither were Alex and Thomas. </span>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“I just feel like I can tell you anything at all. Anything. And it’ll just be fine. You feel like that too?” Alex asked. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Yeah,” Thomas said truthfully, watching Alex draw a little heart with the tip of a fry and some ketchup.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Okay so, you’re not allowed to laugh at me, but in my head it’s like we’re best friends. Y’know what I mean?” </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Thomas didn’t laugh. Why would he? I mean yeah, it was all very well and good joking about being married or whatever but this meant something more, something closer. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Yeah Alex, I know what you mean.” Thomas’ happiness went past smiling at this point. He just stared with so fucking much love in his eyes and he thought that maybe for once, Alex got it. Understood how important they were. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Alex looked up at Thomas, meeting his eyes for a moment before looking down again, smiling to himself and Thomas felt his entire world narrow to this, only this in a shitty five guys with it’s too bright lights and Alex over there in a suit looking all pretty. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Am I your best friend too, Thomas?” Alex asked, so open and sincere and hesitant, always second guessing himself. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Course you are, Alex. You’re my everything. My favourite person, my best friend, my worst nightmare, my sweetheart.” Thomas grinned and Alex kicked feebly at his feet under the table, smiling as Thomas nudged back, turning this into a game of footsie. Fucking romantic idiots. </span>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“After you,” Thomas held the door open for Alex, bowing. Alex grinned. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“My idiot,” he sighed. Thomas scoffed. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Oh </span>
  <span class="s2">
    <em>I’m</em>
  </span>
  <span class="s1"> the idiot?” He shook his head disbelievingly, throwing his arm over Alex’s shoulders, pulling the smaller close to his chest. Alex felt all safe and warm and protected and lovely. Thomas got the door for Alex, and Alex immediately missed Thomas beside him in the five seconds Thomas wasn’t in the car with him. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Thomas smiled when he dropped next to Alex and Alex melted down into his seat with a kitten yawn. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Come on, stupid.” Thomas <em>looked</em> like the orange glow of fire in a cosy cabin. He </span>
  <span class="s2">looked</span>
  <span class="s1"> warm, safe. Fuck Alex loved him so much. He didn’t know what else he could possibly say. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“You’re the damn cutest, Tommy. Honest to god,” Alex sighed happily as he linked his fingers with Thomas’.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Oh says you. Look at you, my little sleepy baby. God, you’re perfect.” Thomas took a moment to just stop and stare at Alex who just ducked his head like a shy little school boy. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Am not.” He grumbled. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Oh yes you are. If you dare argue with me then I’m kicking you out.” Thomas said bluntly. Alex grinned with a blush and looked away as Thomas started the car up. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Music?” Alex asked, wanting to take the attention away from himself for once. Thomas chuckled. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Music,” he tossed his phone over at Alex and Alex got onto Spotify, shuffling the first playlist he came across. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">The Coldplay song from when they danced all those millions of years ago at Jamie’s bar came on and Alex’s heart stopped, looking over at Thomas’ blush. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Is this-?”</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Thomas nodded stiffly. Alex looked down and the playlist was “Alex.” Fuck. Holy fucking fuck, that was so unrealistically adorable, too many words clawing away under his veins. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Thomas...” </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“I know, I’m a cheesy romantic mess-“</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“You’re the most amazing fucking person on the entire planet,” Alex corrected with all the sincerity he had. Thomas shook his head, a smile playing on his lips. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Shut it,” he muttered half heartedly. </span>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“I wish I could hear you thinking,” Alex mused, watching Thomas as he drove, the music turned way down. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“I’m just wondering how you’d feel spending a few days at my place,” Thomas admitted, trying to sound all suave and cool about it but in reality his throat was closing up and his heart had stopped beating. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Well, that was until he caught sight of Alex’s sunshine smile. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Really?”</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Well, I mean yeah. I really liked this morning, y’know waking up with you, just being with you.” It was Thomas’ turn to blush now. Alex’s fire heart was out of control. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“I’d fucking love to,” Alex grinned. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Honest?” Thomas sounded nervous.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Alex nodded earnestly. “My baby, course I wanna,” Thomas’ chest went all fluttery at that, like butterflies caged in his lungs. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“I wanna be able to tell you what I’m feeling, what all this... how much </span>
  <span class="s2">you</span>
  <span class="s1"> mean to me.” Thomas said quietly. “But I’m scared.” He whispered and Alex’s heart went out to him. “I wanna tell you that I...” Thomas shook his head. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“I know, Thomas.” And Alex fucking </span>
  <span class="s2">
    <em>did</em>
  </span>
  <span class="s1">. He knew exactly what his lover was trying to tell him, they were exactly in tune for </span>
  <span class="s2">
    <em>once</em>
  </span>
  <span class="s1">. “I know.” </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Thomas looked at him, all big scared eyes, balanced out by something adoring and a smile and it was usually the other way around, but Alex knew they’d be okay. Thomas didn’t need to be frightened, not when Alex had spent the last few hours planning how he was going to admit he loved him. They stayed quiet for a little while before something in Thomas’ door compartment started vibrating. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Wha-?”</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Oh!” Thomas pulled Alex’s terribly shitty phone out when they stopped at a red light, glancing at the screen. “Eliza’s phoning.”</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“How’d you have my-?” </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Laurens dropped it off this morning, I forgot to give it back.” Thomas reassured quickly.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Alex paled, letting the phone ring out. Fuck. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Fuck, </span>
  <span class="s2">
    <em>John</em>
  </span>
  <span class="s1">. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Fuck. </span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>happy 2 month anniversary???? heHehHEHEH go off guys i-<br/>ily all sm and that’s all for today’s notes folks 😌<br/>~willow xxx</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0033"><h2>33. Forever</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Hey, remember the angst train I mentioned..?? Yeah, it’s coming at us at speeds of 666mph and it ain’t a smooth ride. </p><p>Enjoy!! :))))</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p class="p1"><span class="s1">They </span> <span class="s2"> <em>loved</em> </span> <span class="s1"> each other, Thomas thought gleefully. Fucking holy shit, he couldn’t smile wide enough. </span></p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">He’d realised when Alex told him about his old life, before he came to America. He’d solidified that realisation when they played a game of footsie under the table at a 5 guys. Thomas’ existence was looking up. Things were good, things were fucking great and the man he’d been in love with for fuck knows how long loved him back. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“I love driving at night.” Thomas grinned easy, leaning back, kissing Alex’s hand. Alex smiled weakly back, leg bouncing anxiously. He was the worst person ever. The very worst person. Jesus, Thomas had done all this for him and he was all smiley and lovely and they were set to spend a few more days together, just them in Thomas’ apartment. And Alex had ruined it before it had properly started, all because he was a stupid, jealous, self destructive insecure bitch. Fuck Alex’s life. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Me too.” </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Especially with you,” Thomas looked over with shining eyes. Alex’s stomach did that awful swoopy thing and the warning bells were starting to go off in his head. This was gonna end in tears. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">They stayed that way for a while, in what would’ve been a comfortable silence if not for the anxiety and guilt corroding Alex away. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">They could never be in love, Alex realised with a sickening sinking feeling as he looked over at Thomas, practically glowing. Alex was much too messy, he could never be so selfish as to drag Thomas into his chaos, could never be so selfish as to kill Thomas’ newfound light with his own newfound darkness. It’d be beyond cruel. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Near the top of his list of things to panic about was the way he couldn’t shake the feeling that this just wasn’t like him. That there was something going wrong. Alex had many flaws but he was always truthful and he was always loyal, two big things that Thomas loved him for, two things he could no longer call himself. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Alex? You okay darling?” Alex was not okay. Alex felt bitchy. He knew he was in the wrong and he hated himself for it and he just felt agitated and ready to lash out. He really really didn’t wanna take it out on Thomas, Thomas was wonderful and damn near the only good thing in his life right now. And he’d ruined that too. Nice one Alex. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“I’m okay Tommy. Where are we?” Alex only now registered they’d come to a stop.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“We need gas,” Thomas said and Alex needed air, so he too got out of the car, leaning against the door and tilting his head to the sky as Thomas messed with the pump. They were a little out of the way of everything, just the dark sky, the city lights just away enough that Alex could see the stars and hear the wind. It looked like the cover of an album, the empty gas station on a little dirt road with the city beside them. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“We’re a bit of a way out,” Alex muttered. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“I don’t want our date to be over yet,” Thomas grinned, all happy and it for some reason made Alex jumpy and more irritable. Alex forced a smile. Thomas didn’t seem to notice, filling the tank while Alex stared upwards, trying to clear his head. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“I’ll be just a second,” Thomas said, rushing over to wrap Alex in his jacket with a kiss on the head before going to pay for his gas. Alex nodded, pulling Thomas’ jacket around him and breathing in, eyes not leaving the black expanse of sky above them. He couldn’t take much more of this. He couldn’t take anymore lying and guilt but he couldn’t take another argument, couldn’t take another heartbreak. He was stuck, trapped. And gods, he hated it. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Hey sweetheart,” Alex jumped when Thomas slid his arm around his waist pulling him out of his thoughts. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Oh- hey Tommy,” Alex nuzzled into Thomas’ shoulder, unable to look on his eyes but needing the closeness. Thomas hummed and linked their fingers, leaning his head down, tilting Alex’s chin up with his free hand and smiling against his lips. </span>
</p><p class="p1"><span class="s1">“You’re everything, Alex.” he murmured before connecting their lips. Alex felt the telltale tightening of his chest and he hated himself so much for what he’d done to Thomas. And fuck, he </span> <span class="s2">knew</span> <span class="s1"> how fragile Thomas was, how he was always one step away from breaking point and more and more Alex had been nudging him closer. And this, well. This was the last step. And Alex had to be the one to make him take that step, he had to put an end to this, this that he never ever wanted to see end. It was extremely hard to imagine anyone deserved this pain but Alex knew that he did. He dug his own grave, time to jump on in and be buried alive. Fuck. </span></p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">He forced everything he had into this kiss, everything he wished he could say, everything he should’ve said, everything they now couldn’t be. Everything he’d miss when Thomas and him went back to strangers. Back to arguing over nothing, back to sneering when they passed each other in the halls, back to hating each other. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Alex... I think I need to tell you just how fucking much I care about you. How much I wanna just,” A smile spread across Thomas’ face and Alex’s heart plummeted a million miles a minute. “I don’t know, wrap you up all cosy in my nicest jumper and take you away, back to Monticello. You remember that, baby?” Thomas asked, all sweet, swaying just the littlest bit as he spoke right in Alex’s ear through his hair. Alex felt sick. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Course I remember.” Alex’s voice was hoarse. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“We should just run away, I could keep you safe and I could cook all your favourite stuff-“</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Or just Mac n cheese,” Alex cut in, struggling not to fall into their usual routine of being in love. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“-And everything would be just dandy.” Thomas finished, grinning, sounding all southern and gentle and that’s exactly the thing that usually had Alex melting on the ground but now he just wanted to cry. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“It’s a forever and ever kinda deal, you and me.” Thomas smiled so soft, blissfully unaware for now, leaning in real close, nuzzling Alex’s hair as he whispered all quiet and sweet. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“I l-“ I love you. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Thomas don’t, please don’t,” Alex cut in, pushing Thomas away, shaking his head rapidly, tears welling up in his eyes. “Please, please just don’t say it,” he begged, absolutely hating himself for everything he was about to do. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Say it- why not?” Thomas asked, looking like he’d just been punched. </span>
</p><p class="p1"><span class="s1">“John kissed me yesterday,” Alex blurted, shutting his eyes, absolutely completely unable to look at Thomas. “He kissed me and I kissed back,” </span> <span class="s2"> <em>and it was stupid and I hate myself for letting it happen and I’m so fucking sorry but I couldn’t just not tell you</em> </span> <span class="s1"><em>.</em> That’s the bit he struggled to say, the bit where he defended himself because he didn’t fucking deserve to be defended. Alex’s voice was shaking, Alex’s hands were shaking and when he opened his eyes Thomas was staring at him, the very definition of betrayed. </span></p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“What?” Thomas was quiet, disbelieving Alex could ever ever do this to him. “But... but you said you were mine,” he sounded so small, shaky and unsure and what the fuck, where was the fire, where was the intensity and the fury Alex deserved? Despite everything, Alex got angry. Thomas could tell by the look on his face and he darkened, taking a step forward, Alex watching, beyond heartbroken as defences that had been down for a long time came right back up. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“You are mine,” he growled, head tilted to the side a little, a motion that an hour ago had Alex melting adoringly but now set his nerves on fire. </span>
</p><p class="p1"><span class="s1">“Like fuck I am,” Alex fumed, voice all venomous as he too stepped closer, crowding in and, because he was stupid and had no control over himself whatsoever, resorted to flat out blatant lying as his last line of defence. Thomas tensed up, fists clenching. “Whatam I to you Thomas? Huh? Because every little bit of me is owned by you and yet </span> <span class="s2"> <em>you</em> </span> <span class="s1"> refuse to tell me that you either do or don’t fucking want me.”</span></p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Alexander-“ Thomas warned. </span>
</p><p class="p1"><span class="s1">“No, don’t fucking Alexander me, Thomas, we aren’t together. I can do whatever the fuck I want and </span> <em><span class="s2">you</span> <span class="s2">don’t</span></em> <span class="s1"> get to be pissy about it when whatever the fuck I want happens to be someone else if </span> <span class="s2">you</span> <span class="s1">refuse to realise that I cannot keep up this guessing game,” he didn’t know wether he was crying or snarling. </span></p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Why the fuck did you have to do this now? Why not just- fuck, Alexander we were having a nice time, weren’t we? Why fucking ruin it with-“ Thomas turned away from Alex, running his hands through his hair. Alex’s mouth dropped open. </span>
</p><p class="p1"><span class="s1">“Oh so I should’ve just kept </span> <span class="s2"> <em>lying</em> </span> <span class="s1"> to you?” He asked, feeling some of that raging fire in his chest escape through his words. </span></p><p class="p1"><span class="s1">“Yes! </span> <span class="s2"> <em>Yes</em> </span> <span class="s1">, Hamilton you fucking should’ve, just for tonight, just so this wouldn’t be fucking ruined too,” Thomas dropped his head, foot tapping, fists clenching. He turned around and Jefferson was back for the first time in a very long while, cold, detached, in-compassionate, scary Jefferson. “Why?” He asked, all traces of southern loveliness replaced by steely professionalism. </span></p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Alex faltered. “What?” </span>
</p><p class="p1"><span class="s1">“</span> <span class="s2"> <em>Why</em> </span> <span class="s1">?” Thomas repeated, his new facade cracking the littlest bit as he took a step closer to Alex again, eyes dark and sad and confused, head cocked. “Am I not enough for you, Alexander? Or must you wreck </span> <span class="s2">every</span> <span class="s1"> good thing you have to feed into your insatiable need for destruction?” Thomas asked, all bitter and hurt, hands folded behind his back, drawn up to full height, jaw set. </span></p><p class="p1"><span class="s1">“</span> <span class="s2"> <em>My</em> </span> <span class="s1"> insatiable need for destruction? </span> <span class="s2"> <em>You’re</em> </span> <span class="s1"> the one who left me on my own at every fucking stop, Thomas, and do </span> <span class="s2"> <em>not</em> </span> <span class="s1"> pretend otherwise.” Alex hissed. Thomas smiled a terrifyingly controlled smile. </span></p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“So this is my fault, yeah?” He asked, deadly soft. Alex was scared. Alex really was well and truly scared of Thomas’ composure. His mouth opened and shut around words not there and Thomas nodded. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Right. One more question, <em>sweetheart</em>?” Alex’s anger burnt out replaced by a desperate sadness. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Thomas-“ he tried weakly, ignoring the tears. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Why him?” </span>
</p><p class="p1"><span class="s1">The question hung heavy around them. The reason was probably something like </span> <span class="s2"> <em>he was there</em> </span> <span class="s1">, something like </span> <span class="s2"> <em>he started it</em> </span> <span class="s1">. </span></p><p class="p1"><span class="s1">“Because he wasn’t </span> <span class="s2"> <em>you</em> </span> <span class="s1"> and we both knew it,” he whispered instead. “And what we have- what we </span> <span class="s2">had</span> <span class="s1">, was a no strings attached situation, </span> <span class="s2">you</span> <span class="s1"> made that <em>perfectly</em> fucking clear,” </span></p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Fuck you,” Thomas’ eyes blazed. “Fuck you Hamilton for making me think that you care enough to not fuck this up,” Thomas took another step closer and Alex could feel the heat radiating off of him. “And fuck you for making me-“ love you. He cut himself off. It was true, of course it was, and half a moment ago he almost disclosed that, but now he wouldn’t dream of giving Hamilton the satisfaction of knowing just how badly he’s fucked Thomas up. “What’s your end game here, huh? You wanna see just how far you can push me before I tip over the edge? Cause I’ll tell you, it’s not much damn further. You wanna see me cry, Hamilton? You wanna pay me back for all those times I made you blush in a cabinet meeting?” Thomas’ face was flushed and tear stained, composure flown out of the window and for this world destroying instant, he was raw. Unfiltered, uncontrolled, wild and real. God and how Alex hated reality, the reality of what he’d done to Thomas destroying him, blow by vicious blow. </span>
</p><p class="p1"><span class="s1">“</span> <span class="s2">No</span> <span class="s1">, Thomas, <em>no</em> of </span> <span class="s2"> <em>course</em> </span> <span class="s1"> not, you <em>know</em> I wouldn’t-” Alex cried desperately. </span></p><p class="p1"><span class="s1">“I </span> <span class="s2"><em>don’t</em></span> <span class="s1"> fucking know anymore, Hamilton!” Thomas yelled and Alex cowered away slightly, staring wide eyed at Thomas. “Fuck, does any of this matter to you?” His breathing slowed and Alex could see the anger was burning itself out, spilling over his cheeks in the form of venom tears. “Do </span> <span class="s2"> <em>I</em> </span> <span class="s1"> matter to you, Alex, just one little bit?” Thomas sounded small, hopeless and yet desperate. </span></p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Thomas-“ Alex pleaded, reaching out for Thomas who instantly pulled himself away. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Don’t you fucking <em>dare</em>,” he snarled and Alex withdrew his hand, drawing himself up. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">So he was wrong about everything he thought was there. Thomas obviously didn’t love him, didn’t even ask for an explanation, didn’t give Alex a chance to defend himself, not that he would’ve.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">But the main conclusion to draw that, once again, Alex was wrong about his and Thomas’ feelings for each other, a reoccurring theme in this non-relationship. “I thought you... That you... And I was gonna tell you, tell you tonight how I-” how I love you. Because of course I do, and it’s only every gonna be you. Alex’s voice trembled before he shook his head and dragged himself together. “I was wrong.” </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“About what?” </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“About you.” Alex was stone cold and thats when you knew you were in trouble. When Thomas got hot, when he let himself be consumed by real emotion and felt the fire to his nerve endings and when Alex got cold, when he let himself go blank, empty, stopping the extreme highs and the lows of these petty feelings he suffered with. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“You aren’t the only one,” Thomas hissed. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Alex stared at him, fire and ice battling beneath their skin, their hearts feeling a pull like something magnetic towards each other, always and only each other, their heads forcing them away. Thomas held his eyes with a glare of his own before backing away and turning around. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“When the fuck are we going to learn that they’re all right and we’re bad for each other?” Alex asked. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Thomas darkened. “We’re bad for each other?” </span>
</p><p class="p1"><span class="s1">Alex couldn’t bring himself to lie about this and so just stared angrily up at Thomas, fists clenched by his side. Thomas held his eyes for a few seconds before shaking his head, swiping at his cheeks and walking around to the other side of Jareth.Something dumb and irrational within Alex told him to keep Thomas <em>here</em>, keep Thomas </span> <span class="s2"> <em>with him</em> </span> <span class="s1"> whatever it took. </span></p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“What were you going to say earlier?” He asked, chin tilted up in an almost defiance, back still against his door. Thomas stayed silent but turned around, eyes meeting Alex’s. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“You know what I was going to say,” he said and Alex could tell his control was slipping. And Alexander, ever curious, wanted to see what happened when he let go. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“I thought I did.” Alex agreed, slowly walking up to Thomas. “It’s been made apparent I was wrong.” </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“You weren’t.” </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“How do you know?”</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Why the fuck are you doing this to me?” Thomas shouted, and there it was, that white hot aggression, that loss of control. Alex waited for everything to fall silent again. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Were you going to tell me you love me, Thomas?” Alex asked, quiet and deadly. Thomas’ chest was heaving as he glared, eyes desperate and angry and scared. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“No.” He said after a few silent moments. He couldn’t let Alex know, not now. The warning bells in his head spelled out danger, he couldn’t put himself in danger again. Alex nodded. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Yes you were.” He watched with morbid fascination as tears tracked down Thomas’ face unblinkingly. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“You don’t know jack shit about me Hamilton so stop fucking pretending you have me all figured out,” Thomas snarled, rounding on Alex. Alex didn’t move. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Then say it.” He whispered. “Tell me right now that you don’t love me.” He desperately hoped he wouldn’t. Desperately hoped he was right, that Thomas really did love him too. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“No.”</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Why?”</span>
</p><p class="p1"><span class="s1">“Alex </span> <span class="s2">please</span> <span class="s1">-“ his voice cracked hopelessly, he looked as though Hamilton could push him over with his little finger. </span></p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“If it’s true then say it,” Alex said, soft, thawed, cold replaced once more by burning hot, hope and love and fear clouding behind his eyes. He tried for a smile. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Thomas couldn’t stand this, any of it, the vulnerability this was forcing upon him, every single thing Alex had said to him, the knowledge that some time yesterday, yesterday when they were having such a good fucking time, Alex and John had kissed. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“I don’t fucking love you,” Thomas growled and in a lightning flash of electric anger, Alexander drew his hand back and slapped Thomas right across the face, only really realising what he’d done when his hand started to sting and Thomas’ cheek flamed redder. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“You’re a liar.” </span>
</p><p class="p1"><span class="s1">Thomas’ eyes flickered dangerously, black and threatening and Alex backed off, taking a step back as Thomas took one forward, maintaining the distance, some forgotten animal part of him screaming </span> <span class="s2">danger</span> <span class="s1">. </span></p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Move.” </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“What?” Alex’s voice shook. </span>
</p><p class="p1"><span class="s1">“I said fucking <em>move</em>, Hamilton, </span> <span class="s2"> <em>now</em> </span> <span class="s1">,” Thomas grabbed his shoulders, still with Thomas’ jacket around them, and moved him forcefully out of the way of the car. </span></p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Wha- Are you fucking <em>leaving me</em>?” Alex stumbled over his own feet. </span>
</p><p class="p1"><span class="s1">“What was it you said? This was a no strings attached situation?” He said darkly. “I don’t owe you anything, Hamilton, I </span> <span class="s2"> <em>certainly</em> </span> <span class="s1"> don’t owe you a ride home now stay the fuck out of the way,” he warned. Alexander blinked, eyes welling up with tears again. </span></p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Thomas-“ </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Thomas ignored him, throwing himself forcefully down behind the wheel and backing far too quickly out of the gas station, leaving Alex, not for the first time, vulnerable and alone and tear stained.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">”What the fuck happened to forever, asshole?” Alex screamed, messy and pathetic at Thomas’ car, already almost out of sight. </span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>happy spooky season yall!! Hope u liked this long chapter and feel more than free to bully me in the comments, it makes my day :))<br/>Ily all sooooo much &lt;33333<br/>~willow xxx</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0034"><h2>34. Hey there</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Jemmy?”</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Hey, Tom, you okay?” James was instantly worried at Thomas’ tone. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Jemmy p-please, I need you,” Thomas sounded almost as desperate as he felt. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Why? What’s the matter, you okay?”</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“The fucking kid, I left him and I need... need you to go pick him up, </span>
  <span class="s2">
    <em>please</em>
  </span>
  <span class="s1">,” he managed around a sob. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“You- </span>
  <span class="s2">what</span>
  <span class="s1">?” </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“James please, he can’t stay on his own there, it’s not safe, he’s not safe,” Thomas begged. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Then why the fuck leave him?” </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“I don’t fucking know James, </span>
  <em>
    <span class="s2">please</span>
    <span class="s1">,” </span>
  </em>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Where is he?”</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“That little gas station on that empty road just outside New York,” Thomas shook with relief, heart stuck in his throat, choking on his own tears. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Okay, I know it. Tom, are </span>
  <span class="s2">you</span>
  <span class="s1"> alright? What happened?”</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“I was... I was gonna tell him Jemmy, gonna tell him...” Thomas sounded insane. “But he told me not to, fuck he </span>
  <span class="s2">
    <em>begged</em>
  </span>
  <span class="s1"> me not to say it and... fuck and he said- with fucking Laurens and he- he made me tell him I... I-I didn’t love him but I </span>
  <span class="s2">
    <em>do</em>
  </span>
  <span class="s1"> James, I <em>really</em> f-fucking.... fucking love him <em>so much</em>, just please, </span>
  <span class="s2">
    <em>please</em>
  </span>
  <span class="s1"> I need you to make sure he’s safe-” James could tell this was freaking Thomas out and shushed him gently. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Okay, it’s okay Tom, we can talk properly when the kid’s home, yeah? I promise you, I’ll made sure he’s okay. You just get home and I’ll see you soon,” Thomas nodded shakily to himself. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Thank you, Jemmy.”</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“I love you.”</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“I love you too.” Thomas breathed, heart fucking racing. James hung up. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">He shouldn’t have left him. The stupid fucking kid wasn’t safe on his own, this was bad, this was really bad and Thomas was well and truly in panic mode. Thank fuck for James. Thomas really honest to god had no idea where he’d be without him and he loved his Jemmy to bits, but even so, he knew that the best place for Alex to be was always always right here, next to him. He glanced over at Alex’s- and fuck, when had the passenger seat become simply Alex’s?- empty seat and tightened his grip on the wheel, pushing his foot down just that bit harder on accelerate. He wanted to turn around, he couldn’t leave his Alex </span>
  <span class="s1">alone there. Thomas’ primary concern for ages now was always to keep Alex safe and Alex was right, Thomas kept </span>
  <span class="s2">
    <em>leaving</em>
  </span>
  <span class="s1"> the poor kid. Fuck, Thomas was fucking screwed. </span>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1"><em>Fuck Thomas</em>. Thomas was a fucking asshole, a cruel, heartless fucking bastard. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">The uneven gravel of the ground was digging into Alex’s palms and his knees and he was shivering uncontrollably. The woman on the checkout desk inside was staring at him but Alex couldn’t bring himself to care. He felt so fucking helpless, powerless in this situation Thomas had put him in. Love shouldn’t be able to fuck you up this bad, but this </span>
  <span class="s2">
    <em>was</em>
  </span>
  <span class="s1"> love. Alex was sure of it. He knew he himself loved Thomas, I mean of course he did, and he was almost 100% sure Thomas loved him back. But right now, it felt like something used to make Alex half way fucking insane. There was a big angry loud part of him that was yelling at Alex to get up, go back to the city, get drunk off his ass and forget that Thomas Jefferson ever happened to him. There was a smaller yet no less insistent part of him that was telling Alex to stay here. To waithere. Thomas would come back for him, Thomas would never leave</span>
  <span class="s1"> him here on his own in this state. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Except Thomas would. Thomas <em>did</em>. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">And now Alex was alone and cold and scared and he just wanted to stop it all, stop the bite of the little sharp stones in his legs, stop his head screaming at him, stop this god awful pain spreading from his chest, stop this hurt that Thomas caused him, time and time again. </span>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Alex got his sorry ass up, brushed himself off and headed back for home. He couldn’t take much more of this, his fuse was burning up and there wasn’t much string left before the explosion. Thomas, incase you weren’t aware, was Alex’s fire. And that made him dangerous. So the only logical conclusion was to separate the fire from the fuse before- boom. Even Alex wasn’t that self destructive. Or so that’s what he told himself. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">It took Alex 25 minutes to get back into the city and the walk was fucking horrifying. He pretty much ran the whole time because it was nearing midnight and he was alone on a big dirt road he didn’t know and he kept thinking he heard noises and he was shit scared. He pulled Thomas’ jacket (that he actually contemplated just leaving) tight around him as he slowed to a walk, hating himself when he cuddled the collar and the sleeves right up to his face so it smelt like Thomas. God he was pathetic. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">The big city made him feel safer though as the buildings started to get bigger and bigger and bigger. Home sweet home. </span>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“What’s your name?” A dude shouted over the unbearably loud music of the club, a place Alex was definitely too old- in his soul- to be in (although he was only allowed in because he had id on him otherwise they wouldn’t have believed he was over 21 (damn his stupid baby face)). </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“I’m... I’m no one!” Alex yelled. “I’m just trying to forget my... my someone.” The guy nodded knowingly, sliding some funky looking cocktail over. Alex had been drinking virgin pina coladas since he got here, not actually wanting to get drunk. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Oh...” Alex glanced up at the guy. I mean, he seemed well meaning enough. There was a very pretty girl across the bar making eyes at him, but he didn’t feel like long eyelashes, glossy lips and soft loveliness right now. He felt like sharp corners, hard angles and something that felt more like Thomas. So he smiled at the man and took the drink. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">They danced, Alex didn’t take another drink but the guy seemed nice, not at all pushy. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“That jacket isn’t yours, is it?” The man- Alex didn’t even catch his name- said loudly. Alex glanced down at Thomas’ jacket that he was now wearing over the top of his own. Alex shook his head. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“It’s um... it’s my... it’s- uh...” What word to describe what Thomas was to him. Lover seemed a tad to dramatic for right now. “It’s my someone’s.” He settled on. “My Thomas’.”The man nodded, looking down. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“I don’t have a chance, do I?” The guy sounded kinda sad, but he smiled and it seemed real. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“I’m sorry.” </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Don’t be. I’m just wondering why you’re here if you have ‘your Thomas’ somewhere without his jacket.” Alex managed a smile. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“We fell out.” </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“You should probably be with him, not here.” The man twirled Alex around slowly. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“I know.” </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">They danced until the song finished and then the man said he’d walk Alex home if he liked. Alex laughed but took his arm. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“So, no one,” the guy sounded nicer now he wasn’t shouting. “Can I maybe get your real name? I’m Leo,” he held out his hand for Alex to shake. Alex laughed.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“I’m Alexander. Nice to meet you, Leo.” Leo smiled. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“So, where to?” Alex wanted to go home. He wanted so badly to curl up in bed, watch all ten seasons of friends and eat so much ice cream he went into cardiac arrest. But he needed to go see Thomas. And so instead of giving Leo his own address, he gave him Thomas’.</span>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Okay, so it’d probably easier to just catch the subway to-“</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“I’m not allowed on the subway,” Alex cut in. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“You’re- what..? You live in New York, how-?” </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“I’m not... I’m not meant to go down there, Thomas-“ he cut himself off. Fuck this and fucj Thomas’ dumb stupid adorable fucking love language of keeping Alex off the subway. Why couldn’t his love language be normal, like just “I love you” the everyone else? Fucking hell. “Never mind. Cmon,”</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Hey, if you aren’t supposed to-“</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Come on, he doesn’t control me, I can do what I want.” Alex smiled, though his hands started shaking a little. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“If you’re sure...” Leo seemed cautious. Alex nodded. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Okay, well, we should probably catch-“</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Hamilton?” </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Wha-?” Alex spun around and- was that James fucking Madison? “Madison? The fucking what-“ Madison looked angry. “What the fuck are you doing here?” Realisation dawned on Alex. “Thomas sent you.” He said flatly. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Of fucking course he sent me,” Madison sounded angry. “Now say bye to your </span>
  <span class="s2">
    <em>friend</em>
  </span>
  <span class="s1"> and come on,” he glared at Leo. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Should I go..?” Leo asked a little anxiously. Alex grabbed his forearm. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“No. </span>
  <span class="s2">
    <em>We’re</em>
  </span>
  <span class="s1"> going. Thomas can’t stop me, you<em> certainly</em></span>
  <span class="s1"> can’t, so you might as well just let me catch the subway home,” Alex turned but James grabbed his arm. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Y’know what, Hamilton, with the way Thomas talks about you, you’d think that </span>
  <em><span class="s2">his</span> </em>
  <span class="s2"><em>lovely little Alex</em> </span>
  <span class="s1">would be the best person on planet fucking earth but </span>
  <span class="s2">
    <em>God</em>
  </span>
  <span class="s1">, he deserves <em>so</em> much fucking better than what youre giving him right now.” James fumed. Alex’s lip started to tremble, betraying the image of cool indifference he was trying to keep up, despite the emotion bubbling beneath the surface. Madison had hit a nerve. Alex <em>knew</em> he didn’t deserve Thomas, but they fucking <em>loved</em> each other, god damn it. Alex knew they did. God, Alex hoped against hope they did. That had to be worth something.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Fuck you,” he choked quietly, knowing this was a battle he wasn’t gonna be able to win. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“No <em>fuck </em></span>
  <span class="s2">
    <em>you</em>
  </span>
  <span class="s1"> Hamilton, you have </span>
  <span class="s2">no fucking <em>idea</em></span>
  <span class="s1"> what you’ve done to him! He’s my </span>
  <span class="s2">
    <em>best friend</em>
  </span>
  <span class="s1"> and seeing what’s happening to him, what </span>
  <span class="s2">
    <em>you’re</em>
  </span>
  <span class="s1"> doing to him-“ Madison cut himself off. “Get the fuck in the car Hamilton. For him.” </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“<em>Fuck you</em>!” Alex cried. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Alexander you’ve got to fucking realise that you cannot fucking do this to people! You can’t just say and do whatever- and seemingly fucking </span>
  <span class="s2">
    <em>whoever</em>
  </span>
  <span class="s1">- the fuck you like and expect it not to have an effect on the people who fucking </span>
  <span class="s2">
    <em>love</em>
  </span>
  <span class="s1"> you, people like Thomas!” </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“He doesn’t love me.” Alex whispered, ignoring his tears in an act of rebellious defiance, shaking his head desperately. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Oh my fucking <em>god</em>. You don’t know the <em>first fucking thing</em> about him Hamilton. Can’t you see that he’s fucking <em>scared</em>? That he’s fucking petrified that one day you’re gonna just leave him like you seem to leave everyone else? Alexander he will never </span>
  <span class="s2">
    <em>ever</em>
  </span>
  <span class="s1"> think he’s good enough for you, you that he cares about and loves more than anyone and you are </span>
  <span class="s2">hardly</span>
  <span class="s1"> fucking reassuring him.” </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Stop it.” Alex whimpered. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“No! I fucking won’t! Because sooner or later Hamilton you need to fucking learn that the shit you do can and fucking </span>
  <span class="s2">does</span>
  <span class="s1"> have an effect on other fucking people.”</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Shut </span>
  <span class="s2">up</span>
  <span class="s1">!” </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Madison sighed, cooling off. Obviously he was with Thomas to the end of the line and he was always </span>
  <span class="s2">always</span>
  <span class="s1"> gonna side with him, but he did feel for the poor kid “Get in the car Hamilton.” He said softly. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“</span>
  <span class="s2">No</span>
  <span class="s1">! Because then you’ll either take me home when I </span>
  <span class="s2">
    <em>need</em>
  </span>
  <span class="s1"> to see Thomas or- or you’ll take me to him and I need to go to him on my <em>own terms</em>! I need to tell him </span>
  <span class="s2">
    <em>I love him</em>
  </span>
  <span class="s1"> on my own- my own t-terms!” Alex sobbed, trying to keep his front up a little longer. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Alexander...” </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“No Madison, don’t you fucking </span>
  <span class="s2">
    <em>dare</em>
  </span>
  <span class="s1">, not when you’re refusing to realise that <em>I fucking </em></span>
  <span class="s2"><em>love him too</em> and</span>
  <span class="s1"> that </span>
  <span class="s2">
    <em>he</em>
  </span>
  <span class="s1"> left </span>
  <span class="s2">me</span>
  <span class="s1"> and that I </span>
  <span class="s2">
    <em>deserve</em>
  </span>
  <span class="s1"> to be fucking angry at him but that doesn’t- not for a fucking </span>
  <span class="s2">
    <em>second</em>
  </span>
  <span class="s1">- mean that I love him any less because I </span>
  <span class="s2">
    <em>don’t</em>
  </span>
  <span class="s1"> okay, I </span>
  <span class="s2">don’t</span>
  <span class="s1"> and I will never </span>
  <span class="s2">
    <em>ever</em>
  </span>
  <span class="s1"> stop loving him and I’m allowed to hate him for that!” Alex was breathing heavily and crying messily and people were starting to stare. Leo squared his shoulders and stepped a little closer to Alex, glaring at any passing people who’s eyes lingered a little too long, feeling protective over the kid who reminded Leo of himself when he was younger. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Alex, I called Thomas. </span>
  <span class="s2">He’s</span>
  <span class="s1"> coming for you and we both know you’ll listen to him,” James sounded sorry. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Fine!” It was not fine. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Alexander, maybe you should listen to him-“ Leo nodded at James. James have him a grateful look back. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“No, come on.” Alex tried to pull himself together, wiping at his cheeks and drawing himself up. “We’re leaving.” </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Are you sure-?”</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“I’m fucking <em>sure</em>, Leo, come </span>
  <span class="s2">
    <em>on</em>
  </span>
  <span class="s1">.” Leo hesitated. “</span>
  <span class="s2">
    <em>Please</em>
  </span>
  <span class="s1">.” He caved, nodding a tad reluctantly and walking Alex down the steps to the subway. </span>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Alex had almost forgotten what it was like down here and boy oh boy, he didn’t miss it. He much preferred to be chauffeured around by Thomas in his comfy car, holding Thomas’ hand and feeling simply safe. But that wasn’t an option. Well, Alex knew that sooner rather than later he’d have no choice when fucking interfering Madison called Thomas and Thomas, the overprotective fuck, came and got him. I mean, he was going to go to Thomas’ anyway, profess his love even if they were in the middle of a fight. They faught all the time, they wouldn’t be them without it. But still. </span>
  <span class="s2">He</span>
  <span class="s1"> wanted to be the one to make that choice, he wanted to show up at Thomas’ and see the surprise on the fucker’s face. He didn’t wanna see the sad, betrayed, probably angry one he was gonna get.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Alexander, I don’t want to overstep here but maybe we should’ve just done what that guy up there said and let him take you home.” Leo said gently. Alex shook his head, determined. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“No. No, I have to see him, I have to-“</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Where is he?” Thomas. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Alexander paled. Leo looked from the stairs back to Alex. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“That’s him, isn’t it?” </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Alex looked back up at Leo, wide eyed and nodded shakily. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Yeah,” he managed hoarsely. “Yeah, that’s him.” </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Should I leave-?” Leo looked like he wanted to. Alex ignored him in favour of listening out for Thomas. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Hamilton?” And yeah, Thomas was here. Fuck. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“You have my number don’t you?” Leo asked. Alex nodded, eyes trained on the corner Thomas was gonna come around any second now. “Okay, call me if anything goes wrong and I can come and find you,” Leo said. Alex glanced up at him and threw the best smile he could. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Thank you.” </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Leo smiled back. “See you around Alexander.” And then he was gone and Alex turned his eyes back to the corner where-</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Fuck. The corner Thomas was currently standing at. Shit, fuck, holy fuck. Thomas looked a mess. Alex could tell he had been crying and he was a fair few feet away, his hair was beyond messy and his clothes looked as though Thomas had only just thrown them back on. Alex crumbled into tears. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Thomas,” he whispered and Thomas was walking over, he was here, Alex could apologise and tell him, tell him that he loved him and they would be okay again. “Thomas, oh my god,” Alex fell into Thomas’ chest, clutching at him. “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry I never- fuck Tommy I’m sorry,” he cried into Thomas’ neck. Thomas stayed still, Alex waiting for arms around him that didn’t come. “Thomas?” Alex stepped back a little, blinking furiously against his tears. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Go up to James, Hamilton. Let him take you home.” Thomas sounded resigned. He sounded tired. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“What? Thomas no, please you have to listen to me-“ </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“I don’t want to fucking hear it Hamilton for fucks sake,” and oh Thomas sounded so so tired. Alex felt that insistent prickle beneath his skin and he hated that he was getting angry at Thomas, he fucking hated it but he couldn’t <em>stop</em> it. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“I’m not going with Madison. I need <em>you</em> and I’m not going to pretend otherwise anymore so it’s either <em>you</em> take me or I get the subway back to yours and wait for you to just fucking listen to me. Because I will. I will sit outside your god damn <em>stupid</em> apartment and tell you all the god damn <em>stupid</em> things I’ve wanted to tell you for what feels like ages now and I won’t leave and I won’t shut up until you fucking </span>
  <span class="s2">
    <em>listen</em>
  </span>
  <span class="s1"><em> to me</em>. So there are your options. Either way you aren’t getting rid of me and you aren’t pushing me away like you want to, like you’re trying to.” </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Hamilton I’m tired. I’m sick and I’m fucking tired of whatever the fuck this is, this little game you’re playing with me where you do whatever you like and I just have to deal with it, take whatever you give to me. And it’s not fair because you </span>
  <span class="s2">
    <em>know</em>
  </span>
  <span class="s1">, you fucking </span>
  <span class="s2">
    <em>know</em>
  </span>
  <span class="s1">-“ Thomas cut himself off when he thought he was getting too emotional. “You know I’m always going to stay and let you hurt me.” He finished quietly. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Alex didn’t think he’d ever hated anything as much as he hated this. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“I’m not going to-“</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Go to James, get in the car and go the fuck home Hamilton. I’m not dealing with you tonight.” Thomas turned to walk away. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Alex glared at Thomas’ back. “No.” Alex watched as Thomas’ head dropped, his fingers clenching and his foot tapping impatiently. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“What?” He turned back around, a muscle jumping in his jaw. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“</span>
  <span class="s2">
    <em>No</em>
  </span>
  <span class="s1">. I’ll go and I’ll find Leo and I’ll get him to take me to yours and I’ll fucking stay there as long as it takes, you fucking heartless prick, so you can try and dump me on Madison as much as you like but it isn’t fucking happening.” Alex was getting all choked up again. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Oh, so he has a name? Who’s he then, your 5th this week?” Thomas sounded mean, yeah, but more than that he sounded hurt. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Shut the fuck up Jefferson. You can’t just come down here after you left me </span>
  <span class="s2">on my own</span>
  <span class="s1"> out there when I had no </span>
  <span class="s2">
    <em>fucking</em>
  </span>
  <span class="s1"> idea where we were, when I was <em>scared</em>, and expect me to just </span>
  <span class="s2">willingly</span>
  <span class="s1"> fuck off with Madison! And especially when you know </span>
  <span class="s2">
    <em>exactly</em>
  </span>
  <span class="s1"> what I need to tell you.” And here came that anger Alex was so well acquainted with.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Alexander,” Thomas warned in that serious voice that always reminded Alex to be careful, that maybe he was in danger. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“What so this is how it is now? It’s big strong alpha Thomas here to save poor </span>
  <span class="s2">
    <em>helpless</em>
  </span>
  <span class="s1"> little Alex? Fuck that and fuck you, I’m fine on my own and I don’t need your help all the time.” Alex said hotly. Thomas darkened. “You seem to be forgetting that I had a life before you,” Debatable. “And I was fine then and I’m fine now. So if you won’t bring me home with you then </span>
  <span class="s2">fine</span>
  <span class="s1">, I’m staying here and I’ll go myself.” Alex said, glaring defiantly. Thomas looked pretty damn mad. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“You do <em>not</em> get to be angry at </span>
  <span class="s2">me</span>
  <span class="s1"> here, Hamilton.” Thomas growled. Alex’s mouth dropped open. He could be angry at whoever the </span>
  <span class="s2">fuck</span>
  <span class="s1"> he pleased, thank you very much! </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“</span>
  <span class="s2">Hey</span>
  <span class="s1">-“</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“No, no you’re going to shut your fucking mouth for once and you’re going to listen to </span>
  <span class="s2">
    <em>me</em>
  </span>
  <span class="s1"> now Alex or I swear to god.” Alex shut up. “I have always made it crystal fucking clear for you that I do <em>not</em> want you down here, have I not? And so after picking up some guy at a bar- and yeah, James saw that- you come down here with </span>
  <span class="s2">
    <em>him</em>
  </span>
  <span class="s1">? You come down here with </span>
  <span class="s2">
    <em>someone else</em>
  </span>
  <span class="s1">? Fucking </span>
  <span class="s2">jesus</span>
  <span class="s1"> Hamilton, d’you have any idea how unsafe that is? Yes you’re being a selfish little bitch right now and I don’t wanna fucking talk to you but that doesn’t mean I don’t want you fucking </span>
  <span class="s2">
    <em>safe</em>
  </span>
  <span class="s1"> for </span>
  <em>
    <span class="s2">gods sake</span>
    <span class="s1">-“ </span>
  </em>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“What’re you getting all heated up for?” Alex hissed through tears. “Not as if you </span>
  <span class="s2">love me</span>
  <span class="s1">.” And Alex said that like an expletive. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Thomas grabbed his shoulders and pushed him back two steps into the wall and this time it wasn’t sexy. It was scary and aggressive and angry. They ignored the funny looks they were getting from the few people milling around. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“That’s not the fucking point.” Thomas growled lowly, except uh, yeah, that was </span>
  <span class="s2">exactly</span>
  <span class="s1"> the fucking point. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Then what is-?”</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“We aren’t arguing on this Hamilton. Now you’re going to get the fuck up those stairs, you’re going to wait in my car and you’re going to never ever do this to me again, am I fucking clear?” </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Alex scowled defiantly. “Fuck off.”</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“I’m not going to tell you again.” Thomas warned. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Alex glared for a moment before he caved, scurrying up the stairs and to jareth, leaving Thomas to fall back against the wall, his head in his hands. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Jesus fucking christ. Alex was killing him. </span>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“You know what I wanna say.” Alex said softly as they drove. Thomas didn’t break his silence, his jaw set, gripping the wheel just a little tighter. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Yeah.” He said after a while. Alex blinked. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Then why can’t I just-“</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Because I don’t want to fucking hear it, Hamilton,” he bit out. Alex’s lip started to tremble as he looked over with blatant upset scribbled over his face. Thomas glanced over and sighed, seeming to let the anger go a little. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Because you don’t feel the same.” Alex concluded quietly, looking down. Thomas looked over. </span>
  <span class="s2">No. </span>
  <span class="s1">No that was not it. Of course it wasn’t, Thomas loved Alex to fucking bits and no matter how angry Thomas was at Alex- and believe you me he was fucking angry- Thomas would always always love Alex. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“No, Alex.” Thomas said gently. “It’s because I’m scared.” </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Alex looked up. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Thomas-“ </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Alexander for fucks sake please just </span>
  <span class="s2">stop</span>
  <span class="s1">. I cannot handle that, not now. Not for a while. I can’t forgive you yet.” </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Alex just stared, letting tears roll down his colourless cheeks unblinkingly. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“That’s okay.” Alex whispered, voice quivering. “I-I don’t expect you to.” </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Thomas wanted oh so badly to just take Alex to bed and try and forget all of this. But that’d be bad. For the both of them. “I was just going to say I’m sorry.” </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">The next ten minutes were silent. Alex had hesitantly reached over, after much internal debate, to take Thomas’ hand as some sort of peace treaty, their little car tradition. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Thomas pulled away. </span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>fucking Jesus hell guys it has been a whileeeeeeee and omg I missed the shit out of u wonderful guys like my og darling reader and my fave popcorn club and waking up and frantically refreshing my inbox for y’all’s comments and such like~~~~ omg i hated it without you<br/>I shan’t bore you with the details but I wasn’t okay for a whole and now whap bam here I am, fine and dandy and ready to hop on back into our routine of a few chapters a week (the chapters may be coming to an end soon uh ohhhh) but yeah I’m trying to boost my motivation a bit, hoping you guys can do that in the comments and yeah,<br/>Here’s me trying to make up for ditching you for almost a month with a long chapter ehehvsgsvs<br/>I MISSED YOUS AND I MISSED THIS<br/>lots and plenty and many love, willow xxx<br/>P.S say hi to my oc Leo!!! I’ve had him for years and I love him so much</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0035"><h2>35. But you already knew that.</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>guys when i tell you things are getting intense.,.,,, woooooooo hoooooooo I think I might meant it</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p class="p2">
  <span class="s1">Alex stayed quiet for the whole car ride, way too deep in his own thoughts to know if Thomas stayed quiet too. And there he sat, curled in towards Thomas, open and willing and blatant in his love with his hands folded neatly on his lap, trying to unscramble his head. </span>
</p><p class="p2">
  <span class="s1">Okay. </span>
</p><p class="p2">
  <span class="s1">Okay, okay, okay. </span>
</p><p class="p2">
  <span class="s1">Here are the facts: Alex loves Thomas. Thomas- let’s face it, Alex’s self doubt,- Thomas loved Alex too. Thomas was scared. Thomas was angry. Alex was going to fix it any fucking way he could. He was going to tell Thomas he loved him, really really this time. He was determined. </span>
</p><p class="p2">
  <span class="s1">“Alexander.” Thomas bumped Alex out of his thoughts. </span>
</p><p class="p2">
  <span class="s1">“Wha-“ Alex jumped. “Yeah what w-“ Alex blinked and acknowledged where he was. Thomas avoided his eyes.</span>
</p><p class="p2">
  <span class="s1">“Wh-why are we at mine?” Alex demanded after being made aware of his surroundings. </span>
</p><p class="p2">
  <span class="s1">“Because I took you home, Alex,” Thomas said quietly, resigned. “That was what you wanted.” Thomas knew that wasn’t really the deal. </span>
</p><p class="p2">
  <span class="s1">“N- </span>
  <span class="s2">
    <em>No</em>
  </span>
  <span class="s1">! You were supposed to take me </span>
  <span class="s2">home</span>
  <span class="s1">, </span>
  <span class="s2">your</span>
  <span class="s1"> house, you were supposed-“ </span>
</p><p class="p2">
  <span class="s1">“I was supposed to take you back to mine.” Thomas finished. Alex looked at him all questioning and sad. “So that you could tell me that you...” Thomas didn’t want to say it. “But I </span>
  <span class="s2">
    <em>don’t</em>
  </span>
  <span class="s1"> want you to. Are you listening? I do not want you to.” Thomas’ tone said that this conversation was finished. Alex ignored said tone. </span>
</p><p class="p2">
  <span class="s1">“Thomas please-“</span>
</p><p class="p2">
  <span class="s1">“</span>
  <span class="s2">
    <em>God</em>
  </span>
  <span class="s1"> Hamilton you are so fucking selfish!” Thomas cut in. “I’ve told you that I can’t fucking handle you right now and you just won’t leave me the fuck alone, will you?” </span>
</p><p class="p2">
  <span class="s1">Alex’s heart had stopped but still he held his chin up. “Not until I know you’ll be okay.” His voice trembled. </span>
</p><p class="p2">
  <span class="s1">Thomas’ knuckles were white on the steering wheel. </span>
</p><p class="p2">
  <span class="s1">“I won’t be okay. I won’t be okay Alex, but you’re not going to make it any better.” Thomas shut his eyes, clearly wanting to just be done with all this. </span>
</p><p class="p2">
  <span class="s1">“Well I can try.” Alex said, still determined. “I won’t give up on you. I won’t. I’m not giving up on you, or us, or-“</span>
</p><p class="p2">
  <span class="s1">“Alex there is no us.” Thomas’ voice was soft but it had a deadly edge that Alex felt pressed right against his throat. </span>
</p><p class="p2">
  <span class="s1">“There is, I know there is.” Alex fought so hard to stop himself breaking down, wiping away at any tears, trying not to let himself fracture. </span>
</p><p class="p2">
  <span class="s1">“No, Alex-“</span>
</p><p class="p2">
  <span class="s1">“I refuse to believe that you don’t feel this too. After everything you’ve said to me? The way you act like-like I’m the only thing on earth, the way you look at me? You expect me to really believe that it all means </span>
  <span class="s2">
    <em>nothing</em>
  </span>
  <span class="s1"> to you?” Thomas stared at Alex with so many contradictory emotions on his face. Alex stared right back. It was clear Thomas wasn’t gonna answer. </span>
</p><p class="p2">
  <span class="s1">“God, why did it have to be </span>
  <span class="s2">you</span>
  <span class="s1">?” Alex’s composure was starting to crack as he cried in frustration and sadness and anger and hurt and confusion. “I need you so much and- and you don’t even want to admit that there’s anything between us,” Alex was neglecting to wipe his tears and something in Thomas started to flare up, imploring Thomas to just </span>
  <span class="s2">please</span>
  <span class="s1"> stop Alex crying. Thomas </span>
  <span class="s2">
    <em>hated</em>
  </span>
  <span class="s1"> it when Alex cried. “Well I-I can’t loose you so you’re gonna have to try harder than t-this to f-fucking loose me.” And Alex still somehow sounded determined through all this. </span>
</p><p class="p2">
  <span class="s1">Thomas needed Alex to fucking leave. He couldn’t let Alex convince him that they could make this okay. They’d both done and said so much that they couldn’t fix now. He couldn’t let Alex give him hope. </span>
</p><p class="p2">
  <span class="s1">“Go home Alex.” He tried to keep his voice steady, eyes shut. </span>
</p><p class="p2">
  <span class="s1">“You know I won’t. You know what I need to tell you and you know I’m not going to let you throw me off. So I’m gonna stay right fucking here until you either listen to me or you fucking </span>
  <span class="s2">
    <em>make</em>
  </span>
  <span class="s1"><em> me</em> leave.” Alex’s lip trembled as he made one last effort to keep himself breaking completely. </span>
</p><p class="p2">
  <span class="s1">Thomas shut his eyes as tight as he could, burying his head in his arms that rested on his steering wheel. </span>
</p><p class="p2">
  <span class="s1">“Alex, go. </span>
  <span class="s2">
    <em>Now</em>
  </span>
  <span class="s1">.” He warned, hands clenching in his hair. </span>
</p><p class="p2">
  <span class="s1">“No.” </span>
</p><p class="p2">
  <span class="s1">“God, can’t you see I don’t fucking want you?” Thomas yelled, eyes blazing as he sat up. He’d snapped, he couldn’t handle this anymore. </span>
</p><p class="p2">
  <span class="s1">Alex’s face fell, his heart stuttering. Thomas paled at the realisation of what he he said, at the look on poor Alex’s face and all the anger bled away into painful regret. </span>
</p><p class="p2">
  <span class="s1">“Alex-“ Thomas tried. Alex cut him off. </span>
</p><p class="p2">
  <span class="s1">“You want me to leave so fucking bad, Thomas? <em>Fine</em>, I’ll fucking leave, but don’t you fucking </span>
  <span class="s2"><em>dare</em> </span>
  <span class="s1">act like this is my fault now. <em>You</em> ruined this.” </span>
</p><p class="p2">
  <span class="s1">“Hamilton please-“ Thomas’ voice cracked. </span>
</p><p class="p2">
  <span class="s1">“Oh so we’re back to Hamilton now? </span>
  <span class="s2">
    <em>Really</em>
  </span>
  <span class="s1">? After-”</span>
</p><p class="p2">
  <span class="s1">“You never just fucking listen to me!” Thomas cut in, his whole body shaking and his head feeling entirely too loud. Alex blinked, watching in increasing distress as Thomas started to spiral away into his own mind. </span>
</p><p class="p2">
  <span class="s1">“You just fucking turn up, refusing to go home, refusing to leave me on my own but you can’t seem to see that I-I can’t keep fucking letting you break my heart all the fucking time cause it’s getting so much</span>
  <span class="s1"> harder to put everything back together when you leave me,” Thomas was unraveling. “Oh but </span>
  <span class="s2">
    <em>then</em>
  </span>
  <span class="s1">, then you come back with your sunshine smiles and your flowery words and I </span>
  <span class="s2">
    <em>can’t help</em>
  </span>
  <span class="s1"> but fall for you over and over and </span>
  <span class="s2">
    <em>over</em>
  </span>
  <span class="s1"><em> again</em> and I </span>
  <span class="s2"><em>hate</em> it</span>
  <span class="s1"> because I need time and when I’m with you I just wanna take everything a million miles a minute and it’s- </span>
  <span class="s2">
    <em>fuck</em>
  </span>
  <span class="s1">-“ and oh god no, Thomas was </span>
  <span class="s2">really </span>
  <span class="s1">fucking crying. “I c-cant fucking breathe anymore and I feel like I’m going insane and I don’t... I don’t- This isn’t me Hamilton, I don’t break like this, </span>
  <span class="s2"><em>y-you</em> </span>
  <span class="s1">make me break like this and I don’t know what to </span>
  <span class="s2">do</span>
  <span class="s1">- I’m so fucking scared of t-this, I just want it all to stop fucking <em>hurting</em> so much-“ Thomas cut himself off with an involuntary sob and god it was </span>
  <span class="s2">all</span>
  <span class="s1"> coming to light now. “And I-I’m so fucking scared of you realising that I’m not who you thought I was a-and I’m not what you want anymore, and then I’ll be left behind and I c-can’t- I can’t let you go, I </span>
  <span class="s2">
    <em>can’t</em>
  </span>
  <span class="s1">-“ Alex had never ever seen Thomas in such a state and knew, then and there, with absolute resolution, that he would do anything and everything he could to make them better again, to make Thomas better again. </span>
</p><p class="p2">
  <span class="s1">“I <em>need you</em></span>
  <span class="s1">.” Thomas’ voice was so small and shaky and Alex reached over, heart absolutely breaking as he stared at Thomas, watched him break down, but again, Thomas pulled away. “Get out Hamilton, please j-just go, don’t make me-“ his words trailed off into crying, huge shaky breaths heaving at his chest and fuck, Alex </span>
  <span class="s2">hated</span>
  <span class="s1"> this. He felt so paralysed, unable to help, unable to even comfort Thomas. Seeing someone he loved so much in so much pain </span>
  <span class="s2">because of him </span>
  <span class="s1">was worse, more heart wrenching than anything. Than everything. </span>
</p><p class="p2">
  <span class="s1">“Please just go,” Thomas whispered brokenly. Oh Jesus fucking christ, it hurt Alex seeing Thomas like this and it was like something jolting in Alex’s head that this was really hurting Thomas too. </span>
  <span class="s2">He</span>
  <span class="s1"> was </span>
  <span class="s2">really</span>
  <span class="s1"> hurting Thomas. </span>
</p><p class="p2">
  <span class="s1">“Okay.” Alex said quietly, gently getting out. “Okay Tommy, I’ll go. I’ll leave you alone, I-I’ll... I’ll l-leave b-but I need you to- to just do something for me, Tommy yeah? Please?” Alex tried for a smile through his tears and from now he was broken. Thomas stared at him with wide eyes that glittered like a fractured mirror, reflections upon reflections in his tearful constellation eyes that Alex had fallen so hopelessly for before he shut his eyes again.<br/>
“Just please, </span>
  <span class="s2"><em>please</em> </span>
  <span class="s1">remember that I...” love you. Please remember I love you.</span><br/>
 
  <span class="s1">Thomas met his eyes and he knew. Alex faltered. </span>
  <span class="s2"><em>Thomas didn’t wanna hear it</em>.<br/>
</span>
  <span class="s1">“Always.” He whispered.</span>
  <span class="s2"> “</span>
  <span class="s1">But you already knew that.” He finished quietly, shutting the door and walking silently into his building, waiting until he was out of sight to let himself break down, his weak, trembling knees crumbling beneath him.</span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>okay gang this one is kinda short but plenty of words with plenty of meaning were shared,,,,,, ummmm we March closer to a confession with every passing chapter guys like~~<br/>I love you all so muchhhh<br/>~ Yours most very faithfully, willow xxx</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0036"><h2>36. God, I could just fucking punch you.</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Alex blanked. His blood ran cold in his veins and he didn’t know what to do about it except try and reclaim some of that fire that had a parasitic relationship with him. It didn’t work and so Alex remained hollow. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Now all the cards were on the table. Thomas said he’d fallen for Alex. It wasn’t those three words but it was damn near close enough. Alex basically spelled it out for Thomas. And so now they knew, knew that they loved each other. And they couldn’t be blissfully unaware anymore. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Alex thought maybe that it was better to think his feelings were one sided. It was so much easier to mask his emotions and be careful of how vulnerable he was being when he didn’t think his feelings we reciprocated. Except now he knew. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">And fuck, this had all happened in less than a week and Alex </span>
  <span class="s2">
    <em>was</em>
  </span>
  <span class="s1"> just a fucking kid like Thomas always used to say, he couldn’t handle this, these rapid intense changes. But he would. He’d endure this, he’d learn to handle it for Thomas cause Thomas deserved it more than anyone Alex ever knew of. Thomas was perfect and Alex </span>
  <span class="s2">
    <em>would</em>
  </span>
  <span class="s1"> fight for him. He convinced himself he could be strong enough. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">He shut his door softly, lingering with this forehead rested against it before taking a few shaky breaths and telling himself he couldn’t break down before he got to his bedroom. A few steps later and his knees were growing weaker, his breaths heavier and he held onto the corner of a wall for balance. His apartment was tiny, this shouldn’t be a big deal, fuck. But <em>god</em> it was hard to concentrate when his mind was poisoned with images of Thomas crying like that, a ghostly retelling did what he had said broadcasted through his head. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Okayokayokay shut the fuck up, Alex’s head. Alex just needed to make it to his bedroom where he could curl up and pretend nothing else existed. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">He made it to his bedroom with trembly steps, shutting the door and it was like his mind had just shut off. Stopped working. And he froze up. He didn’t know what he was feeling, he didn’t know how to kickstart himself again. And so he just... didn’t. He stayed right there, sprawled on his bedroom floor against his door, staring transfixed at his bed where just this fucking morning Thomas and he woke up together and- fuck this hurt. He’d fucked up bad, no denying that one, but he knew somewhere in him that he could make it okay again. He </span>
  <span class="s2">
    <em>had</em>
  </span>
  <span class="s1"><em> to</em> make it okay again. </span>
</p><p class="p1"><span class="s1">He slid to his floor, curling his knees up to his in chest and trying to even out his breathing. There we go, there we go, okay. Okay. Alex titled his head to the side, staring blankly at a random point on his wall and everything else blurred into nothing around him.<br/>Fuck.<br/> <br/></span>And then came trouble.</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Alex?” Someone was knocking on his front door. “Alex? Alex, I fucked up, where’s Jefferson, he here? I need to talk to him and he’s not at his place. Alex!” </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1"> Alex listened from his bedroom floor and oh my fucking god, it was </span>
  <span class="s2">
    <em>Laurens</em>
  </span>
  <span class="s1"> and fuck, he’d forgotten that dangerously angry part of him. Alex scowled brokenly, bitter and fiery and aching and desperately wanting to know </span>
  <span class="s2">why</span>
  <span class="s1">. He stayed silent, not trusting himself to say anything until he had an explanation. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Fuck off!” He yelled. Okay, just because he didn’t wanna lash out didn’t mean he wasn’t angry. Because man oh man he fucking was. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Alex I’m coming in,” I mean at least there was a warning. Alex didn’t move but his face darkened and never before had he wanted to punch his best friend so much. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Don’t you fucking dare come in here after what you did Laurens, I’m warning you!” Alex could’ve screamed. It was taking all his self restraint to not, truth be told. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Alex, please I need to talk to you,” John was right on the other side of the door. “Please.” </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Alex growled quietly to himself before standing up and flinging his bedroom door open because even after it all, John was still his best friend and of course he had a soft spot for him. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Before you give me some bullshit excuse Laurens, what you did was fucking evil and I’m not ever going to forgive you for what you did to me and Thomas.” This whole situation had hurt Alex way too much and he decided that in order to not let his pain (or John) win, he was going to be mature and responsible about this like he’d never been but like he should’ve been. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“You and Thomas? Why the fuck is everything Alex and Thomas against the world lately?” John demanded. Alex’s mouth fell open and fuck that, maturity was thrown across the Hudson River because ex-<em>fucking-</em></span>
  <span class="s2"><em>scuse</em> me</span>
  <span class="s1">? </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“You are </span>
  <span class="s2">not</span>
  <span class="s1"> asking the questions here you fucking prick!” Alex’s skin prickled uncomfortably. “You can’t just march in here after what you fucking did and expect us to be cool! You fucking kissed me when you knew I loved Thomas and I had to fucking tell him that earlier! Today was our first date, y’know that? And now, instead of remembering that, I’m gonna remember fucking this!”</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“I know, I know and I’m sorry, I never meant for it to get this far-“ </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Alex paled and John stuttered to a stop. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Oh John, <em>please</em> tell me you didn’t do this on purpose,” Alex’s voice was soft and quiet and Laurens was honestly scared. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“I... I-I-“ </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Oh no... oh my god, </span>
  <span class="s2"><em>no</em>,</span>
  <span class="s1">” Alex backed off disbelievingly. “You knew exactly what the fuck you were doing,” Alex breathed, and it wasn’t a question. John shook his head desperately. “So- so everything, everyone... Washington? And Laf? </span>
  <span class="s2">
    <em>You</em>
  </span>
  <span class="s1"> turned them against us? Against Thomas and me?” Alex asked, hoping it wasn’t true but he knew that it was, a hopeless, betrayed weight lending itself to Alex. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Alex I only ever wanted to make sure you were okay and Thomas- Thomas wasn’t making you okay, he changed you, he made you act out, he-” </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“God, I could just fucking punch you!” Oh and boy did Alex want to. He just couldn’t believe any of this could ever happen to him. John was his very best friend, the person he’d been closest to since he fucking moved to this country and to think he’d do this? For such a juvenile fucking reason? Fucking </span>
  <span class="s2">hell</span>
  <span class="s1">, it had Alex’s head splitting at the seams. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Y’know who you remind me of lately, Laurens?” Alex asked, venom in his voice.“<em>Your fucking </em></span>
  <span class="s2">
    <em>father</em>
  </span>
  <span class="s1"><em>.</em>” John darkened. “What was it he said? That what he was doing was for you own good? That he was manipulative because he <em>loved you</em> and he wanted what was <em>best</em> for you?” Alex was so very </span>
  <span class="s2">very</span>
  <span class="s1">angry but that kept getting burnt out by an indescribable hurt of fighting with his best friend. Because John truly was his best friend before all of this. “That sound familiar to you, Laurens?” </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Fuck you,” John growled. “What I did, I did to protect you.”</span>
</p><p class="p1"><span class="s1">“Oh to </span><span class="s2"><em>protect</em></span><span class="s1"><em> me</em>? Protect me from what? From </span><span class="s2"><em>Thomas</em></span><span class="s1">? </span><span class="s2"><em>Really</em></span><span class="s1">? Cause he’s the only person for the last few weeks who’s actually given a fuck about anything I have to say, who’s actually listened to me and </span><span class="s2"><em>actually</em></span><span class="s1"> protected me!” Alex yelled and he was saying truths here that he wasn’t even prepared to admit to himself. “A-And fuck that too, it’s not as if I need </span><span class="s2">protecting</span><span class="s1"> like I’m some fucking kid when no one seems to realise that I’m an adult, I came to this fucking country all by myself and I was fine, I made myself out of nothing and when I needed someone to protect me? I was completely on my own. And guess fucking what? I <em>still</em> survived! And to even think I need you- </span><span class="s2"><em>you</em></span><span class="s1">! To protect me from </span><span class="s2"><em>Thomas</em>? </span><span class="s1">That’s the most</span> <span class="s1">ignorant fucking thing that you’ve said to me. And hey, you know what John? Even when I </span><span class="s2"><em>was</em></span><span class="s1"> vulnerable and when I <em>did</em> need someone, it was never <em>ever</em> you. Not with Thomas. It was </span><span class="s2"><em>you</em></span><span class="s1"> who’d put me into those positions, it was </span><span class="s2"><em>you</em></span><span class="s1"> who made Laf and Washington think that Thomas could <em>ever</em> be bad for me when he’s the only good thing in my life right now, it was <em>you</em> who</span><span class="s1"> fucking kissed me when you knew I was angry at Thomas and you knew I’d let you and you knew it’d cause trouble and you thought it could get rid of Thomas. But when it didn’t, it was </span><span class="s2"><em>you</em></span><span class="s1"> who made it so that I had to look him in the eyes, the man <em>I fucking love</em>, and tell him that I kissed my best friend when he was the other side of the wall and I can’t ever ever forgive you.” </span></p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“So that’s it? You can’t forgive me, so now after everything we’ve been through, it’s him over me?” John demanded. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Always,” Alex said with absolute confidence and determination. “It’s <em>always</em> him over you now.”</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Okay, fine so we’ve been best friends for how many years? Almost five, right? Five fucking years, and you’re willing to throw that away for a guy you’ve known barely a year-“</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“A year and 8 months,” Alex corrected quietly, more to himself than Laurens, trying to use numbers and facts and cold statistics chill him out. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Because why? Cause you got a little workplace crush on your rival? Cause you got drunk and let him whisk you away to his magical rich boy castle? Or is it because he fucked you a few times, marked you up and you convinced yourself you’re in love.” John hissed. “You’re too fucking naiive and now you’re pushing </span>
  <span class="s2">me</span>
  <span class="s1"> away after everything?”</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Just because </span>
  <span class="s2">we</span>
  <span class="s1"> have history Laurens, it doesn’t mean I have to make allowances for you. It doesn’t mean you know me better and it doesn’t mean you get to decide what’s right for me.” Alex’s voice shook with anger and a little bit of fight bled from John. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Alex-“</span>
</p><p class="p1"><span class="s1">“No I’m not fucking finished, Laurens, and you’re going to shut the fuck up and you’re going to listen to everything I have to say and you don’t get to fucking argue.” Alex knew that in this moment Thomas would be proud of him. “You formed an opinion on Thomas before you ever even considered getting to know him and you’re just too fucking arrogant to believe that first impressions aren’t what define a person. You have </span><span class="s2"><em>never</em></span><span class="s1"> gotten to see what he’s really like and it’s because of you that I’m never going to be able to again and I fucking </span><span class="s2"><em>hate</em></span><span class="s1"> you for that.” </span><br/><br/>And that one seemed to have a sobering affect on Laurens.</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1"> “You say you wanna make sure I’m okay and that you don’t think that Thomas is good for me or whatever the fuck else but then <em>you’re</em> the one fucking gas-lighting me and fucking me up and making me fucking </span>
  <span class="s2">
    <em>miserable</em>
  </span>
  <span class="s1"> because you think it’ll get rid of Thomas and that then we can go back to poor defenceless little Alex and John with the saviour complex here to save the day, to fix me and make me better again like you did back when I was nineteen. Well I’m not a kid laurens, I can stand on my own two feet and I <em>don’t</em> need your protection anymore.” </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">John looked genuinely hurt. He looked as though Alex had gotten through to him, that he was actually thinking about what he’d done and he actually looked sorry. Alex- fucking stupid soft idiot he is- felt bad and sighed. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Look, I...I know how scared you are of being left behind but... all you’re doing now is pushing me further and further away from you, pushing us all away, and when I break, it won’t be you putting me back together again.” Alex said softly. John met his eyes. “And then we’ll be strangers and I </span>
  <span class="s2">
    <em>can’t loose you</em>
  </span>
  <span class="s1"> because as much as I <em>fucking hate you</em> right now, and <em>trust me,</em> I really fucking do,” Alex tried to sound severe but too many emotions were consuming him and he really just needed a hug. “I still love you.” Alex’s breath was heavy and his voice went quiet. John looked stuck between what he thought was right and what he learned was right. Because as wrong as John was on this one and as terribly as he handled the situation, he wasn’t a bad person. He was just wrong and a little bit fucked up. “But right now I really really don’t want to, okay? And you’re gonna just have to understand that.”</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">John looked at him, really looked, and something told Alex that they’d clicked. They were on the same page and they both were beginning to understand. They weren’t friends yet and Alex doubted he could ever be as close with Laurens again but he thought that maybe Laurens understood that. Maybe he understood why. </span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>hiiiiiiiiiiiii gang, so I’m a little overwhelmed with life right now but I’m really trying!!! To not only write decent chapters for you guys but also to get them out as quick as I can!! And you guys honestly are a godsend, I read comments with the biggest smiles on my face cause of how happy yall make me :)))<br/>AnYWAys I hope you liked!!! I would just like to let you know that we are so very well on the road to recovery and that everything is getting fixed so yeah, there is hope for our dumbasses yet &lt;333<br/>As always, yours truly,<br/>Willow xxx</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0037"><h2>37. Alex was his Achilles heel.</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>let’s rock and roll, buckaroo</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Alex was snapped from his almost trance as he stared contemplatively at Laurens, running everything through his- surprisingly calm- head. He was genuinely so full of hope that he could fix this, could make it all work out. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">And then came the second knock of the night. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">This time the knocker didn’t wait for a response before letting themselves in. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“I hope you are ready to apologise, mon ami.” Lafayette stood looking slightly hurt, slightly stern, slightly disappointed and very much sorry for Alex. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">And after a moment of shock, Alex broke down. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“L-Laf I’m sorry, I should never have... You were there for me and I was a bitch and I’m so sorry,” Alex’s composure left him for a moment and tears welled up in his eyes. Lafayette sighed but opened his arms to Alex, an invitation Alex gladly accepted. </span>
  <span class="s1">Alex curled into Lafayette’s collarbones, gripping onto him like he was the only thing left. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“This is a whole as fuck mess, Alexander.” Angelica noticed, stood beside Laf and even though it was nearing 2am, she still looked put together and neat and professional. Alex glared up at her. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Where the fuck have </span>
  <span class="s2">you</span>
  <span class="s1"> been though all of this?” Alex asked, trying to sound sharp but really just sounding sad. “I fucking <em>needed</em> you and-“ Angelica grabbed Alex to shut him up and pulled him in for a hug. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“If you fucking dare mouth off at me Hamilton, so help you god.” She warned, petting Alex’s hair. Alex shut up real quick.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“I’m sorry.” he whispered as Angelica pulled back, grabbing him by the shoulders and tucking some of his hair behind his ear. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“I think the only person you need to be sorry to is Thomas.” Angelica said. Alex looked down and wondered who’d filled her in. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“I know.” He shut his eyes tight and took a shaky breath. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“You look a mess, baby.” She told him softly, cupping his cheek and wiping away tears with her thumb. He leant into her hand. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“I gathered.” He mumbled before stepping away. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">By now, he had way cooled off and was ready to really fix this, to sort it all out so that he could fix Thomas, then maybe, eventually, he could fix himself. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Okay. Okay, okay.” He breathed. “John?” John looked up, all three of them watching as Alex seemed to sober up. “I’m not your scared, helpless little teen that relies on you for survival anymore. You have to realise that I don’t need you as much as I did once and you need to understand that that’s a </span>
  <span class="s2"><em>good thing</em>.</span>
  <span class="s1">” Alex said, determined. Angelica glanced over at Laurens. “You thought that big bad Thomas was somehow getting in my head and fucking me up but I was only ever so up and down because I was scared. I was so confused and upset and in love and I didn’t think he’d ever love me back. And just as I was getting over that fear, when things were finally, </span>
  <span class="s2">finally</span>
  <span class="s1"> getting better, it was <em>you </em>who messed me up.” Alex was speaking softly, there was no edge to his voice but he still sounded just as resolute. John ignored the tears on his lashes. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Lafayette, I’m so sorry I ever pushed you away.” Alex said, turning to Lafayette. Angelica looked to Alex, giving Laurens a moment to wipe his eyes and compose himself. “You put up with so much from me that no one else would deal with, and I’m so thankful to have you in my life.” Alex nodded at Lafayette. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“And Angelica, you’re a fucking god send and I’m sorry that you’ve been brought into my messy, messy life.” Angelica smiled gently. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“A-and then there’s Thomas.” Alex was beginning to struggle. John watched him. “I-I just want you to know that I love him. Really, I do. And this isn’t me being dumb and young or w-whatever else everyone’s said. Thomas has never ever hurt me and I know he never ever would so </span>
  <span class="s2">
    <em>please</em>
  </span>
  <span class="s1">, don’t worry about us.” Alex said. He looked at John. “You and me know different people. I-I realise that now, that you don’t see Thomas, y-you see who he thinks he needs to be, who he pretends to be and that’s- that’s not him. I gotta tell him that I know </span>
  <span class="s2">
    <em>him</em>
  </span>
  <span class="s1">. Bec-because I love him and he’s the only one who doesn’t know yet.” Alex started tripping over his words. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">His friends stared at him in pity. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Go and tell him Alex.” Lafayette said quietly. Angelica smiled. John hesitated but nodded too. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“I love you.” Alex said, wiping at his cheeks. John looked down again. “</span>
  <span class="s2">
    <em>All</em>
  </span>
  <span class="s1"> of you.” Alex added. John met his eyes and Alex didn’t smile, neither did John, and Alex wasn’t ready to forgive him yet, but he thought if they figured some shit out and they gave each other time then they’d be okay. That he would be ready, one day. And things were looking up. </span>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Alex called Leo. He didn’t know why but in his insane crazy life, Leo had been a nice comfort. Alex was scared after a few rings that it’d ring out but someone picked up. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Leo?”</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Alexander? Hey, are you okay?” Leo asked groggily. Alex heard shuffling. “You sound like you’re on the street, I can come and get you, if you like? Are you safe-?”</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Hey, I’m fine, I’m okay I just... uh... I’m gonna go do something that requires a bit more courage than I currently have,” Alex’s voice was a little trembly as he pulled Thomas’ jacket further around himself. “And... and I wanna say thank you.” </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Aw, you don’t have to thank me for anything, Alexander.” Alex could hear the smile in his voice and it made Alex feel safe. “And hey, I’m sending you like, all the courage I have, which admittedly isn’t a lot, but I don’t really think you need much more,” Leo said. Alex felt beyond lucky to have happened upon such a genuinely good person when there were so many different and awful ways his night could’ve gone if not for Leo. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Thanks Leo,” he mumbled with a smile.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Ha, no problem, Alexander.” Leo laughed. “Uh, well as lovely as it is to talk to you again, I think you should probably keep your wits about you, walking around on your own at this time,” Leo said. “Or I could come for you?” He offered. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“It’s okay. Thank you though, seriously, for like... everything.” </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“I hope you can figure yourself out once he knows.”</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Wha-? But I didn’t tell you that I-“ </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“You didn’t have to.” Leo said pointedly. Alex stilled, clutching his phone. The realisation that soon, Thomas would know just how in love Alex head beginning to hit, Alex started to feel the weight and maybe he’d die on impact when that big looming shadow of doubt that followed him around finally got to him. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“I can tell you’ve stopped, what did I tell you about keeping your wits about you? Now stop staring into the middle distance like a drama queen and tell him how you feel, dummy.” Leo fake scolded. Alex laughed and- did he love Leo? He thought so. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Shut up-“ he grumbled, walking again. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Good luck, and be safe,” Leo sounded smiley before hanging up. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Fuck, Alex was scared. </span>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Alex had been stood outside Thomas’ door, staring at the lines in the wood and trying oh so hard to force himself to be able to do this for god knows how long. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">He needed to do this, he knew he did and he wasn’t going to talk himself out of it, but that didn’t make him any less scared. He took a shaky breath and thought about that courage Leo said he’d send over. His skin started to prickle. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Fuck fuck fuck, okay. Okay he had to do this and he had to do it </span>
  <span class="s2">now. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">He knocked and leant against the door, almost curling into it. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Thomas?” He sounded small, yet resolute, determined to let Thomas know how much he meant, even if Thomas didn’t </span>
  <span class="s2">want</span>
  <span class="s1"> to know. “Thomas it’s me.” He said, as if Thomas didn’t know that. “I... I know you don’t wanna see me or hear me or think about me, but I need you. I need you, and I know you don’t want me to, but I can’t stop it and I don’t... I don’t </span>
  <span class="s2">
    <em>want</em>
  </span>
  <span class="s1"><em> to</em>.” Alex’s voice trembled. Thomas’ apartment stayed still. Alex contained his tears and slid down to the floor, curling his knees up and shutting his eyes. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Okay. If you don’t wanna hear me talking about how gone for </span>
  <span class="s2">
    <em>you</em>
  </span>
  <span class="s1"> I am... There’s this man.” Alex started shakily. “He’s a sweetheart and he’s beautiful and generous and he’s kind. He’s cute as all hell and he has only ever tried to look after me when I thought everyone else was out to get me. He’s a... He’s a h-<em>huge</em> fucking nerd,” Alex struggled. “A-and if I had to do it all again... he’s the one thing I wouldn’t change.” He started to cry and he thought he heard a noise from inside. “You, Thomas Jefferson, are the one thing I wouldn’t change.” Alex was crying in earnest now. “And... and ever since I can remember, you have always, </span>
  <span class="s2">always</span>
  <span class="s1"> been perfect. You used to c-check if I ate whenever you came into my office, you used to laugh at my dumb as fuck jokes that I only ever made to see you smile andy-you used to check if I-I was home yet w-when you left.” Alex smiled through tears. “And that was b-before all... all of this because you’ve </span>
  <span class="s2">always</span>
  <span class="s1"> been a <em>good person</em>,” Alex blinked his eyes open, staring at the door. “And I know how annoyed you must be at me right now but I couldn’t go another fucking minute without speaking to you, even if you won’t speak back.” Alex gave Thomas a moment. Thomas didn’t reply. “Okay.” Alex dragged himself up. “Okay,” Alex’s voice quivered. “I’ll uh... I’ll go now. But um... but please, T-Tommy please,” Alex backed off a little, cradling himself in Thomas’ way too big jacket. “I’m so so sorry for- for ever hurting you and y-you truly do deserve s-so much more than me,” Alex’s voice broke and his breath hitched as he cried. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">And it was then that Thomas flung the door open, tear stained and broken, heart thrumming in his head like an insistent drum beat to a tragic melody. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">And he threw himself at Alex. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Alex, you <em>stupid</em> fucking idiot,” Thomas’ voice was weak but he gripped fiercely at Alex, winding the smaller’s hair around his fingers and pulling Alex as close as he could physically get him. Alex cried into Thomas’ shoulder, his feet not even touching the ground as he wound his arms around Thomas’ neck. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“My dumbass,” Thomas said into Alex’s hair, pushing them against the wall and holding Alex as tight as he could. Alex cried harder, wrapping his legs around Thomas’ middle and grabbing handfuls of his hair. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“I love you.” Alex sobbed, struggling to speak now, his trembling so bad that Thomas could feel it too. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">And god, Thomas was <em>always</em> gonna have a soft spot for Alex. Alex was his Achilles heel. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Alex’s head was spinning and the dark had carved bits of him away, taken his confidence but taken his hesitation, leaving him partially there, broken but somehow whole. Because Thomas fixed the things that Alex had lost. He made it all better, he made Alex better and better and made him </span>
  <span class="s2">
    <em>want</em>
  </span>
  <span class="s1"> to be. Made him </span>
  <span class="s2">
    <em>try</em>
  </span>
  <span class="s1"> to be better. Oh god and Alex loved him. How he loved him. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Alex,” Thomas murmured, nudging Alex’s chin with his finger, trying to get Alex to look at him. Alex’s head stayed buried in Thomas’ shoulder. “Alex.” Thomas tried again. Alex shook his head, pulling Thomas into himself as hard as he could manage. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“I’m sorry,” Alex whispered into Thomas’ neck. There were words upon words in Alex’s veins, so many words with so much power behind them, deep meaning hidden in the darkest spaces between letters that made his heart ache and ache over, that made him feel lightheaded and see metaphors behind his eyes, words and thoughts and feelings all conveying- or trying to- how it hurt so sweetly to love Thomas. “I’m so sorry.” And Alex couldn’t say any of them that would mean more than sorry. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“</span>
  <span class="s2">
    <em>Alex</em>
  </span>
  <span class="s1">.” Thomas grabbed Alex’s chin and met his eyes. God and Alex looked wrecked. Thomas hated it more than anything. “Oh, my Alex.” Thomas pulled Alex infinitely closer and Alex just cried.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Holding tight as they could, each pulling the other as close to each other as they could because they loved each other. It’s just Thomas hadn’t said it back yet. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“I love you,” Alex whispered again, into Thomas’ neck. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Thomas backed up, arms still wound tight around Alex and took them both into his apartment. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“I l-love you, I-I love y-you,” Alex wept. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Oh baby, don’t cry,” Thomas kissed Alex’s shoulder as he kicked his front door closed behind him, petting Alex’s hair lovingly. “Don’t cry, darling, shh,” Thomas carried Alex along to the bedroom, kissing his head and rubbing circles on Alex’s lower back with his thumb, hoping to soothe the poor kid. And no, he wasn’t angry anymore, of fucking course he wasn’t. He just wanted Alex to be okay again. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">They reached the bed and Thomas lowered them slowly, Alex gripping hold of him all the while. Thomas wanted desperately to say something of value, something to soothe Alex. But he thought the best course of action was to let Alex cry it out, to let him calm down before Thomas could tell the stupid, adorable little idiot that he loved him right back. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“It’s okay, lovely. It’s okay, you’re okay.” Thomas murmured, voice low and soft and he blinked away the prickle in his eyes. Alex curled up against him immediately, their legs becoming a tangled mess, their hands finding the other’s, close as they could get. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Alex quietened considerably in the next 5 minutes, getting sleepier and sleepier, his breath getting shallower and his hold on Thomas getting limper.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“G’night, baby.” Thomas whispered, drawing Alex in. The crying and the stress and the way it was like half two in the morning must’ve worn him out, Thomas’ poor darling. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Alex didn’t reply and Thomas allowed himself sleep. Maybe this would all just fall into place in the morning. </span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>heyyyy!!!! so sorry that it’s been a while butttttttttt!!!!!! WE HAVE OUR FIRST “I LOVE YOU”!!!!!!!! and also, merry christmas guys!!!! and if you don’t celebrate christmas then happy cosy season!!!!! &lt;333 ahhh ily all soooooo muchhhhh and i’m oh so very eagerly awaiting your reactions in the comments aha :)))))<br/>lots of love, willow xxx</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0038"><h2>38. Miraculous</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">As per usual, Thomas was awake before Alex was. The first thing he knew with absolute certainty was that neither himself nor Alex were going to work today. They had way too much shit to figure put before either of them could return to a sense of normality. Thomas curled his legs beneath Alex and kissed his head. Alex sleepily murmured his appreciation. And for the first time in quite a bit, Thomas was perfectly happy where he was. Nothing he would change. No weight on his shoulders that Alex didn’t love him back. No worrying about the dumb kid, because he was here. Cuddled all warm and nice against Thomas’ chest. And even more miraculous than that, Thomas fell back asleep. </span>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">When Thomas woke for the second time, the first thing he noticed was the cold winter sun, higher and brighter in the sky and restricting his ability to see. The second thing he noticed was that his lover was no longer in bed with him. He sat up immediately, blood going cold. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Alex?” Thomas listened out and heard nothing. “Alexander!” He said sharply. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">No reply. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Fucks sake. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Thomas got dressed as quick as he could, pulling on a too tight guns n roses tee, grey sweats and grabbing his leather jacket last minute along with his keys as he dashed out.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">He reached his car quick enough, a little note scribbled hastily stuck under the windscreen wipers. Upon further inspection it was five words scrawled in the back of a photo of him and Alex he had no idea when was taken or by whom. The words went as follows: “I love you.” and “I’m sorry.” </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“God-“ Thomas breathed, voice cracking a little. Alex was going to be the death of him, he knew he was. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">He threw himself into his car and haphazardly manoeuvred himself over to Alex’s, way less cautiously than his past self would have ever forgiven. But none of that mattered. Alex was all that mattered. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">He got to Alex’s house in almost half time but after three minutes of pleading and banging at Alex’s door, he was made aware by Alex’s neighbour that Alex was actually at work. Fun.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Thomas sped to work. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  
</p><p>Alex shouldn’t be here, especially not with the state he was in. But fuck it, Alex<em>was</em> here and there wasn’t anything Thomas could do about it now other than try to bring him home. </p><p></p><div>
  <p>
    <br/>
  </p>
  <div>
    <p>He got to Alex’s office in record time. </p>
  </div>
  <div>
    <p>“Alex?” Thomas stumbled into Alex’s office, out of breath. Alex was in there with a girl, a pretty girl who’s shirt was just one button away from public indecency and who’s pencil skirt was riding up her stockinged thighs. She was ridiculously beautiful, every straight teen boy’s dream. The thought of her in here with Alex made Thomas feel sick. </p>
  </div>
  <div>
    <p> </p>
  </div>
  <div>
    <p>“Alex- um, Hamilton, I need to talk to you.” Thomas drew himself up, trying to appear professional until he remembered what get up he was in. </p>
  </div>
  <div>
    <p>“I’m in the middle of something at the moment Mr Jefferson,” Alex met Thomas’ eyes for the first time today. Thomas hated it. God he hated the closed off look in Alex’s eyes, he hated the business like distance, he hated the coolness. And he fucking hated being dismissed. “If you could just-“</p>
  </div>
  <div>
    <p>“Alex I’m not fucking around.” Thomas warned, pretences dropped. Alex glanced between the woman and Thomas. Thomas threw one of his “I’m serious” looks and Alex quietly showed the woman out. </p>
  </div>
  <div>
    <p> </p>
  </div>
  <div>
    <p>“See you’ve opted for a more professional outfit,” Thomas nodded at Alex’s turtle neck. </p>
  </div>
  <div>
    <p>A shame, really, Thomas liked seeing the proof that they belonged only to each other, that Alex was his, and Thomas liked other people to see it too, half to see that little blush creep up Alex’s cheekbones, half so everyone knew he was owned. </p>
  </div>
  <div>
    <p>“See you haven’t,” Alex quipped back immediately. Thomas felt a flicker of a smile in the corner of his mouth. </p>
  </div>
  <div>
    <p> </p>
  </div>
  <div>
    <p>
      <span class="s1">Alex glanced up at him and after mindlessly shuffling papers on his desk that’s when Thomas noticed the tears. </span>
      <span class="s2">More</span>
      <span class="s1"> tears. The spark of a smile died out on Thomas’ lips. </span>
    </p>
  </div>
  <div>
    <p class="p1">
      <span class="s1">“A-Alex-?” Thomas didn’t know what was happening but he didn’t like it. “Baby, c’mere, what’s wrong? Hm?” </span>
    </p>
    <p class="p1">
      <span class="s1">Alex didn’t meet his eyes. </span>
    </p>
    <p class="p1">
      <span class="s1">“I wanna go home.” Alex whispered, looking up at Thomas. </span>
    </p>
    <p class="p1">
      <span class="s1">“Alex...” </span>
    </p>
    <p class="p1">
      <span class="s1">“This isn’t fair, Thomas. I don’t wanna have to do this to myself.” Alex said all trembly and curling into himself defensively.  </span>
    </p>
    <p class="p1">
      <span class="s1">“Baby-“ </span>
    </p>
    <p class="p1">
      <span class="s1">“Stop it Thomas.” Alex stared at Thomas, begging with his eyes. Thomas say the desperation there. “Please.” </span>
    </p>
    <p class="p1">Thomas didn’t like seeing Alex like this. He never had. It was awful, the way the poor kid would wrap his frail little arms around his middle like armour, the way his lip would quiver and so he’d bite it, the way he blinked too much to stop the tears.  </p>
    <p class="p1">
      <span class="s1">“What don’t you wanna do to yourself, Alex?” Thomas asked gently, not wanting to touch his baby incase Alex didn’t want that quite yet. </span>
    </p>
    <p class="p1">
      <span class="s1">“I...” Alex glanced up at Thomas again through his lashes and tried not to get distracted. </span>
    </p>
    <p class="p1">
      <span class="s1">Thomas cautiously took a step closer. “Darling?” </span>
    </p>
    <p class="p1">
      <span class="s1">Alex didn’t say anything, just stood shakily, staring at Thomas pleadingly for something Thomas didn’t know how to give. </span>
    </p>
    <p class="p1">
      <span class="s1">“You said you wanted to go home.” Thomas said softly. “And we both know where home is. So, why don’t you come with me and I’ll bring you home. And we can stay there for as long as we need.” </span>
    </p>
    <p class="p1">
      <span class="s1">“E-even if... even if my home is with you, y-your... your...” Alex tried to stop crying. “D-Doesn’t mean yours is with me.” </span>
    </p>
    <p class="p1">
      <span class="s1">“Fuck, Alex you’re gonna kill me,”</span>
    </p>
    <p class="p1">
      <span class="s1">Thomas took a step closer. Alex looked desperate. “My home is wherever you are, darling. Surely, surely you know that much?”</span>
    </p>
    <p class="p1">
      <span class="s1">“Thomas I-I’m tired. I’m sad and I’m tired and I...I-it’s not that I expected you to say it back, obviously, but I just-“ Alex exhaled shakily, taking two steps back. “Fuck... I shouldn’t have said anything. Should I? I’m sorry, I’m s-sorry, I need to-“ </span>
    </p>
    <p class="p1">
      <span class="s1">Thomas pulled Alex into his chest. </span>
    </p>
    <p class="p1">
      <span class="s1">“Darling, what you need is to come home. With me. </span>
      <span class="s2">I</span>
      <span class="s1"> <em>need</em> you to be with me.” Tension unconsciously bled from Alex’s body. “You need someone to tell you just how fucking much they love you.” He whispered. Alex pulled back a little, Thomas’ arms still around his waist, and wiped at his eyes, blinking owlishly at Thomas. </span>
    </p>
    <p class="p1">
      <span class="s1">“Thomas...” Alex breathed, staring wide eyed right at his golden boy. </span>
    </p>
    <p class="p1">
      <span class="s1">“How much they’ve always loved you,” Thomas continued. “And always will.” </span>
    </p>
    <p class="p1">
      <span class="s1">Alex just kept looking. He didn’t know what else he could possibly do. “What are you doing?” He whispered desperately. </span>
    </p>
    <p class="p1">
      <span class="s1">“Alex, you’re my forever.” God and Alex’s heart dropped to the fucking floor. “And I promise, you’re never getting rid of me, wether you like it or not.”</span>
    </p>
    <p class="p1">
      <span class="s1">“Not.” Alex murmured, lighting up with a tiny half smile. Thomas felt real. </span>
    </p>
    <p class="p1">
      <span class="s1">“Shut up,” Thomas warned playfully, pulling Alex back into his neck. “Alex I’m telling you that it’s only ever gonna be you. Only you.” He murmured, fingers curling in Alex’s hair. “Now and then and forever. And I’m freaking myself out with all these promises and confessions and - and fuck, I’m scared as hell. But for you?” Thomas’ voice went all soft. “Oh darling for you, I’d brave anything.”</span>
    </p>
    <p class="p1">
      <span class="s1">Alex’s breath quickened, the side of his cheek pressed against Thomas’ collarbones. </span>
    </p>
    <p class="p1">
      <span class="s1">“What are you saying, Thomas?” He whispered, pulling back just enough to look at his starry eyed lover. Thomas took a shaky breath. </span>
    </p>
    <p class="p1">
      <span class="s1">“I’m saying that I love you. God, baby I love you so much. I love you for always and for every second after. I am so wholeheartedly yours, and you... well, you’re mine.” Alex’s eyes welled up with tears. Thomas hoped that maybe these were good tears. </span>
    </p>
    <p class="p1">
      <span class="s1">Wouldn’t that make a change? </span>
    </p>
    <p class="p1">
      <span class="s1">“You have no idea how long I wanted to tell you, how... fuck, you think it was a coincidence that I always have a sweater lying around for you? Or that I always magically have your favourite coffee even though I hate it? Sweetheart, you know me better than anyone. You tell me why else I’d hurt myself over and over unless I was truly, wholly, heartbreakingly in love with you.” </span>
    </p>
    <p class="p1">“Y-You... rea-really?” Alex choked. </p>
    <p class="p1">Thomas nodded, tears blurring his vision. </p>
    <p class="p1">Alex knew that in all the books and all the movies, when one character told about her that they loved them for the first time, the recipient was meant to feel fireworks, for their whole world to be flipped upside down and for everything to go crazy. </p>
    <p class="p1">Not for Alex. </p>
    <p class="p1">For Alex, his world stopped. It slowed to nothing and he felt an overwhelming peace. Like the boat had stopped rocking and he’d gotten over his sickness, like he was finally grounded and his messy emotions couldn’t drag him off of his feet anymore. And somehow, being anchored with this knowledge, with these words, made Alex feel more free than he had ever felt. </p>
    <p class="p1">“I love you,” Thomas breathed again. Alex slid his arms around Thomas’ neck and pulled his lover down to meet him for a kiss, soft and chaste and sickeningly sweet. </p>
    <p class="p1">“I love you too.” Alex whispered. “Oh <em>god</em>, how terribly I love you,” and his face broke out into a grin that felt like sunshine. </p>
    <p class="p1"> </p>
    <p> </p>
  </div>
</div>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Hello darlings!!!!! Oh my god it’s been way tooooo long, hasn’t it!!!! My life gets so tricky around the holidays and that’s why I haven’t been uploading and my country has just gone into another lockdown so I’m working from home and ahHh it’s all just a mess but goodness I’m so glad to be back and I’ve missed you all so so much, I’m sorry it’s a short chapter but I sincerely hope you enjoyed it &lt;33<br/>Always,<br/>Willow xxx</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0039"><h2>39. Stupid stupid stupid</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“When did you know?” Alex asked quietly, gripping Thomas’ hand with everything he had. They were on a very dark backstreet somewhere, laying on the roof of Thomas’ car and staring at the stars. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">And there Alex was, looking at Thomas rather than at the sky.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Thomas looked over too. He thought briefly. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“I fell in love with you around a year ago when we were arguing in a meeting and you blew a raspberry at me,” Thomas grinned. Alex looked at him with huge shining eyes, and it felt to Thomas like the whole universe was waiting just for Alex’s eyes to see it. “But uh, but I only admitted that to myself when I was telling you about my office crush in the bar before we got to Monticello.” </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Alex smiled and leant over to kiss Thomas on the corner of his lips. Alex tasted melancholy. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Why did it take us so long?” He whispered. Thomas squeezed his hand. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Alex felt as though he ought to feel sad, but he didn’t physically have the capacity for sadness right now. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“When did you know?” </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“First time you checked in on me at work, to see if I was okay before you left,” Alex said with certainty. Thomas raised an eyebrow and Alex nodded with a smile. “Yep. And the first time I </span>
  <span class="s2">realised</span>
  <span class="s1">was when you smiled at me so beautifully before you grabbed my hand and we ran down my stairs, to your car and on an adventure to Monticello.” Alex grinned, curling into Thomas further. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“You say things so elegantly. I’m absolutely in love with how you say things. The way you can bend words to mean exactly what you want them to. You’re like pure magic.” Thomas said, pulling Alex’s hand up to kiss it. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“I love you so much.” Alex whispered. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“I love you too. A terrifying amount.” Thomas pulled Alex under his chin. “Darling it’s always been you. And always will be. And I cannot be happier with that,” Thomas grinned that movie star smile that had been giving Alex heart palpitations from the very beginning. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“When did you know I was in love with you?” Alex asked, sliding his cold hands beneath Thomas’ shirt. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“I knew on our date, when you told me about your life before America.” Thomas said, putting his warm hand over Alex’s. “When did you know?” </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“I knew on our date, when I told you about my life before America.” Alex smiled. “You have this look and I’ve always adored it, it always meant something far bigger than us, until you gave me that same look after I trusted you like that and I realised that it wasn’t bigger than us at all, I realised that it </span>
  <span class="s2">was</span>
  <span class="s1">us. Our look. That only we could understand. And then it clicked and I felt so right.” Alex grinned. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Seriously?”</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Seriously.” </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“D’you have any idea how many times I’ve outright told you, in fewer words? Fucking hell,” Thomas shook his head fondly. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“I never got it. I never understood what all your beautiful, flowery shows of vulnerability were for until all of a sudden I did. You’ve always been too sophisticated for me, Thomas, with all your Prince Charming gentile and your southern manners,” Alex sighed with a smile. “Oh but you’re perfect. So perfect I can’t even process it properly.” </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Thomas grinned wide. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“I should really stop stroking your ego, huh?” Alex smiled pecking Thomas’ jaw. Thomas shrugged, drawing circles on Alex’s exposed back with his fingers. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“I don’t mind, darling,” he smiled. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“You’re golden.” Alex whispered. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“I love you.” Thomas whispered back. </span>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Alex had asked to go home. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">And so here they were, on Thomas’ couch, talking. Just talking. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“I’m curious, cause until the bar on the way to monticello, I thought you were straight,” </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Cause you’re an idiot,” Thomas muttered.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“When did you know you liked boys?” </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Youre really going for that cliche of staying up all night and learning everything about eachother, yeah?” </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Yes I am, mr defensive.” </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Alright then. Um, the first time I knew I liked boys, I woulda been, what, 15? I had this friend- I say friend, he was this kid who went to my boarding school and he kinda pissed me off but he was actually really fucking cool. We used to prank teachers and stuff and get into a load of trouble for arguing and then the next minute we’d be causing mayhem together.” Thomas smiled. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Was he cute? Or was he more of the Greek god type, like yourself?” </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Shut up Alex.” Thomas said lovingly, kissing Alex’s head. “He was real cute, kinda small but he’d fight anyone, brunette yknow with those brown eyes I seem to have a thing for,” Thomas grinned, pulling Alex’s chin up with his finger so their lips almost touched. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Seems you have a type.” </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Oh yeah,” Thomas grinned. “My type is you, just in the forms of less extraordinary people,” </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Alex smiled up at Thomas and it was the once in a lifetime sorta smile that had Thomas wanting to do all sorts of irrational things. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“I’m so glad I can tell you I love you. God, I love you,” Thomas murmured, leaning down to kiss Alex, soft and gentlemanly. “I could go on for hours and hours and hours,” he whispered, combing his fingers through Alex’s hair. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“You do that, Tommy. You do just that sweetheart.” Alex yawned, sliding down so his head was in Thomas’ lap. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“So much for staying up all night, huh?” Thomas teased. Alex swatted half heartedly at him. “You’re so beautiful, Alexander. My darling little monster,” </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Charming,” Alex mumbled, half asleep. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Y’know, you look like sunshine.” Thomas said, voice so truly warm and content. “You can pull all the angry little faces you want, but you always end up smiling one way or another and it’s like the sun breaking storm clouds,” Thomas cooed, pinching Alex’s cheek. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Oh do get off when you feel the urge,” Alex whined, but nestled into Thomas further anyway. Thomas smiled. They stayed quiet for a while, Thomas stroking Alex’s hair and humming, soft and low and soothing. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“I think you are the most... true person I’ve ever met. You’re just... you’re so wholeheartedly right, in every way.” Thomas said quietly, looking down at Alex’s sleeping little face. “You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me. And the worst. You’re all my highs and all my lows. And you make me feel more than anything ever has. You made me love you so much that every second spent away from you, in any sense of the word, hurt beyond measure and yet just the sight of you and your honey golden eyes and your always messy hair and your dumb little face,” Thomas whispered in adoration, running his thumb gently over Alex’s cheek. “Made me so unbearably happy. God, you made me so lovesick.” Thomas said. “And now look. You’re here, you’re mine all mine, and yet that sickness hasn’t gone away. I don’t think it ever will. My stomach is always gonna do that swoopy thing when I see you, my heart is always gonna melt when you smile, and when you touch me I’m always gonna get dizzy. Because you’re everything Alexander, you’re everything and everything else. And how bittersweet it is to love you. You and your pretty pretty smiles with poems hidden in your dimples and metaphors on your tongue. And your endless stream of words that never fail to put me in a trance.” Thomas curled Alex’s hair around his fingers gently, careful not to wake his sleepy lover. “You look so pure when you forget yourself sometimes, and you smile up at me all excitable and real and all pretences dropped, just outright joy. God, you are so fucking sweet. And I think it describes you perfectly. The way you look like that sometimes. Fuck I’m in love with you. I love you so much. Don’t you fucking dare ever even think of leaving me Hamilton, you fucked me up way too bad,” Thomas warned quietly. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Right back atcha, Jefferson,” Alex grinned, eyes still closed. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Thomas blinked. Alexander peeked at him, opening one eye and smiling a mile wide. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Yes I was awake, dumbass,” Alex couldnt smile enough. “You big adorable sap,” Alex shuffled up and took Thomas’ face in his eyes, pressing their foreheads together and kissing Thomas’ nose. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Oh I hate you.” Thomas groaned. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“I love you too baby,” Alex beamed. Thomas was physically incapable of preventing the big smile back. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“C’mon idiot, let’s go to bed,” Thomas said, grabbing Alex’s hand as he stood up. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Alex didn’t move. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“No.” </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Please?” Alex gave his best puppy eyes and extended his arms, doing the grabby hands thing babies do. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Fucking fuck-“ Thomas grumbled, but bent down to haul Alex up nonetheless. Alex squealed in delight, grinning gleefully and gripping onto Thomas like a little monkey, like he was terrified of falling. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“You can ease up a little darling, I’m not gonna drop you,” Thomas laughed. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Woah, I’m spooked,” Alex giggled. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Stupid,” Thomas mumbled affectionately, throwing Alex down on the bed. “My stupid stupid stupid,” He grinned. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Well fuck you!” Alex protested. Thomas just kept smiling and smiling as he took ahold of Alex’s hands, pushing them above his head and linking their fingers. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“My little dummy,” Thomas cooed. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Yeah yeah, your little dummy,” Alex rolled his eyes. Thomas smiled wider. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“I do love you, Alex. You’re my stupid but you’re also my best friend. My very best friend.” Thomas buried his head in the crook of Alex’s neck and hugged him tight. “Fuck, it feels as though i’m about 4 tons lighter,” Thomas laughed and Alex sat them both upright, facing each other, legs crossed. He could only manage a half smile. But he wasn’t sad. No, no he couldn’t be sad. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Alexander was a just a boy, after all,who’s lover loved him back. And that was something that Alex daren’t feel melancholy over. He daren’t dwell over lost time, over hurt and longing, over growled words from the darkest parts of his sunshine heart. He simply daren’t ruin his own happiness, or that of his lover, for fear of losing himself forever to the torment of losing his love, or ridding his lover of his. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“How long are you going to be able to put up with me?” Alex asked quietly. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Always.” Thomas answered quickly and with certainty. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Always is an awfully long time.” Alex whispered. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Not with you.” Thomas replied. “Besides. You’re an awfully captivating boy.” Alex cocked his head. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Thomas gave a muted smile. “Are you okay?” He asked. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“I don’t think so.” Alex shook his head. “I’m telling myself I should be because it’s compulsory, I’m smiling because it’s you and it’s me and it’s us, but really I think I’m quite sad.” Thomas blinked, the easy smile bleeding away. “Not sad, not really,” Alex corrected quickly. “Just... very bittersweet. You love me and that’s... so heartbreakingly perfect.” Alexander smiled so sweet at Thomas. “And I love you. By god I love you. And that’s... it’s not completely happy? Of course you make me the happiest I’ve ever been, you make me love everything just a little harder, you make me feel everything just that bit more, you make me okay. But all of that time we wasted hurting each other... it’s nagging at me, I... I don’t know.” Alex smiled, reaching up to hold Thomas’ face, pulling him into a hug. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“I’m sorry, Alex.” Thomas mumbled sincerely. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Oh no! No, don’t you say sorry,” Alex explored emphatically. “No no no, it’s the best feeling in the whole wide world, even if it isn’t completely a good one.” Alex grinned. “I’m glad I told you. I don’t feel guilty about it now.”</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“I’m glad you told me too. And... Alex, you know you can tell me anything? Ever? Don’t you? I’m never going anywhere, we aren’t going anywhere so you can say what you like, yeah?”</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Alright Tommy, but only if you agree to do the same. To tell me things too.” </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Thomas nodded slowly. “You have yourself a deal, darling,” he smiled. Alex smiled too. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“C’mon, it’s getting late,” Thomas said gently, pulling Alex down to lay with him, arm around his waist. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Alex curled into Thomas, an action familiar to him, legs all tangled, arms tucked between his and Thomas’ chests and head under Thomas’ chin. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">And it was here he felt right. </span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Hiiiiiiiiiiiiiii I’m back!! <br/>Hope you all enjoyed the sweetness for once haha <br/>Your willow xxx</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
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